Silent Thoughts

25| Status: In my Mind | Dark Poems

[silentthoughtsvoiced]

The best is yet to come,

The best is yet to come.

Alone.

It’s never been a problem,

Being alone has always been there for me.

Alone.

I was alone,

Until, I wasn’t,

I met loneliness.

And loneliness strings me at night,

Can I really say “I’ve been alone?”

Hurt has always been with me,

There’s nothing more soothing than words

filled with numbing promises.

There’s nothing less comforting,

Blinking away tears,

Clearing the knot in your throat,

And feeling the pain that maybe I was meant to be alone.

And that void was filled temporarily with sparks of joy,

Joy that quickly evaporated.

Alone.

[silentthoughtsvoiced]

Not So Cozy Winter

I walk past the shelves.

They're full of rotten greed.

The smell in the atmosphere is foul.

A smell that starves the future.

I glanced down at my cart.

Slices of Anger, a bag of frustration,

and a gallon of resilience.

The music in the background is loud,

but not loud enough to silence my panic.

I walk back to the same aisles to confirm the weight of my pocket.

This Winter, Tis the same season of survival.

In nauseating carol hymns,

they sing in our faces, the same lies.

There are those that sing along with their ugly Christmas sweaters.

Singing with the same tune, they sway along to latch onto the remaining warmth.

And then, there are those that spot the offtune,

the lack of emotion so they slam the door shut.

The familiar cozy warmth will return.

[silentthoughtsvoiced]

Quiet in this Anxious State of Mind

When I should be happy,

I’m busy worrying about what you think.

When I should be proud of myself,

I put myself down for not meeting your expectations.

I should be happy,

But I’m consumed with making sure that you’re okay.

I should be proud,

But I just saw your reaction and it feels like I let everyone down.

I should be celebrating,

Yet here I am thinking about what I could have done to make you happy.

When will I get your stamp of approval?

I can’t keep up.

The stomach aches. The headaches. The loss of sleep.

I can’t keep doing this.

My silence is loud.

Believe me.

My loudest scream was silent.

[silentthoughtsvoiced]

Startling Reality

Live.

Lived.

It’s the same, isn’t it.

I do.

I say.

I follow the script.

I can’t be wrong.

Living.

Surviving.

Struggling.

The resemblance is just amazing.

The silence falls on our shoulders like a blanket on a cold night.

Warmth,

something I’m not familiar with.

It never lasts.

Peace,

It burns out in seconds.

Fear,

They’re all I ever known.

I’ve gotten better.

I mean, I’m still here.

It’s nothing special, that is, befriending fear.

The hand wavers and the lip quivers.

The heart pounds and all sense of control has disappeared.

The mind becomes a maze of thoughts and emotions.

Who am I ?

What can I do?

Where do I go?

Who I can call?

How do I stop this?

Silence.

I don’t know.

There’s no trust.

It’s always been me, myself, and I.

It’ll be over soon.

I’ll be over soon.

[silentthoughtsvoiced]

Tired Cycle Lives On and On

It’s tiring,

Going on and on.

It’s tiring,

Listening and remembering your voice,

But failing to find my own.

It’s tiring.

Your words only hurt.

Your words are sacred.

Your words are the law.

Your words overpower me.

It’s tiring,

You paint my life in grey.

I know your words should be taken lightly.

I know.

This life is ours,

Not mine…ours.

[silentthoughtsvoiced]

Sense doesn't Rhyme with you

I've fought myself to understand you.

I didn't blame you,

I blamed myself.

Despite everything, I believed in you.

I grasped the thorns in my hand and waited for a better day.

Days turned into weeks.

It's been years since I made that wish.

It doesn't make sense.

Why can't you see me?

Why can't you listen?

Why is it my fault?

It makes sense to me.

How can I play my memories for you?

How can I display my heart?

What is so hard about accepting your wrong doings?

Talking with you is like smoke, it'll slowly takes hold of your oxygen until nothing is left.

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Instagram: crow._.writes

[silentthoughtsvoiced]

Troubled by Everything and Nothing

The sun shines,

Why not me?

I walk and with every step, my mind throws a sharp thought.

“I have to do this. I need to do this. I will do this. But how?”

The sun gets hotter.

I’m burning under the pressure.

I have to contribute.

There’s no one else.

The struggle continues,

My mind gets louder.

I can barely hear the music on my phone.

I pause.

I snatch the earphone from my ear.

It’s pointless.

I can’t concentrate.

Days like this make me wonder if I’ll ever feel fulfilled.

Days like this makes me question my purpose.

Days likes these feel like there’s only night to taunt me.

It’s hard to feel at peace when you have to choose between eating or keeping a roof over your head.

It shouldn’t be hard to land a job but here we are, missing and landing on despair instead of security and hope.

——————————————

Stay around for more poems. ❤️

You can find more of my poems on

Instagram: crow._.writes

[silentthoughtsvoiced]

It’s not funny.

I laugh.

It’s not funny.

The aftermath is that I’m stuck with this pain.

The pain stays.

My misery persists.

My what ifs and what do I do,

They don’t leave me alone.

I open up…to my sketchbook.

To them?

Please…don’t make me laugh.

My pain is within the drawings…within my writing.

I let it create,

I let it free.

This pain seems like forever.

When it’s me, myself, and I.

How can I complain?

There’s a roof over my head,

There’s food at the table,

There’s nothing but me, myself, and pain.

How can I complain?

The cup of fear has overflowed.

I can’t afford to spill anymore.

I’ve ran out of tissues.

I’ve done everything to not feel.

[silentthoughtsvoiced]

There’s a time and place.

Not sure how that would work.

My phone is a sea.

There’s only one active captain.

And it’s me.

Captive…captain of my own creation, loneliness.

There is no ending,

Everywhere I look…there’s more to see.

[silentthoughtsvoiced]

My wish,

What was it?

I swear it was just yesterday where I blew on dandelions…

Spoiler alert,

That dandelion must have been intoxicated.

My wish didn’t come true.

It burned with the old me.

I swear if you squint hard enough you’ll could see how I bleed.

That best friend didn’t come and save me.

I saved myself.

Now, that’s a lie.

I survived…I’m a zombie.

This is the house of survival.

You’ll survive whether you want to or not…you’ll survive.

You’d think they’d come with instructions.

Where’s the manual to handle a parent?

I was so consumed in growing up that I forgot to ask for that book on parenting…

Oh right,

I’m the child.

I forgot.

I should be concerned about my studies.

How foolish of me?

I apologize.

I’ll just stand and listen to your yelling…I mean soothing voice.

Who am I to parent a parent?

—————————————-❤️‍🩹—————————❤️‍🩹————————🖤———————

For more of my poems and WIP

Instagram: crow._.writes

[silentthoughtsvoiced]

Tired.

Isn’t living supposed to be refreshing?

Tired.

Sleep is not kind to me.

Sleep,

A realm I do not know or want.

There was a time where I lived in my dream…

Now, I escape sleep.

There’s nothing but nightmares and unwanted memories.

Tired.

Sleep can’t fix me.

I’m still me in my sleep.

The rude awakening when my eyes open and I realize I’m still here.

[silentthoughtsvoiced]

Words are nothing unless they come from you.

Words mean nothing but no…not the words that slap me in the face.

Words..they carry meaning,

They hold so much yet so little at the same time.

Promises, they mean nothing when you say the,

Promises.

What are promises?

Wishes. Dreams. Secrets.

Promises are unpredictable,

You ought to be careful.

You might hurt yourself.

[silentthoughtsvoiced]

Rotten Flowers Bloom in the Garden

Time and time again,

I reach out

and immediately pull my hand back.

My face flushes when I try to open my heart.

The roots.

This bloody heart is tied to my roots.

The voice.

The thoughts.

The emotions.

They convinced me to back off

and move back into my dark room.

It’s rotten.

The petals above my heart are falling off.

It’s the new season,

same crippling sadness.

The stench of doubt and uncertainty

attracts my devious mind.

[silentthoughtsvoiced]

Will you be there…

“I have so many unanswered questions.”

“Where do I even start?”

“Should I even try?”

“I fear that my thoughts come true.”

[silentthoughtsvoiced]

It’s been a wreck, my heart.

I feel cold.

Distant and afraid,

That’s where you can find me.

Alone and lost.

Where is love…that unconditional love and support that I long for?

What am I doing wrong?

Fear is easy to see when I was raised in Fear.

I can be forgetful,

It’s a trait that comes with a broken heart.

But I must remember,

I can’t afford a poor heart.

I can’t forget my mind.

A massive explosion rocked within me.

Mess,

Destructive and dangerous.

Complete,

Something that sounds wonderful.

I feel like I’m missing pieces,

Like I’m incomplete.

[silentthoughtsvoiced]

If only…you could feel what I’m feeling.

So, what am I supposed to do?

She runs…ruins my mind.

I can’t talk back.

No, that’s a big no no.

It doesn’t get easier,

It gets worse.

It’s always my fault.

It’s never her.

An adult,

A woman…disguised as a motherly figure.

You should understand her,

Tell that to the child who couldn’t afford a childhood.

Don’t shove forgiveness in my face,

No one is entitled to forgiveness.

I can’t see past the pain in my head.

I can be understanding but why is it one side?

Why can’t she understand me!?

Why does she not listen?

Why do I have to listen?

Why?

Save the excuses.

I don’t see regret.

I only see the same pattern.

I hear the burden in her voice when she yells at me,

I feel numb when I walk away.

[silentthoughtsvoiced]

Talking Back

Ouch, I did not know how much this would sting.

This wound keeps opening.

I don’t think they make stitches strong enough to keep my heart intact.

I feel hopeless when I’m in the room.

Am I the enemy?

Why do you take my silence as an alliance with your last mistake?

Why do you hurt me?

Words sharp as a knife.

That stare that poisons the mind and fills me with disgust.

You hate when I’m silent.

Breaking news, everyone does.

They poke at me with questions like “What’s wrong with you?”, “Do you talk?”, “Why are you so quiet?”

Every question felt like a punch in the stomach.

That’s how I am.

That’s who I am.

I can’t force myself to speak,

Believe me, I've tried.

It’s not just with strangers, its with family.

Family. Stranger. It's all the same to me.

No one knows me.

Not even me.

I lost my voice a long time ago.

I was just a kid.

My world was black and white.

Whenever I felt joy, it was robbed.

Before I could learn about myself, I was told who I had to be.

Talk back, that's absurd.

Talking back only means getting hurt.

Kiddo, I’m sorry.

If I could go back, I would hug you.

Kiddo, you're not alone.

You have a place in my heart.

You are lovable.

Kiddo, it’s okay to cry.

You’re not a mistake.

You’re allowed to play with your barbies.

You’re a kid.

Kiddo, I hear you.

You deserve to feel safe.

You matter.

Life is weird.

Kiddo, talk back.

Never apologize for who you are…for what you feel.

Deep down, I know, a hug wouldn’t change a damn thing.

It felt like pouring salt on the wound.

Why show that you care if you knew you would only hurt me in the end?

It’s mind games.

Aren’t games suppose to be fun?

I can’t complain.

Talking back is bad,

Obedience is the only way.

Sorry kiddo.

It seems like I’ll rest for a while.

Don’t look back.

The monsters won’t show up if you don’t look back.