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@shitihearinlife
just learned today that there was a german monk who was obsessed with witches and women having sex so he wrote an entire book called the hammer of witches where in one part he describes in detail that witches have the ability to make people’s penises disappear and they keep the penises as pets and feed them oats
i’m serious
"as has been seen by many and is a matter of common report" is the 15th century version of "many such cases"
Roommate 1: Sink gurgles
Roommate 2: The sexiest kind of gurgles
Me: Why do you say things
"I would confess my love and then go to super hell for you"
-My girlfriend
"Sorry babe, the Gollum noises stay on during sex"
Things Overheard on a Magical College Campus
“So, we had to have another fucking hall meeting about people teleporting in the halls.”
“Her parents are high elf sorcerers, so obviously they bought her her own Pegasus already and everything.” “Ugh, rich kids.”
“What are you gonna do with a minor in Dragonology?”
“Well, if you fail this class you can always sell your soul to obtain power through unholy means.” “I can’t! I already sold my soul to pay my student loans!”
“He’s got the Chosen One scholarship. Full ride,” “Really? I was going to apply for that, but my parents are still alive, soooo...” “I applied but I think they’re looking for more of a farm-boy-raised-by-aunt-and-uncle type. I mean, I’m adopted, but I grew up in the city.”
“Really?” “Yeah, so that’s why the freshmen aren’t allowed to learn fireball anymore.”
“Don’t you dare bring weed into my dorm. My RA’s a werewolf, she can smell that shit!”
“I’ve got an alchemy class in ten minutes, think I can afford to skip?” “Who’ve you got?” “Zorbo.” “Ehh, better not, he tests mostly from his lectures. His exams are whack too, last time he spent so long on transmuting copper alloys and it was barely even in the textbook.”
“Yeah, so the cat’s actually the RA’s familiar, so that’s how she found out I had a waffle iron in the dorm.”
“Oh, I know the girl with the seeing-eye spider! She’s on my hall!”
“I guess I could always sell my body to the Dark Lord’s undead armies to pay off my student loans...”
“So I’m doing a group project with a bunch of Heroism majors so that’s how my life is going.”
“Guess who didn’t get any fucking sleep because someone backfired a spell in the bathroom at 3am and the whole fucking dorm had to evacuate?”
“I’m taking Dark Omens 312 as an elective.” “Really? I thought you needed Interpreting Vague Prophecies as a prerequisite.” “Oh, I have transfer credit.”
“I love the Witchcraft building, it always smells like bog water and bone dust.”
“I left my fucking battle axe in one of the bathrooms and now it’s gone!” “I dunno man. You could check the Lost and Found desk.”
“Maybe we can hang out in your dorm?” “I dunno, it’s a full moon so I’m pretty sure my roommate is wolfing out right now.”
“So I’m majoring in Mad Science now.” “Oh, have you taken your Unethics class?”
“Hey, wanna go to the Abandoned Dark Tower and hang out in the torture dungeons?” “Nah, I have like a hundred sigils to learn before the test Monday.” “Come onnn! It’s one of the best spots on campus!”
“Done with that exam, pretty sure I failed it, time to run into the woods and join the roving bands of undead wolves.”
“Do you think it’s too late to change my major to Necromancy?”
“My professor came in this morning and she’d forgotten to change back from a cloud of crows into a person, so that was something.”
“You can tell the freshmen by how freaked out they get at hearing the werewolf club do their howl-off.”
“Look, just because a professor is a demon doesn’t mean I can sacrifice my firstborn to him to get a better grade. Anyway, I already promised my firstborn to a witch to pay off my student loans.”
“Yeah I forgot to take a towel or anything to the showers so I had to cast a glamour over myself and walk back ass-naked to my room.” “Don’t you have a robe?” “I mean. They don’t really make bathrobes that work when you have wings.” “Oh, that sucks.”
“I almost got an A. It was the fucking question about flight magic vs. levitation magic that got me.”
“There’s this one guy in my Divination 100 class who keeps derailing every class arguing with the professor about predestination...” “Lemme guess, an Arcane Languages major?” “I think he’s like double majoring in Cursebreaking and Arcane Engineering.” “Oof, even worse.”
“Ha, my professor spent like 20 minutes ranting about how shit the Dark Lord’s foreign policy is this morning.”
“We’re going into town, want to come with?” “Nah, I’m taking a nap. Still gotta work on stuff for Dreamwalking Club, and I haven’t got a lot of sleep lately.” “Aw. Ok.”
“So, yeah, I cast a purifying spell on the dining hall chicken nuggets and they just straight up vaporized into dust, so, no.”
“My parents are all like, go into something useful like Cursebreaking or some bullshit like that, blah blah blah...”
“So like, my roommate like bailed at the last second or something, right? And I got stuck with a rando and she’s a vampire and so she’s like, completely nocturnal and it’s driving me crazy because I can’t sleep when she’s up banging around heating up her blood bags in the microwave or whatever...”
“Fuck, I still haven’t got the chicken blood for the ritual due tomorrow. Shit.”
“I’m so tired, I think my soul is too thin to even be worth selling to pay off my student loans.”
“Fuck this shit. I’m going back to my room and making garlic bread.” “But...You’re a vampire...” “It’s finals week, do I look like I care?”
(inspired mostly by conversations with @awhellstothejoe, lol)
I love all of this
“Don’t mind me just forgot my sunglasses, it’s bright outside”
“Huh yeah, unlike your future”
"Walking over the treasure is different than knowing where the X is"
-ancient proverb about finding the clit
Sister’s friend: I told you that I accidentally did a five minute cannibal speech in English class, right
Sister: That was NOT accidental
"I've created my kid's personality. Every day, he wears crocs, aviators, and a tank top. Even when its negative 20 degrees outside. "Dad, I'm cold" put on another tank top. Street smarts."
T: hang on, guess my middle name. It starts with F.
M, without missing a beat: Froyo
"I want a fuckboy dog. You know, tongue out, a little squinty. I'll call him Matthew."
"My girlfriend asked me if I wanted to try anal. I was like, I appreciate you asking me hun, but I'm a fucking hairy beast. Once you see that, you'll never again be able to close your eyes in peace."
"The way I see it, you're either an orchid or a dandelion. You, though, Amanda, you might be...a dorchid."
"I was laying on my bed, dying, screaming 'get me a motherfucking BIG MAAAAAAC', as you do,,,"
Me: god, you're making my head hurt
Friend: it's just cause you're using muscles you're not used to using
Friend: *discussing clocks* I've got a black hand
Me: oh you're Dark Brotherhood? What finger are you
Friend: *flips me off* that one
"They asked me if I own any stock, I'm like, I have $10 and really want Taco Bell, so make of that what you will."
