“Give me the number for 911!”
“Oh, so they have the internet on computers now.”
“With $10,000 we’d be like millionaires!”
“Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.”
“If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.”
“Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene.‘”
“Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”
“Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do?”
“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”
“When I look at the smiles on all the children’s faces, I just know they’re about to jab me with something.”
“Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.”
“I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here.”
“Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that. “
“How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?“
“Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?”
“Alcohol is a way of life, alcohol is my way of life, and I aim to keep it.”
“All my life I’ve had one dream, to achieve my many goals.”
“That’s it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I’m going to clown college!
“If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.”
“I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!”
“'To Start Press Any Key’. Where’s the ANY key?”
“What’s the point of going out? We’re just gonna wind up back here anyway.”
“I’ve learned that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish [Name] was dead.”
“I believe that children are our future. Unless we stop them now.”
“Oh yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?”
“I’ve gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren’t just confined to zoos.”
“I’m like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?”
“Yes…Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.”
“Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true.”
“You’ll have to speak up, I’m wearing a towel.”
“It takes two to lie–One to lie and one to listen.”
“Let that be a lesson to you. Never love anything.”
“I have misplaced my pants.”
“Boy, everyone is stupid except me.”
“In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics.”
“Look. Just give me some inner peace or I’ll mop the floor with you.”
“Ahhh. I’m just a big toasty cinnamon bun. I never want to leave this bed.”
“Oooh, a lovely desk. Would be a shame if someone… Oh, I don’t know, didn’t use a coaster!”
“I don’t know exactly what went wrong, but I know it’s always my fault.”
