Just for a moment (a redky oneshot)
I’m not sure how many redky warriors there are on tumblr but I’ll leave this here anyway ! Sorry for the lack of a ‘read more’ option, I’m posting this on mobile
There were a lot of thoughts he would never share with the world, thoughts that would remain buried into the foreseeable future. Admittedly, he said that about a lot of things. His singing voice for example, which no one but his shower head would ever hear. He’d never share his secret love for romantic comedies either, or how much he cried at them.
None of this however, could compare to the alarm that filled him whenever particular thoughts would occasionally bubble up to the surface, no matter how hard he tried to forcibly push them back down.
They appeared on quiet nights, when he was playing a video game, and there was nothing but pale light from the TV illuminating Ricky’s face. For a moment, a second, nothing more, he couldn’t help but think his friend looked....well...
Big Red didn’t use that word to describe people often. But on that particular night, he thought Ricky deserved it. He always did, but there was nothing shocking about that, surely. Anyone could notice that about Ricky. Nini certainly did, among others. It was normal, he told himself, as he shook himself out of it and returned to his video game.
Sometimes he would see Ricky with Nini, and something would twist inside of him. Something heavy, something he couldn’t pinpoint. Something that wanted him to move forward and break them up somehow, which was totally insane, because Ricky liked Nini and Ricky was happy. Which meant he should be happy for him.
Happy. Happy. You’re Happy!
Nothing made the feeling go away. Nothing made the thoughts go away. Nothing made the what-ifs go way.
So what if, for a fleeting moment, he’d wished he were in Nini’s place?
What if, for a fleeting moment, he wished he could be the one to make Ricky smile like that?
Sometimes, when Ricky was sat opposite him at an ice cream parlour, eyes alight with laughter, a thought would appear in his head that was so outrageous he was certain the wince that twisted across his face must’ve been obvious. Ricky didn’t comment on it, although his features smoothed out with shock for a moment, and he looked as though he was on the verge of saying something.
And for the entirety of that afternoon, that outrageous, fantastical, world-ending, thought continued to swirl about in his head.
Given the chance, he really, really wouldn’t mind kissing Ricky.
‘Wouldn’t mind’ was certainly an understatement, but it was an understatement that was necessary for Big Red, because there was no way he really wanted to kiss his best friend.
Now here he was. It was the morning of opening night, and he was entering his room, and his chest was swelling with a feeling so light he couldn’t help the smile tugging at his lips. Ricky was sat on the bed, his guitar rested on his lap, and immediately hopeful what-ifs began to fill Big Red’s head.
“You’re late,” said Ricky with a slight huff, and Big Red’s smile widened slightly.
“We finished painting the sets like twenty minutes ago,” he defended as he approached the bed, “what’s the big emergency?”
“I wanna play you something. Just...promise me you won’t laugh?”
Big Red responded quickly, tiny, obnoxious butterflies beginning to swarm his stomach.
“I have no control over when I laugh, Ricky,” he said, to which Ricky gave a scoff.
He sucked in a deep breath. Big Red subconsciously did the same.
He swore his heart skipped a beat at those words, more what-ifs beginning to fill his head. Then, Ricky continued, and Big Red felt as though his stomach was dropped from the peak of a tall building, right into ice.
“With the only girl who knows what I’m about,”
Ricky didn’t emphasise the word ‘girl’ but it echoed in Big Red’s mind regardless, over and over like it was some sort of mantra.
“Wait, I’m gonna stop you right there,” he said, half because he really didn’t want to hear the rest and half because he had several questions as to who exactly the song was about.
“Can I at least do the first verse?” Ricky asked, and Big Red caved immediately. He seemed to do that a lot when it came to Ricky.
He settled down on the seat opposite Ricky, managing the smallest of smiles.
“After all is said and done I can’t, just pretend I’m moving on, is it just a part we’re playing? Because it don’t feel like we’re faking—“
Big Red knew. Of course he did. It was about Nini, because Ricky liked her and Ricky almost kissed her and he would never be Nini. Those lyrics would never be for him, and dreaming wouldn’t bring him any further away from that fact. It would always be for Nini.
But he asked the question anyway. Because he needed to say something to interrupt the flow of lyrics, beautiful, painful, and never, ever about him. He almost felt slightly pathetic.
Ricky pursed his lips as he stopped the song again. Big Red felt something rising up in his throat that felt awfully like guilt.
“So this is for Gina? I thought she moved away.”
“She did. The day after she missed tech rehearsal. It—it all happened so fast.”
“Okay...” Big Red’s throat was beginning to feel tight all of a sudden.
“The song is for Nini...like an opening night thing...Nini and I almost kissed the other day.”
“Wait... what?” he asked, because what else could he do?
He knew that already. He’d seen it in the way they’d separated so quickly, in the way Ricky’s smile had been so forced. He knew. In fact, he knew a lot of things he pretended not to. Sometimes it was easier that way.
And so, Ricky sang the rest of the song. Big Red sat there, not interrupting once, simply trying to keep everything together like he always managed to do. The strings he usually kept in place so well we’re beginning to unravel, with each line Ricky sang, voice soft as it blended with the notes of his guitar. The smile was evident in his singing too, painted across his face, and Big Red’s heart broke a little more.
Ricky was happy. He could never, ever interfere with that.
When we’re underneath the lights, my heart’s no longer broken, for a moment
Big Red thought of the soft glow from his TV, the late movies, the late night video games. He thought of Ricky’s face lit up by the light, lit up by a smile, he thought of the way everything else would melt away.
When we’re singing side by side, there’s so much left unspoken, for a moment
He thought all of the times he’d considered, just for a moment, telling Ricky about his feelings. It was always fleeting, the feeling always passed. He supposed the words would forever be caught in his throat, waiting to escape.
He thought of all the moments that had lead him to where he was now; all of the realisations, the thoughts, the late nights, the tears, the guilt, the why hims and the what-ifs.
Ricky would never know about them. He would never sing this song to him without having someone else in mind. He would go his whole life without knowing that Big Red was stupidly and utterly in love with him.
And maybe it was better that way. Maybe those thoughts would always be locked up and contained within fleeting moments, fleeting feelings, fleeting realisations.
Maybe, just maybe, Big Red could learn to live with that.
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