me sowing: haha this would be funny, to put a real situation i am in as a question for my favorite guys to answer
me reaping: oh my god help me
anyways here are the beautiful poly bounties of my birthday party question. my favorite birthday present ever. (LONG) transcript under cut.
Sam: Okay we have time for maybe two more.
Ben: Okay.
S: Do you have any favorites?
B: I like the ones that are like little stories.
Adam: Yeah, there's two that are like stories.
S: This one I haven't read through fully? D'you see the joeysnowy one? Do we do that one? I haven't read through it fully.
A: Yeah, this one's crazy.
S: (reading) "Okay, real and true life happenings," from joeysnowy, "My roommate and I are planning a joint birthday party this upcoming weekend wherein they are inviting almost everyone in their current dating setup to the party. This includes: their current girlfriend, their girlfriend's situationship--" What?? (hesitating) "their own, current situationship--"
A: Keep going, keep going.
B: There's more.
S: (giggling) "--and their situationship's fiancée. Of course, everyone here is aware of each other, and ready--" I assume, ex-situationship, right? Surely.
A: Nope, nope, keep going.
B: No, no.
S: What?!
A: Keep going.
S: (reading) "Everyone here is aware of each other, and ready to hang out fully--" (laughing) No-- It's another polyamory question--!
A: Yup, yup, keep going, keep going!
S: Okay. (laughs) Okay. "Of note, everyone here is aware of each other, and ready to hang out fully amicably, so it's not like a crazy cheating situation-- this is a full honest kitchen table polyamory. However, it's my birthday too!" (giggling) "And I'm feeling--" (wheeze) "And I'm feeling a little left out of the poly shenanigans, polynanigans?" in parentheses, "What's the best way to ensure I also have a good time at my own birthday party without feeling overshadowed by lovers everywhere?"
B: It's a difficult one.
A: Yep.
S: I don't-- think, as far as I know, any of us are very experienced in the intricacies of polyamorous relationships.
B: No…
A: No, but I think that we can answer this, just as, you know, people, doing our best. Um…
B: Well because, the person who's asking is not polyamorous. They're just surrounded.
A: Yeah, the person who's asking is just surrounded by this polyamory, right. So they have to figure out what to do.
S: Wait, so you think the question asker is not-- polyamorous at all?
B: Well, it's not implied.
A: They don't mention being polyamorous. The question asker is just roommates, and the roommate has all of this polyamory going on. Right?
B: Yeah.
A: And so the question asker is like, "I'm having a joint birthday party with my roommate, my roommate is bringing a very complex mix of polyamorous… people. Who are all connected to each other. And then also I'll be there.
S: I feel like the answer is fairly obvious, I think. Which is that the question asker needs to become polyamorous.
A: I think the question asker need to hook up with at least one of these people.
S: Right, yeah.
A: Get in the mix.
S: I mean maybe it's fine, to do it in like a monogamous way. I don't know the question asker's, kind of relationship status. But yes, I agree.
B: I mean I would feel pretty left out if this was my birthday party. See, but the problem is-- I actually, y'know, in college, I was surrounded by the good students of the Rhode Island School of Design, many of whom are in polycules. I had many a birthday full of polyamorous… lovers.
A: Here you go, okay, Ben, well, you've got it. You've got it. Answer!
B: I did! But, but. I don't know that I felt left out because they weren't all part of the same polycule. Right? Like, I think that's the thing. There's this whole group of people that's all got their thing going on! And you're just not a part of that group. Right?
A: Well, this person didn't specify-- hopefully there are other people invited to your birthday party, that isn't just your roommate, and all of your roommate's polyamorous friends. Would be my hope.
B: I think that is the key.
A: Like, ideally you can get a few people in there who aren't part of the polycule. Right.
B: Yeah. I mean maybe you just don't have that much room in your apartment, but frankly, if you don't have that much room in your apartment for you to have an equal number of people coming to this party, then that is simply not fair. And I think your roommate, despite their polyamorous ties, must not be able to bring all of these people. Or you have to find a different venue that can accommodate enough of your friends, and/or lovers. That you don't feel left out.
A: Yeah. I do think, the key here is that there need to be some people here who aren't part of the polycule. 'Cause I actually kind of think, that like, the polycule part of this can almost be set aside, and the fundamental issue you're dealing with is, "Am I gonna be at a birthday party that's for me and my roommate, but it's only people my roommate is close with?" Right? or like, it's sort of like, you know. You could even think of it, I feel like, as a group of friends. Like, if you're at a party, and all the people there are part of a circle of friends that you're not in, that would be difficult. Right. I think the fact that it's a polycule is not even necessarily… You know. The part of this that is difficult.
B: It heightens it. It heightens it.
A: It heightens it! I agree it heightens it. But I think, yeah, I think you gotta get some people outside of the polycule involved in this party. Right? Or! Or, frankly, maybe a joint birthday party is not the move. If that's not an option. Right?
B: Yeah. You might need your own birthday party.
A: Joint birthday parties are good when you have a lot of shared friends. Right.
B: mm-hm.
A: Joint birthday parties are less good if it's like, it's going to be all one person's friends, and you're there too.
S: Yeah, if you're not in the polycule, it doesn't sound good to do it joint. Do you think that like… I feel like, it would feel bad, in a polycule, to be like… I'm really not very knowledgeable in this, but I feel like it would feel so bad to be like, the situationship level person. When there's someone… Just knowing, so overtly, that you're like, tier two? In the relationship?
A: Maybe that's what you want. Because maybe you have your own primary, right?
S: Maybe.
B: I think it takes the pressure off.
A: You've got your own person who's your main partner,
S: Right.
A: and you've both got your secondary partners, to each other. But you've each got your main person. I think.
S: But is that always how it works?
A: I dunno.
B: No.
S: Does everyone always have a main person?
A: Not always. There's no rules.
S: 'Cause I feel like it would be awesome-- if you were open to polyamory, it would be awesome to be like, "Oh this person sleeps with so many people, or is in a relationship with so many people, but, they choose me. To be like their main one." You know?
B: Yeah.
A: You're number one.
S: That would feel awesome. But then the flip side of that, I feel, would feel so bad!
A: Well, but I don't know-- You're in this headspace, that I don't know that that's the case. Like, you might just be like-- I feel like, Sam you're approaching it from the mindset of someone who's not polyamorous. Right?
S: Right.
A: You have to approach it from a polyamorous mindset, of like, maybe this is totally chill for you, because you don't want this person to be your primary partner. They're just a casual thing for you and your primary partner's gonna be something else. Right? That's a different sitch.
S: Is there a difference between polyamory and being in an open relationship?
B: I think that polyamory would be the…
A: The umbrella term.
B: I think open relationships are one where people have one romantic partner, and they hook up with other people. But people who call themselves poly have multiple romantic partners.
S: Right.
A: I think that polyamory is an umbrella term that encompasses many, many different versions of having multiple romantic or sexual partners at the same time.
S: I just feel like it'd be-- In the version of this where it is multiple romantic relationships, not just sexual relationships. I just feel like that'd be very stressful. Like, maybe that's a loser mindset?
A: Well, I agree with you, but these people, clearly this is their preference, is to do it polyamory style.
S: I just feel like it's so upfront. It's just so overt how successful you are in your relationships. And I wouldn't like that. I like not knowing.
B: You like being a humble king.
S: Maybe. (hesitating) No, I just like to be delusional.
B: No, you're saying that it's like there's too much ranking.
A: You're saying that there's too much competition that's out in the open.
S: Right, exactly. It's like so overt.
B: Yeah.
S: Yes.
B: But it's not competition. And that's, y'know, you have to reach enlightenment.
S: But I feel like it would feel that way.
A: Right, I think that that's the thing. You're approaching it, Sam, from a scarcity-- You're trying to think about polyamory from a monogamous, like, scarcity mindset perspective. And I think that's the problem. Like, I think that if you like polyamory--
S: Do you think the mindset is like, the sum total of relationship? Like, you could feel satisfied if you have a lot of relationships, even if none of them are that deep?
A: I think surely for some people. Right? Surely for some people that that's something that they like. But I think it's a spectrum. It's gotta be a spectrum. What I'm saying is that I feel like what you keep expressing is like, a very like, zero-sum, competitive,
S: Sure.
A: mindset of polyamory, which I feel like is exactly the opposite of why a person would be polyamorous.
B: Mm-hm. Yeah. These people have transcended that.
A: Right.
S: That's amazing. mmkay.
A: Anyway. What's our answer. Our answer is either get some people who aren't in the polycule to the party, or, if you can't, you gotta hook up with somebody at that party. You gotta get in there.
B: Yeah. You gotta get in the polycule.
A: Get some skin in the game.
B: Like if you don't have enough friends, or lovers, you're gonna be overshadowed either way, get into the polycule.
A: Get in there.
S: Yeah. Even if you do it in a monogamous way.
A: Sure. Yeah. You can be monogamous with somebody in there, that's fine.
S: You can do monogamous sleeping around. That's allowed.
A: Great.
B: Yeah.
S: Y'know, as long as you're not-- in a closed relationship. But y'know. Yeah. That seems like a good place to end.
B: Okay, great.
A: I think we nailed that. I think we did great.
S: Kind of a climax of every "Ben Adam and Sam fix your Life"s--
A: Well there's a lot of climaxes going on in this situation (badum-tss)
B: Seemingly.
S: Look, it could just be a totally wholesome birthday party.
B: Hopefully not at the party.
S: Yeah. I hope it's completely PG. Wholesome birthday party. Y'know. Well. You're welcome, Internet.
"I'm just a girl☺️🥰💖💞💅🌺🌷🦄" when you were eight and the teacher said she needed some strong boys to carry something you used to be furious, and when you convinced them to let you help, you carried twice as many chairs as the boys with the righteous anger of a girl who knew she was just as capable as them. Where did that go?
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