James: I have a question.
Lily: That's dangerous.
James: It's an observation, actually.
Mary: Even more dangerous.
James: Has anyone else noticed that Sirius and Remus flirt like they're in two completely different relationships?
Marlene: Explain.
James: Sirius flirts like he's auditioning for a romance novel. Remus flirts like he's filing taxes.
Lily: ...Accurate.
Sirius: I don't know what you're talking about.
Remus: Neither do I.
James: Really? Sirius, what did you say to Remus this morning?
Sirius: Which part?
James: The greeting.
Sirius: Oh. I said, "Good morning, my gorgeous, devastatingly handsome, unfairly attractive moon."
Mary: That's... a lot.
James: Remus?
Remus: I said, "Morning."
James: That's not all you said.
Remus: I also asked if he'd remembered to eat breakfast.
James: Exactly!
Marlene: I don't get it.
James: Don't you see?
James: Sirius uses words. Remus uses acts of service.
James: It's like dating a peacock and a cup of tea simultaneously.
Lily: That is the strangest accurate comparison I've ever heard.
Sirius: Excuse you, I'm very practical.
Remus: Last Tuesday you bought me flowers because I sneezed.
Sirius: You looked like you needed cheering up.
Remus: I had dust in my nose.
Sirius: Exactly.
Regulus: Remus bought him a scarf.
James: Right!
Mary: That's normal.
Regulus: It was because Sirius mentioned, once, three months earlier, that his neck got cold.
Mary: ...
Marlene: That's somehow more romantic than the flowers.
James: Sirius says, "I'd fight a dragon for you."
Sirius: I would.
James: Remus says, "I packed you an extra sandwich."
Remus: He always forgets lunch.
James: DO YOU SEE?
Lily: I think they're both just saying "I love you."
James: Yes, but in completely different dialects.
Mary: Remus, what's the most romantic thing Sirius has ever done?
Remus: Hmm.
Sirius: This should be good.
Remus: Once I mentioned I liked a book I'd borrowed from the library.
Mary: Okay.
Remus: A month later, Sirius found a first edition.
Sirius: It took ages.
Remus: He tracked down three collectors.
James: Merlin.
Marlene: That's... incredibly sweet.
Sirius: Well, he liked it.
James: Remus, what's the most romantic thing you've done for Sirius?
Remus: I reorganized his notes.
Everyone: ...
Mary: That's it?
Sirius: That was the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.
Remus: They were impossible to read.
Sirius: He color-coded them.
Remus: They were becoming a safety hazard.
Sirius: He made me an index.
James: You're crying.
Sirius: Mind your business.
Marlene: Wait.
Marlene: Sirius cries because Remus made him an index...
Marlene: ...but when he got detention for setting a tapestry on fire he didn't even blink.
Regulus: Correct.
Marlene: Fascinating.
Lily: I have a theory.
James: Go on.
Lily: Sirius wants to be adored.
Sirius: True.
Lily: Remus wants to be understood.
Remus: Also true.
Lily: So Sirius showers him with affection.
Lily: And Remus quietly notices everything.
James: Oh!
James: Like yesterday!
Sirius: James.
James: Sirius said, "Remus, you're beautiful."
Sirius: That's normal.
James: And Remus responded—
Remus: Don't.
James: —"You've got ink on your left sleeve."
Mary: That's not flirting.
Sirius: It absolutely is.
Mary: Explain.
Sirius: He noticed.
Remus: You always get ink on your left sleeve.
Sirius: See?
Mary: I don't.
Regulus: You have to speak fluent Remus.
James: I'm conversational.
Lily: I'm intermediate.
Marlene: I'm hopeless.
James: Observe.
James: Sirius, compliment Remus.
Sirius: Gladly.
Sirius: Moony, you're the smartest, kindest, most wonderful person I've ever met.
Remus: Thank you.
James: Remus, your turn.
Remus: Pads, you've been rubbing your shoulder all morning because you slept on it wrong.
Sirius: ...
Remus: I borrowed a heating charm book from the library.
Sirius: ...
Remus: I marked the page you'd need.
Sirius: ...
Mary: Why's he frozen?
James: Give him a second.
Sirius: I'm being loved.
Lily: Yes.
Sirius: Horribly.
Remus: Efficiently.
Sirius: I can't believe you noticed.
Remus: You winced every time you reached for something.
Sirius: I love you.
Remus: I know.
Sirius: No, you don't understand.
Remus: I literally do.
James: Every time.
Regulus: Every single time.
Marlene: They're so weird.
Mary: They're disgustingly perfect.
Lily: They really are.
Mary: Should we leave them alone?
Sirius: Yes.
Remus: Please.
James: Absolutely not. I'm emotionally invested now.
Regulus: So is everyone else.
Sirius: I hate all of you.
Remus: You don't.
Sirius: ...No, I don't. But I do want five uninterrupted minutes with my boyfriend.
James: Fair enough.
James: We'll stand over there and watch quietly.
Sirius: PRONGS.