My Abusive Parents and Me

Things that made me question my self, my worth, and my existence. Things that make me strong in my recovery.

[verduren]

What They Don’t Tell You

•Even after you cut someone toxic/abusive out of your life, they drain you

•They get to walk away and pretend like it didn’t happen, while you’re left to pick up the pieces

•Sometimes they’ll play victim, try to garner all the sympathy and attention even though you know they have no right

•Sometimes they’ll take a fake high road, accuse you of lying and say they did nothing wrong, that you hurt them, and pretend that they’re better

•Some won’t take no for an answer

•They’ll do anything to put the blame on you. To make you seem like the villain or the monster

•Most will hurt someone again. And the hardest part is accepting that it won’t be your fault

•You’ll feel a void in your life where they were. You might miss them. That’s normal.

•You have to relearn so many things. What actual healthy love/friendships/relationships are

•You need to learn to trust again, to see the world as more then its darkness

•You’ll think you’re faking it sometimes. Even if others believe you, the what if will always creep up

•You need support. No one can do this alone

•Healing isn’t linear. It has its ups and its downs. Some vary day to day

•Just because you have a bad day doesn’t mean you’re regressing

•Everyone heals differently, but there will always be a scar

•Somethings may never be the same for you, somethings will trigger you. And that’s ok

•Nothing you did caused this. You didn’t deserve it. You didn’t do anything. THEY chose to hurt YOU.

•Some abusers might have loved you, and it’s hard to accept that. Remember that this is toxic, unhealthy love

•You don’t have to forgive them. But you also don’t have to never forgive. Whatever helps you heal is what you need to do

•You may lose more people then just the one. Whether it’s people who support them, won’t support you, people you now see differently, etc. That’s ok

•You get to choose whose in your life

[trustissued]

My heart will always be soft. I will never stop looking for the good and love in everything. You can’t take that away from me.

[positivedoodles]

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[Drawing of a blue cup of coffee on a black background with a caption that says “Just because you didn’t get the help you needed doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve it. You are, always have been, and always will be worthy of help.”]

[nalsaghyir-deactivated20201209]

APOLOGY ACCEPTED TRUST DECLINED

[funni-bunni]

[wholesomethemedmemes]

[officialaudreykitching-deactiva]

‪Constantly analyze yourself. Figure out why certain things upset you. Question your own motives. Understand your behavior. This creates a pathway for change. Acknowledging why you do the things you do is the first step in shifting out of toxic patterns.‬

[goth-aunt]

Anyways no weapon forged against me shall prosper and any evil wished upon me shall be reflected back to you tenfold, so jot that down.

[omyt]

Many abused children cling to the hope that growing up will bring escape and freedom. But the personality formed in the environment of coercive control is not well adapted to adult life. The survivor is left with fundamental problems in basic trust, autonomy, and initiative. She approaches the task of early adulthood――establishing independence and intimacy――burdened by major impairments in self-care, in cognition and in memory, in identity, and in the capacity to form stable relationships. She is still a prisoner of her childhood; attempting to create a new life, she reencounters the trauma.

Judith Lewis Herman, Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence - From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror (via omyt)

[sensitivesuggestion]

types of healthy coping skills

1. self-soothing

comforting yourself through the 5 senses

Touch: stuffed animals, stress balls, taking a bath, a soft blanket

Hear: music, audio book, guided relaxation

See: snow globe, glitter, calming images, art, anything that pleases you visually 

Taste: tea, mints, gum

Smell: lotion, candles, incense 

2. distraction

removing your focus from the stressor for a period of time

puzzles, art, crafting, reading, movies, gaming, exercise, being social

3. opposite action

doing the opposite of the impulse that aligns with a positive emotion

affirmations, inspiration, lighthearted and encouraging focus

4. emotional awareness

identifying and constructively expressing what you’re feeling

journaling, listing emotions, using a emotional identification chart, drawing, therapy

5. mindfulness

centering and anchoring yourself to the present moment

meditation, guided relaxation, yoga, breathing exercises, candle gazing, going for a walk

6. ask for help

this is important to do when you feel like your coping skills are not enough or they are too negative and detrimental  

therapy is ideal for helping a person create a healthy coping strategy and incorporate it into their life 

*a coping skill is considered healthy if it helps you to deal with stress more positively, does not hinder your progress, and isn’t harmful physically or mentally. A coping skill can become negative when it is used to completely avoid dealing with the stressor. 

[xekstrin]

#1 tactic emotional abusers will use to get you to comply to their wishes is threatening suicide or self harm, don’t fall for it

If you notice whenever you get real with a person who is treating you like shit, and they immediately shrivel up into this pathetic ball of self loathing so that somehow you’re the one comforting them, they are an emotional abuser.

don’t fall for it

[mephistephanies]

“Oh, I’m such a terrible parent”

“I’m such a piece of shit under your heel”

“I can’t do anything right, you should have gone to live with your father”

[beingchildfree]

Abusive parents who “just did the best” they “could” are still abusive parents.

[beingchildfree]

Abusive parents who “just made ‘some’ mistakes” are still abusive parents.

[oaluz]

long term effects of emotional abuse:

a distrust in your perceptions 

a tendency to be fearful or on guard

self-consciousness or fear of how you are coming across

an inability to be spontaneous

a distrust of people and in future relationships

anger that bursts out unexpectedly

sensitivity to anyone trying to control you

[fullten-deactivated20240430]

Is it possible to pick up abusive tactics from your abuser? Like I know when I was in an abusive relationship I got hyper critical of them toward the end cause I got so tired of the abuse. I never did that to anyone else but I'm scared I'm abusive.

You make the conscience decision to stop, basically. I was raised by abusive people and yes, I used their abusive tactics against them at times for my own defense, but you will always know how, and that you have the ability to be abusive, and therefore you have to always make the conscience decision to just like… be a good fucking person, and not turn into your abusers. 

[apersnicketylemon]

Abusive parents can say “I love you”

Abusive parents can give their kids an allowance, gifts, toys and nice things sometimes.

Abusive parents can seem like parent of the year to outsiders.

Abusive parents can defend their children from outside threats and get them in all the best schools and programs and deal with school bullies.

Abusive parents are still abusive, regardless of the things they get right or the nice things they sometimes do.

[creativeandcoolusername-deactiv]

whoever wrote this evidently had an idyllic, sheltered, childhood…

[apersnicketylemon]

The person who wrote this had dishes thrown at them by the same person who said ‘I love you’ and tucked them into bed sometimes.

The person who wrote this would be severely punished and hit for being home even one minute late by the same person who threatened to call the cops on the two girls who bullied them relentlessly.

The person who wrote this was told over an over again by everyone that their mother was ‘incredible’ and ‘awesome’ by every one of their friends growing up despite being denied food to eat.

The person who wrote this got presents on their birthday and on holidays and had an allowance and was threatened with have everything they owned destroyed or have their pets killed on a regular basis by a parent.

The person who wrote this was called ‘stupid’, ‘retarded’, and ‘a useless idiot’ every time they couldn’t understand something by the same person who said they were ‘very smart’ and ‘had potential’.

The person who wrote this did not have an idyllic, sheltered childhood and spent years questioning if having dishes thrown at their head was actually abusive because that same person said ‘I love you’.

The person who wrote this is pretty pissed off that you would tell an abuse survivor that they had an idyllic childhood and assume there was no abuse just because the abuser was really good at making them question whether they were really abused or not, or that somehow saying ‘I love you’ made the abuse go away.

The person who wrote this literally has a personality disorder as a direct result of their parent who sometimes said I love you and got their bully’s in middle school dealt with abusing them.

But you’re right. How dare I point out that this is something ACTUAL abusers have ACTUALLY done.

[antihoneymoonhotel]

Take it from me - this shit can continue well past childhood and adolescence.

[officialaudreykitching-deactiva]

Apologies are lovely when they happen, but don’t expect or wish for them. They change nothing. They do not reverse actions or correct damage. Actions and vibrations speak much louder than words. Forgive yourself for not knowing better, and let it go.

[apersnicketylemon]

Abusive parents can say “I love you”

Abusive parents can give their kids an allowance, gifts, toys and nice things sometimes.

Abusive parents can seem like parent of the year to outsiders.

Abusive parents can defend their children from outside threats and get them in all the best schools and programs and deal with school bullies.

Abusive parents are still abusive, regardless of the things they get right or the nice things they sometimes do.

[creativeandcoolusername-deactiv]

whoever wrote this evidently had an idyllic, sheltered, childhood…

[apersnicketylemon]

The person who wrote this had dishes thrown at them by the same person who said ‘I love you’ and tucked them into bed sometimes.

The person who wrote this would be severely punished and hit for being home even one minute late by the same person who threatened to call the cops on the two girls who bullied them relentlessly.

The person who wrote this was told over an over again by everyone that their mother was ‘incredible’ and ‘awesome’ by every one of their friends growing up despite being denied food to eat.

The person who wrote this got presents on their birthday and on holidays and had an allowance and was threatened with have everything they owned destroyed or have their pets killed on a regular basis by a parent.

The person who wrote this was called ‘stupid’, ‘retarded’, and ‘a useless idiot’ every time they couldn’t understand something by the same person who said they were ‘very smart’ and ‘had potential’.

The person who wrote this did not have an idyllic, sheltered childhood and spent years questioning if having dishes thrown at their head was actually abusive because that same person said ‘I love you’.

The person who wrote this is pretty pissed off that you would tell an abuse survivor that they had an idyllic childhood and assume there was no abuse just because the abuser was really good at making them question whether they were really abused or not, or that somehow saying ‘I love you’ made the abuse go away.

The person who wrote this literally has a personality disorder as a direct result of their parent who sometimes said I love you and got their bully’s in middle school dealt with abusing them.

But you’re right. How dare I point out that this is something ACTUAL abusers have ACTUALLY done.