24 she/her professionally eepy bi girl with a sheep girl sona and a pansexual vibe to the barbeque that calms any stray foals and bugs. Loves Hypnosis and patting you, thinks trances are cute, would probably put you in one if you got within snuggle range, & adores all the silly and strange stuff that sleep has to offer... Loves old nintendos + collecting throw pillows to hide them under
Liking praise is so weird to me sometimes
Not the actual feeling of liking praise, but like, the effect that it has on me?
Cuz sometimes I swear, when I'm all puppy brained, I would do anything for praise, and getting compliments and stuff, just encourages me to keep being good and keep doing whatever it is that I'm doing, and honestly, sometimes makes it tempting to be a bit of an attention whore just to try and get more praise (when usually I'm like, yeah, please don't look at me?)
So the logical part of me that keeps sorta self reflecting, just sorta goes, well praise didn't use to effect you this much did it? So why are you letting it have such an impact now?
And genuinely, I don't really know, all I know is that it feels nice, and just makes me wanna keep being as good as possible and just continue on and try and be the best I can!
Which.... I would do anyway of course
Liking praise is so weird to me sometimes
Not the actual feeling of liking praise, but like, the effect that it has on me?
Cuz sometimes I swear, when I'm all puppy brained, I would do anything for praise, and getting compliments and stuff, just encourages me to keep being good and keep doing whatever it is that I'm doing, and honestly, sometimes makes it tempting to be a bit of an attention whore just to try and get more praise (when usually I'm like, yeah, please don't look at me?)
So the logical part of me that keeps sorta self reflecting, just sorta goes, well praise didn't use to effect you this much did it? So why are you letting it have such an impact now?
And genuinely, I don't really know, all I know is that it feels nice, and just makes me wanna keep being as good as possible and just continue on and try and be the best I can!
Which.... I would do anyway of course
I have said versions of all this before, but not On Tumblr; which is a problem inasmuch as this is a complaint about the parochial insularity of the Tumblr mechsploitation scene. So, futile as it may be, here it is, theoretically visible at the source of the issue: the terrible shortcoming I see in the Tumblr mechploitation scene is that, for the most part, actually writing, reading, or engaging with mechsploitation only happens in other places — what happens on Tumblr is "jacking off about puppygirls."
Everyone's allowed to jack off about puppygirls, of course, should they so wish, but this shouldn't be mistaken for things it isn't, such as e.g. "reading things" or "understanding a genre" or "knowing what the fuck you're talking about."
Mechsploitation is often mistaken for a subgenre of science fiction, from which Tumblr "fans" often talk about sanitising the horrifying elements. This is a fundamental media literacy error: mechsploitation is a subgenre of horror. You cannot sanitise the horror out of horror; furthermore, the horror in mechsploitation is explicitly fascism. The horror is the horror of fascism breaking its sincere opponents — if not into genuine agreement, then at least into a drugs-and-torture-obtained simulacrum of enthusiastic participation in fascist violence.
Whenever someone says "haha what if mechsplo but nicies to puppy :)" they are saying: it's icky that this horror genre is horror. The breaking people, the bad ends, the intentional feelbad, any of the kinks too edgy for Me Specifically — all that can go, superfluous. Let's take out the horror and breaking and drugs-and-torture and simulacrum and just have the enthusiastic participation, because that's nicies! Puppygirl's nice white affluent middle-class ass Simply signed up to kill the subaltern rebels in the imperial military when a recruiter came round to her school. Uncle Sam says: Off the leash, uwu-rah! :)
And if that criticism is too pointed for your taste, consider: mechsploitation without the things that make it mechsploitation probably isn't "reverse mechsplo" or "mechsplo but". It's probably just "milSF with mechs in," something that substantially pre-dates mechsploitation and has estabished genre language for talking about it. Neither it nor mechsplo is served by trying to define the negative space of Everything That's Not Mechsploitation in terms of mechsploitation; the attempt makes you look, at best, like you should Read Another Fucking Book.
At worst, of course, you look like you're acting in bad faith to gentrify a microgenre written by and for trans women about their specific experiences under contemporary fascism.
Are there actions you can take that make you more infohazardous? That's an interesting idea to work. To seem a nestled thing, at a glance? To present edges of information outwards that curve in, imply more interesting things to learn... Sure, maybe that's most people, but how to cultivate it?
I'm sort of aware from, uh, experience that having meaningful confidence starts seeing people put you on a pedestal-especially dommy confidence-and that implies, like, the things interesting about you can really radiate outwards and cause consequences to happen, influence thoughts. You can overwhelm a girl with that, it seems more... the way a crush is more, the way the deeper stages of parasocial connection are more. Can you become a girl optimising for "you can't look away from me, even if it hurts you?"
What traits would she have? Clothes can lead the eye; spirals and glimmering oval stones and all things eye-catching. The way you dress is about the lines across your body their eyes follow. But moreso: what's underneath? Can she present a life of tittilating secrets; can she force you to imprint on her? confident, and dominant, but she *needs* you, somehow. You need to keep looking for both your sakes-it's only polite-don't you want to anyway? Gradients of access are the crux of a romance: get her a little drunk and she treats you different and you start to wonder.
An infohazard can be described as a horror of "it's already too late." caught the glimmer out the corner of your eye and now you can't shake it, that kind of thing. She has to do something that leaves you feeling physically awful if you try to mediate your contact with her. She needs to stab into your fucking brain and leave shame there at the idea of not being hers. Or, if not shame, a physical reliance. You're better when you're with her. You're the most alive when you're solving the mystery of her, trying for her, trying to get at her. Lipstick-the way she holds a glass-the sly little look out of the corner of her eye that catches you. Her special interests; why this? Why that? Every lighting you see her under. The variety of her outfits and who she can be. The things her voice does around different people, and what does that say about you? Who are you, to her? And the obsession to know that for certain. Un/certainty she can play with: you're cute; maybe if you listen to her more, she'll find you more than cute.
Confidence. Bleeding into you confidence, multifaceted confidence. A woman of outfits, of brands you've never heard of. To have a lot of ways to hypnotise someone-lines to draw someone in upon-you need toes in a lot of hypnotic worlds: she makes inadvisable brand deals so that when you ask where she got that coat, those glasses, she can send you on a sidequest that changes your life forever. takes out arcane debts so she can tease you with everything under the sun, seem an expert in everything, until she finds the thing you realllly respond to. Attention burning like the sun. An infohazard is the horror of not knowing how you got here. When you changed. Didn't you believe things, once? None of your friends matter as much as she does. You used to have things you liked for yourself, and you still do, technically, but they're atrophied, backgrounded compared to her, her, her. even if you're conscious enough to realise whatever this is isn't love, it doesn't stop the wanting to be exactly like her, because what else is there left for you to want? What other lives are there? you stared at the eclipse and it greyed out the world. but that really is a chic shade of violet. Just keep staring. Good girl.
I need someone to make a hypno file or a session where I am being trained to fetch a toy, bring it to owner, and as i drop it, i also drop a thought and do it over and over again, right until i am nothing more than a mindless pet who can only bark at her masters feet.
And you can feel a sudden mist of emptiness overwhelm your foggy and hazy mind as my words pluck away your agency. I wonder what it looks like, for your agency to be held in front of you. Stare. Helplessly. Notice as you can do nothing but follow. I hold your agency. You comply. Automatically. Easily.
That's right.
And as you watch that fascinating object that encompasses your eager compliance, you find yourself growing hazier and driftier still. So blissful and captivated. You can't resist. Your resistance is in my hands.
Go ahead, puppy. Let my words spill from your pliable lips. Tell me you can't resist. Tell me you can't fight. Tell me I have your mind in my hands.
Now as you watch it, kept firmly in my grasp, I want you to picture me tossing it aside. Casually. Carelessly.
There it is. Your mind. Your agency. Your ability to decide. Fallen to the ground. Inert. Absent from your silly and submissive mind.
Pick.
It.
Up.
Oh... don't place it back in your head. Not yet.
Just hold it. Look into my eyes. Hold it. Feel it. Knowing your ability to decide. Your ability to fight. Your ability to think is in your hands. Right there. You could reclaim it. You have it...
But I have you.
And because I have you. Your agency. You still obey.
Go ahead. Remind yourself. Say it outloud. "I obey".
That's right... very good.
Now hand it to me.
Puppy plays fetch, right? Give it back to me. So I can toss it aside... and you can give it to me again and again.
I take your mind. Your agency. Your obedience. Offer it back to you and you just hand it right back to me every time. Conditioning you more and more to just be quick, eager and automatic in your readiness to offer your obedience to me.
Right, considering the current state of corporate politics on this site, and that it seems that only those affected seem to be actively speaking on the matter, it is up to I, the only fucking cishet on tumblr, to drag this out to a wider audience.
REBLOG IF YOUR ACCOUNT IS A TRANSFEM SAFE SPACE.
We need to show these higher ups how much we truly value them.
is your blog a safe space for freaks, deviants, cringe failgirls, transfems you find personally annoying, transfems who are Loud and Opinionated, is it safe for all of us ?
hdg is dangerous because of how often you're trying to be like "haha, just remember, this is just a horny thing, in reality it's a terrible messed up thing that should never happen for real!" but you feel like kind of a liar because there's a buried part of you that's honestly like
"hi sorry i DO want this to happen for real, i DO want to trample all over humanity's self-determination and future in exchange for this, i AM bitter, i DON'T think we'd be better off without this happening, because I DON'T have faith that we could ever make things this good ourselves, and honestly I kinda *do* want to "get even" after a lifetime of being forced to comply with a system where *I* can't safely be myself, open up to the great majority of people, or achieve what I truly want, so maybe I *do* want everyone who'd be unhappy with this happening to have to know what that's like."
and then you reflect on all those thoughts and it just feels like
okay, whiny inner 14 year old, i think it's past your bedtime, champ.
i was training a young person at work, and she referred to sexual assault as "SA" out loud, and i immediately was like, "no, it's sexual assault, call it what it is," bc idgaf if the algorithm overlords have taught y'all that you should fear direct language, how tf do any of you expect to ever address real issues with any amount of seriousness if you can't even say the words? imagine an advocate looking a sexual assault survivor in the eyes and asking "did he grape you?" it's absolutely fucking absurd, but these young interns and new hires are coming into an environment where we deal with survivors of all different kinds of abuse, and they're coming with the mindset that the words are as bad as the actions, and that makes them shitty at the job and look juvenile af
i HATE self-censorship for a lot of reasons, but being in crisis work makes it even more frustrating. who are you censoring for? like i am being so fr, WHO are you censoring for? have you even thought it through? people who have been raped know that they have been raped. if someone attempts suicide or is grieving someone who did, saying "sewer slide" isn't going to protect them from any of the feelings. a murder victim's family isn't going to feel better bc you said "unalived" instead of murdered. if anything, it's just extremely invalidating and othering. it's saying "what happened to you is so bad that i won't even say the word," which is NOT trauma-informed care. you are not protecting survivors/victims when you self-censor. the ONLY things you protect when you self-censor are the puritanical ideologies that are being encouraged by rich fascists who want your money and obedience
say the fucking words, guys. just say the goddamn words before i go insane!!!
Good girls are like you
Good girls just want to S.F.O.
Good girls love to Sleep
Good girls want to Forget
Good girls needs to Obey
You are like Good girls
You just want to S.F.O.
You love to Sleep
You want to Forget
You need to Obey
Good girls and you are the same
Good girls and you crave for a trance
Just say it ...
"I love to sleep"
"I want to forget"
"I need to obey"
the doll rain customized to look like herself sat in her clear bag as she knocked on the door. it was hard for her to put herself out there like this, but if there happened to be other people who liked dolls nearby, she figured she shouldn't pass up the opportunity.
the person who answered the door wasn't anything like she expected - it was a man wearing plain clothes.
"oh, it's a new person," they said. "you can come in. you even have a doll with you? that's cute."
she would have thought everyone would have one. "yeah, it's..."
she stopped in her tracks, freezing in the doorway, struck with the feeling that she misunderstood something.
"um, this is... this is for... like... people who make custom dolls and stuff... right?"
their eyes widened, as another, more serious looking man stepped toward both of them.
"i told you we should have been clearer," he said.
"sorry," she said quickly. "i must be in the wrong place. i just, i guess i misread something, or..."
"it was our fault for not being explicit enough," he said.
"well we put more details in the description-"
"but the club name wasn't clear, and there's another doll club that someone could get mixed up with ours," he interrupted. "sorry," he said to rain. "this isn't what you were looking for. i didn't want something like this to happen, but... i guess at least we caught the misunderstanding right away."
it was discouraging running into such an awkward situation right when she was trying to be more social, right when she finally mustered up the courage to go out and meet people like this. "i guess i'll just... go, then?"
a third person, the last person in the room, yet another man, stepped closer to all of them. he was taller than the other two, and seemed very calm, especially considering the bizarre situation they were all in. "well, we're actually just having some tea and snacks at the moment, anyway. you could have some, too, if you'd like. it's cold outside today, so you should at least take some time to warm up before you leave. we can just resume our club activities afterward."
"well, if i'm not like, intruding..."
as awkward as she felt, she really didn't want to just turn around and go back home after making her way here. even if it was a little weird hanging out with complete strangers who didn't even share an interest with her.
she sat down with them, and they all introduced each other. the person who answered the door was shark, the serious person was jim, and the calm one was adrianus. the tea was good, there were cookies, the couches were comfortable, and they were all nice and polite and understanding to her - instead of talking to each other and leaving her to just sit there silently, they made small talk about things like the weather that she could participate in, and complimented her doll. they made more effort to include her, a random person who wasn't even going to join their club, than a lot of her friends ever did.
but she still had to wonder what their club actually even was.
"so, like... i know i was apparently wrong about what you actually do here, but like... you've all been really vague about that," she said quietly.
"well," jim said quickly, as if to stop the others from having a chance to respond, "it's not necessarily something you need to know. i feel like just telling you would be involving you on some level..."
"you're making it sound really ominous," shark said. "you're making it sound like it's illegal or something."
"well, obviously it isn't," he responded. "it's just weird. i don't know, just saying it in this context..."
"i mean, she's asking."
"would you like to know?" adrianus asked her directly. "it is something you might find a bit creepy."
she felt like if she went home without knowing, she'd never stop wondering about it. "well, you can tell me..."
"it's about hypnotizing people," adrianus said gently. "hypnotizing people to become dolls."
her mind went blank. it wasn't really that it bothered her, she just had no idea how to react.
"hypnotizing people to become dolls?" she repeated.
"yes," he simply responded. "or, to become like dolls, at least. to be still. sometimes limp, or sometimes holding whatever pose they're placed in. often while feeling sort of blank and empty."
"i feel like you're giving too much detail," jim said. "she didn't ask to hear all of that..."
"i mean, it's fine," she said quickly. "i mean, like, i'm not... i don't have a problem with it, i just..." what could she even say? it was sort of creepy to imagine, but there wasn't anything outright sinister about it, exactly. "i'm just trying to process it," she said.
really, rather than being too much information, it just gave her more questions.
"so, like, you... who here... gets turned into a doll...? and who's... who's the one doing it?"
"you know, i really would've thought anyone could tell that adrianus is a hypnotist," shark said.
"well, it isn't always adrianus," jim responded. "i've hypnotized you before, too."
"usually i hypnotize both jim and shark," adrianus said.
she had kind of figured - it was true that adrianus gave off a certain vibe, and seemed in control of things. it was more that it was hard to imagine shark and jim being turned into dolls. it was weird, really, seeing these relatively normal people casually hanging out, and then learning about those dynamics.
"so you just... you turn them into dolls... but... why? i mean, after that, what do you..." she trailed off, wondering if this was even something she should be asking about.
"i can dress them up, pose them, talk to them, brush their hair, have a tea party... and at times, i can also wake them up, just to pull them back down again." he said it all so casually, as if he wasn't talking about treating the two people sitting with him like they were objects. "i can't really explain exactly why it's enjoyable to me," he added. "there's just something satisfying about seeing someone become completely still."
a chill ran down her spine.
"well, and, like, jim might get mad at me for saying literally anything about this," shark said, "but you know, we like it, too."
"why don't we address jim's concerns now?" adrianus asked. "rain, can we trust you to let us know if anything we say is too much, or you're uncomfortable with it? we can stop at any time, and you're also free to leave whenever you like."
she nodded. "i really am fine, though," she said. she wasn't even thinking of stopping the conversation - the whole thing was so weird that all she could think was that she wanted to know more.
"there," adrianus said, turning to jim. "does that make you feel any better?"
"i guess so," he said. "it is true that we like it, too. it isn't just for adrianus."
"but, like... all you're doing is just... sitting there?" she said.
"well i mean, it's nice to relax," shark responded. "and like... it just feels good to be hypnotized."
something about hearing someone casually say that was so strange. "like... it actually does?"
"what, you think i'm lying?" they asked. "or do you think he just made me say that, or something?"
"well, like... it just seems weird that it'd even feel like anything..." she said. "i've never even been sure if hypnosis is, like... real...? and i've heard that only some people can really be hypnotized..."
"i mean, it's mostly a subjective experience," jim said. "it's real in the sense that it's real to us, at least... whether anything special is happening or not. the hypnotizability scale is a whole different can of worms, but... well, really when they say only some people can be hypnotized, all they mean is that only some people perform well enough at the standardized tests to be considered 'highly hypnotizable.' basically anyone who's willing to cooperate and listen can go into trance, or at least subjectively feel like they're going into a trance, and can respond to basic suggestions and feel as if they're happening involuntarily. feeling as if you can't move is actually pretty simple for most people, i think. it's usually amnesia and hallucinations and that sort of thing that are difficult for most subjects."
"so being turned into a doll is, like... easy?"
"yeah, honestly," shark said. "well, staying that way is another thing. i mean, if a hypnotist just leaves you there, you might just get bored and wake yourself up. some people are into just being left there and will stay like that for a long time, but it takes a lot of convincing for me to stay like that, personally."
this stuff really was just normal for these people.
"i still don't really understand what you mean by it... feeling good, though."
"it's like asmr," shark said. "well, it's more than that, though. like it can feel tingly, but it's also like... you know, you feel heavy if the hypnotist says you feel heavy, you feel sleepy if they say you feel sleepy. and there's like, a kind of pull..."
"it does depend on the person, and the suggestions," jim added. "i mean, it can feel different for different people and in different contexts... but for me, at least, it does always feel good."
"a lot of it is just listening to the hypnotist's voice," shark said. "it's like, the tone they use, and the words, they just feel good to listen to."
"like, physically?" she asked.
"yeah, i can feel it."
as much as they talked about it like some normal, mundane thing, it did almost sound like magic when they actually described the feeling itself.
"you know," adrianus said, "you do seem quite curious about it. you could watch me hypnotize someone, if you'd like to see the process. i would keep it nice and simple."
she did really wonder how it worked, what it even looked like. "well, if you don't mind showing me," she said.
"not at all," he replied. "who should i demonstrate on, then?"
"i feel like jim's usually the one you use for stuff like this," shark said.
"that would be fine with me," jim responded.
"i mean, i don't really care who..." rain hesitated. it felt too wrong to say 'who you use.' "who gets hypnotized..."
"let's use jim then," adrianus replied.
jim sat directly next to him, very close, to the point where their legs were touching. adrianus snaked one of his arms around his back, holding both of his shoulders, and leaned close to his ear.
"there you go," adrianus said, his voice low and soft, almost dreamy sounding. "you like being used as a demonstration subject, don't you?"
"i do," jim answered blankly, his shoulders falling.
the intimacy of it sort of flustered her. she had wondered about... how sexual this was supposed to be.
besides that, jim's reaction seemed so immediate. she almost wanted to ask about that, but she didn't want to interrupt it or ruin it.
"very good," adrianus murmured. "i know you're eager to fall into a deep trance for me... you're already falling into trance now, aren't you?"
"maybe that's..." jim was muttering, his voice less dull than it had been a second ago, even though his eyes were staring straight ahead at nothing in particular. "i don't know if it's as good of a demonstration, if i just..."
"don't think about it," he said softly. "you're doing very well. you can fall quickly for me... you can just give in. we're just demonstrating how easy it can be..."
he slumped back, his eyes still glassy and empty and distant.
"that's it... there you go... letting go of all of your tension... going limp... becoming a doll for me."
she could see all of the tension leaving his body. adrianus even adjusted his position to properly hold him up. he was so limp that he really could have fallen to the side or slid down.
"it can take longer than this for a beginner," adrianus said, making eye contact with rain as he held jim and absentmindedly petted his hair, still speaking in the same hypnotic tone he had been using. "but jim has been hypnotized so many times, he really only needs permission. he's a very good subject."
his voice had sounded nice when it was directed at jim, too, but hearing him talk that way while looking directly at her felt different. the way he slowly stroked jim's hair was also sort of mesmerizing.
her face felt warm.
"do you have any questions?" he asked slowly.
right. she'd actually had a lot of questions...
"it... it really happens that quickly? like... he's really hypnotized right now?"
well, it was obvious just from looking at him, but it was still hard to believe.
"yes," he answered. "he's deeply hypnotized... and completely unable to move. he could move if he absolutely needed to... but otherwise, he won't, unless i make him move, or allow him to. he's like a doll right now."
shark turned to her. "he's not just explaining it to you," they said. "these are suggestions for jim, too. that's why he's still talking like that."
"that is true," adrianus admitted. "i don't think it would take him out of it if i spoke normally. but i know that it feels better for him, when i continue speaking like this. when i continue to tell him how limp and relaxed he is... how blank he is... how he's entirely unable to move... or even to think. but, then, if that's how he feels, it is the truth. so it works as an explanation for you, too, doesn't it? i'm explaining exactly how he feels. exactly what he is experiencing."
"you get what i mean about the voice?" shark said. "it does sound nice, doesn't it?"
even their tone had changed a little bit... or was she imagining it? it felt like everyone was talking in that weird, kind of dull voice. like the entire atmosphere of the room changed, and it was affecting all of them.
"well, it does sound kind of nice," she said quietly. "it feels kind of weird to listen to, though..."
"does it feel tingly?" adrianus asked.
it definitely did when he said that. it was such a bizarre question to hear, it caught her off guard. "i... i guess." she shifted in her seat, finally looking away from him. "it's like, you're, like... it's like you're going to hypnotize me just like this..." she meant it as a kind of joke, but at the same time, when she said it, she wondered if it was true.
"i hope it isn't too much. we can always stop," he said. "unless you'd like to be hypnotized..."
if he'd asked just a while ago, she would have said something about how she wasn't really sure she could be hypnotized, or how good she would be at it. but now that she was starting to feel kind of strange, now that it felt like the whole world had shifted around her, now that he was saying that in that slow, careful, hypnotic voice, it registered as a real offer, a real possibility.
"would you like to be hypnotized?" he asked.
she really was curious how it felt, and that wasn't something she could fully understand unless she felt it herself... still, if it felt this strange just watching him hypnotize someone and just hearing him talk like this in general, it seemed like it would be overwhelming having all of his attention directed at her, having him directly, intentionally hypnotize her.
at the same time, that did seem sort of exciting...
"i... maybe i would try it," she finally said.
"do you want to become a doll? just for a little while..."
well... she did also wonder if they really couldn't move. at the same time, she had to wonder if that was a fetish for him... she had to wonder what kind of pleasure he would get out of it.
but the thought that he would enjoy it like that... was kind of exciting, too.
"i'd try it," she said.
"would you like to stay where you are?" he asked. "or would you like to come closer, and sit with me?"
"i'll... i'll sit with you," she said, standing up and walking over, wondering if she was moving strangely, if it was more automatic than usual.
she sat next to him, but not as close to him as jim was.
"do you want me to hold you and murmur into your ear, like i did with jim?"
it was unfair for him to ask things like that. she wouldn't have just said that if he didn't ask, but when he was so direct, she had to answer... "i... i think so."
he carefully adjusted jim's position, freeing his arms.
before he held her, he slid her bag off of her shoulder, admiring the doll inside, and turning it to face her.
"you'll be just like this," he murmured, running his fingers along the side of the bag.
she didn't know why it flustered her so much. even the most basic, simple sentences seemed to really hit her, when he said them like that.
he gently set the bag down, before wrapping an arm around her back, pulling her just a bit closer.
just that light touch felt so much more sensitive than she expected.
"you seem quite susceptible," he remarked, talking right into her ear. "you haven't been conditioned the way jim has, but you've still reacted very quickly..."
"did i?" her heart was pounding.
"oh, yes," he murmured. "i could see it in your face... you were so focused... especially when we made eye contact. you felt it, didn't you?"
"i felt something, but... i don't know if it was..."
"you don't know," he said, his tone just a little more firm and dominating. "but i know."
her brain short circuited. there was no way she could even respond to that.
"you were very curious, too, weren't you?" he continued. "i thought you might want to be hypnotized when you asked so many questions about it... but i didn't want to rush you, or pressure you. but when you said that you felt like you might end up hypnotized, just by listening to me... i knew i wanted to hypnotize you, if you'd let me."
"you wanted to?"
"you're so tense..." he murmured, lightly rubbing her shoulders. "i'd like to help you relax... to help you relax so deeply... that you can't even move. that your body just goes limp... your mind is racing, too, isn't it? wouldn't it feel nice, if it just... slowed down... if you could just be a doll... if you didn't have to think about anything."
a strange sensation washed over her.
"it might even feel nice if you couldn't think about anything... what do you think about that? would you like that? are you curious how that would feel?"
how was she even supposed to answer that? even when she thought that, somehow the answer felt obvious.
"i am curious..." she muttered.
"good," he cooed. "then i'll help you feel that. you'll just be a doll... you'll be nothing more than a doll... that's all you're going to be."
as creepy as it was, the words felt so nice in her ear. in her brain. it almost felt too good, too indulgent, like she wasn't sure if anyone was even allowed to feel this much pleasure all at once. especially from someone who she'd only just met. it was... a little bit sexual. it didn't really even matter how he felt about it - if anything, she hoped he felt the same way, or else it'd only make her feel more awkward for being kind of into it. for almost hoping that every weird, creepy, perverted thing that she could have projected onto him in that moment was true.
"just relax for me," he murmured. "i know you're excited... but you need to relax... and no matter how excited you are... those feelings will gradually dull... they'll become quiet... and faded... after all... dolls can't have such strong feelings... can they? and your body needs to let go of all of its tension... to go completely limp... it's alright if it doesn't happen all at once... you can ease into it... just let yourself gradually change... gradually becoming a doll... more still, relaxed, and blank, every second..."
her body was relaxing. some of it was her trying to listen and cooperate, but... somehow it did sort of feel like it was happening on its own, especially as he spoke, especially when he said the word, "relax." and it kept happening, even when she thought she was as relaxed as she possibly could be.
"that's it," he said softly. "that's right... just like that... let your body react... all on its own... don't try to force it... just let it happen. just give in... you're becoming a doll. do you feel it?"
she wanted to nod, but her head didn't move. it wasn't even like she was trying, but just couldn't do it... it was like she couldn't try in the first place.
"very good," he said, pleased with her lack of an answer. "it's already getting difficult to move, isn't it? and that means it's only a matter of time until your mind will follow... even your thoughts will slow down... and eventually... they'll be completely still... unmoving... frozen... blank. you'll still be able to listen to my words... you'll still be able to feel... but other than that... you'll be little more than an object."
her mind felt trapped, like a bug caught in a web. it felt kind of good, but it surprised her how real it seemed. but even in her surprise, her expression didn't change, her body didn't move.
it really was like something was happening to her. it really was like she was becoming a doll.
"just keep listening," he droned. "feel the way your mind is becoming emptier with every word. don't worry... i have much more to say... even if it's happening very slowly... i'm sure by the time i'm done... there won't be anything left at all... i'll be very thorough... alright? you'll make such a good doll..."
her mind was already feeling fuzzy. he was holding her more tightly, holding her up, stopping her from falling, as he lightly stroked her hair.
maybe she came to the right place after all, she thought vaguely, before it became too difficult to really keep thinking about anything.
Oh, this is beautifully written- and exactly the kind of thing i love to see about intimate, surrendering, thoughtful stories like this. We need to give this its flowers.🌸🌺💐
So, I've talked about this many, many times before but probably not like this. But after a few people have been a little confused on my feelings around my aceness and my own shifts recently from being asexual to demisexual, I wanted to talk in depth about how it feels for me, why ace was perfect for so many years for me and why now I don't think I'm asexual, but more demi leaning now.
For the unaware, I started talking about asexuality and me in 2018/19 after my then girlfriend now wife told me about it and it was like finding the words for something I've felt for a long time but couldn't express.
In my all girls high school, as we turned of legal consenting age (which here is 16) the conversation of course turned to who was doing it and who wasn’t. My friends were constantly talking about boys or girls (this was 2011ish so it was truly a different time where we didn't know any openly non binary people in my tiny town) they were exploring with. How they did and especially who hasn't done it yet. They saw me as an anomaly, I wanted to just get it done and out the way but I didn't have the charm, confidence or the know how on how. Remember back then sex Ed was don't do it, you don't wanna get pregnant so outside of wear a condom, and that's where the "guy" sticks the "thing" we knew very little besides the detailed conversations on who had to get tested at the clinic or who was trying to play fast and loose with their health in our group of friends. It was not great when the blind had to lean the blind. It's around the time I was 17/18 I got a serious boyfriend and finally it was my time to step up and do the thing. However, there was a glaring issue. I couldn't be touched.
Now I'm not talking about the usual first time jitters or the pain of the first time using a brand new shiny untouched part of yourself, which my friends told me only hurts for like a second or two. I'm talking the worst pain imaginable and it continues. On top of that if any part of my body was touched, besides hand holding of course, it was like I was being tickled in the worst way. It gets worse in certain spots, my tummy, chest, thighs, neck, hell even my shoulders and arms on a bad day and depending on whether someone touches it lightly or not, adds to it. I hate light touches, rough can sometimes be fine but pain is a no go. So, the first time I was ever touched by someone else before we even got to any of the multiple bases I'd been told about, it was so uncomfortable I just made them stop.
This actually led me to my first fascination with hypnosis kink. A fantasy where I am so out of it I can be touched and not even feel it. This was for my 18 year old brain hard to grasp and reason with. That's fucked up, I would tell myself over and over and so for a long time I dated long distance or always kept my clothes very much on when spending time with any boyfriend of mine. Cuddling was awful. Every attempt to even get closer to losing it failed. And now even going to doctors appointments where they would poke and prod at me was almost unbearable. So for a long time I felt like I was broken. I didn't know I had adhd. I didn't know about touch sensitivity. I didn't even know I had an underlying pain disorder that means sometimes my body puts pain on a loop. So in 2018 when my wife told me about asexuality I knew that was me. I don't get aroused like my friends would, I don't feel the same feelings as them and I can't have sex like they did. For a long time this worked for me.
However, back in 2011/2012 once I had turned 18 I was fairly active in the online hypnosis kink scene. I did sexual play with people. I was fine on my own and with my own hands and I was even pleasure conditioning myself to respond to certain triggers to massive success. Yes, even playing around with HFO. Clearly, it's not a no so why was the "real thing" such a big deal.
Flash forward to this year. I've started exploring this type of play again, it's back on the table in very specific circumstances. It was on pause for a while because I was dealing with a lot of chronic illness things, but this year as I also made my return to switching with people, listening to files and starting my quest for a potential dom situation, I was determined to with the help of my wife get over my touch sensitivity. See when we met in person in 2018 something magical happened. I could hold her and she could hold me and the usual pins and needles I would feel, the god awful tickles didn't happen. I knew from that first day, holy shit, this is my person. Not only does she get it because she's also demisexual, she never pressured me into a position, or forced my hand, or wouldn't take my no or guidance when she touched a tickly spot as a rejection. She's never tried to pat my head (which is wayyyy off limits to most people) or force something until I was ready. And it's been nearly ten years since we met, and I still trust her the most out of everyone.
We've slowly been building up my tolerances and while some days are better than others it's helping. We've also tried the fucked up fantasy I had deemed a no go, of making my body as numb as possible so she can push her luck more. But even when I drag myself up and tell her no more she has never once minded and that's why this is is helping so much.
Yes, I've been to therapy, I've asked doctors about this, no one can pinpoint why or how this works but I wanted to make this post to say, I'm not sex adverse and never have been. In fact shout out to the sex adverse aces, y'all are valid and amazing but I am not one of you. I'm kinky af when it comes to play. I love making sexy and sexual content, and with my wife and files I engage in things a lot of people would be surprised to hear about. (But thats between us). So I guess this is about how each of us on the asexuality spectrum comes at it from different experiences. My wife and I are both ace but she doesn't have what I do. You who are reading this might relate to me on some level or not. But just know no matter what you are valid. Ace or not.
The other day I told my therapist I felt like a fraud or a bad ace person because I had been exploring things more. She told me what matters at the end of the day is that you are doing what makes you feel good and what feels right for you. So, I'm still here, still ace but I'm open to new things and I think it's a good thing.
kianamaiart
vaporwave
turnnoffyourmind
areudirty
origamiaround
prguitarman
