a ella le gusta escribir

she who loves to write

[siriuslyiamalwaysron]

Why does it feel like you’ve been with us longer than you actually have? Cara’s sleeping now. I hope you’re sleeping well now too despite your situation. Stay strong, Yen. You deserve to live and feel loved. I’m praying you’ll be in good hands. I love you and I’m sorry.

[siriuslyiamalwaysron]

To Our Home’s Sweetheart

Though I cannot remember the exact date of when we first met, I can still remember how you look at that time, in that moment. You looked very kind and warm. You were beautiful. You were trying to hide yourself in a corner and you looked so shy and afraid. At first, I thought I’ll make you mad just by my presence because I was a stranger to you but when I approached you, you were just silent yet I can see how you looked at me. I knew I loved you since then. I guess it was love at first sight.  For almost a year, you’ve been a part of our family. I have never taken you to bath and wash you myself, never cleaned your poop or urine, never removed even a single tick hiding somewhere in your body full of fur. Those were done by Mama and my siblings, but not me. I only have fed you a few times, when Mama’s not around. When you were still here, I was just enjoying your company. You were such a sweet, innocent dog and it always pleases me just to see you roaming around the yard and inside the house. There were times when we would not see you outside anymore because you were already on the next street. You love walking outside during mornings. At such times, we always worry that you will be caught by those men. But you always come back. You even got pregnant because you really liked going outside back then. Your babies were also so cute, like you. I found myself attached to your babies too. They were seven. After a few weeks, Mama have to give them to some of her friends and acquaintances. There were so many who have asked for your babies. We have to give them because we cannot take good care of them all. It’s making me lonely when I got home from school seeing them less than seven already. There were days when Mama would cry after giving one of your babies. Until your only golden brown-haired puppy was returned because she was not properly taken care of. Our joy doubled because of you two. You became inseparable. Just watching your baby sleep beside you or when she uses you as her pillow because she’s on top of your body, already makes me happy. You were so adorable together. You became our family’s source of happiness. Then this day came. And I’m sorry it happened to you. If only I were awake a little earlier, you still could be here with us today. For the past couple of hours I hoped we would get you back. I didn’t go with them to come and try to get you because I was hoping I would see you again here. And if not, I don’t want me to be there wherever those men have taken you and to see you for the last time. Anyway, I for sure would cry to death and I don’t want that. I don’t want seeing you locked inside with some dog bigger than you, like Mama said. I don’t want you to see me there, and I don’t wanna see your face and your innocent eyes while you’re looking back at me. I don’t want you to see me cry. Unfortunately, Mama and my sister returned home without you. I have expected that, but it still breaks my heart. I’m not used to not seeing you anymore around here. Your puppy makes it harder not to think of you. I guess she’s waiting for you. She doesn’t have a clue of what happened to you. I’m sorry, this is all our fault. We have failed you. If only we have paid more attention. I’ve always loved you, even though I’m not the one preparing your food or the one taking you to bath. Thank you for being such a sweet pet, I wish we had you much longer. I will not be forgetting the first day we met until I last saw you few hours ago, a little later after midnight before going upstairs to sleep. Never imagined I won’t be seeing you anymore when I wake up. I love you so much and I’m gonna miss you. I am praying and hoping that the next family that you’ll be with will be much better, will also take good care of you and treat you like you’re part of their family. I pray you’ll be in good hands and that you’ll always be safe and well. We will miss you.

[siriuslyiamalwaysron]

;)

I’M SO TIRED. ENOUGH NOT TO THINK OF A WITTY CAPTION FOR THIS POST AND ENOUGH NOT TO LOOK FOR A PHOTO THAT WILL SOMEHOW ILLUSTRATE WHAT I HAVE IN MIND. And so I ended up with a stupid and silly “;)”. ANYWAY.. March 19, 2016. MY NOT-SO-LAST DAY AS A COLLEGE STUDENT. Well not really the last, because we’ll still be having our 3-day comprehensive exams after the Holy Week. WHY, YES, WHY? But the senti side of me will remain, senti. And aside from that, I have my OTHER personal reasons.. I JUST GOT HOME AND DEAD TIRED AND I HAVE NOTHING IN MY PURSE RIGHT NOW. **Never been into wallets because a) I don’t need it because I don’t have a lot of money to put inside it; b)  I don’t need it because I don’t have a lot of money to put inside it; c) a & b** BUT THIS DAY ISN’T ON THE LIST OF MY SO FAR WORST MOMENTS IN MY LIFE. As a matter of fact, for some inexplicable reason, I feel extraordinary. Definitely not one of my greatest days, but also not one of my typical days where I’m just fine and blank. I feel so weird right? I know, talking to myself is far too weird by itself. I guess this is the ‘chicken sandwich’ speaking. Chicken sandwich has never been more delicious! Thank you, Hannah and boyfriend! This blog is for you, as you so wish. Haha. Or maybe, I’m just thinking that this was my last regular day at school, so that helped me to get rid of the annoyance that I’m supposed to be feeling in our situation earlier. Though I prefer we were with our other friends in our circle. I had never been so vocal about it, *just sometimes when I can’t contain it* but I have been missing them since the start of this last semester. We were only complete during our Accounting 18 class, and that was only for once a week. The rest of the week, we didn’t see each other that often too because of our different subjects, and internships. The company I have with my friends IS DEFINITELY what I will miss the most. And I think we didn’t make the most out of this last sem. Of course I understand the reasons why, I know that. Okay, I don’t want to go so emo right now..

Or maybe, I wasn’t alone earlier so the situation somehow, was lighter than it should be. So maybe that’s included also in the ‘friends’ part. I just feel the need to write. And I want to enjoy my quiet alone time here in our home, letting my thoughts carry me away. I haven’t graduated yet, but I already am missing the student life. I have appreciated more the difference between work and school when I was an on-the-job trainee. I don’t miss the quizzes, exams, deadlines, requirements part of the school. Of course I miss, and I’ll be missing the people I shared this phase of my life with. I could enumerate the things I like about school, and the things I’m most looking forward to in my future career woman status, but it’s basically just the common things. Things that people are also thinking. And because I’m feeling lazy to do so, I would not enumerate.

I have so much in my head right now but I don’t know how to start, one by one. And I avoid being too sentimental, because it makes me lonely. So for now, I’ll hold back as much as I can. Haha! These past few weeks I have been really so sentimental. But actually that’s part of my nature, so there’s no big difference – I, every day am feeling sentimental. I’ll end this by saying that I’m hoping we’ll have good results in our grades, and hoping we’ll bond after the last day of our comprehensive exams. I just miss the girls – all of them so much. After that, next month is for the remaining events, including the Graduation Rites. And that’s it. After that, life goes on, in a different chapter, different setting, and different faces. I hope the girls will keep in touch – I’m rarely confident on what I say, but right now and ever since, keeping in touch isn’t so much of a problem with me, especially to the people that are very special to me. There are times actually when I feel like, I’m still friends with someone I’m no longer with almost always, because I still make the first move to keep up and tell that friend that I miss her. Honestly, that makes me depressed, realizing that, what if I stop asking about her? We’ll just lose the friendship we’ve had? She’s okay with that? But the very loyal side of me knows that I can never ignore a real friend, putting aside the fact that she’s not exerting much effort as you do in having a low-maintenance friendship. Another BUT, of course, everyone has their boundaries. I also get tired and sick of it. When I’ve reached my limit, I’ll be trying my hardest to not care, even though I feel the exact opposite. It’s just about balance. Don’t be afraid and ashamed to express your love, but remember to love yourself a little more.

HOW RANDOM. Just became a bit emotional there, when I just said I don’t wanna go emo tonight.

So that’s it. I’m thinking if I should give the deets of what happened today, but really, for the majority, it can really be just plain and not extraordinary. It may not be, but my spirit and mindset says otherwise. I’m a firm believer of ‘mind over matter’, anyway. And there are some things, it may be simple or overwhelming, that you just want to own all by yourself. And I’m. Really. Tired.

BYE x 

[siriuslyiamalwaysron]

SIMPLIFY. Looking at this word, at this artwork made by my classmate (what a way of giving credit lol), soothes me. Yes, sometimes I’m that shallow of a person. Or maybe I’m just this extremely desperate of having a simple life. But what exactly is a simple life? Is simplicity? How do you live a simple life? I don’t know.. As much as I want to call it, I know my life isn’t that much complicated. There are more and more complicated problems in the whole universe than my own. I do this every time, whenever I encounter a hardship in life, I tell myself to calm down, move on, and you’ll get through it - the world got far more complicated problems than you do. That helps me, knowing that I am not alone in this world and there are worse situations. But sometimes I’m thinking if that’s right - comparing my problems to others’ - because whenever the situation is the other way around, this time I feel so blessed and Earth is suddenly such a very bright and positive place, I do not think and tell myself that, calm down, move on, don’t be too happy, there are more blessed persons in this world than you are. See my point? Okay I am not making any sense. When you belong in a financially-average family, does that mean you live a simple life? If you would ask me, the answer is, NO. When I was younger and less matured, I thought yes. It’s because all I was considering at that time was the material things and all the other financial aspects - But now I realize, whether you’ve got a wealthy, poor, or in-between living, life is life. Sometimes you’re lucky, other times you are fucked. And in these times of my life, I don’t know really when it all started, I feel more fucked-up than blessed. Or I am just starting to be more unappreciative and less positive in life. I tried. I tried to overlook the things I don’t want to see. I tried to be inattentive to the things that are being told to me. I tried living a simple life, as simple-looking as my family, as our home. I tried multiple times to simplify things by being grateful, happy, positive, cheerful, noisy and whatever. But sometimes life really TRIES me. Is it really how it is? Do having more bad days than pleasurable days normal? My mindset is getting weaker. I know I must not be this way for too long. I have to be strong for myself, for my family. I’ve been a firm believer of “mind over matter”. I just don’t know how I will be. But again, I have to be. I cannot wait for MY time. I just want a happy, stable, and a simple life.

[siriuslyiamalwaysron]

Stunning, powerful, strong, independent, full of grace, free... I wish I could be her.

[siriuslyiamalwaysron]

If We Drifted Away, And We Lost It All Today

So last couple of weeks I have visited the blog of one of the girls I am so admiring today - Maine Mendoza - and I have read her blog entitled, “To The Best Friend Who Drifted Away”. I got inspired, sad, and weirdly, happy, maybe because I can relate to her and in some way that gives me comfort. So now I’m getting the urge to express my feelings through having a blog, too. Well thank you Maine, and I love you so much! (I’m a fan hahaha) 

To one of my BEST FRIENDS - this may sound so stupid and all because not even a week has passed since we have last seen each other but seriously, I miss you. I am really not sure why the non-stop conversations are now seemingly fading, we always understand each other while no one else can, we always have random stories to tell, we share occasional dramas and inside jokes nobody can relate, we seldom used to go a day without speaking to each other, our faces are so used to just pop up on each other’s phones and we’ll be saying anything - it can be necessary or not, stupid or not, a big deal or not - that goes through our minds. You were always on top of my messenger app, now, I can’t see you anymore without scrolling down. (But don’t worry you’re still the first person I see in my favorites list HAHAHA) I know maybe you’ll only laugh or maybe get annoyed when you are ever, able to read this (I hope you won’t ever be) because this is too much drama, and our friendship isn't used to that. And that’s why I cannot say it directly to you, even though I know you can feel the change in the atmosphere too. 

I would like to think and assume that I am over the emo-overly dramatic-crying yourself to sleep-hysterical stage of this because honestly speaking I am so tired, and I just want to be wherever the fucking wind blows. I’m getting to the completely fed up and I am so done stage, because I admit at times I still get lonely when I retrieve our old conversations where we were just so happy and having fun with our nonsense, sometimes witty words. HAHAHAHA. Whenever I type HAHAHAHA I remember you saying, “Wag kang tumawa, ang fake.” Currently, I am adjusting to the situation and acting normal, pretending that everything’s fine. Well, we have no personal problem at all (I positively assume), so I think we’re fine. I just guess things just inevitably change. We still tag and mention each other in random posts on social media, but lesser than before (and not chatting). During the days when I was feeling so emo and I was tweeting things you understood and felt, I was thinking maybe it’s because we didn't see each other in school that much, we weren't often together as before, but lately I have come to new theories and it sucks because you’re the first person to whom I always share something, just anything. I realized maybe this trying-to-act-normal-but-this-is-getting-awkward friendship started when you stopped opening up to me anymore. About something. About someone. Because you weren't comfortable to me talking about her - because she was close to me, too. When you said to me that one night that you were not able to say your problem with her to me, I just replied, “Ayan. Di ka na nag-o-open sakin”. But there’s so much more feeling beyond that words. (Okay drama na naman) But seriously, maybe that’s where it started, right? You don’t talk to me that much anymore. Maybe that’s what created the gap that I don’t wanna tolerate now anymore. I just lost a very close friend to me, I don’t wanna lose my best friend, too. 

I approached you by sending you a message that Sunday when things got seriously fucked up, because we got so awkward that time then, but after that, things went well again until that day came. That day was supposed to be special especially to you, but things got fucked up again, big time, this time. I tried staying the same, the normal me, and you know me, I really cannot go a day using Facebook without mentioning you or tagging you in a post. I did, that time, even though I felt things are getting awkward and different again. You replied with something that speaks volumes, I really needed further explanations. But I understood you, I know it. It just saddens me that you cannot talk to me anymore, not only about that matter, but as day goes by, just about everything else and you are now more open and getting closer to somebody else. (Sorry I get really jealous and somewhat selfish when it comes to my best/close friends) So I let you have your space and time, I waited maybe you’ll be the first to talk to me. I thought of the poem I made for you on your day and told myself that “Buti na lang nagawa ko yun at nabigay ko sayo, baka kasi last na yun at least marami akong bagay na nasabi dun na di ko naman nasasabi sayo everyday.” (Dahil sobrang madrama at cheesy) (Baka last na kasi baka dumating na ang araw na di na ako malapit na kaibigan sayo) 

A few days after that we saw each other again and I am so thankful because you showered me with your luck. HAHAHAHAHA. Ganun pa rin naman tayo (but I prefer the old us, naks, magjowa lang), things have just changed and are continually changing. Kung ako lang, I never wanna be at that point because I treat you as my best friend in this time of my life. But as day passes by, I am teaching myself to accept the changes, stay who I am, be optimistic and grateful, and to learn that life goes on. Marami mang nagbago, meron pa rin namang mga hindi magbabago. Ikaw at Ako. Chos! HAHAHA! Ikaw lang naman ang nagbabago, e. Hahahaha charot! Pero seryoso ulit, tulad nga ng last picture sa post na ito, “You will always be my best friend.” Kung hindi na ako ang BFF mo, e wala na akong magagawa. Iiyak na lang uli ako. Joke. *insert face with tears of joy emoji*  I miss you and I pray some things will go back to its old state and what I am referring to is our friendship. I tried un-BFF-ing you, out of my dramatic and pathetic state, and because it sometimes feels like this is a one-sided BFF-ship, but I cannot. Without you girl, my life is incomplete. Okay, hanggang dito na lang, I think I’m gonna puke. P.S.: I’m hoping the day for “realizations these past few days” & “I’ll tell you some other time” will still come. Magdadalawang linggo nang pending e.

FU Forevs, bitch.