deadbeat.

you showed me love, glory from above, regarded dear - f.o.

[cinemaphileadict]

Alfie (2004) directed Charles Shyer

[supidosan]

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[sodeling-blog]

// @skywhi

jo’s been places before, over cold balconies, under strangers, over assholes. the inside of her brain? looking in from out. that shit’s weird. that’s the shit she didn’t sign up for. fact it, she hasn’t been properly trashed in a minute. it’s not a bad thing but it’s a weird thing. it’s a not-her thing. a not old her thing because she’s becoming a new person and it means being sober in a pretty girl’s arms. which has been something she’s been lacking as of late. and it’s because she’s been lacking she finds herself face to face with the old-her things. the fuck up things.

sometimes she’ll relapse and take a few shots, hit up a few parties, fill when she doesn’t really know what she needs to fill. she knows it’s a poor substitution but never knows what for, never really ask what for. that’s the key, to not ask and just indulge. that’s become hard too. and jo, jo is so fucking attached to the old her and the old her things that she doesn’t get it - doesn’t get why she can’t stick to it how she wants to. how it doesn’t fill like she wants.

so she lets beer cans fill up, never emptied in the mess of her fridge. listens to parties going on above and around and stays empty for a minute. the silent night empty where she kind of wants to fall into her bed but also through the floor.

then she hears that same noise again and she decides to move. through her apartment at to the door. this is the looking in part. the part where she sees someone that looks like her making their way around. she’s got one good beer in when she opens the door, not enough but a start. and she catches the same guy trudging up the stairs. drunk off his ass. high on some other shit. she’s inhales once, refuses to calm when his feet dig a nasty sound into the ground. she launches the can and watches it crash and bounce back right above his head.

“hey shithead, go be shitfaced somewhere else.” she’s jealous really, and she’s not too used to it either.

[enfranchisement]

https://www.instagram.com/p/BRr14v7lE2_/

[sodeling-blog]

// @consilian

“quit fucking moving.”

coping mechanisms were, odd. they were supposed to help people channel something, understand that there was something to channel. understand themselves. jo was quite content not understanding anything, while pretending she did. she was content with being while not knowing.

she’s not sure what she had to cope with, what she could. she’s sure she could live and if living was coping that was find. if living was moving and pushing through and all the mushy sappy stuff it says on brochures, that was good. she was doing fine. she wants to scream without it being analyzed, burn through without knowing what she’s burning or breezing by. 

she can do it with hyunwoo. sometimes not always. because there doesn’t need to be a reason to have him up against a shitty alley wall and spray in her hand. god she’s rusty, she’s so rusty she’s got the colors all wrong and the image all twisted. but she’s getting something, spraying green and blue across his chest like it’s feeding into her and spilling out. that’s coping right?

whatever it is, whatever it’s supposed to be, she doesn’t want to explain late nights in shitty alleyways. she just wants to have them. so she sprays, laughs when he tries to squirm away and sprays some more.

“you’re gonna ruin the piece asshole and I, have a reputation to keep.”

[koreanmodel]

Kim Jin Kyung by Park Ja Wook for Cartier 2017

[koreanmodel]

Jung Ho Yeon by Kim Hee Jun for Doota Magazine Vol 1.

[teenangst018]

[silverining-blog1]

sun kissed. ( jo and haeri )

@sodeling ask and you shall receive

“sun bathing is stupid.” said haeri two hours ago. 

right before she found herself doing just that. the reason behind her caving in? well, jo can get her to do anything really. unless it involves conning jaesun or you know, doing anything that would purposefully put him at discomfort. because–well, okay that’s half a lie half a truth. most of the times–more than most of the times, haeri lets all of jo’s mischievous ideas to con jaesn slide by and she maybe grins in the back and then–she makes up for it. because that’s the easiest way to handle it.

besides jo has this sort of pull on jaesun that haeri never ever sees. it’s magical the way she can make him go from hey happy to see you girlfriend to oh the ‘other’ girlfriend is around. seriously. it’s hilarious. don’t be blaming haeri for letting shit happen, jaesn should learn to control his expressions and emotions better when jo is around. because fact is, when haeri has something to enjoy she wont ruin the fun. 

she’ll never do so. not for jaesun, not for herself. especially where jo is involved. so that is why haeri has her legs in the pool, kicking and her hair swinging with the wind. it’s picked up during the small amount of time they’ve spent by the edge of it. sn bathing with a bit of swimming. it reminds haeri of one of those nights where she had to get jo by the side of an empty beach.

she was naked then, wasn’t she? the memory brings a small giggle up her throat.

“what, what–what are you laughing about?”  “more like who.”  “jaesun?”  “my head isn’t filled with jaesun!” what a protest, still with a grin though and more kicks in the water before she’s turning to jo. now she’s biting her smile and tilting her head. she knows her face is red, burning–red, red, such a flare and contrast to how she’s usually pale next to jo. 

“you, idiot.” “oh, you think about me more then, that’s something to tell him when i see him.” “don’t you dare!” 

but jo will dare. it’s all she knows how to do. whether purposefully or not, although with jaesun it is always with that intent. jo dares and haeri knows just by saying don’t, it’s already settled that it will happen. 

so when jo laughs and shrugs, she does joins in the sound but while rolling her eyes. 

“okay but you were laughing at me though.” “yeah you and your skinny dipping ways.” 

a bit of a silence.  that night was not that happy of a night.  haeri knows. 

“oh that, that–you mean that.”  “christ, you need to stop hanging out with me, you’re starting to talk like i think, can’t tell if i should be proud of scared or you know.” worried? nah, that’s not going to come out. that’s not going to come in between this moment. this absolute surprise of a delight that is spending the day out with only her and jo and the sun and the burn of it that will leave her darker for days. 

“i have never done skinny dipping.” haeri quips in quickly.  “i know, such a prude. how long it took you before you could wear shorts without freaking out.” “hey! scars, scars, they’re everywhere! of course i was worried. that and there are so many perverts in this life and in these streets. try living in a nun school for four years of your life and not turn into a prude, i dare you. i seriously. fucking. dare. you.” 

for once, jo might be amused and daring but she pulls a face, “eh, pass.”  “thought so.” honestly, haeri did say the same when she was asked if she would repeat the experience. pass. pass. pass. never again. unfortunately, there’s no rewind and erase in real life. bummer. one’s just gotta live with it. 

she forgets for a bit, they’re silent for that time.  until jo moves and haeri has a second to turn and catch sight of a bikini top off. gone. 

“are you sure you’ve never had breast surgery?” yeah that’s out of her mouth before she can stop herself.

“it wouldn’t be a bad thing if i did. comes with the industry and everything.” then jo lifts off her ass and starts tugging on her shorts and the bikini under it and haeri is laughing before shaking her head. 

“god, you’re a nudist. you love your own skin that much, don’t you?” “it’s a pretty skin and body, i am beautiful! of course i wanna flaunt it.”

and this is what haeri knows made her always watch jo. not from afar, not from too close. just at that distance halfway between admiration, love–lots and lots of love for who she is, who her words make her who her actions and life and work make her. and how contrasting it splashes against haeri’s window. 

“come on nun haeri, take it off, take it all off.” jo waits for no answer though, she’s already diving in. a splash and two and haeri’s glad this time around, there’s laughter. not stuck in the back of hr throat, and there’s no quiet melancholy of a shadowy night following.

oh no. the sun is burning and haeri is slowly pulling on the strings of her bikini before tossing it on the side.

“oh! you’re the one with the boob job!”  “shut up! i am all natural and tiny, shut it!”  “so jaesun likes them small.” “oh. my. god. you fucking did not, don’t shit talk my baby girls, they’re everything okay and they like fit entirely in a palm of a hand–” “i know, should i tell jaesun i was the first one to test that out?” 

haeri’s down to nothing too before she dives in and jo is swimming away because she knows what’s awaiting her. a war of splashing and pushing down the water. 

“yah, yah, don’t you dare jolee!”  “you love it when you dare me.” 

“i do love it.” the sun is setting. backs given to its last rays, front lying down on the cloth that cover the ground. it is now low enough for a nap. at least it’s lulling, edging close. haeri’s been yawning for a solid minute.  “love it when you dare.”

“i know.” 

haeri’s laugh is throaty, she’s losing her voice. but she’s also quiet with heavy and sated limbs. she’ll feel the waves of the pool for a day or two. it reassures her. she blinks where jo is facing her, in the same position. side to side they lay. 

“love you jo.” a hum answers her, a blink from jo. “and your fake boobs.” haeri’s eyes fall shut.  jo’s laugh is but a background lullaby to her numb mind. 

[koreanmodel]

Jung Ho Yeon by Maeng Min Hwa for The Celebrity June 2016

[ff00af]

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[fyp-psychology]

You don’t need to be better than any one else you just need to be better than you used to be.

Wayne W. Dyer (via weltenwellen)

[sodeling-blog]

silverining:

“oh, that means he thought it was ugly, didn’t he? i usually am not on the side of anyone who says anything about you but man–man, jo, that hair you took away from this world is still being missed.” a pout, even with her eyes still on the screen and her fingers going at it with a slight break when jo leans in closer, further. despite her words though, haeri knows she would have been outraged had she really been present when jo’s manager did that. outrage enough that they might not have made it to see anyone and jo would have stayed with whatever it was that was on her. because where it cocnerns haeri playing the hero card, there’s nothing bu dramatization and enough angry words to make you look bad for fighting against somewhat of a miniature first and second a girl on top of it. how lucky to be born in this world, looking like the weak point when your fists could be the end of a jaw looking well placed. 

haeri knows she shouldn’t just brandish the controller there, when she needs to be watching the back of two other guys, the only ones left in the current battle on going. but well–jo’s already distracting her enough that she’s stopped caring for their character’s life and haeri will admit she needs a break to do something else. like maybe get some snacks. “do you want to play?” she asks, hears a bit of a curse from a very upset player because he just died and now there’s just haeri’s character and another one left and she quickly unmutes her mic to throw a, “we’ll get the sexy model on it, can we start this over pleaaase?” that’s her not waiting for jo’s answer or the players’ as she leans out of reach of a jo who will probably complain about it but haeri has the controller in her hands by the time she straightens back and she’s holding it. “come on, let’s beat some asses, it’s great therapy. i imagine all of them being haerim, sometimes jaesun, you choose whoever got you mad and you put the face on everyone behind that screen.”

“ugly hairstyles don’t exist on me.” that’s jo talking. like the jo that everyone knows. the jo that people expect. if it is and if it is not the real her she’s not sure and she doesn’t care. she can shake the strands of her hair, shake them until they tickle hers and haer’s neck and wear a prideful smile. because she’s all about pride, always been about it, pride and worn confidence. maybe that’s why jo and haeri get along so well. maybe not. she doesn’t question this kind of fit because it fits and that’s all that matters. “I’m glad you think my hair before was a justice this to the world though. I’m gonna dye it red though, grow it back out, I just wanted to feel summer okay?” like feel it on her skin. like not have anything else remind her of what used to be on her skin. jo’s silly like that. hold people so close so she can pretend she never did. pretend they don’t mark and stain.

she’s running her fingers through her hair as she says it. imagining colors and remembering what’s now gone. the brown had been something of a trademark, the blonde now something of a false beginning. it’ll fade, most of them do. she’s not sure what she was aiming for but feeling it wisp through her fingers has her wondering - laughing at her impulses until haeri brings her to the surface. “the sexy model is here!” she throws it in as quick as she shifts. see yeah jo holds people close and against her skin like they can sink but she doesn’t like to show them. like when haeri detaches and she feels the breeze she’s clinging to the next thing even if it’s a controller or the rush of adrenaline at beating some guys at their own game. “put whoever I want behind the screen? oh shit we’re winning tonight. heads are rolling.” she hasn’t paid much attention to know if it’s that kind of game but what does it matter. she’s a little alive - finally - and she’s ready to engage everything around her instead of in her.

“sexy model jo here, you little shits ready to kick some ass?”

[ehontee]

haeri has to say, her biggest development would be her ability to talk about these matters despite the flush that usually tightens her skin whenever it’s brought up. but she’s also more than certain of one thing, she’ll never do this with anyone else but jo. why? she just trusts the girl more than she can trust anyone else, be it with thins that she’s never learned, what she’s discovered about herself and the world. it’s funny most people would probably take one look at them and figure out she’s the oldest but then hear them talk and wonder how that’s possible because haeri has noticed. jo talks and carries herself differently. there’s a youth to her body and the way she seems that doesn’t carry out when she starts talking. it’s not a bad thing, and it definitely wouldn’t worry her at all if it wasn’t for the fact that it seemed to be more of a weight she had to carry rather than something she just was born to live as. some people do sound more mature than their age just because, they see the world differently. then you have those who had been shown and experienced things that had shaped them the way they are. 

those are the ones who sometimes leave her a bit speechless and silent when they pour their words. but have her rambling even more to fill in as if she could somehow make it better, make them go back to the year they should be in by doing so. it’s ridiculous because she hates playing hero, she’s no savior she knows that. but she’s leaning and taking in more of jo’s given warmth as she jumps back in the topic with a wrinkle of her nose.  “i don’t know about character development, but i’d like to believe that the way you talk in actual real life has nothing to do with what happens when you’re basically–” is she going to say it? fuck it development or not she’s still shaking her head and rolling her eyes whining low before she’s made sure that she properly cut the communication with the other players. “it shouldn’t be a factor is what i am saying, i am sure some people are freaks intimately but you’d never guess when taking a look at how they talk or behave publicly you know. so don’t judge a book by its cover, same concept, something like that.” 

[sodeling-blog]

“my manager saw my hair and immediately took me to see my guy, like what the fuck. talk about judging a book by it’s cover.” there’s supposed to be venom in her words but at this point her lips bury themselves against the other and her words can only only attempt to mask what she means. they wanna seek softness, she’s tired of burning and she doesn’t feel right looking for it in haeri either. jo’s never been like this, so openly vulnerable. it’s easy to say that she gets vulnerable around haeri but it’s never been easy, never been so deliberate. well that’s wrong, it’ll never be deliberate she’ll cling to spaces of freedom and strength with her last breath but if her vulnerability happens to seep out she’s not going to stop it. she feels heavy even though she’s empty, like she’s watching the remnants of her strength waft out before her, seeping like a wound and she waits for the blood to show because it doesn’t feel good. it doesn’t hurt but it doesn’t feel good and there’s a hole somewhere but she won’t let go of the girl in front of her to find out. she won’t budge.

she’s being uncharacteristically quiet, but not in the sense that haeri expects. not the jo that respects her playing the game and lets her concentrate but rather the jo that contemplates, the jo that falters in words and mumbles and the jo she’s sworn she buried deep deep in the recesses of her past. a jo that’s only appearing briefly and she doesn’t have the strength in her to repress it. so she bleeds onto the floor and jo’s nose only crunches in disgust, arms tightening around the female. “man what the fuck. i haven’t touched a controller in years can you believe that?” she’s not sure where’s she’s going with this but if she touches on the jo she does know she thinks she can reel her in with the pluck of her finger and the beckon of her lips. her lips don’t feel like hers sometimes, sometimes they’re numb too and she almost misses that numbness, that’s how she knows she’s fucked, that’s how she feels her body shake on the floor and laugh at her. she’s too confused to be pissed. too desperate.

[ohsharethekmusic]

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Song : I Call It Love

Artist : Sik-K

Album : Flip

[bostonpoetryslam]

if her body        were granted autopsy, autonomy—if at our core we weren’t all red, red, red—if i chant her name under a thatched roof—if i burn        the roof, see what gets taken with it—

Raena Shirali, “dayaan summoning magic,” published in Cosmonauts Avenue (via bostonpoetryslam)

[wnq-writers]

It’s my fault that I hoped for a poetry when you can’t even give me a single verse. It’s my fault why I’m constantly breaking.

Vienna Noreen (via wnq-writers)