Shit Scarier Than Sharks

Sharks get such a bad rep, but they're seriously the least of your worries. Seriously.

[shitscarierthansharks]

Black Friday

tNow, I want it to be said here and now :

I fucking hate Black Friday.

There, I said it.

I’ll even say it again.

Fuck Black Friday.

The statement “Black Friday” is associated with so many terrible events in contemporary global history, but I’m going to focus on the one that comes every year and makes all Americans groan.

For those of you who’ve been living under a rock for much of your life, Black Friday is the declared day of retail Hell in America (and other countries) after Thanksgiving, supposedly dubbed so because of one of two legends. It is said that managers, owners, and operators frequently called the day after Thanksgiving “Black Friday” because of excessive call outs from staff. It is also said that this day is called “Black Friday” due to the thought that this is the the day of the retail calendar when business books get “into the black” (meaning they are consistently profitable for the first time in the year).

Either of these tales fail to conjure up the true image that the name “Black Friday” instills in me.

Yeah. That’s more in keeping with how I think of Black Friday, and how most of you should. It is seriously the shittiest thing ever. Massive “door buster” sales drive customers into a feeding frenzy while employees continually complain about things that could easily be considered workers rights violations (like excessive hours, threats of termination, etc.).

Ironically, when I think of Black Fridays, I actually picture a feeding frenzy like we normally associate with sharks.

This is because, since 2006, there have been 7 deaths and 98 reported injuries in the United States alone. I’m going to repeat that, because it bears repeating under a different light to really put the risk into context.

Black Friday has killed 7 people in 6 individual days and injured 98.

Can I bring up against that sharks kill on average 10 to 12 people in an average year, meaning an average of 0.0329 people a day in an average year?

Yeah. That is a huge variance.

Why? Well, it’s a combination of a few factors, including crowd dynamics (which is a surprisingly complex symphony of physics and psychological factors marrying together when people get in large groups - a fascinating field of study), but most of it boils down to the fact that we are truly shitty creatures hungry for the deals.

I could be a shittier human being and link you to pics or videos of Black Friday madness, but that would be dignifying the practice and disrespecting the victims.

Now, I know what you’re thinking; you get what happens when you engage in that practice. It’s pretty easy to feel that someone gets what is coming to them if they fight over a stupid toy or television. However, this is the sort of logic that excuses the violence.

It is also insanely flawed logic, as some of the victims are employees of retails with no other choice than to work In 2008, a Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death by eager shoppers when the doors were opened. The crowd knocked the 34 year old man down and proceeded to walk, run, and shove right over him. Shocked employees were forced to watch as their coworker perished as they attempted to reach him and offer assistance. Shoppers refused to relent in the rush, claiming that they already waited too long in the cold. When police and EMTs arrived, they too had to fight the crowd to reach the victim.

I know this is a super buzzkill, isn’t it?

So, do the right thing; stay safe and stay home. Or, better yet, go visit some sharks at your local zoo, aquarium, or reef (if you’re lucky enough to live where you can dive!).

You’re much safer with the sharks than you are the shoppers today!

[shitscarierthansharks]

I wrote this blog post in the summer, but I'm actually seeing reports that there has been a shooting resulting in a fatality at a New Jersey mall. I cannot currently confirm this, but I am asking everyone out there to be cautious and keep a cool head. No doorbuster deal is worth a life.

🙁

[shitscarierthansharks]

Black Friday

tNow, I want it to be said here and now :

I fucking hate Black Friday.

There, I said it.

I’ll even say it again.

Fuck Black Friday.

The statement “Black Friday” is associated with so many terrible events in contemporary global history, but I’m going to focus on the one that comes every year and makes all Americans groan.

For those of you who’ve been living under a rock for much of your life, Black Friday is the declared day of retail Hell in America (and other countries) after Thanksgiving, supposedly dubbed so because of one of two legends. It is said that managers, owners, and operators frequently called the day after Thanksgiving “Black Friday” because of excessive call outs from staff. It is also said that this day is called “Black Friday” due to the thought that this is the the day of the retail calendar when business books get “into the black” (meaning they are consistently profitable for the first time in the year).

Either of these tales fail to conjure up the true image that the name “Black Friday” instills in me.

Yeah. That’s more in keeping with how I think of Black Friday, and how most of you should. It is seriously the shittiest thing ever. Massive “door buster” sales drive customers into a feeding frenzy while employees continually complain about things that could easily be considered workers rights violations (like excessive hours, threats of termination, etc.).

Ironically, when I think of Black Fridays, I actually picture a feeding frenzy like we normally associate with sharks.

This is because, since 2006, there have been 7 deaths and 98 reported injuries in the United States alone. I’m going to repeat that, because it bears repeating under a different light to really put the risk into context.

Black Friday has killed 7 people in 6 individual days and injured 98.

Can I bring up against that sharks kill on average 10 to 12 people in an average year, meaning an average of 0.0329 people a day in an average year?

Yeah. That is a huge variance.

Why? Well, it’s a combination of a few factors, including crowd dynamics (which is a surprisingly complex symphony of physics and psychological factors marrying together when people get in large groups - a fascinating field of study), but most of it boils down to the fact that we are truly shitty creatures hungry for the deals.

I could be a shittier human being and link you to pics or videos of Black Friday madness, but that would be dignifying the practice and disrespecting the victims.

Now, I know what you’re thinking; you get what happens when you engage in that practice. It’s pretty easy to feel that someone gets what is coming to them if they fight over a stupid toy or television. However, this is the sort of logic that excuses the violence.

It is also insanely flawed logic, as some of the victims are employees of retails with no other choice than to work In 2008, a Wal-Mart employee was trampled to death by eager shoppers when the doors were opened. The crowd knocked the 34 year old man down and proceeded to walk, run, and shove right over him. Shocked employees were forced to watch as their coworker perished as they attempted to reach him and offer assistance. Shoppers refused to relent in the rush, claiming that they already waited too long in the cold. When police and EMTs arrived, they too had to fight the crowd to reach the victim.

I know this is a super buzzkill, isn’t it?

So, do the right thing; stay safe and stay home. Or, better yet, go visit some sharks at your local zoo, aquarium, or reef (if you’re lucky enough to live where you can dive!).

You’re much safer with the sharks than you are the shoppers today!

[shitscarierthansharks]

Food, or lack thereof.

Many of us live a charmed life.

I know what you’re thinking. :You’re so full of it. I’ve got bills stacked up, student loan debt, health issues, a work crisis, and so much more. You have no idea what my life is like!”

You’re right; I have no idea what your life is like.

I do know that the lives of millions of people in the world are affected by an insidious evil that many of us have no concept about; food insecurity and starvation.

I’m going to stray from what has been my normal mode of posting something serious with ludicrous gifs to underscore the point. I like to joke, but this isn’t exactly a laughing matter. Every year, over 3 million children under the age of 5 die due to starvation and malnutrition according to the World Food Programme (https://www.wfp.org/hunger/stats)

That makes sharks look like puppies.

I’d like to issue a challenge. I’d like to one day see sharks be scarier than food insecurity, poor nutrition, malnutrition, and starvation. Yes. You read that right. I want to see sharks be the scarier thing in this instance.

So, let’s all band together and see if we can’t make a dent in the fight against food insecurity. Let’s donate to local food pantries. Let’s help fund research into advanced farming and GMO crops to let people in famine ridden areas feed themselves. Let’s find ways to make solar powered irrigation a thing. Let’s cut down on food waste, especially due to a bullshit food grading system. Let’s find ways to actually end hunger.

[everlarkdandelions]

Sharks get a bad rap for being dangerous predators that are constantly devouring humans, but there is a whole world of things out there that will kill before a shark does. Here are just a few of those things.

[pmmmprincess]

WHO THE FUCK GETS KILLED BY A FUCKING VENDING MACHINE 

[lenappendserious-deactivated201]

[terrible-tentacle-theatre]

Sharks kill 1/90 as many people world-wide as many Americans die from falling out of their fucking beds. Let that sink in.

Sharks are not vicious maneaters, please kill this idea ASAP.

[shitscarierthansharks]

BEES!

If you weren’t scared of bees already, I’d like to point out that bees kill over 100 people every year in the U.S. alone. That’s ten time as many people as sharks kill!

Okay, but, in all seriousness, while bees can cause serious allergy reactions in some humans (like me) or potentially fatal reactions in others (like in My Girl..... still too soon, amiright?), bees actually need our protection. Bees are crucial pollinators that serve such a valuable purpose to agriculture that they should get a little hand from their human friends by planting bee friendly gardens, creating bee houses for species that do not live in hives, and avoiding pesticides that are dangerous to bees.

Besides, how could you not love something that produces honey and looks utterly adorable? I mean just look at them! They need help!

[shitscarierthansharks]

A bit of the bubbly!

Celebrating can be dangerous, especially when you get alcohol involved. It’s just...... 24 deaths occur every year on average due to an entirely unexpected consequence of alcohol.

The next time you pop open the bubbly, beware! Champagne corks kill twice as many people as sharks do every year!

[shitscarierthansharks]

Football! The American kind.

So, when I was in high school, I hated football. Why? Because I was a nerdy chick and media that catered to nerdy girls all basically told me that football was evil and all football players were giant jerks.

When I got a little older, I learned to LOVE American football. Why? The tackles. Nothing pleased me more than watching tackles. It was a giddy, delirious and forbidden thrill through which I could understand the appeal of gladiatorial combat.

I was indeed entertained.

Now that I older, I know better. American football is a deadly, deadly thing...... kind of like the gladiatorial combat I mentioned. Every year, at least 12 high school or college students are killed by American style football..... especially by those tackles I so adored and cheered for. That means that a single sport kills as many people in one country as sharks do in the entire world in a year.

Oh, damn. Now, I feel shitty. Do you feel as shitty as I do?

Let’s just watch a Puppy Bowl highlight together.

[shitscarierthansharks]

That’s just nuts........ get it? Because this post is about coconuts......

Yeah....... I’ll stop with the pun.

Because, this is serious.

Coconuts. Yes, coconuts. Coconuts kill about 150 people every year. How? They fall. Falling coconuts.

You’re still laughing at the gif, aren’t you? (I am, too).

But, just in case you didn’t believe me, check out this sign I spotted at the Original Mrs. Mac’s Kitchen in Key Largo :

This means that that thing everyone is obsessed with (coconut water, coconut milk, cream of coconut, coconut creamer, coconut sweet and condensed milk, coconut flour, coconut sugar, it just goes on and on!) kills almost 10x as many people every year as sharks!

[shitscarierthansharks]

Your mother always told you to bring a jacket.

So, I’m just going to come out and say it : I hate the cold. The winter makes me feel like that scene from the end of The Shining. Yeah, the scene below, which was made somehow more macabre by adding animated sparkles.

So, if this post sounds biased....... it is.

And, it should be. Every year, cold weather claims the lives of 600 people in the U.S. through various nefarious means. That’s almost 60 times the people killed by sharks.

Okay, so, wanna hear the absolute worst part about the cold?

We are dumb.

Yes, we are dumb animals. See, during the late stages of hypothermia, people engage in a strange behavior called terminal burrowing. That’s when you attempt to burrow under things or bury yourself out of instinct - possibly in a desperate bid to get warm by any means possible. It’s super bad, because terminal burrowing often makes you much more difficult for rescuers to locate.

At least a shark leaves you where you can be found easily after a little nibble.

Do you know what? I vote we all stay safe by migrating to somewhere warm and sunny. I’m thinking about moving to Hawaii...... just to be safe.

[shitscarierthansharks]

Icicles have been known to kill people

We have a really, really inapprops joke in my family.

“Icicles have been known to kill people.”

It’s a quote from A Christmas Story, that adorable 1983 movie about little Ralphie on his quest for a Red Rider BB gun. My parents and uncles are obsessed with that movie. Probably because it came out after my brother was born but before I was..... setting the stage for how every Christmas would be spent after that. Good timing.

Yup, that’s the movie.

Time after time, little Ralphie is told he shouldn’t ask for a bb gun, because he’ll....

When he finally gets his beloved Red Rider BB gun, Ralphie predictably shoots his eye out. Of course, he does. It’s a 1980s comedy; what did you expect? However, Ralphie can’t tell anyone he shot his eye out. Instead, he concocts a whopper of a story about an icicle falling from the roof and striking him.

His mom eats the icicle story up, adding, “Icicles have been known to kill people.”

Well, they have. In fact, it has often been cited that icicles kill dozens of Russians each year, with five people killed and hundreds injured after one storm in 2010. (http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/russia/7512865/Falling-icicles-kill-record-numbers-in-St-Petersburg.html)

Waaaaay more than sharks each year, in Russia alone!

Kind of makes you think twice before trying to snap that awesome winter-Instagram photo.

[shitscarierthansharks]

Hungry, Hungry Hippos

The 1980s were a delightfully awkward time to be a child. I look back at some of the toys we played with and the games we fought over with my shrewd adult eyes and ask myself....

“What the actual fuck was going on?”

Case in point : Hungry, Hungry Hippos.

Yes, for a brief time in my life, this game was the shit. It was so my thing that I would play when no one else would play with me. I would attempt to play two hippos with each hand (did not work well) or one with each appendage (also did not work well). I was obsessed.

I look back on those days and scratch my head.

No, not because I tried to figure out how to play all the hippos at once. I was very close.

I look back and wonder because hippos are savage.

Yes, this adorable little blob will one day become a malevolent, sentient monster truck of rage.

Look at how fast and angry. Hippos actually kill over 3000 people a year - about 300X the amount of people killed by sharks every year.

I look back and marvel that the good people of Milton Bradley thought these were precisely the animal for children’s games. I tried to research who exactly came up with the concept, but, instead, I managed to find that the hippos have names!

The original, red based game featured Lizzie Hippo (purple), Henry Hippo (sometimes seen as a blue hippo, but usually orange), Homer Hippo (green), and Harry Hippo (yellow). The newer North American version with the blue base featured Sweetie Potamus (blue), Veggie Potamus (green), Picky Potamus (orange), and - my personal fav - Bottomless Potamus (yellow).

Maybe sharks need their own, family friendly game with adorable names?

[shitscarierthansharks]

Silent but deadly

Oh, my gosh! That is perhaps the CUTEST gif relating to farts and gas emission ever.

But, sadly, that is not the silent but deadly I’m talking about. I’m talking about Carbon monoxide. Carbon monoxide is odorless and tasteless. It is the product of incomplete combustion, very often produced by motorized vehicles, gas grills, tools, heaters, cooking equipment, and boilers.

A mild brush with carbon monoxide can cause lightheadedness, disorientation, headache, and flu-like symptoms. Long term exposure can cause memory loss, confusion, and depression. But, by far the worst consequences occur during when CO binds with hemoglobin and prevents blood from carrying oxygen to the body.

From 1999 to 2010, over 5000 people have died from carbon monoxide poisoning. That’s waaaay more people killed by a humble gas molecule than sharks. And, even wilder, that is the number of unintentional deaths. Many, many people chose to use carbon monoxide as a means of suicide every year that are not included in this number.

And, yet, surprisingly, it is very easy to stay safe from carbon monoxide! You can get a CO detector from your local hardware or big box home goods store (translation : Target or WalMart). Install your CO detector according to manufacturer’s instructions, particularly paying attention to having one near the bedrooms or sleeping areas. Oh, and by the by, you don’t have to get up on a dangerous ladder to install, as they do not need to be placed near ceiling level. Check the batteries regularly and always evacuate/ ventilate as soon as your CO detector goes off. If you are experiencing any symptoms, call 911 from a neighbor’s house. If no one is experiencing symptoms of CO poisoning, get out and call your fire department or a qualified technician.

No matter what, get out! Get out! Get out! Get out! Get outside into the fresh air and away from any potential CO. Never ignore an alarm!

Don’t wait to selfie or face-time. But, please, if this blog post ever saves your life, do your best after the crisis has been averted and you’re safe to reenact this famous Monty Python scene. Bonus points if you can convince your local fire brigade to play along as well.

Kiddie brand (as in the people who make fire extinguishers, smoke detectors, and CO detectors) has more info on their website. http://www.kidde.com/home-safety/en/us/co-safety/carbon-monoxide-alarm-faqs/

[shitscarierthansharks]

Your car

So, you’ve got a hot car. It’s a pretty sweet ride. It’s slicker than snot.

And, no, I will not say it’s “Greased Lightning.”

DAMNIT! NOW THAT SONG IS STUCK IN MY HEAD AND WILL BE FOR THE NEXT SIX HOURS.

ARGH!

Okay..... back to the sharks. Maybe I can shark fact my way out of having that awful song stuck in my head.

So, getting back to your hot car. You’re car isn’t just hot in the figurative sense; it’s hot in the literal sense, too.

This gif about is not a joke. That’s Arizona Cardinals defensive back Tyrann “Honeybadger” Mathieu in a car to demonstrate just how hot a car can get in the sun. Spoiler alert : it’s fucking hot.

It is so hot that Mathieu, an athlete in great shape, could only last 8 minutes. An athlete that hails from Arizona. Yeah. The car reaches temperatures of 120 degrees quickly. Mathieu did the stunt to demonstrate the effects of hot cars on pets left inside with the windows closed. You can read about it and check out the video here : http://ftw.usatoday.com/2015/07/tyrann-mathieu-locked-himself-in-a-hot-car-for-peta

Even sadder than the fact that countless pets suffer heat related injuries and death every year in hot cars, is the fact that an average of 37 deaths occur annually due to heat inside the passenger cabin of cars. That’s over three times the average deaths caused by sharks every year.

Even more sadder; the vast majority of these deaths are small children.

Oh, gosh! The eyebrows make it even sadder to think about the hidden danger!

...... I hate to make it worse, but can I? The worst, most ironic part of it is that deaths of small children due to the heat in cars increased in the early 1990s when it was discovered that children who cannot properly buckle a safety belt across their chest should never be in the front seat. By moving the kids to the back seat, we have made them far safer in a collision, but have also made it far easier to forget them. 

Okay, guys, I’m going to take a moment to be serious here. It’s really fucking hot outside. Please, please, please, keep your children safe. There are some really simple, easy ways to keep everyone safe from overheating in cars.

Always lock the car when you are not in it to prevent children from getting inside and accidentally locking themselves in.

Put your cellphone, bag, wallet, or other important item you can’t function without in the back. You won’t have to worry about forgetting the child if you have other things there to remember, too.

Another really smart trick is to keep a stuffed animal in the car seat. Whenever you bring your child for a ride, put the animal up front for a ride and the child in the seat. If you see the animal when you get out, it will be a reminder that someone else is in the back.

I know, I’m a buzzkill, but four children have died in recent times from overheating in cars. You can read more about it as well as tips from the source (http://www.foxnews.com/health/2016/07/26/recent-deaths-kids-in-hot-cars-prompt-pleas-to-parents.html)

[shitscarierthansharks]

My Little Pony!

Picture a horse. Majestic. Aloof. Graceful.

Just look at that shit. Graceful and awe inspiring as fuck.

It’s nature got its shit together to make the most incredibly athletic and slick animal that would also be completely down to chill with man (as long as we’re not total dickbags to them)

I mean, look. Just look!

 Okay, yeah, this is more in keeping with the horses I have known. The epitome of class and breeding one minute....... and a perfect example of utter nonsense on legs the next.

I once knew a mare that consistently tripped over her own feet. Her own feet! Like she forgot they were there. To make matters worse, it was her front feet. She would trip and roll completely ass over head. This was not a once in a while thing. We’re talking once every few months, she would just totally trip over her fore end. The vet looked into her repeatedly (and, of course, she would be picture perfect when he visited). The farrier would have us endlessly work her every visit (no luck repeating the issue either for him). The owner/trainer tried different training techniques, boots, guards, everything. Still, without fail, she would just canter herself right aboard the fail boat every now and again.

Most people who don’t work around horses don’t picture the absolute goofballs and losers horses can occasionally be. Just look at this goofy pants wandering into a hotel like it’s people!

Between gorgeous and silly, you don’t exactly picture a murderer, do you?

Well, that’s because more equestrian deaths are accidents. In fact, one sport, three day eventing was written up as the “Most Dangerous Olympic Sport” by Time magazine (http://olympics.time.com/2012/07/28/equestrian-eventing-the-olympics-most-dangerous-sport/). In a year and a half period, 12 people died just performing in three day eventing (as opposed to all other equine ways to die). In an average year, 12 people are killed by sharks WORLD WIDE (doing everything from fishing, to surfing, to swimming, and all other ocean-based activities).

[shitscarierthansharks]

Cow cows!

I want you to know, when I wrote this, I hated myself a little bit.

See, I love cows. They’re just so cute! In fact, I just love anything cow spotted. It makes it somehow impossibly more precious to me if something is cow patterned.

How could you NOT love something like that?!?!?!?! Even a cat appears to be grudgingly accepting of cow’s love in return!

But, there is a dark side to cows. A dark side even darker than sharks.

Between 2003 and 2007, 108 people died as due to cattle (cows) as either a primary or secondary cause in the production of crops and animals. Yes, cows, those beloved adorable animals which I adore, killed 108 people (excluding deaths from automobile or four wheeler accidents involving cattle). One third of the deaths studied during this four year period involved specimens previously known to show aggression…. leaving two thirds of the deaths caused by cows we thought were our lovable, bovine friends.(http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/mm5829a2.htm)

That’s actually waaaaaaaay more deaths than sharks cause.

[shitscarierthansharks]

Medication Mix Ups.

Pills are great.

Well, let me rephrase that. Pills (tablets, capsules, etc.) and other oral dosage medications are great when prescribed and taken correctly. The tablet and capsule format of medications has made it possible for many ailments and issues to be easily managed at home by the afflicted, and we generally take this for granted.

Think about it. Without the (generally) single serve oral dosages we call pills, you wouldn’t be certain what doses you’d be getting of the medication you needed.

But, there’s a dark side.

...... and, no, I’m not talking about this depressing as sin nightmare fodder.

I’m actually talking about medication mix-ups.

This can occur on a few levels and can cause everything from no effect (meaning you’re not getting the benefit of the medication you NEED) to severe drug interactions, to allergic reactions, to overdose, to death.

Yeah. Death.

That shit we pin on sharks.

Here me out.

One of the first levels of issue can occur when the prescription. Let’s not discuss the whole “doctors are just Big Pharma shills” (because that’s a load of bs). No, but, doctors write a ton. Anyone who writes all the time might notice a deterioration in their handwriting. Occasionally, a prescription comes out looking like pure gibberish that requires assistance from Elrond, a particular moon phase, a magical incantation, and an understanding of complex calculus to decode.

The next issue can come with the various names of medications that all look and sound alike (meaning a call to confirm the medication can still lead to a mix-up). Consumer Safety even lists commonly mixed up names just in case. (http://www.consumermedsafety.org/tools-and-resources/medication-safety-tools-and-resources/know-your-medicine/list-of-confused-drug-names)

Then, there are so many medications that look a heck of a lot alike. Google “Pill Identification” and you’d be surprised how many websites will identify a pill for you. Why? Because so many look alike and so few specify on them what they are. To pharmaceutical manufacturers’ defense, it’s not like you can fit some medication names on a tiny pill. So, even if everything else is correct, a mislabeled or improperly filled container can cause even an otherwise excellent and attentive pharmacist to fill a prescription incorrectly.

YET WE TRUST THEM. SERIOUSLY. We trust pharmacists incredibly (and with good reason). Your pharmacist is your last line of defense against drug interactions and allergies that one doctor might not be aware of while prescribing. Let’s say you see a GP, an ENT, and OBGYN - that’s three people who might not realize that one of the others has prescribed something that will cause an adverse reaction with a medication he or she prescribes.

So, bottom line, your pharmacist could totally accidentally kill you, but we still love them way more than sharks, who have far less opportunity.

[shitscarierthansharks]

Buckets

I don’t know why I used this gif. It’s hypnotic.

Anyhoo, buckets pose a serious risk to small children. If you look, Home Depot and most manufacturers of large buckets puts scary little warning labels on it to not leave buckets unattended with children. That’s because drowning if the leading cause of unintentional death of children ages 1 to 4 in the US - in even a small amount of liquid.

Buckets pose a special danger to toddlers, as they are top heavy and will fall face first into a tall bucket. They will be unable to get themselves out or right the bucket, making toddlers prone to drowning risk in even a tiny amount of liquid in a bucket.

Because that’s a really depressing and sobering thought, here is a bucket full of kittens.