This is the Place

Paki Philosopher Thoughts

[shark-habib]

Monday 29th 2019

I’ve decided I am going to start writing again. For at least 5 minutes a day. No purpose or goal. 

Today was the first rain in Karachi in 2 years. It rained all day. The rain brings relief- of the heat and the thirsty crops- it washes over the entire city, and brings with it a new sheen. 

I, however, feel stuck- stuck and sad. Feelings on inadequacy. Feeling so down that wondering if I am able to be a competent and responsible therapist. Feeling like do I even want to be? I wish I could just work at a book store or at an office, making copies. 

DO I really want that? I know its just those negative automatic thoughts, the old scripts, the old visitor. 

What am I working towards? What does feeling alright look like?

I cried in Hussnain’s lap folded over. He was comforting and loving. I felt his warmth. It was nice

I got passport size pictures taken- awful

Bought and ate doughnuts.

Called for new coffee- we’re trying the Brazilian blend.

MIL came up to talk in the morning, when I was still having breakfast waking up. I struggled to get through the conversation.

I have this feeling of just wanting the day to end, before it begins. Wanting to do work but being overpowered by the sense of meaningless of it all. The feeling of resignation.

[shark-habib]

Burning the Stubble - Jon Stallworthy

Another harvest gathered in Worse than the last; only a bin of rotten grain for all our trouble. But there is a time for the plough, a time for harvesting, and now a time for burning the stubble.

Flames snap at the wind, and it etches the eye with a bitter mirage of summer. Returning I looked for the dip in the ground, the nest, the unfurled poppy; found nothing but stubble burning

and charred ground hardening towards frost. Fire before ice; and the ground must be ploughed after burning the stubble, the ground must be broken again. There can be no new grain without, first, burning the stubble.

[shark-habib]

I feel nauseous with stress as I often do. Like the night before an exam, hoping some calamity breaks and I'm saved from the humiliation of failing. The stakes are now higher, I just need to stop worrying and let myself fuck up unprepared

[thesilkylilacsss-deactivated201]

My top fav Indian actresses. Can we please take a moment to appreciate their beauty?!

[shark-habib]

Ooof

[shark-habib]

Before bed thoughts

I haven't written in forever. What else is new. I'm afraid of everything. What else is new? Today was a rough start to the week as is most Mondays. Nani left for Sri Lanka in the afternoon. Classes went alright except IX R drove me completely mad. Need to figure out how to manage them. Thinking about Break detentions. Lost a bunch of report books. Felt awkward at dept meeting. Fell asleep about 3 times when trying to work. Went to lunch with Hussnain at chop chop wok. I got noodles with chicken he got oriental rice with fish. Food was just alright. We both drank diet cokes. There was a man there by himself. We spoke about how odd it is to see people dining alone in Karachi. It essentially never happens. We debated whether we ever would. We both decided no. Today I had many doubts about the relationship. Or more so my behavior as a partner. I feel like I'm more concerned with analyzing every aspect of myself as a partner and the evolution of my relationship to genuinely allow myself to feel the feelings I want. Some days I wonder why I didn't just insist on staying single. I like wallowing in my self loathing. That's a luxury I can no longer afford Today I over shared about myself and past relationships. Ones relationships should remain private even when over. Today I broke that code and now I'm afraid of the perception created through those stories. Everything has its unique place and the meaning it had to me cannot be conveyed. It's not fair to focus on the negatives. I don't understand him entirely. He likes his alone time. He is extremely busy and productive and positive, but also needy. Not in the way I'm needy. Needy when it's convenient maybe. It's hard to maneuver when you see each other everyday in a professional setting but not a romantic setting. I dunno Today mom and I talked about queer Muslims. She's still having panic attacks. She apologizes for not being able o wake up in the morning. I feel like I can't take care of myself but admitting that is accepting the worst kind of failure. It's true though

[shark-habib]

Tired of breathing in air that is full of dusk and polluted. Just want to enjoy taking a deep breath early in the morning on a Saturday.

[shark-habib]

Updated my phone. Now I have tumblr

[shark-habib]

My Mental Illness

[shark-habib]

Living With Depression 

I can feel the onset of a new cycle of depression coming on. It may be weeks before I really find myself drowning or maybe it’ll go away my body catches up to it. 

[shark-habib]

100 posts!

[youthx]

19 November 2013 Flume & Chet Faker // Drop The Game

[shark-habib]

Listen to on repeat while doing corrections

[shark-habib]

New Project

I met my counselling group today after four-five months. This is the longest we’ve gone without communicating. And being with them made me realize just how much I miss authentic and genuine interactions. One hour of safe space for a few people to share has had a bigger impact than any therapy I’ve been to in the last few months. 

This got me thinking. So far, there is absolutely no system of group therapy or support groups in Pakistan. There are maybe a couple of rehabilitation facilities for low income groups. But nothing to cater to mood disorders- which happen to be more common amongst the higher class (must research). 

Anyway, my plan is so start off small. I have a few people in mind who would be interested and know hundreds in demand for a support system like this. THere are so many people who do the certificate and diploma in Humanistic Counselling but do not become therapists- they would make great sponsors. Anyone who wants to join group must pay a fee and sign a contract- The tricky part will be deciding how to enforce the contract- there is no legal system that can make sure confidentiality and anonymity will not be broken. Anonymity may be impossible entire since the Karachi elite are all separated by two degrees of separation at most.  For example, in my group (we were all part of the certificate course) I was distantly related to two people, found three people in my community, my brother’s friend’s mother, my boyfriend’s partner’s wife, and then just people who went to the same school or whose co workers where friends. However, we managed to build a space where what happened in group stayed in group. But would this be able to repeated when people may not be consistent? 

I will defintely have to provide a social aspect where proceeds will go to rehabilitation and addiction centres. This way people from those centres may be inclined to offer training to young supervisors- Must Research

Group will start off being just a place for people with mood disorders to share. THings I need to do over fall break:

1) Research- Mood disorders. Power of Group. Expertise required- 

2) Business Plan- Logistics. Borrowed Space. Overhead costs. Time-line

3)Network - Contact the 10 therapists I know- the ones who are over saturated with clients and the most qualified. Get in touch with instructors over at cppd- See what help they can offer. Pitch idea to family members, find people to help me build a business model. 

[shark-habib]

Memory

Do you really love that deeply Do you really love so many It seems to me that you love talking love more than loving, honey On nights like these I feel a deep sense of longing Missing something I can't recall I forget what being loved feels like But I try to remember that maybe I got it all wrong anyway Most night i stared at the wall Tracing my thoughts with my finger Because you were always asleep The second you decided lights out All these things I wished to say I kept inside of me Hoping one day would ask me "Baby what's on your mind" "What keeps you up at night" I turn around and watch you sleep I often wondered What lies in that deep dark mind Do you think about me? Do you wonder if I'm happy? Cause all I worry about Is if I'm keeping you happy Keeping you calm What do you dream about How many visions of hurting me lie Different ways of killing me Do you think more about strangling me or beating me with that candle stick I love you any way I was never really afraid, you know I know it's late I turn back around and sigh You pull me in You hold on so tight that I stop breathing for a moment I want to savor this I know one day I'll forget what it feels like to be held When that day comes I want to borrow this feeling of safety Everything is ok when you hold me like this That day has come over and over And I can't really remember Or borrow from memory I just want to be held Don't forsake me my Lord

[katicore]

I will be by your side

I’ll iron your clothes I’ll shine your shoes I’ll make your bed And cook your food I’ll never cheat I’ll be the best girl you’ll ever meet!

[shark-habib]

By Your Side

[shark-habib]

09/09/15

I now realize why people get degrees in education. Being an educator is serious stuff. I know I'm only a month in but it kind of feels like I'm failing pretty miserably. I just don't know what I'm doing most of the time. All I want is to actually help the kids. But I think they hate me the way I hated all my teachers ever up until university. I'm part of the problem and I don't know how to do a damned thing about it

[shark-habib]

07/09/15

Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired

[shark-habib]

I decided to stop writing. I decided it was childish, I decided it was a part of all the pining that had become my identity. Well now, I have a new job, I have a new social circle (well lack there-of) and I've stopped fighting what I can’t change. I grew up, I started dressing like a grown up, talking like a grown up. I moved on.

But what did I move on to? I’m not sure. I’m not quite sure if now I can say I’m ok. My life has meaning now? Does it? I’m surrounded by the kids I teach, but I feel like a helpless little kid. Am I making any of a difference? Or is my incompetence making it worse? Do I even matter? Am I just a clog in a new machine? I feel like I can't actually be anything of any significance. Will I ever stop feeling this dread? I’m not sad. I feel hollow. I don't want to die. But I'm indifferent towards being alive. 

Why does it feel like I'm the only one who can't figure it out?

Can’t I just forget about my sorrows and feel something different?