summary: as the “weird morgue girl”, you weren’t the most popular in the hospital. when you made a misunderstood joke, jack finally had enough. when he tried to know you, you only thought he wanted to make up for what happened but that was far from his true feelings.
content: hurt/comfort, age gap, she falls first but he falls harder, age gap, slow burn, praise, no use of y/n, miscommunication, angst, work romance, workplace betting, probably medical inaccuracies, night shift crew and a little of day shift crew
word count: 7.5k
playlist (spotify): Speaking to The Dead
author’s note: from this request. hope i did it well and thank you for your patience! i didn’t have time to finish it on time and i went on horrible vacations after that.
look at my masterlist and join my taglist. here!
Working night shifts in a morgue was a pretty strange job, but you loved it. You never thought it was weird to give dead people a nice goodbye. In fact, you thought it was the respectful thing to do. Being gentle with them when the illness was rough seemed like the greatest way to prepare them for the afterlife.
As you stored Mr Hutson’s body, you made conversation with the pretty quiet guy.
“Not a big talker, huh?”
You took a deeper voice as you answered for him.
“Yeah, got pretty silent after my heart stopped beating.”
“I get it. Sorry, it’s a little cold down there.”
“Oh, don’t worry about it, sweetheart,” you replied to yourself.
“You’re welcome, Mr Hutson! Let me just place this name tag-“
“Sorry to interrupt,” Lena apologized as she entered the morgue.
“You’re not! Or are you?” You joked, making her form a small smile before she rolled a body in the room.
“I got another body. The heatwaves are the worst killers right now.”
“Then arrest them!” You laughed. Alone.
“…Okay.”
“Not a good joke, I presume.”
“Not your best, honey,” she reacted.
You nodded and stayed silent. She was probably waiting for you to continue talking because she didn’t utter a word. An uncomfortable silence filled the room as you ran your fingers through the deceased person’s hair.
“Female, sixty-two. Pronounced dead at 3:41.”
“What’s her name?” You asked as you placed her hair to look a little more kept.
“Caroline Hughes. Hard death…”
“Well… At least she’s not paying taxes anymore!”
The ER nurse looked at you without adding anything else. This stare was enough to make you realize that it wasn’t the right time to say that, apparently.
“It sounded funnier in my head… Sorry…”
“I’ll go back.”
“Okay, see you!”
As the door closed and you were the only living person in the room, you turned to Mrs Hughes.
“Was that this terrible of a joke?”
This time, you used a higher pitch to mimic her voice.
“Yes.”
“I’m just trying to make her like me a little,” you explained as you started the usual routine you had with the bodies.
“She will!”
“I hope so…“
You eventually gathered a pile of documents that needed to be signed by an ER attending physician after receiving a death in the morgue. It made you smile to think about seeing him. Jack Abbot has been your work crush since forever. That pile of work meant having an interaction with him. It was something you never missed. He was kind and gentle with patients. Plus, he wasn’t awkward, which is pretty good when you’re dealing with alive ones.
You walked to his department while humming a song. You smiled at your coworkers without much success and spotted him in trauma 1.
You knew that it was way more important than your boring papers, so you waited while looking at him. He was able to control the room like a professional.
You waited for a moment. The case was long and complicated, so you just stared at him.
“What are you doing here?” Mateo asked as he went from one room to the other.
“I need Dr Abbot’s signature.”
“He’ll get to you,” he simply answered as he left.
“No rush, my patients aren’t the impatient kinds!”
He faked a polite laugh and left.
You waited for a long time without a complaint. Suddenly, he left the room with a sigh. It was a long one, but the patient was alive.
“Hey, Dr Abbot, just needed you to sign this!” You started, with a little too much energy to your tone.
He nodded and signed it without much thought.
As you held the clipboard with the documents, you couldn’t help but make conversation. It’s been a while since you talked to him.
“So… Busy?”
He silently looked at you. He’d normally have a cocky answer to stuff like that, but his mind wasn’t really present after the trauma bay.
“Actually, don’t answer that! It was the dumbest question I could’ve asked.”
“Yeah, well, it’s been a night. And it’s not ended yet.”
“I’ve gathered… Because you know… The people here.”
He nodded and looked at the TV. It should’ve been your cue to leave, but you had some sort of invisible force that kept you there.
“I didn’t mean to be sarcastic. It sounded a little sarcastic.”
“I didn’t think you were.”
“Oh?”
What did it mean? Did he lie to make you feel better? Maybe that you truly didn’t sound sarcastic.
The silence made you go crazy, so you continued.
“Thanks for the signature.”
“Don’t sweat it,” he awkwardly smiled as you left.
Once you were out of sight, Henderson came with a tablet to present a case.
“What do you got?”
“17-year-old male, found unresponsive in a closed bedroom, no ventilation or AC. Prolonged heat exposure suspected.”
“Where is he?”
“South 2, resus bay.”
They quickly walked toward the room and began the process of resuscitation for forty five minutes. Jack hated to see young patients go. It was unfair that they had to die at such a young age.
He had his whole life ahead of him…
As he left the room with sweat covering all of his body, he took the red phone to call the family. It was important to do it himself. He owed them that.
“I know this is really hard… We’ll take care of everything on our end,” he reassured in a gentle tone.
After the call, he just needed to take a break. One little break to ground himself.
He was safe, he was competent, and he did everything he could.
He was safe, he was competent, and he did everything he could.
He was safe, he was competent, and he did everything he could.
As he sat down with this mantra in his head, you came back. This time, however, it wasn’t to talk to him but to the charge nurse.
“Hi, it’s me again! I was just wondering if we kept Mrs Hughes’s wedding ring on. You forgot to mention it, and I forgot to ask.”
“Oh, right. You keep it on.”
“Are you okay? You look exhausted!”
“Tonight was rough.”
“Oh… At least I know I have job security,” you kidded to relieve some tension from her shoulders.
Lena let out a small chuckle that made you feel proud.
Jack heard you say that. Job security? People were dying, and you joked about it?
He approached you, and Lena wasted no time going back to charting as he started talking.
“You think that’s funny?” He inquired with his arms behind his back in fake confidence.
“What?” You asked, not understanding that he referenced your encounter with the nurse. “Oh, with Lena?”
“Do you ever stop the jokes?”
“It wasn’t-“
“I lost a kid tonight. Stop with your fucking jokes every time someone dies.” He dryly ordered.
“I wasn’t making fun of-” you tried to defend, but he didn’t care and cut you off.
“Then act like it.”
“…Okay.”
It’s not like he was the first one to say things like that. You knew you were a little weird and that your jokes didn’t always land. You weren’t oblivious at that point. However, having Jack say it was hurtful. Very hurtful.
Surely he wasn’t the person you had the strongest connection to, but you didn’t expect him to say it like that.
Lena stood nearby. She didn’t say a word. Perhaps she secretly agreed with him. He said what everyone wanted to say. You would have friends if people didn’t think of you like that.
You left to go back to the morgue. The only people who spent time with you didn’t even have the choice to be there. How much of a loser could you be?
Jack sat on a desk chair to begin his endless charting. Lena quietly sat down next to him.
“That was harsh.”
“She crossed a line,” he argued.
“Did she?”
“People are grieving, and she’s acting like it’s a comedy show,” he defended.
“She just tries to cheer up the mood of everyone. You should see her with patients. She's caring, empathetic… And sometimes she can make a joke land.”
Jack stayed silent, just like the morgue was when you first started working here. You didn’t say anything to Mrs Hughes as you carefully placed the diamond of her ring on the top of her finger.
──୨୧──
“Pretty silent in here,” Lena said as she rolled in a new body some days later.
“Yeah,” you responded with a small smile.
“Ran out of jokes?”
You didn’t answer. Not knowing how to.
“Because of Jack?”
“Maybe.”
“You know he was out of line.”
“Was he?” You asked, making her frown.
“He was.”
“He wasn’t the first one to tell me I’m weird.”
“Then why does it bother you so much?”
“I don’t know… I… I guess I’d like for people to try to understand who I am before jumping to the conclusion that I’m weird and that’s it.”
“Well, I’m no Jack Abbot, but I don’t think you’re only weird if that can help.”
“Thanks… It means a lot, Lena.”
You continued to work until the end of your shift. You had to stay overtime because of a car crash that only caused fatalities.
Jack had to bring the paperwork he’d normally have a med student bring at the end of their shift. With the recent events, you doubted he would bring them himself anyway.
That’s why you were taken by surprise when he actually showed up. He looked exhausted and a little less confident than usual.
“Hey, kid,” he started as he placed the pile of paper on your desk while you were arranging a body.
“Hi.”
“Can we talk for a second?”
“Huh, yeah,“ you nervously replied, biting your bottom lip.
“I was wrong for speaking to you like that. I thought I understood what I was seeing,” he explained before taking accountability for his actions. “I’m sorry for embarrassing you.”
“Okay,” you added as you fidgeted with the blanket of the body.
“Okay?”
“I forgive you… It just stung a bit…”
“I know, I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine… Time heals, right?”
“Right,” he answered as he turned his wedding ring on his finger, making you realize the mess you made.
“Oh, sorry. Didn’t mean to bring back old memories.”
“Don’t worry about it; I like having them back.”
You smiled as you stored the body of the woman you were taking care of.
“I get what you mean,” you mentioned, having dealt with a lot of grieving families.
“Guess we’re both carrying more than we let on,” he added with a lighter tone.
“Yeah… Shoulders getting heavy,” you joked as you took off your gloves.
He giggled at your dumb joke and went to the door with you.
“Mind if we walk to your car?”
“I don’t.“
As you walked through the hospital, you noticed how friendly everyone was with him. People never acted like that with you. Not that you were bullied, but you barely got any smiles, even fewer greetings.
Your gaze turned to the man beside you. He had a good reputation. Why would he ruin it by hanging out with someone like you? He must feel very bad to do that to himself.
“So… What happens after I sign?” He asked to make conversation and learn more about what you do.
“We put it in the archives of the hospital.”
“I know that part,” he laughed, making you feel dumb. “I wasn’t clear. I meant: what happens to the body after I sign.”
“Oh, sorry. Well, we identify the body really well. Identification mistakes are absolutely terrible!”
“Must be,” he acknowledged as he continued to walk while looking at you.
“Unless the coroner needs to do an exam, we clean the body really well. That’s my favourite part. We make them look presentable for the loved ones.”
“You like that?”
“Yeah, the whole ‘caring of the body’ aspect is really important. It honors the life of the deceased.”
“And you do it well.”
You turned your head toward him with furrowed brows. He was never there during this step, so how could he know?
As if reading your mind, he explained himself.
“Someone told me.”
“Oh, Lena… She also told you to apologize, I presume.”
“She helped me see what I missed. Your jokes looked disrespectful to me. I understood it’s not.”
“Good. It’s not.”
You arrived at your car and waved him goodbye.
“Seeing you tomorrow?” You asked because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut to save your life.
“Yes, sleep well.”
On the road to your home, you thought about everything he said. It was sweet to see how bad he felt. You’ve been treated worse with little to no remorse.
During your next few shifts at the morgue, you noticed that Jack was coming to your department a little more.
“I brought his belongings,” Jack said as he showed a plastic bag filled with bloody objects.
“Oh, thanks.”
“Where do I put it?”
“Huh… On my desk?” You started before thinking of something funny. “It's not like it has legs to run away from there!”
Jack chuckled and gently placed the bag in an empty spot on your desk.
“So, how’s tonight treating you?”
“It’s fine… Got a kid from peds though… It stung…”
“Yeah, I can imagine. Don’t let it pull you down. They’re all in a better place.”
“Yeah, that’s what I keep telling myself.”
“Good, keep doing that. Do you need a break from work?”
“No, no, I should be done at 7 am. I’ll be fine; it’s pretty soon.”
“Cool, we finish at the same time if you want me to walk you to your car again…?”
“Oh, yeah… Ummm, I mean you already apologized for the whole ‘disrespectful jokes’ thing so you really don’t need to continue feeling bad.”
“I want to walk you to your car. There’s no ‘feeling bad’ there.”
Even if he said that, you had difficulty believing him. It broke too much of his calm and controlled persona for him to be done after a simple apology.
“Are you completely sure?”
“Certain.”
“Okay, fine. Then yes, I’m down.”
When your shift ended, you went to the ER with your bag. Dana was already here.
“Hi sweetie! Long time no see, how’ve you been?”
“Good, still a very… Interactive job,” you joked, even if you searched the attending with your eyes. “Abbot wanted to walk me to my car. Do you know where he is?”
“He’s changing in the bathroom.“
“Oh… Okay. I’ll wait for him.”
She went right back to work, and you sat down while waiting for him. You tried to ignore the strange looks the staff gave you.
“What is the weird morgue girl doing here?” A nurse asked her friend.
They probably thought you couldn’t hear them, so you pretended like it was the case for their sake. It would put them in too much embarrassment if they realized otherwise.
You looked at the weather on your phone to appear as if you had a big social life. You needed to focus on something other than their gossip.
Your intense examination of the weather got cut off by the familiar voice of the attending.
“Hey, are you coming?”
“Yeah, I was busy, sorry,” you lied as you shut your phone.
Why did you say that? Luckily, he didn’t push it and continued the conversation.
“Don’t sweat it. The emergencies weren’t too busy tonight. Finished my charting on time.”
“That’s good.”
“Yeah, it’s a rare sight in here.”
You walked with a little worry in your head. This evening, when you parked here, your car was acting weird. You’ve already humiliated yourself enough to have issues with it on top of everything.
“Thanks for making me harder to kidnap,” you said before noticing the small chuckle he gave you.
“Happy to help, kid. Get home safe… Without getting kidnapped,” he added as he started to walk away.
You crossed your fingers and repeated a whispered “please” before starting the car.
Just when you wanted it the least, the headlights flickered before eventually dying.
“Fuck!” You complained while hitting the steering wheel.
You always had to fucking embarrass yourself. For what? Could it be at a worse time than this one?
You got out of the vehicle and called out Abbot’s name.
He turned around with furrowed brows. He clearly wanted nothing more to do with you.
You awkwardly walked to him with your backpack on one shoulder.
“I can’t start my car. I don’t know what’s wrong. I’ll try to make it work tomorrow. I can call a garage-“
“Slow down. Do you need a ride home?”
“I do. Sorry to ask.”
“I wouldn’t have proposed if I didn’t want to.”
On the drive to your apartment, he asked questions about your issue.
“Did the engine crank?”
“Maybe? I don’t really focus on it that much.”
“Did you see warning lights on the dashboard then?”
“Yeah, but there’s always a new light, so I just ignore them now. I shouldn’t have…”
“Your car’s battery’s probably dead. I’ll check on it later today.”
“What?” You asked, surprised by the kind initiative but also confused.
“Could check what it is and call a mechanic to get it fixed. If you want the help, of course.”
“Yes, I want it,” you answered, a little too quickly, perhaps because he beamed at your enthusiastic response.
“Let’s say 5 pm? I’ll come pick you up, and we’ll get it fixed.”
“Okay!”
You were pleased about the help he was giving you, but it faded when you thought about the fact that he did it to make it up for the incident or whatever you should call it. He didn’t actually want to help you. He just wanted to restore your opinion about him. It was the end of it.
You thanked him for the ride and left for your place.
──୨୧──
Jack knocked at your door at exactly 5 pm. The military punctuality didn’t escape him after all those years. He had two Dunkin’ coffees in his hands and gave you one.
“Shen gave me a Dunkin’ gift card,” he explained before he began to head toward his car as you followed.
“Oh, that’s nice of him,” you awkwardly retorted as you took a sip.
In the car park, he tried to get your auto going without much success.
“Yeah, that’s definitely a dead battery.”
“Okay, well, I can call a guy and get it fixed. I should be fine with the rest then.”
“You know, I got nothing else to do with my day,” he initiated. “And the daughter of a friend got charged extra because they noticed she didn’t know much about cars. Wouldn’t want that to happen to you. They can make you pay for whatever, even if you don’t need it.”
“I bothered you enough. I don’t want to waste your time.”
“I told you I had nothing better to do. It’s your decision, but don’t think about my needs. Think about yours.”
“I want you to stay then… If you don’t mind-”
“I don’t.”
“Good.”
“Good,” he repeated as he typed the number of a repair shop in his phone and called them while you waited.
As he hung up, you realized that a tow truck would need to move your car to its destination and that it would ruin all of the savings you had previously made over the years.
“You okay?” Jack asked as a hand wandered on your back without touching it.
“Mhm,” you lied.
──୨୧──
The battery only needed an hour to fix. Maybe you were a pessimist, but you thought it would be longer. You waited on some chairs in the entry while Jack tried to make conversation.
“How did you end up in the morgue?” He asked as his eyes stared into yours.
“Living patients scare me. I’m a little socially awkward; I don’t know if you noticed. I just preferred dealing with the dead ones. You know, giving them a loving goodbye.”
“That’s really cute of you.”
You couldn’t help but blush at the comment. He was really trying to be kind, and it made you doubt that maybe there was a chance that he liked hanging out with you, but you quickly brushed that thought out of your head and focused on the topic of conversation.
“You? Why are you in the ER?”
He took a deep breath before answering.
“I had to choose a specialty after the military. I needed something that moved like I used to. The emergency is always busy with something to do. You can’t think about much, and you have to focus on the patients, not you.”
“Damn… That was…”
“Sad?” He finished with a small chuckle forming.
“Didn’t come from me,” you replied with your hands up in surrender.
“My therapist said I needed to open up more. I’m trying.”
“That’s good. My therapist and I are working on oversharing. People know too much about my life when I get nervous.”
He sneered as he remembered the moments in which you said a little too much when the conversation could’ve ended there. It was also nice to get to know someone who goes to therapy as he does. With all of his effort, he never convinced Robby to go.
“Do you know why you get nervous? Knowing the cause could diminish the effects.”
“You talk like such a doctor.”
“Sorry,” he said with a laugh.
“I don’t know… I just always felt like everybody had a guide on how to behave in society and I’m the only one who missed it.”
“Do you like to be with people though?”
“I’m not sure. I’m really used to being alone, you know?”
“You should try it out. I’ll bring you to karaoke nights.”
You giggled as he mentioned karaoke so casually.
“Karaoke nights?” You repeated, picturing him singing.
“Yeah, Santos started it. After a terrible shift, the ones who can go to a karaoke bar to relieve some tension. Helps keep the morale up.”
“And do you sing?”
“Tried once with Robby, but Javadi and Joy laughed at us so hard that we drank a beer and called it a night, now.”
“Okay, I’m down,” you agreed, slowly nodding. “As long as the team is okay with it too.”
“Of course they will. They just don’t know you, but you’re sweet.”
“They think I’m weird.”
“So what? Everybody’s weird.”
You smiled at his comment. He was so reassuring that it actually gave you confidence to go in a group full of people you barely knew to get them to know you. It was crazy, but what was the worst that could happen? They already thought you were weird, so it wouldn’t change much if you totally embarrassed yourself.
A mechanic came to announce that they replaced the car’s battery and the price it would be. It was really expensive. Nothing you actually couldn’t pay, but still not in your financial planning. It was so much to cover all at once.
As you took your card to insert into the little machine, you felt a hand on you, slowly pushing your arm down.
“It’s fine, I’ll get it.”
“It’s okay.”
“You’ll pay me back later then,” he brushed off, hoping you’d forget and never actually do it.
He maybe talked like a doctor, but he also had the paycheck to go with it.
“Thank you,” you whispered as he typed his credit card’s code with a smile.
You could go back to your place with your own car as he left for the hospital. He was working, and he still took time to help you out with your stupid issue.
──୨୧──
Your next shift after your short vacation was running smoothly. Unfortunately, there were still dead people in your morgue, but it kept you busy.
As you brushed Mrs Rodriguez’s hair, Jack came in with empty hands, no paperwork, no coffees, nothing.
“Hi… Not that you’re high, but hi as in the greeting. Hello.”
He laughed at your failed attempt at a normal greeting and crossed his arms before placing his hands in his pockets. It was the first time you saw him being nervous.
“Are you okay?” You asked as you sat on your desk chair.
“Yeah, I just came in to grab the paperwork.”
“Jack, you already signed everything you had to sign,” you reminded him before realizing what it was. “Wait, are you trying to find excuses to come to the morgue?”
“No, I just forgot…”
“Dementia getting to you? You and Mrs Rodriguez have more in common than I thought.”
“Were you thinking about the similarities between a dead woman and me?”
“Don’t switch the subject, Dr Abbot,” you playfully demanded.
“I wanted to talk about your car. Do you want to do that after your shift?”
“Oh, okay… Well, yeah.”
Did he want to get reimbursed? Did he discover a huge issue that would make your car implode but didn’t tell you? Did he…
“There’s a good place downtown with a discount for healthcare workers,” he added, cutting off your train of thought.
Somewhere along the way, you missed the part of med school that talked about the importance of paperwork. Sometimes, you felt like a writer with all of the stuff you needed to document for work.
In situations like this one today, you forgot to document a body release exception form for a patient who came in earlier. It was important to note if a body was released under unusual circumstances.
The day shift morgue attendant, James, came in and was eating a snack while you rushed your notes. Contrary to you, he wasn’t doing much and stared at you working.
“So… Excited to leave work?” He teased, wanting to know what got you rushed when you normally didn’t care about spending the day here.
You didn’t have time to answer because the reason showed up at your department.
“Hi, you’re still working?” Jack asked as he came in.
James almost choked on his own saliva when he saw him. He knew more than anyone else the crush you had on him for years.
“Yeah, I forgot to fill in a form. It won’t take long, sorry about it…”
“It’s all good, kid.”
You finished it and signed your name as quickly as you could before giving it to your coworker, who hasn't worked since he came down here.
“Got something to keep you busy,” you said as you happily got rid of the job to clock out.
“Get your man, girl,” he muttered before taking the paper.
You left, and Jack followed you to the elevator in the direction of the parking lot.
“So? Busy?” He asked, assuming a positive answer but trying to make conversation nonetheless.
“Yeah, my to-do list and I are in a toxic relationship. You?”
“Yeah, busy.”
You fell into a comfortable silence as you went in his car to go to the restaurant. He put some music on, and you focused on it in order not to fall asleep.
“If you’re too tired, I can drive to your place too. Doesn’t bother me.”
“No, no, it’s fine,” you assured as you struggled to keep your eyes open.
“Listen to your body.”
“I’m fine… Gravity just feels stronger today. Especially on my eyelids, actually.”
Contrary to usual, he didn’t laugh and drove to your address.
“I wanted to spend more time with you,” you confessed as you closed your eyes for the rest of the drive.
“It’s okay, we can go to karaoke night tomorrow.”
“Yeah, that would be nice…”
He woke you up when he was parked in front of your place. You thanked him for the ride, and he smiled at you like he always does.
──୨୧──
“Going to the morgue again?” Lena pondered with a sly expression.
“Yeah, do you need me on something?”
“No, go see your girl.”
“It’s not like that. I wouldn’t betray my wife.”
“Baby, your wife would’ve wanted you to move on. I know it’s difficult, but think about your own happiness. She really looks like she makes you happy. I never got her jokes, but it looks like you do more than me.”
He looked down at the floor when she mentioned his wife.
“How would I know if that’s what she wanted?”
“That’s what we wish on people we love,” she concluded as she went back to charting.
He swallowed with more difficulty than before and headed to the morgue.
He was torn between his loyalty to his wife, whom he could never replace, and his need to busy himself with anything that could occupy his mind. He already tried to jump on more SWAT cases, took overtime at the hospital, practiced yoga, and helped anyone he could, but it didn’t cut it. His therapist recommended finding a hobby, and that’s what he did, so why wouldn’t it work? He did everything to get better, and it was never enough.
Maybe a girlfriend could make his life worth living, but why would he make someone else see what he was really like behind the falsely confident facade he put on?
Jack took a deep breath to compose himself in front of you and entered the morgue. You were talking with a body you treated.
“I’m pretty sure he’s rolling his eyes,” he joked as he heard you talk about how disappointed you were about a couple in a reality show you were watching.
“Stop, we were bonding,” you said between laughs.
“Bonding or complaining? What’s that TV show about?”
“Don’t even talk to me about it. It gets me mad.”
“Wow, didn’t want to infuriate you.”
You actually looked at him and saw how down he looked today.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah… Just thinking about some stuff,” he brushed off as you decided not to push deeper.
“Oh… Okay…”
“Do you think I should date again?” He blurted out.
This time, you were the one who was surprised by the question. You were known to be out of the blue from time to time, but seeing how random that was made you feel less alone.
“W- What?”
“Sorry, I just talked to Lena, and I don’t know if I should date again. Am I too old for that?”
“No, you’re not too old. It’s more of a ready or not thing, I guess.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready,” he confessed.
“It probably means that you’re not.”
“Good to know, thank you. I should go back up, but are you still down for the karaoke session today?”
“Always,” you confirmed with two thumbs up.
It was a little painful to advise someone you had a crush on for so long that it was better not to date anyone, but it wasn’t like he liked you romantically in the first place, so it helped you tame your feelings. Repeating again and again that it was useless to want a relationship because it was one of those things that wouldn’t happen to you was weirdly a very soothing message. It kept you true to yourself. You weren’t trying to change to impress anyone. You just lived.
Your shift ended, and you went to see Abbot. He was still working on something, so you sat on an empty chair. Mateo came to see you with curiosity plastered on his face.
“Waiting for Jack?” He asked as he sat on the edge of the desk in front of you.
“Did the ghost tell you?” You bantered as he forced a smile to act polite.
“He’s always going to the morgue now.”
Victoria came in to gossip with the nurse.
“Oh my god, are you waiting for Abbot?”
“Why is everyone asking me that?”
“Because we’re betting-” she started before getting cut off by Mateo.
“We were just wondering,” he explained.
“Wait, what are you betting on?”
Javadi looked at her man with an apologetic look before explaining herself to you.
“People here are often betting about stuff. Nothing crazy though! It’s just like… Who is gonna date who and things like that. We were just thinking, with all of the time Abbot spends down in your department, that there was maybe something worth betting on. Like you and him…”
“Oh… I don’t think he likes me like that,” you trailed off.
“But do you?” Mateo wondered, getting as nosy as his girlfriend.
“Yeah- I mean, I don’t know!” You tried to correct yourself, but it was too late.
The two of them were already getting their wallets and leaving you alone.
At the same time, Jack came to see you. He was fidgeting with his wedding ring.
“Hey, are you ready to go sing?”
“Mhm, you?”
“I wasn’t going to sing… Unless you want me to?”
“I want you to! I’m not going to sing alone!”
He laughed and nodded as he said his goodbyes to everyone who stayed. You went in his car as you talked about your day to him. He was a great listener, so you just ranted while he drove and occasionally nodded in agreement to what you said.
“We’re there,” he announced as he parked the car.
You noticed some nurses and doctors talking outside the building.
“I’m a little scared,” you admitted while fidgeting with your fingers.
“Why?” He asked as he opened your car door.
“I don’t know these people.”
“You know me. If it doesn’t work out with them, you can just stay with me.”
“Okay… Yeah, I’ll do that.”
You entered the almost empty bar with him and saw more people from the hospital. Mel was singing with Parker, which surprised you considering that she’s normally on day shift.
Jack placed a hand on your back to guide you toward the bar.
“What do you want to drink?”
“Something sweet,” you said, unsure of what to take.
“I heard that their Ameratto Sour was good.”
“Okay, yeah, why not?”
As the drinks continued to come, you felt pretty dizzy, but you wanted to sing a song. That’s when you searched for something good on your phone.
“Do you know Love On The Brain by Rihanna?”
“I do,” he confirmed. “Is that what you want to sing with me?”
“Yes,” you replied as you went to the worker who controlled the playlist.
You walked onto the scene with him and sang. Both of you were awful singers, but it was funny, and you were too drunk to feel embarrassment. You saw Ellis film you while she was laughing.
Once you finished singing the song, you left as Abbot held your waist to make sure you weren’t falling.
“Wow, I’m winning that bet,” Parker said to Mel, who got confused. “I’ll explain later.”
—
You don’t remember much of the rest of the day, but when you got back to work the next night, your head was hurting really bad.
You saw Abbot come in without a scrub. His hands were holding a paper cup.
“What’s that?” You asked with a raspy voice from singing.
“That’s tea for your hangover.”
“You’re the best,” you praised, drinking from the hot liquid.
It was sweet, just like you loved. He remembered your sweet tooth from your cocktail choice at the bar.
“Why don’t you wear a scrub?” You pointed out as he stayed there while you signed documents.
“I have a day off.”
“Are you held against your will? Should I call the cops? You never take days off.”
“Gloria’s the guilty one,” he blamed. “Insurance policy. Can’t work every day or we risk a lawsuit.”
“And you come to work on your day off?”
“Got a therapy appointment. And I figured you’d need some help with the headache.”
“I did, thanks.”
Your conversation got cut off early by Lena, who came in to give you a body.
“Hi, sweetheart. Got a seventy-year-old man who died from sepsis shock.”
“What’s his name?”
“Hector Granger. We don’t have much information except for his wallet,” she informed you, placing the object on your desk.
As she left, she took Jack’s arm and pulled him with her. You were left alone to take care of Mr Granger.
“What are you doing?” Lena questioned Abbot once you were out of sight.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“She likes you, Jack. Leave her alone or actually do something about it. It’s not fair for her.”
He suddenly looked everywhere, but at the person he was talking with.
“I can’t do that to my wife.”
“She’s not there anymore. Think about what you want for once. Do you like her or not?”
“I do, but-”
“Then do something about it. You can’t play with her feelings forever, and you know that as much as me.”
He nodded and looked to the ground in shame.
“Hell, my first husband kept doing that, and I ignored it. Let me tell you that my divorce wasn’t ignored much. You date her, or you don’t, but don’t make people wait for their money.”
“God, I thought Robby was joking about the betting board.”
“Oh no, baby. It’s the most popular bet in a while.”
He smiled and headed to the elevator with her. She left on the ER floor while he went on the psychiatry floor for his therapy session.
“Good evening, doc,” his therapist said as he opened the door to let him in.
During the appointment, he talked about his PTSD and how it gets better when he keeps himself busy.
“Is there something else on your mind, Jack?”
Even if he didn’t want to, he learned over time that being honest with him was the best option, so he nodded.
“Yeah, I’m thinking about dating again, but it’s hard.”
“What are you afraid will happen if you date again?”
“I’ll feel like I’m replacing my wife.”
“Would your wife think that?”
Jack didn’t answer. He didn’t know how to. He yearned for an actual answer, one from his wife, not the hypotheses people made up in their heads. The problem was that he could never have this answer.
“I think I’ll just stay away from the dating pool. I need more time, clearly,” he trailed off.
──୨୧──
For the next few days, you didn’t see Jack. You knew he was working. You saw him in the hospital but never in your morgue. He didn’t stop by anymore.
You thought you finally made a friend in that fucking hospital just for him to disappear once he got to know you. How is that fair? Why can everybody make friends? Even the mean girls from your high school have bigger social lives than you. It’s not fair; it’s never fair. You’ve never insulted anyone; you've always tried to understand their actions rather than judge. Just for you to get betrayed like that? Fuck it.
Lena came by as you typed on your keyboard like it personally offended you.
“He’s avoiding you?” She asked knowingly.
“I thought I made a friend. I’m not dumb enough to think it was something more like everyone in your department thinks. I didn’t even care that I liked him. I was just happy with a friend, and I can’t even have that!” You ranted with a lot of anger in your voice.
She listened and let you rant, so you continued because you felt more heard than with the bodies you cleaned.
“I kept replaying everything in my head. I was like ‘maybe the karaoke was embarrassing’ or ‘maybe I talked too much’. Whatever, I was just too much. I’m always too much apparently. I don’t even know what is much, so how would I know what’s too much?”
“Honey, I’ve worked with Abbot for years.”
“So? People don’t usually leave without a reason.”
“And people don’t usually feel as much as he does,” she started. “I’ve worked with Jack Abbot for years. I know when he’s running away.”
“From… Me?”
“From himself, honey. But let me tell you this: if he wanted nothing to do with you, he wouldn’t have spent weeks coming down here.”
You didn’t respond. Didn’t really know how to anyway. You just continued typing on your keyboard but with less strength this time.
She smiled and left you with a pile of paper that Jack signed. That same pile of paper that would’ve been given by him some days prior.
Your shift ended, and you went to the elevator. When the doors opened, and you saw Jack, you tried to act normal and just did like everything was fine.
You clicked on the first floor and dreamt about your empty car.
Right as the doors closed, you never felt this awkward in your whole life, and you were literally known as the weird girl in the hospital. The elevator’s light flickered for an instant and suddenly stopped working. Contrary to the normal elevator that restarted instantly, the staff elevator took more time.
That’s it. You were officially in hell. Your first straw was being in an elevator with him, but your last was certainly being stuck in an elevator with him.
“It’s fine,” he reassured as he clicked on the emergency button. “It’s the rainstorm after the heatwaves. The generator will work in a couple of seconds.”
Maintenance answered and said they’ll be there in fifteen minutes. Fifteen minutes stuck with him. You knew you should've prayed with your grandma when there was still time. Hell was really bad.
“I always knew elevators were plotting against me…”
He snorted at your comment, and it made you angry. How could he express joy when he made you feel so much confusion recently?
“Did I do something?” You finally asked.
“What?”
“You’ve been avoiding me. If I did something, I’d rather know. I can fix awkward; I can apologize too. I just… Need to know what happened.”
“Nothing happened,” he brushed off as he avoided eye contact.
“Tell me how to be better, and I will do it. I just need you to tell me, Jack.”
“You didn’t do anything, I swear.”
“Then what happened?”
“I’ve been trying to figure myself out.”
“Oh…”
Lena was right… It wasn’t about you but about him running away from himself. You heard him take a deep breath, and you felt guilty for having brought that shit up.
“Can we start over?” He asked as he looked you in the eyes for the first time since the beginning of this conversation.
“Yes, of course we can.”
As if on cue, the elevator started to work after your words.
──୨୧──
Since this moment in the elevator, you saw Jack a little more. He realized that avoiding you was hurting you, and that’s all he needed to change his behavior.
“Want to go take a bite after?” He asked as he went to your department.
“I would love to, but I’ve been craving ramen for days, and I have some at my place.”
He nodded in acceptance, and you felt guilty for letting him go like that when you wanted to see him more.
“Do you want to come? I could make some ramen for you too,” you suggested as you stored a body in its place.
“I’d like that, yes. Langdon and Mel recommended a good boba place. We could take our drinks there too.”
“Oh my god, your brain,” you praised as you gathered your belongings to leave.
He drove you to your place, and you looked at him while he drove. You were feeling comfortable where you were. You were actual friends. He wasn’t trying to apologize for anything or avoid you. He was just hanging out with you because he wanted to, and that was what was comforting. You had a real friend.
As you ate, you watched Criminal Minds on your couch and corrected the medical errors they said.
When he pointed to the TV, you noticed that he didn’t have his wedding ring on.
“Her wound wouldn’t look like that if-”
“You took off your wedding ring,” you bluntly acknowledged before immediately regretting it.
He took a moment to look at his ring, to remember how empty his finger was.
“Huh… Yeah. I haven't touched it for a whole shift, and I went home and took it off.”
“How did it make you feel?”
“I cried… Then I moved on.”
“I’m proud of you,” you praised as he smiled.
“Thank you, kid. It means a lot.”
After a short silence, he suddenly blurted out what he’d been keeping in his head for so long.
“Do you want to go on a day someday?”
“Like a friendly date?”
“No, like a romantic date.”
“...With me?”
He chuckled at your disbelief.
“Yeah.”
“Why? Is that because we hang out more? I’m fine with just being friends if that’s the issue.”
“Kid, I have a lot of friends, and I never feel that way with them. I can’t just be friends, and I think I’m finally ready for something more.”
“Are you sure? Like it’s not because I feel any type of way towards you, right?”
you are not celebrating "strange girl summer" You grew up attractive with money and healthy social interaction And you wouldve bullied me if we met in middle school
There’s a certain folkloric idea that if you die at sea, your soul is sort of. Inextricably stuck in the sea. Because your body is irretrievable, your soul is also irretrievable, down, down, down out of the reach of the gods who look at the surface of the world. In Norse mythology, they say that the souls of sailors who died at sea are caught in the sea-goddess Rán’s net and dragged into her domain, a distinct and separate afterlife alongside Hel and Valhalla. Davy Jones Locker. The funayūrei. A lot of cultures agree that once sea has a hold on you, even when your body has rotted and dwindled and been made food for crabs, it still won’t let you go.
Do you think we’re going to wind up saying the same thing about astronauts.
#I feel like space won't be quite the same#the sea is easy to personify #it moves regularly like breathing #it has moods and temperaments #it pulls you down down and in sucks you away hungrily #the sea is a presence and it wants to keep you or why would it make it so hard to get back to shore #space is a lack #an emptiness #it does not move or breathe or swallow it does nothing at all #it is bigger than the sea bigger than the world #but it has no moods it does not drag you anywhere #it leaves you exactly where you are. forever. #souls in space are not pulled down and kept they are wandering lost #nothing holds them back but earth is a tiny speck and they will not find it again (@iztarshi)
more than anything i want a world where a trans girl realizing she is a trans girl faces zero fear from that realization and subsequent coming out. Where she can say "Oh sweet, I can just be a girl? Sign me up!", no worrying if shes girl enough, no worrying if society will accept her, no worrying if she'll be an attractive girl as she transitions, no worrying at all in any way shape or form.
ellievsbear
germansingergirl
turnnoffyourmind
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
stormborns
