Miss Lily, I feel so lost and alone. I thought I was strong and had moved on from wounds made in me years and years ago, but they were opened again suddenly last year and it's still feeling as if they're fresh. I feel such a need to be surrounded with care, but I can't bring myself to ask for the same reassurances over again much more than I already do out of fear of becoming more trouble than I'm worth to friends who are already stretched thin in their own lives. I don't know how much of the care I need I can get, and I don't know how to turn the care I get into getting better. Where can I go from here?
yeah it's like that sometimes, gorgeous. I tend to despise kitschy terms like "healing journey" because it gives people the wrong idea, it's more like a lifelong process and there's a lot of +1hp -5hp -10hp +5hp +3hp. it can be voluntary and involuntary in the same way that breathing can.
your wounds reopen sometimes, but you get better at having them. you're worried that you're back at square 1, I get it, but you're not. when you first got them, everything happened all at once and they were fresh and new, but you've born them for years now. you may or may not be able to feel that right now, but the way you feel doesn't erase your years of work.
you've said "I just can't bear it anymore", you felt that it was true, but you did. you bore it. you know what it's like to do something that you absolutely cannot do.
you're stronger than you know. this isn't to say that you have some secret well of hidden strength that you can draw from, tho you might have that, but to say that I can see your strength easier than you can. it's a benefit of having my head above the water, you are drowning but I can see that you're not too far down to reach the surface.
I'm going to tell you what you already know
TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS DUMMY
every and I mean every single transfem does this. it feels like I give people shit for it nine times a week, I'm literally so proud of my friend for saying this she's been working on it for months
you are not doing them a favor by pretending to be okay. as the friendly local bitch who wants to help, I get why it happens but it's truly very frustrating to me. I can only do much to try to see past your attempts to hide.
you're not wrong that you have to strike a balance, I won't pretend that complaining endlessly has no repercussions, but erring on the side of caution here is erring on the side of being alone in your misery. you have to actually strike a balance, you can't just always take the option that feels safer.
I wish I had a magic phrase that would reassure you perfectly with a single utterance, but I don't. what I can do is give you the same reassurance over and over again until you feel comfortable trusting it. you'll need it less and less over time and then, one day, we'll laugh about how insecure you used to feel. how silly you were to worry.
we can work together to get there :)
p.s. this is a case where "thank you for being patient with me" is a great replacement for "I'm sorry I bothered you". everyone loves to be told that they helped their friend, it's a gift that you can give.
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