I want us to start discussing the more difficult parts of synesthesia. I almost feel guilty for bringing up the negatives but I don’t want there to be misunderstanding of the condition where the hard parts get swept under the rug. I’d love to hear other’s thoughts on this.
I can only speak on my own experiences here so please bare with me and forgive me and tell me if I say something insensitive.
Synesthesia is not something that can be turned on and off. It’s not a choice. It’s more than just strong associations. These are senses/experiences that feel as strong and real as the other 5 senses So let’s face it, it can become incredibly overwhelming.
And after decades of having every single letter, number, word, note, song create vivid realistic images in my mind I start to wonder why we aren’t talking about that side of it more. The images aren’t always nice. When I listen to music, I have to decide if I’m up for the video in my head that’s going to come on, because it isn’t a choice. With music in particular, it causes me to feel and smell the experience as well as see images. And it’s usually the same video for the same song. I can’t just change it once I’ve heard it. In the same sense that the number 6 is light orange for me. It just is.
Some music I would otherwise like isn’t an option. Bands like the foo fighters create an unbearable tv style static in my head with so many of their songs that I have to leave the room when my partner turns them on. Sometimes I have to turn certain hozier songs off if I don’t feel like wandering through scarlet caves and drowning in a pool of blood while I scream and reach for light.
Some stuff, like numbers having colors, is generally fun unless I’m trying to explain why we can’t use certain numbers in designs because they have the wrong “tone”. These are symptoms I’ve had since I can remember. It’s like living in at least two worlds at all times. Sometimes many more. It’s jarring. There’s what’s going on in front of my eyes, and what’s going on my mind due to what my eyes and ears are processing. I’ve been working with my psychologist to try and get a handle on being able to ground myself, because that’s how overwhelming it can get. In fact synesthesia was getting so overwhelming that it’s the main reason I went back to therapy. I think having CPTSD and schizoaffective disorder exacerbates the issue.
All this being said, I wouldn’t change what I have. If synesthesia left me it would feel like i was mentally blind, and it would be awful because I don’t know life any other way. I just want to be more honest about it.
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