ri 🕊

i refuse to stay silent about the things that matter.

[thekuthicollective]

[protectbrowngirls]

Protect brown girls who are afraid to reveal their relationship status to their parents

If you

grew up being told you had to marry within the same caste/race/class/religion or else you’d bring dishonor to your family

are queer and you don’t think your parents will approve

were told you could only date or marry the person your parents picked out for you

were told you can’t date anyone at all but started seeing someone anyway

have a partner who your parents might disapprove of for any reason,

you don’t deserve being forced to choose between your partner and your parents. So many of our parents’ views are antiquated and prejudiced, and it’s unfair that you have to deal with the consequences. If your partner makes you happy, you deserve the right to see where things go. Even if the relationship is a mistake, you’re allowed to make mistakes; it’s how you grow and gain experience. 

Take care of yourself, dear. Be cautious and watch out for people who will want to hurt you, but let yourself have this experience. Don’t beat yourself up for seeing someone your parents won’t approve of. You’re allowed to seek your own happiness.

[modelsof-color]

Naomi Janumala & Pratik Shetty by Tarun Vishwa for Harper’s Bazaar India Magazine - September 2019

[skiesizzzat]

we need more darker-skin rep! they’re beautiful.

[protectbrowngirls]

Protect brown girls trying to set and enforce boundaries

A lot of us grow up being told (explicitly or implicitly) that our boundaries don’t matter, or that having and enforcing boundaries is disrespectful. We’re told we aren’t allowed to say no to elders; we aren’t allowed to have opinions or views that differ from our families’ and elders’ opinions; we aren’t allowed to disengage from situations that make us uncomfortable; we aren’t allowed to have needs or feel upset when those needs are neglected. 

It’s difficult to overturn this conditioning and learn what healthy boundaries look like. It can feel downright impossible to actually set a boundary and ask others to respect it. I’m proud of you for recognizing that you can, and do, have limits. I’m proud of you for asking for those limits to be respected, and for learning how to confront people who don’t respect you. I’m proud of you for defining what you’re okay and comfortable with and for asking people not to cross those lines, even if you’re scared or don’t think you’re allowed to. It’s okay for you to put yourself first, and I’m so proud of you for working to believe that. 

[skiesizzzat]

you tell me our culture is not sexist.

then why am i called a slut for dating while my male cousins are applauded for having girlfriends? why he can wear shorts while you tell me to cover up, because i cannot wear clothes for myself, i must cover up so i do not mislead boys. it is my fault you repress women’s sexuality and their sexual experiences; i am not allowed to experience anything because my virginity is supposedly a gift for my husband. you back up your ideals with religion and tradition and tell us this generation is misguided, but who is to judge? i am not an extension of you, a continuation to a patriarchal society. i will be free one day, and cut ties with our world. i love my culture. i love my traditions, but not the ones that deem me lesser or subordinate. not the ones that divide people based on what’s in between their legs. this isn’t tradition.

this is sexism.

[protectbrowngirls]

your posts are amazing. i found this account a year or so ago? and i’m so grateful i did because you put a voice to what i feel. i’ve cried over your posts, because never, NEVER, have i found people in the desi community who thinks the same things i do. i’ve always felt like an irregularity for my sexuality, behavior, and stance on my culture. you made me feel less alone. you inspired me to make my own page on this too. i will always be grateful for you and how you inspired me.

I’m so so happy that this blog and these posts have been helpful and even inspirational to you. I definitely understand what you mean about feeling like an irregularity; that feeling of being an outsider to your own culture and community is awful. But we aren’t irregular or abnormal, and we definitely aren’t alone. Wishing you much love and joy, especially in these crazy times <3

Would you be comfortable sharing your page? No worries if not! I totally understand the desire to stay anonymous. But I’d love to check it out and boost another brown voice if you’re comfortable with that!

[protectbrowngirls]

Protect brown girls from the constant pressure to find a husband and/or start a family

Protect brown girls who weren’t allowed to date in their teens and early 20s, but were expected to find a spouse and have a kid within years of turning 23.

Protect brown girls who are in their late 20s, 30s, or older and unmarried, whether because they haven’t found someone worth their time, or they have other priorities right now, or they simply aren’t interested in finding a relationship or getting married.

Protect brown girls who aren’t straight and will never want a husband because they aren’t attracted to men. 

Protect brown girls who are being pressured into getting an arranged marriage. Protect brown girls who are being told to settle for a man who doesn’t meet their standards, just to stave off some antiquated societal stigma. 

Protect brown girls who don’t want kids. Protect brown girls who can’t have kids.

Protect brown girls from the expectation that they will inevitably have to put their career on the backburner to become a housewife and a mother. 

You are allowed to enjoy life on your own timeline. You are allowed to seek healthy relationships on your own timeline. There’s no such thing as being “past your prime,” much less hitting that point in your early to mid-20s. It’s okay to develop a career. It’s okay to wait until you find a partner who is respectful, competent, caring, and kind. It’s okay to wait until you’re financially and emotionally stable before having kids, and it’s okay to not want kids at all. Times are different now; it’s possible to be an independent and self-sufficient woman without needing a husband to support you financially. You’re allowed to embrace this and be proud of your independence. 

[thekuthicollective]

being a brown woman is literally carrying layers and layers of your mother’s trauma because she never learned how to deal with it herself

[desi-girl-problems]

[desi-girl-problems]

Being desi means having to become everything that your parents felt that they “missed out on” because they worked hard to give you a better life. And that’s fine, show them respect and love for it all. But don’t stray from your own path just so you can stumble onto theirs. 

[desi-girl-problems]

Desi parents really only give a fuck if you’re married or not. You could be successful, happy, going to grad school, doing all these wonderful things in life and they genuinely still feel like you’re a disappointment if you’re still single. 

But okay mom and dad I’m disappointed I wasn’t born to a millionaire couple so let’s talk about that why don’t we 

[skiesizzzat]

you tell me our culture is not sexist.

then why am i called a slut for dating while my male cousins are applauded for having girlfriends? why he can wear shorts while you tell me to cover up, because i cannot wear clothes for myself, i must cover up so i do not mislead boys. it is my fault you repress women’s sexuality and their sexual experiences; i am not allowed to experience anything because my virginity is supposedly a gift for my husband. you back up your ideals with religion and tradition and tell us this generation is misguided, but who is to judge? i am not an extension of you, a continuation to a patriarchal society. i will be free one day, and cut ties with our world. i love my culture. i love my traditions, but not the ones that deem me lesser or subordinate. not the ones that divide people based on what’s in between their legs. this isn’t tradition.

this is sexism.

[protectbrowngirls]

ok so I don't understand why desi people are so against sex (and even kissing and stuff) before marriage. like if I did what my family wants me to and got an arranged marriage to someone who I hardly know and had children with him how would I even know what to do? it just seems wrong to me that we can't just do what we want to. ugh why do my parents even care about my sex life so much, its just weird.

Because misogyny. 

Controlling women’s sexuality and sexual behavior is a core tenet of a patriarchal, male-dominant society. It keeps women in a subordinate position to men and teaches them that their value stems from how desirable they are to men. A woman who has sexual freedom will be able to set boundaries, will be able to choose independence over a man if she wants, will be less afraid to stand up for herself and/or leave her husband if she isn’t happy with him. She is harder to control; harder to subjugate. 

Conversely, a woman who doesn’t have experience will be less likely to know what standards and boundaries she has the right to set, and may also be less comfortable with asserting her boundaries. A woman who has never dated may not know that sex should be consensual and reciprocal, or that her partner should pull his weight with housekeeping and childcare. She is easier to manipulate and shame and guilt trip.

You as a woman aren’t supposed to know what to do, and that’s the whole point. If you know what to do, then men can’t tell you what to do. A patriarchal society does not benefit from women feeling, or being seen as, equal to men. And most brown cultures are patriarchal.

Disclaimer: I’m not claiming to be an expert on this topic, and I welcome corrections from people who actually know things like sociology and gender politics and whatnot! This answer stems from a mixture of my own experiences, personal research, and courses I took in college.

[skiesizzzat]

there are some days i want to scream.

maybe it’s because my mother insists i’ll get married to a man, or maybe it’s how my elder aunt always calls me ugly when she thinks my parents cannot hear; maybe it’s how i am degraded and shamed for my curves, when the expectation is to be thin, chaste, and covered, as if being skinny = happy. maybe it’s the way my grandmother calls me a stripper, a whore, just for tucking my shirt into my jeans and wearing makeup, because i cannot wear makeup for myself instead of the male audience. maybe it’s how i am a desi girl, and by that standard, i am meant to be protected and under lock and key, a pure little virgin with her legs crossed and heart belonging to god. i am more than the person you make of me; i have fought for far too long to give up now.

i am convinced desi girls are made with fire running through their veins and a warrior of a woman in their hearts.

[protectbrowngirls]

Protect brown girls who feel like they have to choose between their family and freedom.

It can seem like an impossible choice to make, especially if you’ve grown up steeped in the cultural expectation of giving up your own happiness to thank your parents for the sacrifices they’ve made for you. Objectively you might know that your family is being controlling, or toxic, or abusive, but emotionally you just can’t bear the thought of cutting ties entirely or hurting your parents by putting your foot down.

I know it’s hard to face the unknown like that. It’s hard to call your parents on their bluff without knowing whether they’ll follow through on their threats (to cut you off or disown you or never speak to you again) or relent eventually and try to rebuild your relationship. The cognitive dissonance is terrifying to push through, because there doesn’t seem to be a single positive outcome on the other side.

But your existence is not something you need to punish yourself for. Your parents’ sacrifices are not your burden to bear. You are more than your parents’ vicarious second chance at life. You are allowed to seek happiness and new experiences and freedom from the arbitrary restrictions placed upon you.

Nor does freedom have to mean losing your family entirely. You can gradually set boundaries over time and extricate yourself from toxic situations until you’ve managed to create a bubble of freedom for yourself. If your parents truly care for you, they will come around. (And if they don’t come around, I firmly believe they aren’t upholding their parental duties, and you deserve better family anyway.) It may take time and it will undoubtedly be difficult, but you’re allowed to have both.

More than anything, I promise you that you are not alone. You are not alone in dealing with these difficult circumstances, and you will not be alone in whatever choice you make. Please know that whatever you decide, you have a community of sisters there to catch you and support you.

[skiesizzzat]

azad (freedom) can most certainly be difficult, and require sacrifice. but there will always be someone there for you, no matter what. it will be worth it, and hopefully, your parents will come around in the end.

[protectbrowngirls]

@amberraller

I never said it was? The post is literally saying brown girls who experience this are valid, not that the only people who are valid are brown girls who experience this. Where in the post do I say “fuck everyone else, this is only a brown experience”?

Abuse isn’t a mutually exclusive experience. You can speak to one particular audience without inherently denying the existence of other audiences.

You really saw a post trying to uplift a specific subset of people who rarely see posts acknowledging them and their experiences and decided brown girls don’t deserve even this minor piece of encouragement, huh. Just say you hate brown girls and go lmao.

[protectbrowngirls]

Protect brown girls with mental illnesses.

I know a lot of the time, your parents won’t believe you when you try to tell them you have a mental illness. Maybe they’ll say you’re lying or you’re just looking for attention.

They’re wrong. You are valid and so are your struggles with mental illness. You are not lesser just because you have depression or anxiety or anything like that. You deserve to be loved and respected, and your experiences and feelings are perfectly valid.

Please don’t feel like you have to struggle alone. There are plenty of people who care about you, even if it may not seem like it sometimes. Please know that you are loved.