im tired.
so yâall probably noticed that i havenât posted here in⊠pretty much years. here, or my ffxiv tumblr, or my art tumblr, or⊠anywhere, really. i think itâs about time i explain why.
tl;dr: ghosting.
i had good friends. really good friends. i loved them to bits, iâd do anything in my power to help them in any way i can. idk if itâs because of past associations or maybe i was too enthusiastic with my care that it became too much, but we ended up distancing. a lot. i donât blame them in the leastâ if anything, i blame myself. i ended up falling into a deep depression after that, and while i wonât go into the details, letâs just say it ended with me being in more than one abusive friendship/relationship and i ended up at a point of becoming suicidal.
thankfully, iâve never acted on such thoughts, but i still had those thoughts. every time i looked at a knife or my momâs medication, i wondered, ââŠwhat ifâŠ?â. the only thing that kept me from buying a gun was the price. it scared me. it still scares me that i had those thoughts and i couldnât do anything to fix it because, yâknow, getting help costs money. money we canât afford to throw away. so i suffered in silence. and when i was done with that, i slowly learned and matured, doing my best to pick myself up, piece by piece.
and i think it worked.
iâm happier now. i donât have many friends, but the few i do confide in are precious to me. i have a girlfriend who iâve been with for almost a year now, and i love her more than anything. iâm slowly paying off my debtsâ one will be completely paid off next month. i have a steady, well-paying job, iâve been going to the gym to lose weight (bc i ended up putting on like 40-50 pounds due to my depression, go figure), iâve just been working hard to become a me that i can be proud of.
so why the title?
because, in a way, iâm still attached to this tumblr. to my ffxiv tumblr. to my art tumblr. to everything that only gives me bittersweet memories and leaves me in tears at night. and iâm tired. i donât WANT to cry anymore. i donât WANT to think of my previous friends and only feel betrayal and self hate. i only want to think of the good times, even if they were forced on their end. so iâm abandoning this tumblr. the ffxiv one. the art one. iâm starting anew.
if yâall are interested, iâll be over at mothisms. itâs empty now, but iâll be utilizing it as a catch all, like this tumblr was meant to be. iâll be using it to post my interests, my artwork, my adventures in ffxiv, my day-to-day lifeâ maybe not so much the last one, i have a twitter for that. you donât have to come here with me, but if you do, i just have one rule: just be you. just be yourself, like iâm trying to be.
and if you donât want to follow, thatâs perfectly okay. i wish you all the best and that only happiness comes your way. and maybe, one day, our paths will cross again. âtil then, keep on keeping on.
- Moth
sorry for the reblog. i had originally intended for the username above to be the name of my new tumblr, but since it was the name of my old art blog, tumblr wasnât having it for a day.
but now it was available and i changed it appropriately. please follow mothisms if you wanna continue following me.
