This is a PSA for all the monster enthusiasts on this website. What tier are you?
Are you tired of opening tumblr dot com and posting about your freakish ways, only to be told you're thirsting after a conventionally attractive alien? Or are you fed up with all the posers who call themselves "monsterfuckers," but won't even give Bigfoot the time of day? Fear not! With too much time on their hands, the ranked competitive perverts of at least two Discord servers have joined forces to refine: The Revised Monsterfucking Scale (RMFS).
This eight-tier, self-scored list now offers an easy and quantifiable way to know, once and for all, how low you're willing to go.
THE REVISED MONSTERFUCKING SCALE (RMFS)
[Clarifying Note: The tiers are arranged in order of distance from the concept of humanity, not how socially acceptable it would be to fuck any one type of creature. Examples are included to give a general idea. It is not required to find all or any of the particular monsters listed personally appealing to rate oneself as that tier.]
Tier 1 [Human-equivalent]: Creatures such as vampires, elves, dwarves and other fantasy races that look human with slight variations, like pointy ears. Examples: Astarion from BG3, Jacob Elordi's Frankenstein's Monster, various Hobbits.
Tier 2 [Human-spicy]: Like tier 1, except some features are not 1:1 human analogous, such as abnormal size differences or skin color. Examples: Na'vi from Avatar, Tiefling from D&D, entry-level catgirl with ears + tail. Androids with visible machinery and most zombies are included in this tier.
Tier 3 [Half & Half]: The creature has some human features and some monstrous features that are inextricably linked. Example: centaurs, mermaids, catgirls with full-body fur, Sonar from Dispatch, the Minotaur.
Tier 4 [Humanoid monsters]: Full monster creature that maintains several human-analogous features, such as bipedalism, a mouth, two eyes, four limbs, and a humanoid body shape. Examples: Venom, Vecna from Stranger Things, Groot, Davey Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean, the monster from The Shape of Water, Pyramid Head. Humanoid robots are included in this tier.
Tier 5 [Non-humanoid flesh and blood monsters]: Creatures that have clear inhuman features but are made of organic, flesh-adjacent material. The creatures are alien, but not disgusting by default. Examples: Mike Wazowski & Randall from Monsters Inc., the Xenomorph, more tentacle-forward mind-flayers. Most dragons are also included in this tier. This tier assumes all creatures have a solid bodily shape.
Tier 6 [Non-flesh, non-humanoid creatures]: The creature doesn't look at all like a human and is also not made of flesh-like materials that humans understand. The creature is not disgusting by default. Examples: Rocky from Project Hail Mary, Wheatley from Portal, Flowey from Undertale. Non-humanoid robots and most slime monsters are included in this tier. This tier assumes all creatures have a solid bodily shape.
Tier 7 [Depravity]: These horrors are fundamentally designed to be disgusting, distressing, and as far removed from humanity as possible, such that even most seasoned monsterfuckers would be perplexed and disturbed upon meeting them. This tier also includes non-anthropomorphic, animal-like creatures* and monsters whose material form is so otherworldly and esoteric that it would make sexual encounters difficult without extreme dedication. Examples: visibly rotting and diseased non-humanoid creatures, parasitic alien worms, Biblically accurate angels, Eldritch horrors, the Loch Ness monster, undersea fish creatures, and shapeless beings such as puddles or sentient molds.
Tier 8 [???]: The thing you want to fuck is so beyond the scope of man that it lacks the ability to fuck you back, or indeed, even perceive your desire. You are a meaningless speck of dust jacking off in the periphery of this creature's existence. Congratulations! You've surpassed monsterfucking and achieved existential monster voyeurism. Now go home and cry as you listen to Disco Elysium music. Examples of this tier include: The Void.
*For tiers 7 and below, it is assumed that all creatures pass the Harkness Test.
sometimes you just gotta fuck up your sleep schedule by reading all 100k words of a fic you're not even enjoying, and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise
funny little headcanon is that i believe if victoria ever came out to her mom that shamsi would be like 'okay, that's fine. but i still don't understand why you do not want to go into surgery. all the other gay women are in surgery; do you not want to be a gay surgeon like yolanda and emery? what about your lesbian friend trinity, doesn't she want to do surgery as well? you can do better victoria'
A HANDY CHART FOR THOSE OF YOU WONDERING WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THESE. NOTE THAT THESE ARE ALL THE INFORMAL AND YOU IS THE FORMAL SO LIKE YOU WOULD ALWAYS ADDRESS YOUR SUPERIOR/ OLDER PERSON/ SOCIAL BETTER WITH YOU BUT WITH YOUR BUDS YOU CAN USE THESE.
I know that I had somewhat unusually comprehensive sex ed but it still surprises me every time I'm reminded that some people genuinely think that losing your virginity is a capri sun kind of situation.
"'I don't know' isn't an answer" alright man then I'll just. Fuckin. Enter my philosophical mind-palace and check the fuckin akashic records. Real quick lemme just catch and cook and eat the Salmon of All Knowledge. Tell me ur question again so I can real quick climb to the highest branches of the Yggdrasil and lay it at the feet of Freda the all-wise Queen of Heaven. Dickhead.
When my mother forgets a word, she is the queen of coming up with new words. Words that would take a third National Treasure movie to fully decipher. I was talking to her yesterday, and she said this: “You know the time for los jibbities is coming up. You must be so excited!” Oh, is it time for los jibbities already? I must have missed it on my calendar. Are we celebrating something? “Of course! We should all be celebrating, shouldn’t we?” OK, so los jibbities is a happy thing. It’s not like something is giving you the heebie-jeebies, which would have been my one and only guess. “Los heebie-jeebies? Now you’re making things up...and this is my show.” You’re right. The time for los jibbities is coming up. Is this a season? “Yes, the season for love. The season for pride.” OK, los jibbities. “Yeah, sound it out.” Los…jibbities. LGBTs! “Sí, mira cuz you’re gay!” “You couldn’t just say pride season? You couldn’t just… *laughs*
oh my god i just saw her get onto an airship with a woman whose tophat has at least twice as many sprockets as mine. i will be killing myself with an elaborate pneumatic pistol tonight
Comic tiiiiime!!! The amazing @2shards donated an incredible generous amount for an art in the @fandomtrumpshate auction this year.
So I offered to draw a small scene of their choice and that was Moash catching a whip with his bare hand in Oathbringer chapter 48.
Very heroic! Very cool.
I redrew that stupid punch so many times.
But I am so happy that it all worked out, since I managed to hand 2shards a printed (and by happenstance bound) and signed copy of this at MCM in London!
I hope (and am sure) we will see many more cool fanworks popping up over the year from the FTH auction, so keep your eyes peeled and perhaps consider joining next year ;)
The beautiful alt-texts are written by @2shards with small additions and changes by me. :)
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