I thought my mom died and then I found out that she hadn't and I'm still really upset about it. I was so happy and at peace when I thought she was dead. But she is alive and still the same horrible person with the same horrible attitude. I miss the few months of true freedom I had.
Around the same time I thought she died I found out that another abuser of mine was dead and was happy about both. Now that my mom is basically back from the grave, I am incredibly paranoid that the other abuser is also not dead but just pretending to be dead. I don't know how to confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is dead.
I was free. Now I'm even more aware of these people than before I thought they were dead. Shit is scary as hell
First off: as someone who has gone no-contact AND lost a shitty parent, death is basically just a universe-enforced restraining order, so the good news is that as long as you control your mom's ability to access you, there's really nothing wrong with going on pretending she's dead. It's not as reassuring, sure, but it's also not against the law.
Second- and if it seems I'm being flippant I apologize, this is serious and I speak lightly so it doesn't ruin your day- funerals are goddamn expensive. Headstones are goddamn expensive, and cemeteries have a lot of paperwork and strict oversight.
I say this because if you want to reassure yourself that a dead abuser IS dead, you could probably ask around and see if you can find an obituary or something, or a grave, or even an urn or something kicking around with their ashes in it (you don't need to open it, urns are also expensive). I don't know your dead abuser's deal, but most assholes I know don't part with their money easily and would not go to the lengths of paying for Death services just to fake their death and fuck with their victims.
Most abusers I know don't think about their victims enough to *plan* anything, honestly- the abuse seems to be a symptom of their thoughtlessness rather than their passion for inflicting torment. But again, I don't know your life.
And this sounds kinda nutty, but if you really need to I suppose as a last resort you could phone around to nearby funeral homes and ask if they had the dipshit. Distant relations and confused friends call around a lot, so it wouldn't be weird to call to see if a funeral already happened or if it's the right place. They may not tell you unless you're immediate family, though.
Third.... no advice or solutions on this one, just wanna validate that this sounds like it sucks ass and I'd be pretty fucked up about it if it were me.
If it helps at all, she ain't gonna live forever, so you *are* going to be able to celebrate twice. Not often that happens. It'll be a fun anecdote once she does finally kick it
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