No one really truly knows about my “paraphilia” I put it in quotes because a paraphilia is inherently sexual but mine isn’t, well.. it is about sex but it isn’t what I get off on, I know what I’m into and it’s not Rape, I just want that, I have a future so it’s hard to fully commit to being some kind of drugged out prostitute, I know I may not even make it as a vocalist and In that case that’s fine it’ll crush me but it’s just what happens you know, and I don’t wanna get my hopes up who knows if I’ll crack under the pressure, No matter what I’m doing some kind of sex work, not for pleasure or a sick sense of importance, some kind of desire but because I don’t know, if I’m being totally honest I’m not like depressed or anything but I get these thoughts of being raped and abused, a drugged out prostitute the only way I can describe it is how house which somehow has become a very useful sense of relatability within its representation of like hallucinations and shit is, I doubt I’m psychotic but I’ve had “source mems” and imagine being abused, it was tamer I mean I never even really watched porn only when my ex at 15 & 16 involuntarily make me do things and show me porn she would obsess over sex and stuff so it’d put me off and still does, she’s not why I’m this way though, but I’m always scared of why I am like this, I don’t get laid or anything I barely get attention maybe it’s something my mind did to cope with that because I was pretty lonely as a kid & into my early teens, even now I have few friends that I’m grateful for of course but I can’t help but know that I really truly do hope soon I’ll end up sleeping around, sure I’d hate to get an std but maybe it’ll fulfill whatever I actually have issues with because even when I’m distracted later into the day especially if I’m around family I’ll get upset with myself because sometimes those thoughts and shit they play in my mind, I feel vulnerable all of a sudden and I’m distracted I can’t laugh or have fun.. sure I’ll pretend or I’ll force myself to keep enjoying myself but it’s over for me, I feel small and I wanna curl up in my bed and imagine being raped again like I do every day. Never understood why, people just assume I have some weird ass perverse sexual preferences, I find it scary, like I’ve said a million times before I like the struggle, the pain, especially if I’m intoxicated in the situation too, I’m still crying, still sleepy and terrified, the pain is unbearable I feel it all, it may not be real but I feel it, everything in that moment is real to me, I know it isn’t deep down but that’s just what maladaptive daydreaming does/is, but I know this isn’t all it’s fault, what I’m daydreaming about says more about why than the daydreaming itself anyone could daydream, but I doubt everyone is daydreaming about being drugged out, raped and prostituted, basically sex trafficked, it’s stupid because even if I do make it in music, I’ll make porn, I’ll find a way to express that shit stuck inside me that won’t ever go away, it’s not as if I truly want it to leave either, I hate being ashamed to say I want to be sick, I wanna be a little drugged out prostitute, a fucking junkie with little wrists, short hair guys always tug and stroke when they hurt me, I wanna be intoxicated with every kind of drug while I’m taken advantage of. I know that doesn’t make me a bad person and I don’t give a shit if other people think it does, because I didn’t want this, I don’t want whatever made me this I don’t want any of it but I know it’ll end up killing me, I never want to I guess “hallucinate” a guy telling me to lay back down, to spend hours in bed practically role playing with myself. Idk
