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One Nice Bug Per Day
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@sikndtired
I literally have not showered in the two weeks I’ve been off work (took a couple baths and brushed my hair once) and like I know I HAVE to before work but UGH just the thought is exhausting.
Also like I feel disgusting but I know it’s my ✨🌈mental illness 🌈✨
I can’t help like feeling I found the right person at the wrong time
I thought I needed to work on me but I miss feeling loved.
I just need someone and I don’t know what to do anymore.
tbh the worst thing about being a self aware mentally ill person is that people assume that because you understand your illness you’re automatically able to actually apply your knowledge to your life and cure yourself
Do I know my brain isn’t making the most sense right now? Yes. Can I stop it? No.
Me: I know what I should be doing but my brain has decided we’re not doing that
People: why are u so anxious
Me: I have anxiety
People: Now you know that you can get better
Me: knowing I have anxiety does not make me Less Anxious that is Not The Way Anxiety Works
People: Why are you doing that?
Me: I have OCD, so my brain spams me with terrifying thoughts until I do things to get rid of them. This is a compulsion.
People: So you know nothing bad will actually happen if you don’t do that! Why not just stop doing it?
Me: That is not how this works. That’s not how any mental illness works.
Me: *crying and hyperventilating over something objectively minor*
Someone: It’s not a big deal, why are you freaking out?
Me: *through sobs* I can’t… I can’t stop, I know it’s dumb… I know I shouldn’t be like this.
Them: Oh, well if you know that it’s dumb to freak out then why are you still freaking out?
Me: *sobbing harder because now I hate myself*
If you know your leg is broken you can’t magically walk on it like, knowing what’s wrong isn’t a cure ffs
here’s a self-care idea: lay on the floor. just lay on the goddamn floor, I don’t know. aim for the carpet, or maybe put a blanket down first. if you lay on your back you can look at the ceiling, if you lay on your stomach you can put your ear to the ground and listen to the building and your pulse, think about cleaning everything, then don’t do it. I don’t know. just lay on the floor for a while, see what happens
that mental illness feel where u get frustrated because u are unable to distinguish whether u are empty and void of all emotion, or if u are feeling so overwhelmed by ur emotions that u simply don’t know how to process it all at once
someone: how do you cope with your mental illness?
me:
me: well first i don't
i'm hotter than i think i am but i'm also uglier than i think i am. won't elaborate
Slept for less than 4h and now I can’t get back to sleep. I didn’t used to have a problem with my mind not shutting off but it’s just ruminating about what I should say in therapy this morning.
My stomach also aches but I think that’s the anxiety. Wtf is wrong with me lately??
I know only 14 of you follow me, THANK YOU!
Also just noticed asks weren’t on so feel free to ask your questions (can’t turn on anon from mobile so if you wanna be secret lemme kno)
All I do is drink and listen to machine gun Kelly.
Wtf am I supposed to tell my therapist tomorrow!???
I’m ducked beyond belief and I want my ex back. I miss f*cking. I miss being loved. But I met a nice (maybe guy online but he lives so far away (3000miles). And I don’t know him but uggghhhh I just wanna be loved
Sometimes I feel like I’m too fucked uo for this world.
I wonder what would happen if I just wrote a string of consciousness while drunk/high?
I drank and then took a all
Doses of my meds plus smokes some of a joint. I’ve decided that I won’t change selling errors that my phone doesn’t catch. Just for a full picture of my mind and hands like this. Like a social experiment on myself.
Sex drive by MGK is playing and I put it on repeat because I’m finding the sounds and vibrations from it to be soothing
I feel very Siloam to how I got when I did e with Russell and co. This float by u suede (unsure) feeling. (I stopped to correct that and forgot the flow of my sentence and what I was saying) Anyways sex drive is jusy so soothing the waves of it. And yea it feels like e because I’m happy and floaty without the effects of being a whore. I know I have enough reason in me not to go and strip and take baths and ley female friends get freaky. I still feel a bit bad about that.
I know I did weird things on e but unlike that I managed to re create the sensation like this these last two nights.
I’m turning to substances so much lately. Booze yes but also just throwing it all together these last two nights I don’t feel content without my dysfunctional cocktail: booze, meds, and pot
I’m worried I’m going to become an alcoholic/ addict. But also maybe I’d stop feeling so shitty if I could hide in it.
I know I can’t function in this state but I could do with this comatose disconnected feeling daily. Lock me up save me from myself throw away the key. At least I won’t have to think for myself
Fucking single. Why are men so dumb? Can’t he see I love him? Why does he have to be this way?
I just wanna starve till I puke so I don’t cut till I die.
Question for science: Is it possible to mentally WILL yourself into mania?
Like If I just think about it hard enough will it happen? It’s all in my head anyways
