My So Called Adult Life

These are the trials and tribulations of my so called adult life

[minax-x]

maybe...

[poppyseedxoxo]

[sociallyachameleon]

Oh, I haven’t felt that in a minute

I was driving and a sensation ripped through my body that I have not felt in a minute. A and I called it a zing. This one was strong and I have only ever had it with him. A feeling that would go through my chest like an electrical wave of pleasure. Typically when we were talking, sometimes when I was thinking of him but rarely was it out of the blue.

I had the windows down on the highway singing a song and was fleetingly happy. Then I felt it. Like a calling card of him thinking about me and it brought tears to my eyes. I thought I was past this. Thought I was trying to find the zing with someone else. But the pain of him ghosting me still guts me because he is my first love. I missed him instantly then chided myself. He doesn’t get this part of me. I will share it with someone who will cherish me, or so help me god.

[sociallyachameleon]

Well I have gone and fucked myself.

I have strict compartments that people go in. One of them is the never going to happen romantically category. An example of these people are coworkers. I do not date coworkers. I have seen it crash and burn so many times that I do not want that drama in my life.

Well with this whole N thing, I subconsciously I have let him out of his box, and that has fucked me.

First: I was minding my own business fixing the printer at work because I am the only one that has years of experience coaxing this machine to work. And I was on my knees trying to get a stuck peice of paper out of the rollers and N sneaks up to me bends over my shoulder, crouches down with me and whispers in my ear "Do you do all of your best work on your knees?" Cue the blushing and I respond with "Wouldn't you like to know." As he chuckles and walks away.

Secondly: And this is all on me but I had a dream about him. Oh it was vivid, he drove me from RI to I think MA as it seemed like we were on the porch at the camp, but eventually it morphed into my childhood home. The highlights of the dream include:

Him and I sitting next to each other on the bed working on laptops as we both worked from home

Him falling asleep on my shoulder

Making out and him taking his shirt off, only for my mom and sister to come home, making him freak out as he has never met them, them not caring that he and I are in a state of undress. Him being mortified and not wanting to come out and meet them.

Him falling asleep in my lap while I run my hands in his hair.

Him waking up and being mad at me because this is the first time he has ever fallen asleep on the clock let alone twice and is jokingly being mad at me, but I can see the panic in his eyes.

Now this is where I know it was all a dream because it went off the rails. His little sister age 5/6 showed up, and he was all in a tizzy about being a burden on my family with the both of them there. He takes care of her and felt like he had to do everything. I made him lay down and take a nap telling him "We all love having you and your sister here, and we can watch her while you take a break"

Then I walked out played games and did crafts with this cute kid.

When he woke up he walked out all disheveled and without a shirt, then he ordered dinner for all of us, refused to let us pay him back, and he ordered something none of us had ever had but we all seemed to love it.

Then the night went on we put his sister to bed and he and I talked about when to go back to RI because that is where my car is, and work. I fell asleep on his chest.

That was the gist but it cracked a part of me open that I hate. I feel like I am letting my defenses down and I hate this feeling. I know that all of this is my subconscious and not him, but it is making me feel like I don't want to be alone anymore and that is dangerous for everyone. I don't want to have heart eyes for him, and I don't want to reek of desperation. I barely know this man as he has more walls than I do. But that is good because I don't date coworkers. I need to somehow kill this crush before I do something dumb, or get ahead of myself and he doesn't feel the same. I just feel out of control about this and this dream really scared me.

[sociallyachameleon]

I hate my brain.

Today N comes up to me and says “I have good news!” - here comes my eye roll and snarky comment.

He proceeds with “You know how I have been trying to get you to move to RI. Well both of my neighbors are moving out so you can move into my building. And the guy at the end of the hall is moving out too, so three apartments are opening up for you. We can be neighbors. This is not a reflection of how I am as a neighbor”

Side note. D at work has been making comments about how N is always flirting and he makes comments about us being together. Well I think the kool-aid is starting to get to me.

I reply with “Why do you you want to be neighbors with me? So that you can come over and eat the dinner I make every night? Oh we can car pool too!”

N “Maybe I just want to borrow a cup of sugar”

Now N started the day with “I had a dream about my ex yelling about my dirty shoes and we have been broken up for years”. That came out of left field and felt more like a hey you know I’m single right?

Now getting back to my brain and why I hate it so. All I could think of for the rest of the day was him and I being neighbors - and more than neighbors. Here is the highlight reel

Him coming over for dinner every night and him not letting me do the dishes because I cooked

After dinner movies on the couch - starting at opposite ends of the couch for the first few visits but eventually sitting together with his feet on the coffee table and my head on his shoulder.

Him waiting in the hallway every weekday to go to work. Us fighting about who drives knowing I let him win because I am sick of driving and he is scared of my driving.

Windows down hair whipping the in the wind as we drive to work in the summer, with the music loud.

Him letting me take his car to get coffee, as he starts his work day an hour before I do.

Him picking me up at the front of the building after the gym, he goes for an hour while I finish work and we go home together.

Knowing dinner is ready at 7:30 and he shows up freshly showered and I am the only one at work that knows what his hair looks like not done.

Him complaining that I went to CT / MA / NY for a few days because he was bored and wanted to watch a few episodes of our show we are watching. Secretly it’s because I’m a better cook.

Switching apartments to sleep in, I end up leaving pillows at his place because it’s too much work to bring them back and fourth.

“I picked this up for you because I saw you were low”

Coming home from a long hard day and both knowing what it was like so I don’t have to talk about it. He just snuggles up rubs my shoulders and lets me decompress in the dark quiet.

“Borrowing a cup of sugar”

Helping decorate and repair things at each others

Rent is too high let’s be roommates” , “I like your place better” , “I’ll take the second bedroom as I’m not here as much as you” , “keeping the room rotation up for 3 months then just sharing the master”

Hey I’m running errands you want to go?

Can you please make xxx for dinner? I’ve been craving it.

Do you think people at work have noticed?

I just hate how this will be in my head for days and I feel crazy for thinking it. I hate how I like the feeling of this fantasy. I hate that underneath the snark I am a softie that wants this companionship so badly. Hating that I have butterflies around him. Hating that I’m probably imagining all of it.

[paper-wounds]

[vexheart]

[sociallyachameleon]

The month of my birth, the age I turn this year, it felt like a sign

[paper-wounds]

[sociallyachameleon]

My first love with one sentence: “no matter what I do to you, you always love me still.”

My second love with silence and disappearance: “ “

[lonergirlmonologue]

"i fucked myself up getting attached to you."

[xialiuyi]

#mood

SHORESY | 1.01 • Never Lose Again

[vintage-tigre]

[cringecorp]

they say you can't pour from an empty cup but i've been doing it my whole life and aside from all of these mysterious ailments it's working out great for me

[heartnosekid]

mooncat on ig

[sociallyachameleon]

All he said to me was I really like your nail color. I am newer to the team and this is honestly the nicest thing he has said to me in the last 10 months. And for a guy to notice my nails changed was what really threw me off. But as soon as he complimented them I got a lump in my throat. All I thought of was Alex. Alex picking my nail colors for me, because there are too many choices. Having a reminder of him with me daily. Now I have to bring nails back to me and not think of him. It hurts that he has ghosted me. And with everything else I am dealing with I want to lean on him. But I cannot. I honestly think I imagined the whole thing. I am trying to date but I hate everyone. I hate how I am not comfortable with them and have a hard time opening up. Why can’t I find someone to tolerate me?

[deadladyflowers]

[anxietyproblem]

[sociallyachameleon]

I absolutely love a hot coffee nap. You make the perfect cup of coffee, sip and savor the first 1/4, chug and down the rest. Get comfy on the couch or back in bed. Go back to sleep, it is honestly the best nap.

[yessoupy]

GOD I just want to be CREATIVE but all my energy is being used to survive

[cries-havoc]

this is one of those "you put it into words" kind of posts. right on.

[thememedaddy]