Dear Future Hogwarts Student...
Congratulations for getting accepted into the most Magical Place On Earth™ !!! Starting Tomorrow, this means you’re no longer a stupid goddamn Muggle, but a wizard (and that’s totally kickass).
It’s also more dangerous (and embarrassing) than an Apple Store on Black Friday, so if you want to survive to actually do any of those spells they advertised on the brochure, here’s some tips:
never go to the bathroom alone.
(particularly the girl’s bathroom)
yes, the Forbidden Forest has unicorns. it also has giant-ass spiders. choose wisely.
no, not everyone in Slytherin is an evil douchecanoe. but make no mistake, they can and will kick your ass.
“YEET”-ing is only allowed at Quidditch matches and in the Gryffindor common room.
don’t bother trying to get snape fired. it never works
not to mention, he will know
the paintings are gossiping hoes, don’t trust them
never diss a weasley. it may seem funny now, but it definitely won’t once the other 20 show up
Slytherins may have dark magic, but Hufflepuffs have dank memes. consider yourself warned.
dumbledore may seem high as fuck. that’s because he is. it’s best not to question it.
if you see a malfoy and a potter in the same room, walk away
you can answer the Ravenclaw riddle’s literally, if you want. (but everyone will haze you for being a pussy ass)
Schrodinger’s Empty Classroom dictates that you never really know if there’s a couple of horny teenagers making out in there. if so, have fun getting hexed
no matter how long the line is, taking the Hogwarts Elevator is always better. fuck the moving stairs
stay in bed for Halloween, if you can. the pumpkin pasties aren’t worth it (and were probably poisoned that day anyway)
don’t try escaping the hospital wing. madame pomfrey is authorized to use force
the quidditch-related death count only included players who died during the game. remember that
someone saying “IF SHE BREATHES, SHE’S A THOT” is not a good reason to duel it out in the hallway.
it’s totally worth getting expelled tho
and finally, no matter the house, background, race, or name, everyone at the school is awesome. there’s no doubt you’ll have the time of your life.
just remember that they’re also all hormonal teenagers with murder sticks, or equally unstable adults.
amandla
titsay
vaporwave
