signed ca

substack.com/@signedca

[signedca]

hello

are you still here?

i’ve been waiting an eternity for you to come back home

- c.a.

[signedca]

maybe i’ll have to wait another lifetime for this one to make sense. part i

i keep going in circles with myself. again and again and again. wondering why this is happening to me. wishing i could go back all the way back and make different decisions.

i keep wishing for time machines and lucky pennies hoping something sticks. hoping something changes. hoping someone is listening. hoping everything changes. i keep beating myself up over decisions i made five years ago. wishing i could give myself peace but all i have left is hands tired of fighting an inner war. and maybe it’s about trusting you made the best decisions you could back then with the information you had. and maybe it’s about realizing this all happened for a reason. but why. maybe i’m being unfair to myself. to my younger self for wanting the best but never really knowing if they were going to find it. what i didn’t know is that five years later i was going to still be writing about it on the internet. instead of living the life i always dreamed of.

and maybe that’s the thing about dreams. they only live inside of you. and never really make it out. unless you’re lucky. unless you have a time machine or visit local psychic. i just keep asking myself is this really the best it’s going to get. is there really nothing after this that’ll make all of this make sense.

[signedca]

i ask the universe for signs like i am asking for the reassurance i never got in childhood

c.a.

[signedca]

i’ve reinvented myself more times than i’d like to admit

and even in the doing

and the undoing

of me

i find here

in the midst of another reinvention

i am that much closer

to the me

i once knew

- thirteenth century nervous breakdown

signed

c.a.

[signedca]

i finally have everything i’ve ever wanted

and it only took losing everything i once had

ca

[signedca]

and we both learned a lesson on assuming the worst and in the desert of your love i died of thirst

signed

ca

[signedca]

i placed pablo piccasso’s

to cover the holes you left on the walls

and convinced myself time and time

again it was my fault

c.a.

[signedca]

it all ends in tragedy

[signedca]

help me breathe

[signedca]

tell me something i haven’t heard before

because it seems like i’ve already heard it all

[signedca]

last time i was here i was lost

i am lost again

[signedca]

i’m here again and you aren’t

where do i go from here

[signedca]

every mountain

i’ve ever attempted to create

has fallen short

of everyone else’s

comparing canyons; christian del pino

more here

[signedca]

am i a failure?

am i a failure?

am i a failure?

am i a failure?

[signedca]

may this new year bring me everything the last few lacked—copious amounts of gratitude and the free-spirit i’ve been missing at each hallway bend.

as i welcome this new year i hope the art makes its way back into my eyes. i miss seeing life in so much rich colour.

i hope this new year gives you everything you’ve been hoping for.

[signedca]

how are you?

i’m missing my old life today. the life i spent creating in my childhood. the life i would stay up late wishing to be out of. maybe i just miss the simplicity in all of this. and maybe trying to write poetry is just becoming unbearable.

i’m here. living and breathing with you. can you feel me? pressed up against your skin? can you still hear me breathing in the middle of the night as i dream about running away?

i miss you. sometimes more than i can imagine and other times i just write my thoughts. in no particular order. just the same way the ocean waves kiss the sun drenched sand.

i miss the simplicity in life.

[signedca]

missing you so late at night