all herps, all the time

rachel | 21 | tx part time college student, full time snake mom (or snom) i have two kiddos at the moment, whose tags are linked below. i'm currently studying for a degree in wildlife management, so feel free to message me about all kinds of animals (or anything really), not just the scaly ones :) peach & pascal here is a list of things i tag in my posts; if you want something tagged so you can block it just message me!

[justnoodlefishthings]

dear PetSmart employees i love you and you are all valid but when i ask for 10 crickets i really do mean like 10ish please don't be nice and give me 30 but only charge me for 10 because I have no need for the extra crickets

[snaeksthetic]

i work at The Other Pet Store but the experience is the same: i will not count them and u can’t make me

[eatpussypraylove]

Sometimes as a woman it’s important for you to wake up late and be alone in the house on a cloudy cold day with your feelings.

[sketchshark]

Someday, son.

[mylordshesacactus]

So my family has a Gay Pirate Plate.

Stay with me.

We do not know how the hell the Gay Pirate Plate was first acquired. This being a point of contention is actually pretty plot-relevant; the saga of the Gay Pirate Plate began with my grandmother and her sister, who, for some ungodly reason, both BADLY wanted the Gay Pirate Plate and believed it to be rightfully theirs.

I should back up, firstly, to establish: The Gay Pirate Plate is the cheapest, tackiest, ugliest plate in existence.

It is in no way a collector’s item. It is physically impossible for it to complement anyone’s decor, because the colors in it are garish. It’s just a ceramic plate with a gay pirate painted on it, and the painting is, this cannot be emphasized enough, extremely bad.

(How do we know the pirate is gay if he’s just posing on a plate? Listen. Fully 100% to stereotype, but he is. He is gay. There’s an energy. That pirate is a flaming homosexual. That pirate has sex with men and does it frequently. That pirate is fucking gay, all right, he just is.)

Anyway. The point is that this is an extremely cheap and ugly plate with a poorly-executed painting of pirate on it who is like a nine on the Kinsey scale.

My grandmother and her sister fought a blood feud over this plate for their entire lives. It would be on the wall in my grandma’s house, and then her sister would visit, and then it would be gone. She’d visit her sister and the plate would be on the wall and her sister would pretend it had always been there. She would steal it back, hang it up, and, when her sister visited, pretend it had always been there. This continued for DECADES.

When the sister died, the Gay Pirate Plate lived triumphantly in my grandmother’s house. And then my grandmother died. And my aunt, who had lived with her and been her carer throughout her life, rightfully inherited their house.

We visit my aunt after the funeral and stay with her for a week or two.

Me, my sister, and our dad. Her brother.

The three of us look at each other. We don’t say anything. We studiously avoid making eye contact with the Gay Pirate Plate mounted proud and ugly on the wall. We notice one another studiously avoiding looking at it. We notice one another noticing. We say nothing. We come to a silent consensus. We pack up to leave. We get in the van. Our aunt comes out to say goodbye. I loudly announce I need to use the restroom before we leave. She obviously stays outside to continue talking to my dad.

I take down the Gay Pirate Plate, stuff it under my oversized sweatshirt, go outside, and get in the van. She happily waves goodbye as we drive off.

Two days later my dad gets a phone call that opens with hysterical laughter and “You FUCKING ASSHOLE did you seriously STEAL THE PLATE–”

Anyway. The gay pirate plate lives in my dad’s house currently.

But he’s trying to get me and my sister out to visit him. And plate mounts are cheap.

[mylordshesacactus]

The rules of Gay Pirate Plate are simple by the way.

The plate must be clearly and openly displayed in a place of great prominence whenever it is in your possession. When it is not in your possession, the display piece must remain in place. This is where you would put your gay pirate plate, IF YOU HAD ONE.

No active steps may be taken to prevent the theft of the Gay Pirate Plate. That goes against the spirit of the game, as does attempting to hide it.

The plate MUST be stolen and cannot be gifted or removed with permission. Should you witness attempted theft of the Gay Pirate Plate you are required to intervene and return it to its place.

Every time your sibling successfully absconds with the Gay Pirate Plate, you must respond with indignant fury, as if you have not also repeatedly and blatantly stolen the Gay Pirate Plate.

[mylordshesacactus]

WOE

PLATE BE UPON YE

[anchovy]

I'm a big fan of Elephant Trunk Snakes they look like a seal was turned into a snake as a punishment by a genie

[slowlikehoney1996]

t shirt that says “i used to be worse”

[angeldelatierra-deactivated2016]

*whispers into my coffee cup* help me

[memewhore]

[aflo]

vape nation

[great-and-small]

Marrying into the Fluker family to become part of America’s largest cricket jelly dynasty

[ampervadasz]

[were-ralph]

WHAT THE FUCK HELLO???

[nulikkaprinssi]

[nulikkaprinssi]

this is the only good post i will ever make

[ndiecity-deactivated20241101]

Thoughts on fish? Specifically Bettas

I like bettas I wish they didn’t sell them in shot glasses

[snaeksthetic]

[snaeksthetic]

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

I don’t think there should be an upper limit to the size of toads

[twiceroyaldove]

can’t help you there but i was delighted to find out what the lower limit is! the pumpkin toadlet is so small it can’t land its jumps

[chaumas-deactivated20240115]

my opinion of 99% of cryptozoology fell dramatically when I started working at a park and I saw just how clueless most people are about wildlife. I get reports from visitors all the time about “unnatural” animals and it’s like Pliny the Elder himself is describing minks and woodchucks to me.

[figdays]

Dont Step On Bugs Print // AlwaysSmileyStudio