ALPAS

silakbo (adj.) : tagalog word meaning emotional outbursts.

[silakbos]

WARMTH.

i enjoyed warmth. like, how my numbing lips touch the brim of my lukewarm coffee mug or how the warm water caresses my skin during cold mornings. i loved the feeling of being warmed up because i wasn't a big fan of cold days (it's an on and off with me).

my friends say i even exude warmth. my presence is warmth. my aura brings a home-y feeling that seems to warm up people's ice cold stormed up hearts.

but you were different.

i tried, i tried to make your heart melt. i blew into my hands, rubbed them together and i tried to touch your heart. but it didn't work.

i tried, i tried to make you feel my comfort. i wrapped my arms around your neck and tried to make you feel the heat that i exude. but, your ice cold heart underneath your icy skin was still solid.

i tried, i tried to make you feel my presence. i laughed and i tried to joke around with you. but, you were stiff and you emotions were numbing me day by day.

they said eventually i'd run out of warmth and i was wasting it on people like you. they told me i would get an icy burn and you would be able to extinguish the center of my flame with the constant flicks of cold.

but i didn't listen.

and i did. i did get burned. ironic isn't it. but that's the point, warmth is not enough to burn you, it's the feeling. i don't have the capacity to hurt people with my warmth but your demeaning cold aura did have that said capacity that i lacked.

and i did, i did get burned. your fingers lingered around my flames a little longer and they slowly diminished into thin air and i had no idea it was gone till i needed it.

till i needed my own warmth. till i needed to feel comfort from all the pain i caused myself to feel from trying to warm you up.

i guess i should've known.

i guess i should've known from the beginning when you held my hand looking for warmth, that i would eventually use it up on you.

i guess i should've known from the beginning when we laced our fingers together and yours were cold and mine were lukewarm. we clashed, our temperatures clashed.

i don't blame you, i don't blame you at all. because i pushed myself to give you this source of warmth that i thought i would never lose.

but now i'm lost and i'm cold, wrapped up in a blanket but the temperature is still relatively low. pressing my numbing hands together, oh boy, i should've known.

i never should've tried to warm up someone who sat on a throne made out of glass and a heart made out of stone.

[silakbos]

I DREW YOU

if i were an artist i’d paint a tree with empty branches, it would be a portrait of you, i would draw the arms that hold the lives of these artworks that poets would look up to the very hands that reach for the never ending sky & the very hands that would never interlock with mine.

[silakbos]

12:32am

I don't wanna go to sleep not knowing anything But I dont wanna go sleeping with my head full of nightmares disguised as dreams of your eyes and your laughs Darling, just let me sleep. I'm tired of loving you I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of endlessly adoring the distant golden stars in your eyes. Please, just let me sleep.

[silakbos]

VENN DIAGRAMS

when people talk about love, they compare and contrast "you take me to the moon" “i love you even more than anything” but maybe you're not like the others, maybe i can go on and on comparing you to things i have not seen, touched or discovered

but maybe just maybe i see you in the trees dancing while i ride my bus maybe i see you and i when someone says the word “us” maybe i see you in the little tiny doodles in my math notebook maybe i imagine you reading your newly bought book by the window.

maybe just maybe i see you in the twinkling eyes of my friends maybe i see you in a store freaking about all those new pens maybe i see you in the nerdy way hank green talks in that chemistry crash course video because he's already talking about something you probably already know

maybe i hear you in the words that surround me everyday maybe i hear you in every song thinking that's exactly what i would say to you maybe i hear you in the purr of my cats during the night maybe i hear you while i look at the darkness above in the starlight

yet i can go on and compare you to things i see everyday but nothing ever lasts in our lives, even seasons fade away surely, i could go on and on, and compare you to things i have not yet touched,discovered, felt in venn diagrams and pie charts with all its percentages and numbers but i can never compare you to things i see in my life because maybe, just maybe you were never a part of it.

[silakbos]

I WANT TO TRY

let's jump off bridges together in the dead of night where the only sounds heard are of your heart and mine let me know the feeling of falling in love while being destroyed let's jump off bridges together find the missing pieces of our hearts that we left at the bottom of the ocean piece them together to make monsters out of past emotions let's jump off bridges together your hand in mine destroy what's left of our past and build a future with the fragments baby, we'll never be safe here