the worst snowflake @smmercat - Tumblr Blog

last week I turned 34 and i got married! it might have been the happiest birthday and happiest day of my life.

we had 12 people at our wedding, had our ceremony in our favorite park by the ocean, and had a lot of champagne and Indian food. i just wish i could relive it over again because it was so fun, so easy, and i felt so loved. green chrysanthemums.

it sounds a bit sad, i think i’ve always been pretty independent and happy alone, but i didn’t realize how lonely i was until i met my partner (husband?!??) and i’ve never felt alone since.

“love me because nothing happens” - a line from one of my favorite Leonard Cohen poems. i so much look forward to the future and growing old together.

a further fall update:

- what I thought was symptoms of allergic asthma actually turned out to be heart irregularities so now I am waiting for referral for a cardiologist

- as a result I had to stop taking my sleep medication which doubled as an antidepressant so it take me 3 hours fall asleep every night

- we bought our wedding bands and we are 5 months away from getting married and I can’t wait

- my work announced there may be layoffs in January which are entirely outside of my control no matter what I do and doesn’t help my stress situation

- i just want to be healthy and financially stable at this point but the universe said “fuck you”

- allergic asthma has me thinking I am going to die (am I the only one who gets fall allergies?)

- the first week of actual fall weather has given me a reality check – maybe summer wasn’t that bad?

- i am going to go try on a wedding dress tomorrow. i am not looking forward to it

- attending other people’s weddings has made me resent planning my own (although it is more like an elopement)

- i don’t want to fly for like at least another year. I am so tired of airports

a summary of fall thoughts thus far

an exciting end of summer update: i am engaged! it’s been a week, the novelty isn’t wearing off yet. i never thought i would be that girl, but here i am, grinning. it’s funny because not much has changed, i think we knew we’d spend the rest of our lives together, but the symbolism feels good.

4 years ago we met (i had told myself it would be my last date after a brief, avoidant relationship and summer of giving no fucks), but after our first date which lasted about 19 hours, i just never really left. it doesn’t feel like 4 years, it feels like triple in the way that i think we know each others souls (how corny).

i never thought i could feel so loved, safe, and at home with another person. i am so lucky and thankful.

i am calling in sick tomorrow or at least lying that I can’t come in to the office, but simply for the reason that today felt like the first day of full on summer — the many layers of sunscreen (although my back is still burned), i rode my bike down to the beach, and i had my first swim of the season.

i tucked in my partner for bed early because there’s just something about this time of year, I want to sit outside and stay up late and breathe in the ocean air… longingly!

god forbid a girl daydreams. sometimes i miss the days of living in my own apartment for that reason, but it doesn’t outweigh what i have now.

tonight I said “i am sorry, i will take my life more seriously in a year or two, i promise.” because it all feels a bit blurry but i think we tacitly know what we both want, it’s just not in our favour right now.

anyways it’s late. It’s hot and sticky, I don’t like the feeling of the fan or the sheets touching me so it will be a restless night like in a romantic way.

i think all i wanted for the longest time was peace and quiet, now that i have it.. it can feel boring at times, but I know it’s for the best. it is okay to feel safe.

this last weekend has confirmed i never ever ever ever want to have a wedding. i never thought i would want anything big in general, but now i know that the stress of trying to make everyone else happy and trust other people to do the right thing is just not worth the trouble.

i hope we can elope to the seaside and be left alone.

nitratekisses

God is real God is real I'm not kidding God is actually real I'm not kidding this time I think God is actually for real God is real God is actually real God is real I wouldn't joke about this I'm not kidding this time

i am 33 today! i had a croissant from my favorite french bakery, i bought a new perfume, i went out for Italian food, and i smelled the lavender tree outside my apartment.

truthfully, i read my post from last year on my birthday & most of those feelings still resonate with me. i feel unaccomplished – i haven’t progressed my career, i am no closer to home ownership, i haven’t done much. i try to comfort myself by saying other people must feel the same way too (babe we are in a recession probably right?), but i don’t feel any better.

it’s corny but i need to remember how “rich” i am in good things in my life. these last 5 years since the start of the pandemic have been the happiest years of my life despite all of the awfulness. I love my friends, i love my family, i am good at my job, and I love where i live.

i have a loving partner who i can’t wait wait to spend the rest of my life with. he makes me coffee every day, he goes on Pokémon walks with me, he buys me flowers, and he makes me laugh so much. i think i am less scared of growing old simply because I will be with him. the poem “having a coke with you” by frank o’hara is always on my mind.

i don’t often like myself for many reasons, but I know i like myself much more than i did before. i feel much more whole. i know I want more for myself and I know more will come if I am patient, but i need to remember to slow down and enjoy the good things that are here now. it’s okay.