The Capricious Man

Welcome to my blog. I hope you can discern that figure approaching through the fog...I once tried to describe my feelings to the world and ended up with a poem. Life has never been the same since.

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An empty bottle reminisces the day it was no longer full, only until it is further broken into pieces. It's funny how even the feeling of being incomplete is rather relative. But the idea of being complete isn't absolute either. How can sorrow be empirical, when sadness emanates from an interpretation of the level of one's incompleteness. And interpretation, by virtue, is subjective.

The last memory of being complete, and what it felt like, seems like a dream to most and a myth to some. I am more drawn towards the latter. They seem to know more about faith than the teachings of all religions combined. To wake up every morning, just to scatter again at Sundown, requires perseverance. And a hope, that maybe, just this one time, the night would resonate with the darkness within us and accept us in our natural form- broken and incomplete. And just like that, we go back to square one - hoping for acceptance.

~ AK

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A fire was started. Everyone became a part of the mob. Those who stayed away, became history. I was asleep, busy falling in love in each dream. Smoke was rising around me, and I became a garden of roses.

~Abhishek K.

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Aakhir tak tum yahi poochte reh gaye, kis baat pe naraaz ho.

Kaash kabhi ye hi pooch liya hota, Kis baat pe muskuraye jaana…

- Abhishek K

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Mujhe waqt se darr lagta hai insaano se nahi. Jo dikhte mujh jaise hai wo kitna alag soch sakte honge bhala.

- Abhishek K

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Mujhe hosh me aane ka shouk bhi nahi tha, haqeekat se waakif tha tabhi khwaab dekhe the maine.

- Abhishek K

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Bade dino k baad tere shehar se guzarna hua.

Kuch bikhre sapne bade armaan se dekh rahe the meri or…

- Abhishek K 

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A fire was started. Everyone became a part of the mob. Those who stayed away, became history. I was asleep, busy falling in love in each dream. Smoke was rising around me, and I became a garden of roses.

~Abhishek K.

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Let me fuck something up. Fucked up scenarios motivate me. Sometimes I think, would it have been any different if I were there? I see people around me, probably more fucked up than me - fighting tooth and nail for one more shot at life. But somehow, I can relate to them. Somehow, I feel their pain. And by the virtue of that, I feel I can save them. However, deep inside I know I can't.

If my past has served any purpose, it would be to reaffirm my thoughts during ambiguous times. I have tried to "save" those who I thought were my own in that moment and failed at it miserably. Probably because I could not figure out in due time, who was I saving them from. I constantly tell myself, "look into their eyes, it will lead yau to their soul". And the moment I look into their eyes, I get lost.

A dying star cannot save another dying star. And there is nothing romantic about dying together. Darkness cannot illuminate - even though it is aware of light. But its absence somehow does the trick. Probably that's why I had to walk away. Walk away from things I thought could be fixed, if I am not around. So, to come back to the original question - Would it have been any different if I were there? ....I guess not.

~ Abhishek K.

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How drastically has distance changed the meaning of words. You just believe whatever I say. Where have the altercations and contentions gone? And the quest to know the truth? These days I find myself thinking - Do you even recognize yourself in a mirror?

~ Abhishek K.

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The lines around me were drawn with the intent that they should never be crossed. Now that I am on the other side, everyone around me is a stranger. They too have lines drawn around them - their own boundaries. In which direction should I go now? ~ Abhishek K.

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Kya kabhi yun hua hai tumhare saath k tum aadhi raat me neend se uth baithe ho? Tumhari saans fool rahi ho, dil ki dhadkanein tej, aur tej hoti ja rahi ho, maathe pe pasina aa raha ho par gala jaise bandh sa gaya ho. Chah kar bhi saans nahi le pa rahe ho tum. Bahar ka manjar sab waisa ka waisa ho par andar jaise bhukamp aa rakha ho. Hajaro khayal dimaag k andar hi ek dusre se takra kar jaise dum tod rahe ho. Bahar pedo se patte jhad rahe ho par toofan khud k andar aa raha ho. Jab aankhon k saamne andhera chha raha ho, aur ek haath se apne gale ko pakde, tum dusre haath se duniya se madad ki bheekh maang rahe ho. Us pal me kabhi ye ehsaas hua hai, k tum to wo ho hi nahi, jiski saans fool rahi hai. Tum to chup chap khade saamne se ek tak us shaksh ko dekh rahe ho. Theek us tarah, jaise roz subah khud to aaine me dekhte ho. Til til kar marte huye - bebas, lachaar. Tum sochte ho k aage badhkar khud ko gale laga lu, par haath nahi uthte. Tumhare aankon se aansu ki ek kataar gaalon se hote huye seene pe ja girti hai, aur badan ki saari garmi sokh kar wahin jam jaati hai. Tum sochte ho k kahan galati hui tumse. Bachpan me kabhi khansi bhi hoti thi to maa peeth par dheere se haath sehla deti thi aur sab theek ho jata tha. Par jab se ghar chhoda hai, zindagi me sirf thapede hi mile hai. Thapthapi to bachpan me hi mili thi aakhiri baar. Aur sukoon ki neend bhi to tab hi soye the shayad. Khair...

Kabhi yun hua hai, k bahar din dhal raha ho, aur shaam khud k bheetar ho chali ho? Khud hi khud se itne bezaar ho chale ho k khud hi se baat karne ki fursat nahi rahi. Jaise kisi sunsaan kabristaan me khud ki kabr me let kar asmaan ki or dekh rahe ho. Aur ye bhi nahi pata k hum, jo ye sab dekh rahe hain, ye hi hum hain; ya hum wo hain jise hum dekh hi nahi pa rahe - wo jisne ye kabr khoda hai. Khud se khud ko itna majboor dekha nahi jata. Par in aandhion k daur me aawaz lagayein bhi to kahan sun sakenge hum.

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“Which interpretation of my dream should i tell you, its a bunch of unfulfilled desires hoping an invocation.”

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Waqt aur Taqdeer

Ye dil hua kathor hai, Mai teri chah me barbaad hu. Ye moh tera hai ada, Mai koi padh raha kitaab hu. Ye maun mera ugr hai, Mai is tarah vishaal hu. Tu chal kisi bhi raah par, Mai jal raha mashaal hu. Ye deh ek vriksh hai, Mai tatolta paatal hu. Hai bhaye kahan ab zindagi, Mai khud shashakt kaal hu.

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A galaxy filled with dying stars

When I am awake, I dream of a peaceful sleep.

Of a place where I can sit in silence for hours

and no one would question my intentions.

Of a road where I can walk alone without feeling lonely.

And a world where I can go to bed empty handed

and still feel content with the life I lived.

But when I sleep, there is nothing but chaos.

There are jumbled thoughts arguing with twisted facts.

There is darkness spaced with intermittent flashes

of light so bright, it feels like I am a galaxy

made up of dying stars...

- Abhishek K

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The chaos within...

There is noise and people are screaming, All this unrest is within me, I wish I were dreaming. I close my eyes to calm my mind, Ignore my instincts in a hope to unwind. I know it’s insanity, the result I desire; How can it ever nurse, whats born of fire. The means I chose, to reach the ends I crave; Can either be termed cowardice, or boasted as rave. “How can I find peace?”; I ask my reflection, “When the chaos is within me and my brain is a contraption.”

- Abhishek K