Uncomfortable Healing Truths @silentsuffering - Tumblr Blog

About me

I'm gonna try to keep this simple. I am a person. It doesn't matter what person. What parameters. What matters is that I've been through a LOT of crap lately from people I trusted and loved. Some of it was misunderstandings. Some of it was abuse. And I have been silenced quite a long time. I'm sick of it. I'm out of that situation now, but I have a strong urge to share about my experiences and what I learned, because it heals me. And maybe it will help others who have been through the same or experience it rn. It was hell. I am tired. I hate the idea that so many other people experience this as well.

I hope one day someone breaks you The same way you break others.

Tonight I want to forget you. All the love I thought we shared. All the lies you made me believe.

I hope one day you realize how much you fucked up, how much trust you put in people who betrayed both me and you. I want you to live the full experience of being fucked over by them. Of what it means to live with the consequences of betraying a genuine person for liars. You let them talk shit about me. You enabled their abuse. I hope it bites you in the ass like a boomerang with teeth.

I want to offer to reblog anonymously what survivors want to tell their abusers.

As long as it contains no violence/wishes of violence or death, no names/personal details and similarly risky things. But if you have anything you want to say, about how they hurt you, about how what consequences it has on your life, about how angry you are or hurt or even how much you miss them and understand them, my space is here for you. I will try to give you a voice. Healing is so very messy and difficult and I'm going through that. If you're also going through it, please feel hugged.

I'm glad to see you're okay & recovered After everything you've done to me.

Took you half a year to get over something that will take me half my life to get over.

Something I want to tell my ex:

My therapist says that you have borderline. Not because I talked bad about you. Or told her all the shit you've said and done. No... because I told her all the things that happened. All the ways you've been hurting. All the fears you had and projected onto me. All the ways in which you were trying to persuade yourself that I hate you, over mistakes you made. How you tried to turn this into a self fulfilling prophecy. How you mentally merged yourself with people who barely knew and abused me and got upset when I had boundaries with them and cut them off, for my own safety, because you were terrified I would extend that to you. How your inner turmoil ate my peace alive. How you couldn't let yourself be loved in peace and sacrificed our love to your god the fear. I hope you recover. I hope you get help. Not to change. I love you for who you are. Not for me. We are over. But for you. For your stability. For your well being. I love you. So I want you to be well. I don't think you're insane and need help. I think you've suffered so infinitely much and have been exposed to such terrible people and deeds in your life, that you're fighting for your life, that you're terrified everyday. I'm not better than you. I only understand all this so well, because I have felt this all before. I lived with a mind like this for so long. Maybe you have borderline, maybe you're heavily traumatized... no I'm sure you are. You told me all about it. I wanted to protect you, but I couldn't. I hope you'll be alright. I love you. I love you, I love you. From far away, but I want to put this into the universe, maybe it will touch you, somehow, from the distance, maybe it will comfort you, if I put it out there, even if you don't know this is me. But I love you and I hope you heal and get away from these horrible people. I wish I could hold you and protect you. Even now. Even after all the horror they put me through and that you fought me for. I hope someday you will be okay again and free to understand this.

Despite Everything

Despite everything I miss you. Despite everything I hope you're okay. Despite everything I see your pain and fears. Despite everything I hope you heal. Despite everything I love you. You're in my heart, forever, always. Despite everything. Despite all the pain. Maybe some day you'll understand what love is. What loyalty is. What kindness is. What grace is. What it meant when I looked over your missteps and stupid hurtful things you said to me in a rage, but you couldn't look over mine. Maybe someday you will know what it means to be loved and love somebody back. Despite everything that happened, I hope you are okay.

thoughtkick

“I just want to be with someone who doesn’t disappear when love gets tough.”

— j. iron word

On a personal note:

These past few weeks were hell. I'm trying to run a professional looking abuse recovery/reality account. But reality is also that I am a survivor of abuse and trauma and I suffer all the consequences. I have weeks where I am in deep depression and can only survive by functioning for my work, pay my bills, throw some nutrition and medication into my body and then fall into bed or onto the sofa and rot. Submerge in TV shows, games or sleep for far too long and then repeat the next day. Reality is also that my apartment currently looks like crap. That I haven't done dishes in a week, because I barel noticed them piling up. That my living room is a mess of unfolded blankets and daily life objects cluttering the table and sofa, just in reach of where I lay most of these godforsaken days.

Survivors of abuse don't do a magical glow up after the relationship is over. We suffer of PTSD, depression, anxiety and more. We barely manage. We survive for weeks, months, sometimes years after, working hard to find our way back to normal and functional. And far longer to find our way back to happy, healthy and calm. So if you didn't do the glow up that so many toxic social media accounts say the "good one" does, or else you're the bad one... don't worry. You're not. You're okay. You're not a bad person for being broken, for suffering, for needing time, comfort and hiding and not working well after all the awful things you've been through. You're badly injured. You can't walk out of an explosion, of an inferno, of a terror attack on your soul and go to work and run your household and live your life as if nothing happened. A narcissist can do that. A regular person who experienced a regular relationship with a regular breakup may be able to, after some weeks or months.

Everyone else? Has to fight for every moment of productivity and wellness for a hecking long time.

Don't beat yourself up. Take the break you need. Be a slob while you recover or rage clean your house, whatever works for you. But don't beat yourself up. Others will do that for you already.

Hey, it's Valentine's Day.

One of the hardest days for people who have been abused in a relationship and loved their abuser.

One of the hardest days for people who have been abused by others and saw the person they love betray them and enable their abusers.

One of the hardest days for those who didn't only get their hearts broken, but their souls.

I am one of them. I share my pain to make it less. This is a safe space to share yours. <3

Abuse Reality #6

Sometimes I wonder if destroying my mental health and breaking down my boundaries really did anything for you. Did it help you feel safe? In control? Did it make your own pain and fears any better at least? Did my suffering serve any purpose? Anything that helped you? Or did it maybe even amuse you or turn you on? Were they right about you all along? Or did it merely hurt you and destroy the person you loved and your relationship with them? Did destroying me and my mental health destroy your own mental health and a dream, a happy future we could have had for you as well? Was it worth it? I want to know if my suffering served any good purpose at all! Did it at least help you with something? Did it make you feel as loved and cared about as my love, peace and happiness couldn't? Did it silence your own trauma a bit, did it heal you? Or did you destroy yourself with it, just as much as you did with me?

nocuer

If you aren’t her safe place you’re doing it wrong

silentsuffering

Agreed. It goes for all genders. If you're not your partner's safe place you're doing it wrong. The dread I felt when it wasn't safe for me to address abuse from mutual friends with my partner was incomparable and it's hard to recover from.

Abuse Reality #5

I want nothing bad for any other person. But sometimes it does make me very angry, sometimes it does make me want to scream, when I see how okay my abusers are after completely destroying my life. How they can just pretend that nothing happened. How they can pretend to just be normal, nice people or worse: Acting like they're suffering from others being mean. Still playing the victim. But also being okay and thriving at the same time. That doesn't make sense, does it? You can't be abused by someone and simultanously be creative and happy and all that. Most of us don't even manage to feel our justified anger, fear etc while abuse happens. We just go numb, we're shell-shocked. And we take ages to recover, because the abuse dulls everything, every one of our passions, everything becomes a dull, terrifying pain. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. But the people who abused me are. Even 4 months after parting ways with them, the consequences to their abuse has severe impact on my daily life. And they are completely fine.

worthless-mess

"Are you ok?" I'm actually tired bro. From the bottom of my heart I'm tired

dumblr

“It wasn't love, just heavy manipulation.”

— r.h. Sin

silentsuffering

Sometimes I wonder if this is true for me and my ex partner. But then I remember how softly he loved me and how severely he broke down when a third party got involved in our relationship, creating problems with her at the center and persuading us both that we each other are at the center of them with conflicting information and playing the victim.

We hurt each other SO much over crap an outsider told us. Instead of being a team and fighting together against her. I was hurt by him that way. And people try to tell me he's a bad person for it. But you know what? I think it's hypocritical and toxic that when I go to help-spaces I get bombarded with this. I did this to him as well. "Yes, but you recognized it and tried to fix it and he didn't" is the standard answer I get, when I point that out. And you know what? That's infuriating. Of course he didn't. He was manipulated. He was subjected to intense psychological abuse and gaslighting, just as much as me. He's a victim to that and it's not his fault and he's not a bad person for the fact that it's so intense that he struggles to see through it. Why on earth is it so hard for people to address the real problem? A woman who abused two people and with the goal to destroy their relationship out of jealousy? How is that his fault? People tell me it's "a tale as old as time" - yes well, he never cheated on me and never got together with her after we broke up. They're still friends, because she has him in her grasp and made me the scapegoat. She's a narcissist. That's a normal thing for a narcissistic abuser to do. Why can't I get help anywhere, when my situation is: Me and my man were abused by a woman? Why is everyone trying to villainize my ex partner to me? How is that helpful at all for my situation or in any way better than that woman villainizing me to him?

And these are structural issues. This happens. This is a real big problem. I have real mental health issues as the consequence to real abuse. So does he probably. But already while it was happening and I was looking for help to stop it, I couldn't find it anywhere. I only found blame for my partner. Which amplified the methodic gaslighting my abuser practiced to make me believe my partner had bad intentions for me. It was not helpful. It was harmful. I encountered that in so many self-proclaimed safe spaces and spaces that deal with narcissistic abuse. And I'm just so tired. I feel like I'm on the run since a year. I can't find a place to settle down and tell my story where it will simply be accepted for what it is, without people trying to rewrite the reality of my experience in some way to blame the "evil man".

He's autistic. He's struggling with schizophrenia. He's had a rough childhood. He's been gentle and vulnerable due to his conditions. And somebody took advantage of all that. Somebody took advantage of a disabled person. Just as that same person did with me.

So my ex partner and me were equals in a situation where both he and I fell victim to a person with bad intentions. My ex partner did not somehow automatically turned evil when we had problems in our relationship happening or broke up. I had just as much and as little part in that as he and most of it was caused by a much bigger issue, an abuser.

Obviously this doesn't go for all people. It has nothing to do with this post and it hasn't wronged me, nor has anyone connected to it. But it upsets me that sometimes I wonder about this, because SO much gaslighting has happened, not only by my abuser, but it's been amplified by places and people I turned to for help. And I'm so exhausted from that.

su0l

I hope you all find someone that calms your soul.

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