This was an earlier draft of my essay about Buffyâs relationships, specifically regarding Buffy blaming herself for Angel losing his soul, written in response to this GIF post.
Buffy and Angelâs relationship is about using love as a shortcut to redemption.
Angelâs love for Buffy is rooted in his love of her innocenceâa thing he lost long ago and hopes to regain by helping her. When Buffy âloses her innocenceâ by having sex with him (her idea), Angel loses his chance to be redeemed. His mission was to help Buffy and support her. By taking comfort in her flesh, in his mind, he betrays his redemption (much like when he feeds on her in Graduation Day). He loses controlâand thus reverts to Angelusâthe version of himself that was brought about by his previous âsinfulâ vices as Liamâdrinking, womanizing, etc.
Buffyâs âsinfulâ human desireâto have sexâmeant she was not a pure and innocent mirror for him to project his redemption onto. So she blames herself. When Angel comes back in season 3, their entire relationship is based around proving their love for each other by maintaining endless virtue. By denying and repressing âsinfulâ human need and not losing control. Faith tells Buffy she doesnât like watching Faith live so freely because it shows her who she could be if she lost control. Faith is kind of a proto-Spike.
Angel and Buffyâs relationship feels âpure and innocentâ because it literally cannot be anything else. It is idealization of purityâbecause purity is uncomplicated. It requires no work, no self-reflection. Angelâs internal psychology is what determines that sex with Buffy will cause him to lose his soulânot the curse. Angelâs moment of true happiness could be eating ice cream or holding his infant son. Angel is the one who has decided sex with Buffy is the source of his redemption and damnation. And Buffy, in her tendency to take responsibility for others, sees that as her problem to fix, her burden to bear. So she resigns herself to a life of âpurityâ and tells herself itâs love. If she can give up all of her selfish, âsinfulâ desires of the flesh, then she must really love this person. But thatâs just self-abandonment.
Buffy and Spikeâs relationshipâconverselyâis about finding redemption through love. And through the flesh.
Buffy initially âusesâ Spike for sex. Wild, crazy sex. Losing control just to be able to feel. Her heavenly âpurityâ was stripped away when she was taken out of Heaven and brought back into the human world of need, desire, and âsin.â She says: âthis is Hell.â
Through sex, she seeks damnation. She wants to experience what Angel experiencedâbecoming something as damned and impure as she now feels. She wants to be liberated from purityâand the expectations to be endlessly self-sacrificing and responsible for everyone all the time. She gave her life for the world and her friendsâand they still wouldnât let her rest.
But to be liberated from purity is to be sinful, damned. Bad.
But Spike doesnât discard her or reject her. He still loves her in her badness, her impurity. And she assumes thatâs just because heâs evil and selfishânot because heâs capable of actual love. Thatâs why she always tells him he doesnât really love her. Because she canât conceive of someone loving her when she is not innocent or pure. She canât handle someone loving her for simply being Buffyâbroke, depressed, hateful, smelling of fast foodânot the righteous and ever-pure Slayer.
Spike doesnât care about redemption. He likes himself as he is. But he does care about being worthy of love. Of Buffyâs love in particularânot just anyoneâs.
Spike earns his soul not just to prove he can be worthyâhe also does it so he never again hurts the person he loves. And never again forces her to bear the burden of his actions and desires. Because, of the two of them, she should have âknown betterâ than to enter into a relationship with him (âyou know what I am and you come to me just the sameâ). By earning his soul, he becomes a person who should âknow betterâ and effectively relieves her of the burden of being responsible for his âsinfulnessââsomething Angel only does by leaving her âfor her own goodââan act of performative nobility long after the damage is already done.
Buffyâs relationship with Angel makes her olderânot wiser. It sets the stage for her being emotionally unavailable with Rileyâlest she once again take on the burden of another manâs insecurities.
Her relationship with Spike is brutal because of all the walls sheâs built around herself from her belief that sheâs not enough unless she allows herself to be completely erased and consumed into her partnerâs story.
Spike rips down all of these walls with his refusal to be the main character. He allows Buffyâs pain to be the main characterâsomething sheâs never had before. And it destroys her. She hates him for it. She hates him for loving all the parts of herself she cannot loveâall the parts of herself she has disowned. The worse she treats him, the more he loves her.
The moment Spike puts his own needs first, allows his pain to be the main character, he harms her. And in that moment he knows he cannot ask Buffy to be one to resolve his pain, to love the parts of himself he has disownedâhe must do it himself.
And, in doing so, shows her she must also do the same.
Thatâs healing. Thatâs growing. Thatâs real love.
Iâm not offering a value judgmentâjust an analysis of evolution. Angel has to go on his own journey on his show to break away from this well-meaning but dysfunctional paradigm he created. Because we all know the path to hell is paved with good intentions.
I think what we are meant to take away from Buffyâs relationships are lessons about the difference between fantasy versus reality, of innocence versus maturity, of intention versus action, of self-abandonment versus self-acceptance.
And that in order to be Chosen, you must choose yourself.
The ultimate love of Buffyâs life is Buffy. Any other answer misses the point.
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