I was today years old when I realized that all I had to do was realize that my mom’s middle name is “Kainoa”and if you translate it specifically it means “The Name” –“Ka” means “the” and “inoa”means “name”. I could be completely out of my mind but for me I take it as yet another sign for my reasons why.
I just looked up what mom’s name literally means and found that the name is typically given to mean "unrestricted sea" or "sea of freedom" from the Hawaiian "kai" meaning "sea water," and "noa" meaning "freedom."
It was so interesting to connect the dots this morning... one of the pipes underneath the house was leaking and we needed to have a plumber to come and check it out; turns out the plumber’s name is “Justin”...
My second job ever was Billabong at the Shops of Wailea –I’ve been one to make friends with guys more than girls, which is how my mom was like growing up too. The first few days of work was about watching this video and learning the tricks of trade when it comes to retail, so I watched the video and learned about having a bunch of conversations in your back pocket in order to slide on in making the works of selling big. It was called “shmoozing” the training lasted two days and the managers decided that I got the basics and that it was time to put me on the sales floor –For me this moment was bittersweet because I was stoked to actually have people believing in me that I was ready to conquer (but I was kinda bummed because I really like to learn and I wasn’t done watching the video; there was still a whole different day of training left!)
I was so nervous and grateful about this job because it was a huge difference in what I was used to; because my first job was at Pretzelmaker and that’s the food industry; down fall was that pay was $7.25 an hour, and when it came to a raise I got $0.50 raise making my total hourly pay $7.75 before I left to this opportunity that was offering me $10 an hour –which was the main reason why I took the job because at that age it was such a huge pay adjustment; (to be honest it was less nerve wracking and at this age I didn’t know I had anxiety, that I crack under pressure and such; I have a whole story about Pretzelmaker but we’re doing Billabong right now) making money was such a cool feeling... I felt so independent.
A guy trained me on the day when it was my first time on the sales floor, his name is Justin (and turned out to be one of the first co-worker friends I’ve made) but I found out the name he also goes by is Kai; which trips me out so much because the as I’m growing and learning about how life works; every single person you ever meet in your life has a name and the name holds a value in your life, the stories are never ending and the soul cycles. One day I’ll try to explain everything but I’m so happy that I got to say what I needed to say before I forget!
Justin the plumber has blue eyes. He said he’s going to fix the plumbing. I don’t know but He knows, I had a boyfriend who had blue eyes, his name is Michael but he went by Mike. Mom’s mom also known as grandma was supposed to have a son before mom and I found out last year, she was going to name him Michael.
Justin the co-worker friend was super cool, he said he rolled a joint that was in his car and he completely trusted me with his keys to go out on shift to go smoke it and that he had the floor covered, I couldn’t believe that I was actually allowed but not really allowed (you know if you know) to smoke weed and work, i would burn after work but never during or before and that was my first time. A definite key, he actually, literally and specifically gave me a KEY to my life.
The reason why I’m making all these references lately about specific terminologies is all thanks to my experience of my drug addiction. I tried meth for the first time last year and got so hooked to a point where I went four weeks straight no eating and no sleeping. Maybe there were snacks and cat naps in between but I was in a complete downward spiral for sure. During that time there was a man I met and his name was Lance, I was dressed with a bikini top and high waisted shorts in a phase to be bar hopping living the night life, I shared with him that I’m not really doing too well because there was a man that I had history with his name who is the fourth Leo and has blue eyes and his name is Roy who gave me an opportunity another story but I’m trying to explain things one step at a time. The night that I met this man Lance, was Roy’s birthday, Roy was insisting for me to get in his car he was yelling so I kept walking to Starbucks just to get away. Lance kept me company and had ears to listen. So I talked to him like I would talk to him like any other individual who’s willing to listen to me, Lance then shared he’s a pastor. I was so shocked, and even embarrassed I started to cover up with the flannel that was tied around my waist and he said to not worry about it. Lance invited me to his place maybe have a few drinks there, but being that I was in the predicament I was in with men, I just didn’t want to but I still felt as if I needed to please him, just for giving me his time to let me talk my mind. He understood that I didn’t want to go, and I believe I said thank you, he said he had to go because he was borrowing a friend’s moped, so I decided to give him my number; i think he said he had issues with his phone or left his phone at his place –I felt okay but still had insecurities and trust issues because all of what I was going through. (Main reason, I would trade my body to keep up with my drug addiction, never really had to pay for drugs at all, took a toll on my soul) Before he left he asked to use my phone, he ended up giving me a gift: www.schema.org.
With that knowledge of definitions and words and predictions and situations, I was completely fascinated at everything, somehow I even came across my Gmail and all Peyton Lei’s dad’s side of the family’s email addresses came up. One by one every one’s undercover email address and I’m like why is this all coming up right now? I don’t understand? I was so fascinated by this website and all these things that I actually stayed up the whole night in front of Starbucks just reading these things on my phone until 8am and all of sudden I look up and people were there coming and leaving to Starbucks.
I called my mom, see if she could meet me at Akamai, I walked from Starbucks all the way to Akamai still continuing to read all these things. It almost felt as if my phone was trying to show me things or something because I found things about me being called a thing, and how I’d be going to court, about the adoptio and some other things that I ended up trying to explain to my friends but they said they had no idea what I was talking about. I mean I guess I don’t blame them; it sounded like I was tweaking out and letting all the drugs get to me. But when life went on and all these things started actually happening I started to become scared and I haven’t really looked into it any more.
It was so dark and lonely out there I ended up using my phone Snapchat, as a video diary and I guess it was my way of crying out for help. A lot of true colors shown who’s there for me and who’s not. Lots of people unfollowed, I cared but I didn’t at the same time because I justified my self and life as if I cannot end my own life then i’m going to escape my reality so much to the point where I don’t feel a thing. And I sure did that. I take responsibility for my actions and such but it’s so hard to see when you’re in the dark. But when you grow and learn to reflect about what happened without taking action upon everything; that is another epiphany!
I still have a hard time erasing every video that I saved on my phone when I was out there, it’s so hard to watch that I don’t know how I’m going to deal with it, in a way I want to watch them just to see what I was going through, but in a way I just want to erase them all and not know. I think everyone is Snapchat knew I was on drugs but who knows? What was hard though was that I really didn’t see that I was abandoning my child, not leading by example and not keeping word to you know who.
I truly didn’t mean to abandon or neglect Peyton Lei, I just really do not handle break ups easily and when I did what I did to Rancyn it was so hard for me to accept because I know myself and I am a loyal woman. Prior to Rancyn, I have been cheated on and cheated with but I didn’t ever see that I would become the cheater because I knew the pain of what it feels like to be cheated on, and why would I want to do that to anyone? I blame my Bipolar 1 for being hyper-sexual because it honestly isn’t uncommon if you look at it from that aspect. I tried explaining to Rancyn early on in the break up by writing him a letter but every time I asked if he read it he said it wasn’t his priority. Which is what crushed me the most because during the times I’ve cheated –I wasn’t myself, I had a mental break, I wasn’t taking any medication because of what happened with all the side effects from the year before I believe. It’s understandable that he was so mad and so hurt but I couldn’t even handle the fact that I’ve done what i’ve done and had no explanation nor understanding. I couldn’t believe that all I’ve ever wanted (besides loving myself whole-heartedly) was that picture perfect family because I didn’t have that when I was growing up, I didn’t have that opportunity to say hi mom hi dad after a day of school. I didn’t have family (parents) gathering dinners and such, i’m a child of divorce and took the blame on myself that my dad never wanted to be a part of the family because of me, I did this all unknowingly because as I grew up I had insecurities about my looks too. Maybe even thought to myself that my dad thought I was ugly because that’s basically what that one boy said when he said “only pretty people allowed” in the clubhouse –which is why I picked at my mole also known as beauty mark, even tried using dental floss just to saw it off. Self mutilating began for me at such a very young age and I don’t think my parents realized it. I remember I even had a mole on my ankle that I would scratch at until it peeled off. I ended up getting a strawberry scab after ice skating i think.
It’s sad that I seen myself as not equivalent to this world just because of how I looked. I really felt like an ugly duckling. And when I actually watched Walt Disney’s Ugly Duckling short this year; it really hit home for me and I ended up bawled crying.
But that’s the beauty in what Leo number three, you know who, yoohoo, he, you showed me. He showed me equality. To be said, taught, then showed are different things. I wrote something about him already so we should know who this is by now, it was a rhyming artistic poem about the first few days we found each other.
I still feel so insecure because this man, is beautiful just misunderstood. But that’s what I mean, we’re all misunderstood, and when we make time for ourselves to actually heal and sit with our thoughts everything starts over with new beginnings, chances and opportunities. Things start unfolding naturally, why things are the way they are. Why they happened the way they did.
The knowing is fun too. The awakening is beautiful. The realizations are blessings. But to believe is achieving success to never give up. I’m so excited and I really love my life, I don’t know why I was trying to cut myself short so many times. The whole experience is amazing, I’m still trying to get the hang of it all. What a journey.
[12:00pm] I’m pretty shy and i didn’t realize how much I hold back my own self from myself –if that makes any sort of sense. I think it’s because I’m scared of being rejected, and with knowing what happened the day I was rejected from playing with the other kids in the clubhouse I would have never thought how much one person could really affect your life. I let that boy’s words hurt me so much to a point where I found myself to be ugly. I was trying every which way to get into that clubhouse to play but I couldn’t get through to him. This clubhouse was located on the side of The Neighborhood, Kaiwahine. I even climbed around to the back to get through just to play but by the time I got inside everybody was outside. It’s a faint memory but such a valuable experience to my life because it showed me that no matter what you go through it will happen, no one could even no it happened and they’ll continue to move on with their lives, it was sad for me in the moment I was just a child and my feelings were hurt. I don’t know if I told my parents about that day but it really changed me.
As I grew older I had the mole removed and the scar that was left by my nose was able to heal over the summer. I was in third grade I believe. High school came around and that very same boy became attracted to me, and went out of his way to call me beautiful, I immediately told him who he was to me and he said that he was sorry. I guess that was when I subconsciously learned to not take things personally. I’m not too sure, because I ended up evolving to have an eating disorder, which I used braces to be a tool. I had an over bite so they needed to align my jaw with rubber bands which gave me reason to not take them out and just choose not to eat. I wanted friends so bad that I didn’t really ever leave the lunch table just to wash my hands to take off my rubber bands to eat. It was just such a hassle and I maybe I didn’t want to miss out on the gossip. I was such a particular way of following the crowd that I didn’t realize right from wrong. At this age who could blame me? It was a time period where I was young and wanted people to like me. I remember it was a moment in my life where I could never see myself sitting alone or going to the mall by myself, I just never wanted to be alone, and now that I’m twenty-five I’m okay with being alone. Sometimes it’s kinda hard to get used to because I’m noticing how much I’m starting to talk to what looks like to myself physically and comfortable I am being that way –it’s starting to scare me and I’m just becoming concerned. But like I said earlier because of the drugs a lot of people fell off of my life. It was and still is so lonely I’m not too sure how I can get used to this, everyone is moving on with their lives, some would check on me here and there, I just don’t know if things will ever be the same because those who I really considered to be best friends or friends even before this life I chose for myself haven’t invited me to their weddings or baby showers like huge life events that you would think you’d want for someone to be a part of if you claim to be such a person such as that in their life. It was hard and still is hard for me to accept that just because of what happened with me showed who I really matter to who and such. But it’s another valuable learning experience. I’ve become a person who doesn’t rely on technology too much, and who enjoys nature and the beauty of life without having to keep track of how many follows I got today or how many likes this photo got –don’t get me wrong I still have the old patterns of me lingering when I get taken back to the times but at least I can recognize that I’m an old soul, it almost feels like I’m a kūpuna in a twenty-five year old’s body. I really don’t use social media as much as I used to which is what I’m grateful for but because of today’s day and age and society and what not i might have to choose to follow along, which is strange because it shows me how much others rely on social media as if I’m supposed to know what’s going on in everyone’s life already.
So because my new drug of choice has changed to meth I’m experiencing a lot of memory loss, I think it could be cross mixing of pills and alcohol that really did some major damage. I can barely remember the early years of bringing up Peyton Lei which is heart breaking because I never thought it would be this way but I’m not trying to worry about it because things could be worse, I just need more time, one day I’ll remember. It just has to come all slow because I tend to get overwhelmed easily, so I’ve learned to be more kind to myself and more accepting that I’m not drowning in depression, but like I said, it’s really hard to see it some days especially when I feel like I’m not being believed in. I experience a lot of triggers when I try to make some normalcy come back which is shopping or running errands, getting out of the house in that sense like feeling like I have a purpose to do something, I just get triggered when I see familiar faces and I’m not sure where or how I remember them. I barely remember high school or all grade school. My adult life has really took a toll on me especially when I was in the psychiatric unit also known as Molokini; for a total of nine times. This is important because when you’re away and out of general society or just put in a predicament where it is a controlled environment (meaning mainly no access to a mobile device –which honestly controlled my life back then) like rehab, correctional facility or prison it changes the way you think, and this is gathered with what I’ve experienced. Maybe it was the amount of time that I was away, it would total out to about two months and a half if it were to have been consecutive. Everybody is different and every mind is different, so I can’t speak for all. Maybe it’s also because I don’t haven’t paid for my phone ever since I got it in fifth grade. My parents blessed me with a flip phone for emergencies in the fifth grade, Samsung with no camera with ring tones that had no words. It was forbidden to ever hit that button to go on the internet. It’s wild how technology has blossomed that quickly and is now overtaking the world. I don’t rely on my phone and sometimes even don’t like to call it my phone anymore since at this age and last year my parents would take it away from me.
There was a time period last year where I had three phones –it was during my drug phase, I felt the need that I needed to “get it from all angles” which I don’t really understand why even said that, but I know I spent one night to read the terms and agreements thoroughly to find that apple iPhone’s are allowing other’s to tap in whenever they please –something along the lines of hackers and listeners. That’s probably the most told lie today’s day and age is hitting that accept to terms and conditions without actually reading though them.
I tried getting my own phone this year which was just a standard flip phone because I feel like that’s all I need at this point –but I gave it to someone who needed it more then me. I don’t really have the need to use all these features and functions this phone has to offer except what I’m using it for now. I have not as much people contacting me through text as I used to let alone phone calls, so this phone could go maybe three days until it needs to be plugged in to charge if I weren’t to pick it up. What i’m trying to show and explain is how much everything has affected me and my social life so bare with me.
It’s just a huge transition for me to accept and realize that this is my life now, focus on myself and really be patient and kind –don’t beat myself up about shortcomings nor unfortunate predicaments. And just take it easy, learn how to relax since I tend to tense actually tense up my body when situations start to arise; still trying to figure out if it’s when things are true or just uncomfortable to talk about. I think it’s when it’s true but I don’t know.
[1:12pm] I have this opportunity to physically see Peyton Lei and I’m so nervous I don’t know what to do. I’m almost feeling discouraged as if I’m not ready to see her. And it hurts so much because I feel ready because it’s been nine months which is a long time, but i was being kind to myself saying that it could be worse by being a whole life time. As in what if the time I tried overdosing actually worked? That’s how my daughter would see me last? It’s crazy how that happened last year. That was the reason CPS became involved because I’m mentally disabled. I kept feeling guilty and just wanting to end my life because I couldn’t handle the break up and more importantly the wreckage I’ve made with my own family. I couldn’t bare to even stand myself or who I’ve become. I couldn’t see it at first but I see it now. I really didn’t want him to leave me, I begged for him to stay on my hands and knees –I have never done such a thing for a guy. It was because we have a baby. I not knowingly became my biggest fear. I took the pills with both my mom and daughter home and when they started taking effect I just fell asleep on the couch. I had a dream, and all I could remember was that my mom was on the recliner just staring off into space and my baby saying “my mommy gave up on me”. She looked like me when I was that age. That’s what woke me up. Who was that in my dream? The old me? Or my baby?
[3:52pm] just finished smoking a half of a cigarette after watching the movie “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” –it must have been my third time seeing that movie and I realized a lot of things while watching it. It was really sad. I didn’t realize how much of this movie was my life. Audrey Hepburn plays as a character named Holly, from my first couple times of watching the film I was trying to understand what and why this movie was so random but meaningful at the same time. This time it relates to my life because Holly’s actual name in the movie is Lou Mae and she has husband and children she looked after that for some reason she up and left. She also has this brother named Fred. It was about a woman who completely lost and was in the process of losing herself within her addictions and sidework of work trading. In the beginning of the movie Holly meets this man named Paul who she got into conversation with and welcomed him in her home as if they’ve known each other. She recognized her brother in this man so she called him Fred. There was a part in the movie where Paul told his lady friend (who I then realized that he was sleeping with for money as well) that it was nice for a change that he could take care of someone. There was a part where there was a party and there was a man sucking his thumb who made a face earlier that reminded me of someone I’ve learned to forgive. At this party I seen Pineapple Head and he was one of the richest men under a certain age. At the party, I seen familiar faces, and every one played their role I couldn’t remember every single one but I recognized a few. There was a moment that Holly was making way through the crowd with Pineapple Head and it reminded me of the exact moment where I made way through the crowd at Dog & Ducks with my telescopic selfie stick and phone I actually have a video of it some where. There was a part where her and Paul went to visit a man in prison to make a new connection by introducing Paul and showing his book. Then Holly asked what the weather report was and the man said snowing in New Orleans, which I understood completely –I think. Because of the moment in the library which is why a check was given which is why her hands were shaking. All these things. She lost her brother and had a mental breakdown and wrecked her entire apartment; which brought tears to my eyes because it took me back to a time when I chose love over my own brother when I was in Molokini; it brought me back I ended up having a moment myself, because I chose to put Rancyn on my visitor’s list but not my brother. I’m still learning how to heal from that, I think I healed almost completely but it still such a touchy topic for me because my brother ended up going through depression, self harm and suicidal ideation the following years. I can’t write about it now but one day I’ll explain.
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