marvel

okay but can we have a round of applause for my girlfriend wanda maximoff ?

[slythershits]

clint: i’m cold

natasha: here, take my jacket

wade: i’m cold

peter: what? [taking off jacket] i told you to bring more layers but of course you didn’t listen and [piling scarves on him] now look, i’ve got to make sure you don’t FREEZE to death [taking somebody else’s hat] how long have you been cold you should’ve said something sooner

[slythershits]

tony, threateningly: it’s your word against mine

peter: let’s do it

tony: what?

peter: you selected the word "what." big mistake, bro. i choose "shenanigan."

[slythershits]

wade: i didn’t drink that much last night

matt: you were flirting with peter

wade: so what? he’s my boyfriend

matt: you asked him if he was single

matt: and then cried when he said he wasn’t

[slythershits]

johnny: so did you kiss deadpool?

peter: no, the moment wasn’t right. look, this man could actually be my future husband. i want our first kiss to be amazing.

johnny: awe, that’s so sweet. so you chickened out like a little bitch?

[slythershits]

matt: wade is at that special age where there's only one thing on his mind

peter: girls?

matt: homicide

[slythershits]

tony: i don’t think i can spend another second of my day, and possibly my life, talking about you and deadpool

peter: huh

peter: most people find us adorable, but okay

[slythershits]

johnny: it’s not a big deal i’ve seen peter’s stuff like, a million times

wade: why haven’t i seen it?

johnny: why would you want to see it

wade: he’s my best friend! what if petey gets into an accident? what if he’s horribly disfigured and i have to identify him, and all that remains are his private parts? and i’m standing there saying, “sorry sir, I can’t help you. because no, I haven’t seen his penis.” and boom, he’s buried in an unmarked grave

johnny:

johnny: again, why would you want to see it

[slythershits]

peter: i’m a nerd. i’ve never fit in. if we’d met in high school, you wouldn’t have even noticed me.

wade: that’s just because i never went to class. i wouldn’t have seen you

[slythershits]

wade, to peter: stop being so mean to me or i swear to god i’m gonna fall in love with you

[slythershits]

steve: you don’t want to date me. i’m a handful

bucky, looking down at his amputation: just stick whatever’s left over of you up my ass and we’ll be aight

[slythershits]

“don’t talk out loud. you’ll lower the iq of the entire city.”

-tony stark, to wade wilson, right before mr. wilson asks for mr. stark’s approval for him to ask his son for his hand in marriage (mr. stark said not to mention this in the transcript, but he did, in fact, use his repulsor beams to blast mr. wilson out of the tower)

[transcript by karen]

[slythershits]

peter: did you stab that guy ??

wade: no. should i ? i can go back-

[slythershits]

preserum steve: what are you, two ?

bucky, snorting: yeah, two heads taller than you

steve:

bucky:

steve:

steve: *lunges for bucky’s neck*

[five minutes later]

bucky, holding steve up like rafiki and simba: are you done being mad ?

steve: ...yes

bucky: if i set you down, will you attack me ?

steve: no ! why would i do such a thing ?

bucky:

bucky: so five more minutes, then ?

steve: probably for the best

[slythershits]

bucky: what are you, two ?

steve: yeah, two heads taller than you

bucky: *narrows eyes*

[five minutes later]

bucky, hanging on their windowsill outside their bedroom, banging on the glass: leT ME IN YOU FUCKING COWARD

steve, scrambling for the door: i was jOKING

[slythershits]

peter b parker, stuffing his mouth with food: the future is meaningless but pasta is now

wade, nodding sagely and taking notes: what about the past ?

peter, licking his fork: i had vodka ‘n cheerios for breakfast if that’s what you mean

[slythershits]

peter, looking in the first aid kit: WHY WOULD YOU FILL IT WITH CHEETOS?

wade, bleeding out: i thought it was funny at the time

[slythershits]

peter: are you- are you okay ?

wade, laying facedown in the floor of their living room: i’m just having a little me time