19TH-CENTURY PRESIDENTIAL ASSASSIN CHARLES GUITEAU WAS A MEMBER OF A UTOPIAN SEX CULT AS A YOUNG MAN BUT WAS CONSTANTLY REJECTED WITHIN IT. THE OTHER MEMBERS CALLED HIM “CHARLES GIT-OUT” BECAUSE THEY REALLY WANTED HIM TO LEAVE THE CULT. EVENTUALLY HE DID, AND TRIED TO GAIN RICHES BY PLAGIARIZING THE CULT LEADER’S MANIFESTO. HE FAILED TO DO SO AND RETURNED TO THE CULT, BUT WAS STILL HATED BY THE MEMBERS, SO LEFT IT AND ATTEMPTED TO SUE THE CULT LEADER, WHO CALLED HIM INSANE. GUITEAU’S FATHER WROTE A LETTER IN SUPPORT OF THE CULT LEADER.
HE EVENTUALLY MARRIED, BUT HIS WIFE GREW TIRED OF HIS ABUSE AND THE FACT THAT THEY ALWAYS HAD TO RUN OUT ON LANDLORDS AND CREDITOR BECAUSE GUITEAU HAD LIED ABOUT BEING ABLE TO PAY RENT. SHE ASKED FOR A DIVORCE, AND HIS RESPONSE TO THIS WAS TO GO OUT AND SLEEP WITH A PROSTITUTE (A FREQUENT HABIT OF HIS) SO THAT SHE COULD TESTIFY THAT HE HAD CHEATED, EVEN THOUGH HE PROBABLY COULD HAVE JUST CONSENTED TO THE DIVORCE.
GUITEAU LATER HANDED OUT FLYERS IN SUPPORT OF PRESIDENT GARFIELD, AND BELIEVED THAT HIS FLYERS WERE THE PRIMARY REASON GARFIELD WON THE PRESIDENCY, AND STALKED BOTH THE PRESIDENT AND CONSISTENTLY HARASSED THEM TO GRANT HIM A DIPLOMATIC APPOINTMENT TO THANK HIM TO THE POINT THAT HE ONCE PROVOKED THE SECRETARY OF STATE INTO SCREAMING IN HIS FACE TO LEAVE HIM ALONE FOREVER.
HE BOUGHT THE GUN HE USED TO KILL GARFIELD WITH BORROWED MONEY (AS HE HAD NO MONEY OF HIS OWN AND GOT LODGINGS AND FOOD EXCLUSIVELY BY DINING-AND-DASHING) AND SELECTED BASED ON WHAT HE THOUGHT WOULD LOOK NICEST IN A MUSEUM.
HIS LEGAL DEFENSES FOR THE ASSASSINATION INCLUDED “GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT” AND “THE DOCTORS KILLED GARFIELD, I JUST SHOT HIM.” HIS LAWYERS ATTEMPTED A PLEA OF TEMPORARY INSANITY, BUT HE TOOK OFFENSE TO THIS AND INSISTED HE WAS ENTIRELY SANE. HE INSISTED ON REPRESENTING HIMSELF DESPITE HAVING COURT-APPOINTED LAWYERS AND NO LEGAL EXPERTISE OF HIS OWN. HE FREQUENTLY ASKED FOR ADVICE FROM THE SPECTATORS IN THE COURTROOM BY PASSING THEM NOTES, AND DELIVERED MUCH OF HIS TESTIMONY IN THE FORM OF POEMS HE’D WRITTEN. HE WAS CONVICTED AND SENTENCED TO BE HANGED, AT WHICH POINT HE EXPLODED AT THE JURY, SHOCKED THAT THEY DIDN’T SEE HIS INNOCENCE DESPITE THE FACT THAT HE CONFESSED TO THE CRIME.
GUITEAU BELIEVED THROUGHOUT THE TRIAL THAT THE AMERICAN PUBLIC ADORED HIM FOR ASSASSINATING THE PRESIDENT, EVEN THOUGH THERE WERE TWO SEPARATE ASSASSINATION ATTEMPTS AGAINST HIM. HE ALSO BELIEVED THAT GARFIELD’S SUCCESSOR, PRESIDENT CHESTER ARTHUR, WOULD SUPPORT HIS ATTEMPT TO APPEAL HIS CONVICTION AS A “THANK YOU” FOR MAKING HIM PRESIDENT.
ON THE DAY HE WAS HANGED, HE DANCED HIS WAY UP THE GALLOWS, SHOOK HANDS WITH THE EXECUTIONER, AND SANG A SONG HE’D WRITTEN ABOUT HOW HE WAS ACTUALLY GLAD TO BE HANGED BECAUSE HE KNEW HE WOULD BE GOING TO HEAVEN FOR SHOOTING GARFIELD. HE ASKED FOR A FULL ORCHESTRA TO ACCOMPANY HIS SONG, BUT THIS REQUEST WAS DENIED.
HIS AUTOPSY REVEALED THAT HIS FORESKIN WAS TOO TIGHT TO PULL BACK OVER THE HEAD OF HIS PENIS. MANY WONDERED IF THIS CAUSED HIS LIFETIME OF ERRATIC BEHAVIOR, BUT THERE’S NO SOLID EVIDENCE OF THIS.
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