alright, im gonna try to explain why i havent been active, but i have to talk abt some pretty triggering stuff, so pls be careful.
im not sure how to word this so im sorry if it seems abrupt, but the reason ive been gone for a while is bc i tried to kill myself. it didnt work, obvs, tho i wasnt admitted to the hospital bc i cant exactly tell my p*rents since theyre. one of the biggest reasons i tried in the first place. i havent noticed any lasting medical issues from it so im probably okay, i hope.
quarantine is quite honestly one of the worst things that has ever happened to me bc im trapped at home w my family, meaning i have to protect my siblings more often n my p*rents r less scared of hurting me since its less likely to be noticed. my home life has been worse than ever the past few months n im barely holding on here. i also still dont have any way to get ppl to believe me, tho, so im still stuck :)
if im being completely transparent, im kinda scared to come back on here. i got so many messages trying to use my triggers against me n telling me to kill myself that i honestly felt like the community would be better off if i was dead. im rlly grateful for all of u that sent me kind messages, who cared abt me, but it felt like it was drowned out by the overwhelming level of harassment i was being subject to.
i miss this, tho. i miss hermitcraft, n i miss my friends in the community. so im gonna try to be here again. my activity level will probably be pretty unstable, but im gonna try. i hope things go better this time around.
me: i wonder why i got so attached to hermitcraft so quickly and so intensely, and why it's so comforting to me?
also me: *latches on to any positive adult figure i can as a replacement for the ones i never had as a marginalized child growing up in a bad household*
hermitcraft: *entirely made up of positive adult figures, many of whom are vocal supporters of marginalized communities or are marginalized themselves*
addi's calmed down a bit so we're back, mostly. key's here but he went nonverbal last night and i really don't think he wants to talk right now, so it'll just be me for a bit. - emmy
okay im locking this account for an indeterminate amount of time adelaide is back and i(?) do not fucking trust her to not do some shit we cant fix this is very very very not good - key/emmy/seth maybe?
Hey, everyone. Sorry for the sudden serious post out of nowhere, but Key and Emmy asked me to write something but to explain what's been happening with us. People who also follow Key over at @welsknife probably know at least part of this, but they both feel that it's important to put it here too.
I will be discussing some heavy subjects under the cut; there will be warnings on specific sections that you can skip with a quick tl;dr afterwards, and there are trigger tags to block out the whole post for anyone that needs it. Please don't force yourself to read it if any of the content will upset you - your wellbeing means much more than knowing about someone on the internet's problems.
Firstly, a quick introduction from me, since I've never talked on here before. My name is Jordan, I use he/him pronouns, and I would be called an ANP. For those not familiar with system terminology, that stands for Apparently Normal Part, which means that I am an alter whose job is to maintain composure through traumatizing situations. I don't hold any trauma myself - my job is to look normal and prevent situations from worsening.
Now, to the actual reason for this post - what is happening with us. The obvious is that we are under quarantine, and this has disrupted our routine greatly, which we basically use as our crutch to function even a bit. Our ability to deal with our neurodivergency has taken a nosedive, and it's been difficult to do much of anything but shut down and try desperately to avoid being under or overstimulated, to the point of accidentally hurting ourself in the process. It's also harder to avoid sensory triggers when we're stuck in one place with a limited area to retreat to. This has resulted in many meltdowns, shutdowns, nonverbal episodes, and problems with basic self care.
[TW: Medical] Our physical problems have been acting up as well. We've been in a lot of pain recently, and with seeing our physical therapist out of the question, our only choice is to try and power through and deal with it on our own. As we don't currently have a diagnosis as to what exactly is wrong with our body, it's also left us quite anxious, since we don't know if our condition could make us more vulnerable to catching the virus or how much it could affect us if we do end up infected. [TL;DR: Our chronic pain has been flaring up, and we're especially anxious about the virus.]
However, those things... aren't our biggest problem. There's a lot more information on Key's blog, but it is in the form of vent posts, so I'll try to tone it down a bit here. [TW: Abuse] The basics are that we are being abused at home by both of our parents emotionally, mentally, and often physically. We're being denied medical care for our physical disability because they don't want to admit that we're disabled in the first place, as well as for our schizophrenia since they don't think it's "important" enough. They refuse to acknowledge our memory problems, which stem from our DID that... to be completely honest, they caused. They've been severely neglectful in the past, which led us to be abused and manipulated by several others, as well as invading privacy in others, cutting us off from our support system and forcefully isolating us.
They fight often, and when they're angry at each other, they... take it out on us. Whether that is yelling at us until we have a breakdown or hitting us depends on just how mad they made each other. However, I will emphasize this: we can't report them. Our father works for the local government and our mother runs a branch of a charity that spans the whole state. They are very well-known for being upstanding, kind members of the community, and we will not be believed if we come out with any accusations. Throw in the fact that we're a young teen with documented mental illnesses and we have to protect our two younger siblings, and it's obvious that we can't afford to risk making it worse by calling CPS. [TL;DR: We are stuck in a very unhealthy home situation and have no way of escaping it as of now. Quarantine has exacerbated the issue.]
It would not be exaggerating if I were to say that it feels like our life is falling apart. We've been losing time left and right, trying to juggle fronting time to both keep our memories in order and prevent any visible... weakness. Our depression and anxiety have reared their heads again, as if we didn't have enough problems already, and we honestly don't have the resources or mental space to fight this much at once right now. We're getting closer and closer to our actual breaking point, and I don't want to know what's going to happen when we're finally pushed over the edge.
So, why did Key and Emmy ask me to write this? Here's a simple answer.
This is a cry for help.
We don't know what to do. We're asking for absolutely anything at this point. Advice, a kind message, a distraction, anything, literally anything, to pull us away from this huge breakdown that's been building for god knows how long. We just need something to hold on to. Some reason to fight a little bit longer. Even if you can only think of the single most ineffective coping mechanism in the universe right now, it would help. We are honestly begging right now for anything you can offer. Please.
I know I'm currently posting this at an odd hour of the morning, and I know the things I talked about are very heavy subjects. But if you can, if it doesn't make you uncomfortable, I'd like to ask you to reblog this. Maybe it'll reach someone who sends something that helps, and then they'll get another person to help, then another, and suddenly we've found what we need to fight through another week. And I'll give my absolute most sincere thank you ever to anyone who does. Thank you for your help. We need it.
“Trying to act strong when I’m not strong. Trying to act strong has filled me up with pain. Every time I get close to my target I get nothing but a sting.”
Song lyrics by Crusher-P and Kairiki Bear. Song: Electrostatic Human
Iskall stared at the coordinated Mumbo had send him in confusion. It wasn’t the location of Mumbo’s base, that much he knew. They had exchanged coordinates before even putting down the first blocks of their bases. Iskall was glad they had accidentally settled in the same area. Visiting his boyfriend would have been freaking hard without the help of an Elytra otherwise. And sure, they sometimes prepared surprise dates for each other, but just sending coordinates?
