silly goose

she/her nostalgia is free and therapy is expensive

[sillygooseness]

You Give Me Something To Hold Onto

My greatest pride and joy is finally finished after like a year in my drafts!

Trigger warnings: Alcoholism, Addiction, Mental Health Issues, Relapse,,,, yeah lister relapses :( but it's okay! because it's part of the journey :)

Title is from the song High On You by Sam Fischer and Amy Shark

Jimmy is startled awake by the sudden motion of Lister jolting across the bed, frantically tearing the duvet off of his sweat soaked body in a panic. Jimmy knows exactly what is happening before the sleepy fog clears from his head.

“There’s a bin by your head,” Jimmy croaks, as he hurries to be by his boyfriend’s side. He’s gotten over just in time to grab Lister’s lengthy light brown hair as he doubles over the bin. One hand is pushing the fringe from his forehead, the other holding the long strands behind his neck, letting his nails move soothingly along his skin. They’re both sitting on the side of the bed, Lister clutching the bin like his life depends on it as all of the alcohol and regret comes back up.

“Let it out, you’re okay.” Jimmy moves his hand from his neck down to rub comforting circles on his back. 

As Jimmy continues to hold him, the memories of yesterday come flooding back to him. The panic he and Rowan had felt to their core when Lister had disappeared from the flat, and the jumble of despair and relief that washed over them when they realized Lister had forgotten to turn his phone’s location off so that they quickly saw that he was at the club across town. His old favorite. And they were very much too late. Retrieving him and dragging his severely intoxicated body back home was still a blur, which is probably for the best. Jimmy doesn’t want to relive that anxiety. 

The sound of Lister dry heaving into the trash bin pulls Jimmy right back into the present moment. He’s groaning as his abdomen continues to spasm. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Lister moans repetitively as his muscles begin to calm. He can’t stand the stench as he hovers his face over the bin, but he’s too ashamed of himself to bring his head up to face his boyfriend. He’s let him down, and he doesn’t deserve this care he’s receiving from him. 

“It’s okay. You’re okay,” Jimmy repeats.

“I don’t deserve you.”

“Don’t be silly, Lis.” 

Jimmy pulls Lister’s head up by his cheeks and grabs a tissue from the bedside table to dab at the corners of his mouth, then the sweat from his forehead before kissing him there. 

Lister can’t meet Jimmy’s eyes. 

“I feel like shit.” A tear falls down Lister’s cheek that seems to open a floodgate as his eyes squint shut and more come pouring down, all of which Jimmy wipes away with his thumbs. “And I’m really dizzy.”

“Here, drink some more water.” Jimmy reaches a hand over to the bedside table to grab the glass he’d left there a few hours before. Lister drinks it all very slowly before shifting back into Jimmy’s embrace.

“Let’s get your teeth brushed and go back to bed. It’s still dark.” Lister nods at this.

Jimmy stands up first, grabbing Lister by his hands and pulling him up with him. He wraps his arms around the taller boy’s waist, walking him to the bathroom. When he turns the bathroom light on, Lister winces, so he turns it back off and sets up his phone’s torch on the counter instead. Jimmy watches him from the door. He finds it hard to keep his eyes open as he leans against the doorframe, and the yawn he finally lets out makes Lister feel even more guilty for causing his boyfriend to be up at this hour. 

Lister dares a glance at the shadow of his own reflection, but he can’t stand to look at the ghost in front of him. He barely gets a glimpse of the dark circles under his eyes and the emptiness behind his gaze before quickly diverting his focus back down to the sink as he finishes brushing his teeth. Jimmy notices and spreads his arms wide, eyes still half closed, and opens and closes his palms to gesture for Lister to join his embrace. Of course he obliges, and Jimmy raises to his tiptoes so that he can easily wrap his arms around the taller boy’s shoulders, letting their cheeks brush lightly before burying his head in his boyfriend’s neck. They stand in the doorway holding each other for a long moment, reveling in the safety of their warm embrace that keeps the both of them still before the chaos they both know will ensue tomorrow. Finally, Jimmy begins to walk them back to bed. Once his boyfriend is under the covers, Jimmy grabs the empty cup on the nightstand and the trash bin before disappearing out the door. 

When he reappears with an empty trash bin and full glass of water, Jimmy finds Lister curled up in a ball under the sheets. He crawls in behind him and curls his arm over his abdomen to hold him close. Lister clutches Jimmy’s arm to his chest as if it is his only anchor to reality, so Jimmy pulls him even closer against his chest. Even though Lister is bigger than him, he loves being the big spoon sometimes. It makes him feel like Lister’s protector, especially in this moment.

“Do you hate me now?” Lister asks in the smallest voice he’s ever heard.

Jimmy could cry right there. After everything they’ve been through together, it baffles Jimmy that Lister could still think that’s plausible. “Of course I don’t, darling. I love you. I knew exactly what I signed up for when we started dating.” 

“I know I just-“

“Do you stop loving me when I have panic attacks?” Jimmy interrupts. He doesn’t know where Lister is going with that sentence, but he knows his heart wouldn’t be able to take it.

“Of course I don’t.”

“There you are then.” Jimmy states, as if his point is that simple.

“It’s not the same,” Lister insists, still mildly confused about how his incessant alcoholism equates to Jimmy’s panic disorder.

“How is it not the same? You love me through all my anxiety and dysphoria. I love you through your addiction, when you’re sober and when you relapse. We both deal with each other’s shit, that’s the deal.”

“I guess,” Lister sighs as Jimmy kisses the back of his shoulder. “Rowan is mad at me though.”

“Rowan isn’t mad.”

“Yes he is.”

Jimmy begins to move his fingers that are splayed out on Lister’s chest in a soothing motion across his skin. He still can’t really move the rest of his hand because of how tightly it’s being held. That’s fine by him, though.

“I promise you that he’s not. We were both just worried, that’s all. We want you to be safe,” Jimmy squeezes him impossibly tighter against his chest, hoping that Lister can feel his sincerity through his tight hold.

Lister just hums in response and settles himself further into Jimmy’s embrace. Of course he doesn’t believe him, but they could go back and forth until the sun cracks, so he stays quiet. 

They don’t say anything more after that, and Lister can tell that Jimmy has fallen back asleep when his fingers cease their movements on his chest, and he feels Jimmy’s breath slow down against the back of his neck. He is grateful for his dizziness for the moment because if it weren’t for the spinning room rocking him to sleep, he’s sure all of the self-deprecating thoughts echoing around his head would keep him up for at least three days. 

—-

Jimmy is the first to wake back up a few hours later. They’ve both shifted from their original positions, so he turns onto his side to make sure his boyfriend is still sleeping, and frankly, still breathing. He’s relieved to see his chest subtly moving up and down. Tears prick at his eyes as he stares at his boyfriend’s face, reliving the relief at knowing he is safe. Jimmy finds himself worried most of the time, but nothing compared to the distress of not knowing if his boyfriend was safe. Or even alive. Again. He wants to reach out towards his face and just hold him, relish in the feeling of his chest expanding against his, but he knows better than to wake him up. He knows that as soon as Lister wakes up, he’ll be miserable. Not just physically, but he will also be beating himself up for relapsing. This isn’t the first time this has happened since he first decided to get sober, but it is the first time they are going through it as a couple. Jimmy doesn’t think this adds to the stress of the situation, as he’s always loved Lister and cared deeply about his well-being. That feeling just takes up a different space now. And now, he can hold Lister through his hangover, kiss him, tell him he loves him through it all. 

He hasn’t always been good at comforting others during stressful times, but his confidence has grown with Lister. Lister is actually pretty easy. He just needs lots and lots of words of affirmation, as well as lots of cuddles. So that is fully how Jimmy intends to spend their day.

Jimmy is pulled from his train of thought when he notices Lister starting to wake up. Even though the boy’s eyes are still closed, his face twists, and he lets out a groan. 

“You’re okay,” Jimmy whispers, finally reaching his hand forward and stroking Lister’s cheek.  Lister immediately moves his hand to intertwine his fingers with Jimmy’s and keeps the back of his palm against his cheek. Jimmy’s touch on his face is the only thing that feels good right now. 

“I don’t feel okay.”

“What hurts?”

“My head. And my stomach.” Jimmy tries to pull his hand away, but Lister keeps it pressed to his face.

“I’m just grabbing your water and painkillers.”

Lister sighs and lets him go, pulling the sheets up to cover his face. “Can you close the curtains, too, please? It’s too bright.”

Jimmy does just that and when he comes back over to the bed, he rests his hand on Lister’s back to support him into a sitting position. 

“Open,” Jimmy instructs, tapping Lister’s chapped lips with his thumb. He complies, and Jimmy places the pill on his tongue then holds the water to his lips. 

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” After Jimmy kisses his forehead, Lister eases down so that he is laying on the bed with his head laying in Jimmy’s lap. They’re quiet for a while, Jimmy mindlessly playing with Lister’s hair, but he has so many questions. They have to talk about this.

“Lis,” he starts, and he feels his boyfriend tense in his lap. Maybe from the noise, but maybe because he can sense his serious tone. Jimmy adjusts his volume to a whisper when he continues, “Why didn’t you say anything?”

He just shrugs in response. 

“You’ve been so… off. Were you thinking about drinking that whole time? Or was it just impulsive?”

Another shrug.

“I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on.”

“If you could tell something was wrong then you could have said something, too,” Lister finally grumbles.

“Would you actually have been honest with me if I had?”

Silence.

Jimmy audibly sighs and rethinks his strategy. This isn’t going anywhere. 

Their relationship is not tumultuous by any means, but communication is still their biggest issue as a couple. Talks like this are still rare since they’d both rather internalize their feelings rather than expose their vulnerability, but now that it’s reached this point, this talk is inevitable. They’ve both been through enough therapy at this point that they both have the tools to have this conversation, so Jimmy is determined to get the truth out of his boyfriend.

“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything,” Jimmy starts again. “I guess I wanted to think that you would work it out. Or maybe enough cuddles would make our problems go away.”

“If only,” Lister forces out a chuckle, but it quickly triggers the lump in his throat. He’s choking up, but doesn’t want to start crying again, so he starts talking instead. “I just felt so pathetic for even thinking about it after all this time. Like, I should be all fixed, but I’m still this mess. And I still get so worried that you’ll realize it and-” 

“Lister, you’re not- I’m not-”

“But now I’ve made it worse,” he continues to ramble. And he has started to cry. Double whammy.  “And now I have to start this whole fucking sobriety thing all over again, which honestly feels impossible. And I feel even more worthless.”

Jimmy lifts up Lister’s head so that he can shimmy down to lay in front of him on the bed. He grab’s Lister’s face in both of his hands again, letting his thumbs wipe away his tears in a way all too reminiscent of the way he did last night. Lister forces himself to look into Jimmy’s eyes, and when he does, Jimmy’s heart drops. He feels his own eyes well up again because of course they do. Jimmy is the one who cries all the time, not Lister, and seeing him so broken feels so very wrong. 

“You are not worthless. None of this dictates your value as a human being. Doesn’t make you any less kind, or passionate, or brave, or completely lovable. It doesn’t take away your good heart.” He’s gripping Lister’s face firmly now, letting his fingers play with the hairs falling in front of his ears. Lister’s fingers are fidgeting with the hem of Jimmy’s shirt. 

Lister shifts his eyes from Jimmy’s again. He knows Jimmy believes these things about him, but in moments like this it’s almost impossible to think of himself as anything more than terrible inside and out. Jimmy is not having this, though. He ducks his head down to force him to look into his wide eyes. Lister can’t really take the glare seriously though, because he can see right through Jimmy’s own red eyes swelling with tears. It makes him feel worse knowing that he’s in this state because of him. Those big brown eyes will always be Lister’s kryptonite.

“As for me; you know our deal. As soon as you stop trying, that’s when I tap out.”

Lister just nods.

“You have people in your life who want to support you. But you have to let us in so that we can do that.”

“So my therapist tells me,” Lister grumbles.

“When are you seeing her next?”

Lister sniffles while he tries to remember what day it even is today. “Um, in a couple days I think.”

“Good.” 

Lister moves his forehead to rest against Jimmy’s. They just breathe together for a moment. 

“I love you,” Jimmy breaks the silence once more before planting a firm kiss to his lips. Maybe his words are going in one ear and out the other, but he can show his boyfriend how wonderful he is through every spark in his touch. Through every kiss. 

Jimmy only pulls away to place kisses on Lister’s cheek, then his forehead, his nose, and the corner of his mouth. Usually when Jimmy does this, Lister’s face would scrunch up in a giggle. It may lead to a tickle fight, more teases, more kisses. Today is different; Lister feels much too nauseas, but the soft pressure on his face does make him forget about his pounding headache for just a moment. 

“I love you so much,” Lister whispers as he leans into his boyfriend’s soft kisses, gently holding onto his biceps. 

“You’d better.”

Lister smiles faintly because Jimmy isn’t usually one for sass. He moves his face ever so slightly so that the kiss meant for the side of his mouth lands right back on his lips, and both of them smile a little bit, before Lister sighs and buries his face in Jimmy’s neck. 

“I’m really knackered today, Jim. Can I pick up with the trying tomorrow?” Lister groans, earning a slight chuckle.

Jimmy responds by planting a single kiss on Lister’s temple, making him scrunch his face up cutely. Jimmy holds his boyfriend gently, bringing his hand up to play with his hair again. There’s a lot left to unpack, but this will do for now. He hopes that Lister will be more honest with his therapist.

“The bin on your side of the bed is clean if you start to feel sick again,” Jimmy reminds Lister gently.

“I think I’m okay for now. Stay tuned, though.” His voice is muted against Jimmy’s skin, and he simply hums in response.

Moments like these are so gentle. Maybe because of how rare they are. If Jimmy is glad for one thing out of all this mess, it’s that this happened during a stretch of days where they don’t really have anywhere to be. Things will pick up soon, though, and they will have to make sure Lister is ready to pretend that nothing ever happened as they embark on a new round of press tours and performances. That’s days away, though, so for now, they can rest.

Their comfortable silence is broken by a knock on the door. Jimmy calls out for Rowan to come in while Lister lets out a guttural, albeit muffled, groan. Rowan opens the door slowly, and Jimmy almost laughs at his wide eyes looking like he’s sussing out the room.

“I just wanted to check in on you, Allister,” Rowan starts slowly, only to receive another loud groan in response, his face still nuzzled into Jimmy’s neck. “Right. Well, I was going to offer to make pancakes. Can’t take painkillers on an empty stomach.”

“You up for a pancake party in bed?” Jimmy nudges him after a beat of silence.

“As long as it’s quiet,” he grumbles.

“Right then. I’ll be back with pancakes.”

Sure enough, Rowan reappears within the hour, somehow balancing three plates of pancakes like some experienced waiter, before handing them off to his friends and shoving his way onto the giant bed.

“I’ll try not to third-wheel too hard,” Rowan teases, earning a swat from Jimmy, who had to reach over a wincing Lister to do so. 

“Thanks for the pancakes, Ro.” Lister mumbles after they’ve eaten their pancakes in silence for a few moments.

Jimmy hums to second the sentiment since his mouth is full of pancake. Rowan simply pats Lister’s leg in response as he munches away at his own plate. It’s quiet for a while as they all eat their breakfast, Lister eating very slowly in an attempt to not throw it all back up. One of them has put on an old 90’s film to play quietly as they eat.

After finally finishing his plate, Lister seems to feel a little more like himself. He decides to make it known by opening his big mouth.

“If I had known that all it would take for a pancake party was to relapse again then-”

“No, Allister!” Rowan exclaims at the same time that Jimmy scolds, “Don’t even joke!”

“Ow, ow, too loud!” Lister whines as he moves his fists- which are still clutching his knife and fork- to protect his ears. “No joking about relapsing, got it.” 

As they quiet down, Jimmy leans over to try to help detangle the bit of syrup that got into Lister’s hair. 

“Seriously, though, I don’t deserve you two. Thank you,” Lister speaks again through little winces when Jimmy accidentally pulls at a clump of hair a bit too hard.

“Would you please quit it with that” Jimmy mumbles with clear exasperation. “He’s been saying this shit for hours, Rowan.”

“I’m serious,” Lister insists. “I’m going to do better this time. I won’t let you down again.”

Jimmy and Rowan share a seemingly telepathic glance, the kind that Lister used to hate.

“I think we both appreciate the sentiment,” Rowan finally responds, “but I seriously don’t think you’ll get very far if you’re only worried about disappointing us. Stay sober for the sake of yourself, yeah?”

Lister just sighs. He doesn’t quite know how to do that. Even after all of this time working on himself. But Jimmy and Rowan have already worried about him enough these last 24 hours, so he decides to just give them what they need to hear for now.

“Yeah. Yeah, okay.”

[ilyrozanov]

two beautiful boys and their wonderful mothers, because representation matters.

[argillaforma]

i can’t breathe this look fucking eats

[sillygooseness]

he is literally lister bird idk what to tell yall

[rozanovy]

CONNOR STORRIE 83rd Annual Golden Globes Red Carpet

[sillygooseness]

ladies and gentlemen, we have found him. we have found our lister bird.

[sillygooseness]

coming out of retirement to announce my fancast of connor storrie as lister bird. that’s it that’s the post.

[dr-drea]

It's also interesting how Jimmy sometimes refers to Lister with his full name (for example, 'We don't ever talk about deep stuff, me and Lister Bird.'; 'It's easy to see why so many people want Lister Bird.'

But he stops when Lister does it himself ('It's different for me. Being Lister Bird') because that's the moment Jimmy's image of Lister Bird (the celebrity) shatters and he finally sees him as Lister (the person)

[sillygooseness]

i need a new comic or book to hyperfixate on for the next 6 months

[grace-ful-13]

Hear me out, My World but it's Lister and his perspective on how the media perceives him

[aled-lasts-skyscraper-radio]

i miss aled last

do you miss aled last too?

yuppers (we need more aled content)

now i do

who's aled last?

Voting ended onAug 17, 2025

[earth2audie]

what if…what if rowan doing one of those elle prank call interviews and lister saying something on the phone he definitely should not be saying to the public

[sillygooseness]

“satellite” by harry styles is such a lister bird pining song and he most definitely practices that drum part before the last chorus with the song blasting in his ears to feel some sort of catharsis sorry i don’t make the rules

[sillygooseness]

obviously “DAISIES” by justin bieber as well, yes??

[sillygooseness]

have we, as a society and as a fandom, discussed fable by gigi perez as a jimmy kaga-ricci grief song yet????

the song is literally about gigi hearing that she won’t see her dead sister again in heaven because she’s gay. IMAGINE JIMMY HEARING THAT AFTER HIS GRANDMOTHER DIES BECAUSE HE IS TRANS BUT HE STILL WANTS TO STAY IN THE CHURCH. IMAGINE THE ABSOLUTE CATHARSIS AND DEVASTATION HE FEELS HEARING THIS SONG FOR THE FIRST TIME??? OR DO WE THINK IN THE OSEMANVERSE HE WOULD HAVE WRITTEN A SONG LIKE THIS FIRST???????

[sillygooseness]

now that everybody has finally hopped on the djo train, can we finally talk about how DECIDE is the most lister bird destroyed by fame album to ever lister bird?

[jimjamkagaricci]

I think an I Was Born For This adaptation would be super interesting if it was kind of like Kevin Can Go F**k Himself in the way the color grading and tone shifts when it’s in a different character’s perspective.

Like, from Angel’s pov, we’d have how she views the fandom world and The Ark and the color grading would maybe be a little too bright and colorful. It could even be shot as a stereotypical quirky teen show.

But from Jimmy’s pov, we’d have how things really are in the world outside of the fandom and the color grading would be dull and more like the real world and could be shot like a drama.

And when they finally meet in the bathroom at the m&g incident, we get a weird combination of the color grades and tone and eventually everything balances out when that interaction is over, indicating Angel’s realization that everything isn’t how she thinks it is.

Idk, reading this again and the perspective switches genuinely pan out like this in my head. I think iwbft would be an amazing show, or even a movie or limited series. I forgot how obsessed with this book I am.

[n1ghts-starry]

woahhhh… lister bird…

my brain wanted to draw lister bird because i recently read iwbft and holy SHIT i loved it, and also bc i liked his hair in the pride 2024 drawings. my brain also wanted to draw an awkward smile. i do not know why these two coincided but here we are. awkwardly smiling lister bird. boom.

he’s a little bit wonky and uneven and the tattoo looks like shit bc i didn’t feel like trying to make it look good but honestly i still really like this piece and it was initially just supposed to be a doodle for myself before i went “wait this is actually kinda peak i wanna post it on tumblr”

uhhhhh there’s my little yap sesh, the two drawings on the right are by Alice Oseman and they were my references but i kept them in bc i thought they complimented my own drawing and also scaling up lister would ruin the pixelated lineart, the drawing on the left is mine lmao

this is a tumblr exclusive congratulations you all win

[distantsolarsystemsandsnails]

explaining boygenius to i was born for this fans: ok so imagine the ark but they’re adult women and jowan is real.

[imauselessartist]

could you maybe do an art of imogen as daphne from scooby doo and nick is shaggy?? i think they’d be cute!

You are a genius, and the entire time I drew this I was laughing my a$$ off at the idea of imogen and Charlie ganging up on a begrudging Nick to ‘make good’ on his promise to her of matching Halloween costumes the next year.

This was too much fun to draw!! (And has definitely given me brainworms for some other hs x scooby related doodles 👀) Thank you so much for the prompt, I really hope it’s what you imagined!!!! ✨🥰✨

Also Imogen’s wig is flawless, she does not play ab Halloween and she is so real for that