Float with feels

Creating and curating feelings about life and people in general.

[shamelessrealizations-blog]

What are you good at?

I have always asked myself what I am good at.

There came a time when I even told the people around me that I just do what I do because I know how to do it. Because I need to. Not because I love it. Not because I want it.

But by doing so, I felt numbed. I felt lost.

Reevaluating myself was my top priority when I left a reaaaally comfortable comfort zone. There were so many if’s and but’s while making that very hard decision. So I prayed.

I knew I had to decide after that. For myself. For the future ahead of me.

It was only recently that this thought dawned on me, “So I am good at something.” How’d I know? There are people who believe in what I do. In what I create. And I forced myself to believe that. I set aside my insecurities and focused on doing. Then, I told myself to continue being better.

I know I am not there yet. Heck, I am so far I can’t even see what’s “there”. It’s a long road, but at least I’m starting on a journey towards something.

If you’re in this situation, don’t let yourself get swallowed by that black hole. Too insecure? Don’t blame yourself too much. Stop thinking about what you are not and start thinking of what you can do. Come up with a plan. It can be as vague as “I want to be better”, and you will see how you’ll come a long way from there.

You’ll get there. Wherever that may be. 

[shamelessrealizations-blog]

“‘Yun nga ang problema ko, wala akong goal.” (That’s my problem. I don’t have a goal.) I remember saying this to @thewanderingbeggar one night. He didn’t get it at first, but after almost an hour of arguments, he was able to tell me what I might have wanted to hear all this time. I don’t need a specific goal. I just need something to look forward to every single day. I have been feeling lost for quite a while now. Sometimes I’ll find myself wanting something, but after a few months, I’ll find myself perplexed again. Then, my heart and mind gave up and just agreed that maybe I am just living a goal-less life. And I’m telling you, that feeling sucks. BIG. TIME. When it happens to you, living happily is not really part of your multiple choices. But having this kind of conversation with someone who thinks differently opened my mind that chose to close itself. “Isulat mo ‘yung mga bagay na gusto mo,” (write down the things you want) he said. And make it a goal. Even if it’s so simple like waking up happy. That’s something to look forward to. He’s usually the logical one, so I’ll believe him. Try to do so, too, if you’re feeling the same way. You can do it! #ShamelessThoughts#ShamelessRealizations

[shamelessrealizations-blog]

The Authenticity of Lonely

(3/3)

The unpleasant silence, which I used to love, surrounded another night of an unsolicited visit.

While the rain started pouring outside, Lonely sat right next to me with a straight face. No irritating grin in sight. No mischievous eyes. No devious introduction.

I stared at it longer, and tonight, it looked like just like its name.

“You’re coming with me much sooner than I thought.” It said, breaking the long silence. “You’re on the verge of giving up, right?”

After a few weeks of maintaining a strong facade, trying so hard to show the world a stronger side of myself, a happier one, this thing broke everything with two sentences. Two fucking sentences. 

I felt that sharp pain in my chest again. And it’s tearing me apart. Slowly cutting through my skin, the pain made its way to my heart. 

“How long will you keep hurting me?” I asked, my voice breaking in between sobs. I hate crying, but I admit that I am such a cry baby. My eyes will swell and start tearing up on many things, and I hate it.

Logically, which doesn’t seem to work very well right now, this pain will fade almost immediately once Lonely leaves. I won’t even remember how much this hurts tomorrow. 

Heck, I don’t even understand why I am hurting.

However, at this moment, it feels like it would hurt me over and over again until I give up on it. When the hell will this end?

Lonely stood up and started walking away. 

“You keep hurting you. I don’t even do anything to you.”

[shamelessrealizations-blog]

My heart hurts so bad right now.

[shamelessrealizations-blog]

SHAMELESS THOUGHTS

I’ve heard people saying not to look back and always move forward. However, I realized recently that whatever happened to your past has a lot to do with your present and future, so it’s actually okay to take a peek once in a while. It might be sad, painful, or gut-wrenching, but at the end of the day, it’s what makes you stronger; it’s what makes you, you.

If you feel like you need more time before you can move on from the pain, then give yourself all the time in the world. It doesn’t matter if it will take a while, because what matters most is your well-being. It’s okay; just be okay. When you get to the happier parts of your life, it will be good to look back and tell yourself, “I made it through that crap. Good job, me.”

[inkgore]

Loving you is not for the faint of heart.

[shamelessrealizations-blog]

The Authenticity of Lonely

(2/3)

I woke up from a dreamless sleep with a heavy heart, eating up my motivation countless times, and this morning was not an exemption.

Lonely was sitting on the edge of the bed. Its silence was deafening; I wanted to place my hands on my ears. I tried to remember happy thoughts.

“Don’t.”

What the fuck.

What the actual fuck.

I sat up, trying to brush off the heavy feeling that one word gave to no avail. It tried to pin me down again to my bed, but I resisted. Tears found its way out of my eyes again.

Please shut up.

Please go away.

It then went away. But it will be back, I know.

[shamelessrealizations-blog]

The Authenticity of Lonely

(1/3)

Have you ever felt like something dark and heavy has been following you for a long time?

I have.

It has been tailing me for years now, leaving for a couple of months but would eventually find its way back to my side. Sometimes, it comes on top of me, pinning me down with all its might.

When I asked for its name, it gave me a smirk.

“Lonely”, it said.

Right after it talked, I felt something so excruciating inside my chest. Did something stab me?

I coughed hard that tears started falling. No, it was more of a sob.

“Why are you here?”

My voice broke from the pain, like fragile glass pieces on the floor.

It smirked again, and then it vanished into thin air.

“Because of you. I will be here everywhere you go.”

[shamelessrealizations-blog]

When emotions start to dwell too much on something so petty, logic tends to drift away. That’s when things get out of hand.

[shamelessrealizations-blog]

Listen.

Listening has always been either a good or bad habit of mine. The words coming out of someone else's mouth have fascinated me ever since. Add their facial expressions. I love it.

My problem, though, lies to the fact that I cannot see through their facades. They may say the truth or they may lie through their teeth, and I would not know. A natural born gullible person, yes.

Some may think that I am uninterested of what they say because of my blank reactions, but that was never the case. I like hearing others' stories, and I try so hard to remember all of them. People in general tend to be so self absorbed about themselves, telling your own story can be really exciting, that they tend to forget to actually care about their listener's reactions. So I tend to disregard my own.

Not that it has really caused me a problem, but some people really think I am lukewarm about their stories. Nope. My face just sometimes forget to react. 😅

[shamelessrealizations-blog]

She left her heart somewhere, wishing it is near where he is.

[shamelessrealizations-blog]

12

She thought she was just simply in love with him; it turned out she loves him too much. Tears ran down her face when she realized that there is a chance he might not end up with her. And it did hurt. A lot.

It was on that moment that she realized that love would always hurt. She only needed to choose who it was worth hurting for.

[shamelessrealizations-blog]

Life is all about learning.

[shamelessrealizations-blog]

To get to where you are, I'll fly to the skies so high it might drown me. I'll swim the deepest waters and let myself get lost in it. And maybe, just maybe, I'll get to where you are. When that time comes, letting you go anywhere without me is never an option.

To where?

[shamelessrealizations-blog]

If so, how?

Have you ever woken up one morning and realized that you just fell for someone you never intended to love? Because you know yourself that unrequited love should be taboo? That girl did.

With a heart that just recovered from an intense trauma, she found herself loving again. She found herself crying again. “Should love really be this hard?”, she asks as she held her fist in her chest with the pain resonating inside her.

But can you really teach yourself not to love? Or maybe just choose who to love? If so, how?