Written by a friend of a friend whom shall remain namelessā¦
1) Do what youāre told. Not just when you want to, not just when itās easy, but every single time. If youāve suddenly decided youāre a free agent thatās a conversation for negotiation in whatever format that takes in your dynamic. Until then, less talking, more obeying.
2) Keep your commitments. If me/you/we have decided on a certain protocol youāre expected to follow through. Nothing sucks the magic out of a D/s interaction faster than when BOTH people let protocols lapse and drift by the wayside. If you act like a part-time sub expect to be treated like one.
3) Try to be just a little less self-centered. The journey of submission is all about YOU, I get it. Truthfully all of us Doms get it, but there is an illusion here that needs to be maintained, and when every check-in boils down to how things are going for you and you donāt bother to ask, āHow are you, are you satisfied, are you getting what you need out of me, how can I improve our shared experience?ā It makes you look kinda shallow.
4) Donāt compare yourself to other people. Whether youāre poly or monogamous, every time you look at another person and say: āIāll bet he likes them more than me.ā Youāre essentially saying āI donāt trust you, I donāt trust us, I donāt really believe that you want me like you say you do.ā We are with you for a reason. Not receiving the desire we feel for you is deeply insulting.
5) Sacrifice. This is the deeper side of D/s, itās where the givers separate themselves from the users. There is nothing that builds a connection faster than doing something unpleasant, when you donāt want to, without being asked, without seeking praise. Itās also very easy to take for granted, which is why you should take your time and donāt give yourself to a Dom whoās a shithead.
6) Own your tantrums. You have feelings, deep intense feelings, if you didnāt you probably wouldnāt be a sub. I encourage you to learn to track when the kettle is about to boil so together we can point the steam in a safe direction. When you fuck up though, and I get a face full of hot water, and you say bad things, you need to accept that in the morning youāll be held accountable for the things you said even if you didnāt really mean them. This can be a tough pill to swallow, which brings us to our next point:
7) Take it with grace. Ritual and submission are amazing tools to refocus the mind and de-escalate emotions, but the collar is not a magic ring, YOU make the magic. You make it by catching yourself, by breathing into your rituals, by transforming frustration and stress into submission and present moment awareness. Each repetition is a form of emotional alchemy much in the same way that CBT thought-stopping is, (thatās Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, not Cock and Ball Torture, you perverts).
8) Help us to evolve. Iām talking about recognizing that every human being is a little bit lost in their own way, and the difference is that Doms donāt have someone constantly fixating on how to guide us into being better versions of ourselves. Deftly guiding power figures in the directions they need to go is the forteā of the masterful submissive, and the difference between that and manipulation is that you always have the personās own interests at heart, even when they conflict with your own. Itās easy to love a Dom as an archetype or a caricature, but to evaluate a whole human being, and desire to kneel for them anyways is the deepest expression of love. You and I may have different toolboxes, but we are building the same house.
9) Stick around. Fact is, most subs vanish as soon as the honeymoon wears off. This phenomenon of women who beg for submission then pull the ripcord at 3-7 months once itās no longer all about them makes Doms cynical, hard, and reluctant to engage, and further shrinks the pool of the few decent guys who can do this stuff well. I think a lot of this stems from the idea that Dominance is something thatās being done to you, and not with you. If you empower yourself as a co-creator of the dynamic, youāll be able to make it last longer. I think it might also stem from the fact that a good chunk of lifestylers (both Dom and sub) are emotionally broken jackasses. Sorry, Iām a dick.
10) Cut us some āeffin slack for god sakes. Being a Dom is a LOT of work, it requires time, focus, and a wide open emotional bandwidth. It takes discipline to hold your ground when things are difficult, knowing that if you repair them with vanilla ābargainingā tactics you will also dissolve the dynamic in the process. As a sub starts to see you as more human, it gets harder. When she/he gets to the āresistanceā stage of the relationship, it gets harder. As real life starts to throw you curve balls, it gets harder. Aside from the emotional aspect of things, what it takes to keep things fresh and interesting is an aspect that is hard to appreciate until youāre the one in charge. The thing they donāt tell you about being a Dom is that even if you have the gravitas to make a girl melt, if you donāt have the creativity to constantly invent and reinvent new twists on a very old theme, youāre just a tall dark stranger standing there with your dick in your hand. Sometimes I think this is why geeks end up being better Doms than their smokey eyed, jack-booted, ātrue domā counterparts.
The point here is that the big āDā takes more than you think and there are going to be days, even weeks when weāre not going to be able to pull it off. I can tell you from experience that nothing means more to a Dom than when you still keep your rituals even through the thin times. Holding that space shows your strength, and you can take tremendous pride in serving with poise where your vanilla counterpart might be nagging and whining. With your devotion you pull us back like a compass, beckoning towards what is truly important, this secret journey of trust and growth that we are both on together.
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