Solitaremit: never wanting to be touched, ever.

Yes, we fucking exist. Not everyone gets touch starved. No, we are not broken, we do not need to be fixed or change for other people's benefit. We do not owe you our fucking bodies.

[solitaremit]

Pinned post.

My main blog is @rjalker. My pronousn are it/its.

What is solitaremit? Solitaremit is a term coined to describe people who are both touch averse / touch repulsed, and who never experience "touch starvation", where someone craves physical contact with others.

Let me repeat that again: Someone who never gets touch starved. The key word here is "never". Solitaremit is not intended to encompass a spectrum of experiences, it defines a specific experience only, and that is intentional. Touch aversion/repulsion is itself already a spectrum, this term has been created specifically to allow the most silenced part of that spectrum a way to have a voice.

Here is the coining post for the term solitaremit, as well as its counterpart for people who do experience touch starvation.

Here is the archived version of that post.

Here is the PDF version of the text in the post, as well as the HD versions of the pride flags.

Why do we need the word solitaremit?

Because touch starvation is touted as some universal experience every single person ever born has, and people claim that if you say otherwise, that either means you're lying to yourself and are purposefully "denying yourself" touch as a form of self-harm, or you're so traumatized and damaged already that you can't trust yourself to know what you do and do not need.

This term was coined to offer a safe haven for the people it describes, because every other part of the touch averse/repulsed communities is already seemingly dedicated to being touch starved, and in eternal conflict over wanting something you simultaneously hate.

Well I literally do not want it at all. I never have and I never will. I do not crave physical touch. I do not get touch starved. I am not suffering or self-harming or denying myself a basic universal need.

I am touch averse, and I am solitaremit. I do not need or want you to pity me or lecture me on how much I'm hurting myself by not letting other people touch me.

This blog is being created to spread awareness of the term itself, so other people can use it if they want, and so I can answer questions from other people if they have any.

If I can find them, I will also reblog stories and art with solitaremit characters, positivity posts, and anything else I think will be helpful or fun. I will also reblog posts calling out and explaining athiktophobia (ableism against touch averse people), and those will be tagged as "athiktophobic posts". There is not yet a term for ableism specifically against solitaremit people, but I'm sure we can come up with something, since it'd definitely be helpful.

You can send in questions, memes, actually respectful writing prompts, ect.

[solitaremit]

[ID: Four images, each of either the touch averse or solitaremit pride flags, with the Pokemon Stufful in the center.

Stufful is a small, pink, white, and brown panda-like teddy bear that walks on four brown legs, with a pink head with a white nose, a white stripe, and white ears. Its eyes are small and black. It is posed with one foot raised, showing a round pink paw pad.

Both flags come with two versions, one with the touch averse symbol in the center, behind stufful - a five-pointed star shaped flower with an orange outline, black petals, and dark red inner petals, or as just the flag with only the stripes.

The touch averse flag has symetrical dark stripes of orange, red, black, red, and orange.

The solitaremit flag has stripes of grey, gold, dark orange, dark red, black, and dark red-purple.

End ID.]

All Stufful are canonically touch averse and solitaremit!

Stufful hates to be hugged or touched in any way. It will squirm, thrash, and resist with amazing power. The way it protects itself by flailing its arms may be an adorable sight, but stay well away. This is flailing that can snap thick tree trunks. A touch from anyone except a known friend sends it into a surging frenzy. It's an incredibly dangerous Pokémon.

[senritsu]

I hate the whole backlash like ‘you say touch starved but you actually just mean horny’ NO I mean when I was getting my hair cut there was a moment where the hairdresser tilted my head to the side and the top of my head brushed his chest and my brain short circuited with endorphins because it thought I was being held

[evilphrog]

Because casual, platonic affection is so taboo in our society that whenever anyone wants to hold a friend’s hand or snuggle on the couch, it is automatically assumed they must be after sex.  This is especially true if the person in question was socialized as a man. 

[greenreticule]

relating all physical affection to sex really messes with people’s need for physical contact with others. it teaches us to isolate ourselves and deny ourselves critical interactions lest we be mistaken for pursuing sex. this is really isolating for people who are sex-indifferent, sex-repulsed, or asexual, but it affects everyone.

[rjalker]

This is a great post except for that very last sentence - - this does not in fact affect everyone. Despite the popular idea, not everyone gets touch starved. This doesn't mean people who do should be demonized or sexualized, it just means you people need to remember that people this applies to also exist.

This is why I had to coin the word solitaremit for the touch averse community because so many people who are touch averse that did not get touch starved felt so fucking alienated because even in the touch averse tags, touch-starvation was still being held up as some universal experience that everyone, no matter how much they hate being touch, still craves touch. Which is literally just not true.

Yes, talking about touch starvation and having people understand what you mean when you talk about i and knowing it's not sexual is important.

It's also important for all of you to remember that your experiences are not universal, and some people never get touch starved. Advocate for yourselves, yes, but don't forget that solitaremit people also exist. Don't erase us, because now people are starting to use the acknowledgement of touch starvation's existance to shame solitaremit and other touch averse into compromising on our boundaries "for the sake of other people's mental wellbeing" and I hope I don't need to explain why that's shitty.

People who don't experience touch starvation exist. The word I created to describe us is solitaremit, specifically designed to not be an existing word so there'd be no confusion.

The word I created to describe people who do experience touch starvation is gregariable, also designed to be completely unique ahead of time so there's no confusion or conflicting results. Please feel free to use it, as long as you remember that solitaremit people also exist.

[rjalker]

no, actually you are not allowed to hide my fucking reblog telling you you're being a bigot. I'm not letting you people pretend you don't know you're being bigots.

Murdernot said:

One thing I love about Murderbot is that it is such a delightfully complex character that it can be so relatable to so many different people.

Like, I recently recommended the series to two friends who are very different. One I think will like it because of the aro/ace/agender-ness and the more existential "what defines a person" aspects of it. The other I think will like it for the exploration of trauma and the horrors of capitalism and the sense of humor.

Like any good story, it has some very specific things that only some people might relate to, but also some more general, more universal aspects, and we all like it for some combination of it.

And I think even more so since Murderbot is such an unreliable narrator when it comes to its own internal experience. We have to read between the lines to see how it really feels, and everyone reads between the lines slightly differently based on our own experiences and viewpoints.

And like, because Murderbot is on a character journey where it is discovering itself, we all interpret the steps on the journey differently. Like, a lot of it is Murderbot figuring out its boundaries. There are some parts where it pushes out of its comfort zone and widens its boundaries (being out of armor/being observed, which doesn't seem to bother it nearly as much in later books), and other parts where it asserts its boundaries (like with hugs). Both of those things are important for its character growth.

And someone who is trying to assert their own boundaries might latch onto the importance of Murderbot doing the same and enjoy discussions/fanart/fanfic of people respecting those boundaries. But someone who is trying to break out of a defensive, potentially maladaptive comfort zone might really appreciate the way that Murderbot becomes more comfortable with certain things over time and might enjoy discussions/fanart/fanfiction of it learning to enjoy some things it has expressed reflexive distaste for. Both are wonderful ways of interacting with the work.

The important thing for me is that Murderbot is a (beautifully written and complex) fictional character who means different things to different people. We all connect to Murderbot slightly differently and I think that's beautiful.

My response! Because you people do not get to fucking pretend you care about aroace and touch averse people and then silence us at every turn!

The problem is there are hundreds of stories where characters are touch averse and learn to enjoy being touched because they secretly enjoy it and didn't want to admit it to themselves.

Aside from The Murderbot Diaries, there are zero stories of characters who are touch averse and do not feel any desire for touch, and actually have these boundaries respected.

I don't think people who are not solitaremit understand how absurdly ludicrously rare it is that Murderbot has its boundaries with touch respected with this series.

It is in fact ableism for people to look at this character who is touch averse and has no desire for touch, whose boundaries are always respected, and to then insist that that has to change. That it has to open up and remove its boundaries and admit it secretly enjoys being touched.

We aren't talking about vague "Be more comfortable with yourself" things here. We are talking about touch aversion. We are talking about aroace.

Do I need to explain why erasing the fact that a character is aroace and repulsed by relationships is bigoted? Do I need to explain why erasing a character who's solitaremit and has that respected is bigoted?

Apparently I do, since everyone in this fandom keeps insisting on watering these issues down into just "differences in interpretation" and "learning to be more comfortable"

Would you be okay with people writing about Murderbot learning to accept and be normal about eye contact?

Do I have to explain that being touch averse is something adults try to beat out of autistic kids?

If the issues at hand here were anything but aroaceness and touch aversion, if they were more "serious" things being erased, like being gay or if people were removing all of Murderbot's other autistic traits, would you still say they're just a minor, beautiful different in opinion?

Aroace people who are repulsed by all forms of relationships have no representation. We are demonized even in our own communities, let alone the rest of society.

Solitaremit people aren't even given shelter in the rest of the touch averse community.

Erasing the fact that Murderbot is aroace and repulsed by relationships of all kinds is bigotry. Erasing the fact that Murderbot does not enjoy touch or have any desire for it is bigotry.

Listen to aroace people when we tell you something is bigoted. Listen to touch averse people when we tell you something is bigoted.

Just because it doesn't impact you personally does not mean it's not a problem and that people literally opppressed by it should just be fine with it and let everyone continue to erase our very existance.

These books are actually doing everything right in respecting aroace people and solitaremit people.

Why is it too much to expect the fandom, who claims to love this character, to do the same?

Do you actually care about people when their experiences are not the same as yours, or do you just see our existence as internet discourse that begins and ends on tumblr.com?

If you actually give a shit about aroace people and touch averse people, then stop making posts like this that coddle those who erase us. Actually pick a side instead of trying to play the middle.

This is literal real bigotry we are talking about here. You cannot create representation by taking it away from other people.

The whole main theme of this series is that you need to respect people even when they're different from you. Why is that so hard for people who claim to love this series to accept?

Why is it okay to erase people's sexualities when it's about aroace people?

Why is it okay to overstep and overwrite people's boundaries when it's about touch averse people?

Stop fucking pretending you care about nonpartnering aroace people and solitaremit touch averse people when you fucking hide our reblogs on your post. Either fucking actually support us and stand up against bigotry or stop pretending you care.

A character that is explicitly aroace and sex repulsed, touch repulsed, platonic repulsed, and nonpartnering and is nonbinary and uses it/its pronouns and touch averse and has no desire for touch at all is not a blank slate for you to erase. Murderbot represents real living breathing people. When you erase everything that makes Murderbot who it is, you are being a bigot to the real people it represents.

[Plain text: "A character that is explicitly aroace and sex repulsed, touch repulsed, platonic repulsed, and nonpartnering and is nonbinary and uses it/its pronouns and touch averse and has no desire for touch at all is not a blank slate for you to erase. Murderbot represents real living breathing people. When you erase everything that makes Murderbot who it is, you are being a bigot to the real people it represents.". End Plain text.]

[murdernot]

One thing I love about Murderbot is that it is such a delightfully complex character that it can be so relatable to so many different people.

Like, I recently recommended the series to two friends who are very different. One I think will like it because of the aro/ace/agender-ness and the more existential "what defines a person" aspects of it. The other I think will like it for the exploration of trauma and the horrors of capitalism and the sense of humor.

Like any good story, it has some very specific things that only some people might relate to, but also some more general, more universal aspects, and we all like it for some combination of it.

And I think even more so since Murderbot is such an unreliable narrator when it comes to its own internal experience. We have to read between the lines to see how it really feels, and everyone reads between the lines slightly differently based on our own experiences and viewpoints.

And like, because Murderbot is on a character journey where it is discovering itself, we all interpret the steps on the journey differently. Like, a lot of it is Murderbot figuring out its boundaries. There are some parts where it pushes out of its comfort zone and widens its boundaries (being out of armor/being observed, which doesn't seem to bother it nearly as much in later books), and other parts where it asserts its boundaries (like with hugs). Both of those things are important for its character growth.

And someone who is trying to assert their own boundaries might latch onto the importance of Murderbot doing the same and enjoy discussions/fanart/fanfic of people respecting those boundaries. But someone who is trying to break out of a defensive, potentially maladaptive comfort zone might really appreciate the way that Murderbot becomes more comfortable with certain things over time and might enjoy discussions/fanart/fanfiction of it learning to enjoy some things it has expressed reflexive distaste for. Both are wonderful ways of interacting with the work.

The important thing for me is that Murderbot is a (beautifully written and complex) fictional character who means different things to different people. We all connect to Murderbot slightly differently and I think that's beautiful.

[rjalker]

The problem is there are hundreds of stories where characters are touch averse and learn to enjoy being touched because they secretly enjoy it and didn't want to admit it to themselves.

Aside from The Murderbot Diaries, there are zero stories of characters who are touch averse and do not feel any desire for touch, and actually have these boundaries respected.

I don't think people who are not solitaremit understand how absurdly ludicrously rare it is that Murderbot has its boundaries with touch respected with this series.

It is in fact ableism for people to look at this character who is touch averse and has no desire for touch, whose boundaries are always respected, and to then insist that that has to change. That it has to open up and remove its boundaries and admit it secretly enjoys being touched.

We aren't talking about vague "Be more comfortable with yourself" things here. We are talking about touch aversion. We are talking about aroace.

Do I need to explain why erasing the fact that a character is aroace and repulsed by relationships is bigoted? Do I need to explain why erasing a character who's solitaremit and has that respected is bigoted?

Apparently I do, since everyone in this fandom keeps insisting on watering these issues down into just "differences in interpretation" and "learning to be more comfortable"

Would you be okay with people writing about Murderbot learning to accept and be normal about eye contact?

Do I have to explain that being touch averse is something adults try to beat out of autistic kids?

If the issues at hand here were anything but aroaceness and touch aversion, if they were more "serious" things being erased, like being gay or if people were removing all of Murderbot's other autistic traits, would you still say they're just a minor, beautiful different in opinion?

Aroace people who are repulsed by all forms of relationships have no representation. We are demonized even in our own communities, let alone the rest of society.

Solitaremit people aren't even given shelter in the rest of the touch averse community.

Erasing the fact that Murderbot is aroace and repulsed by relationships of all kinds is bigotry. Erasing the fact that Murderbot does not enjoy touch or have any desire for it is bigotry.

Listen to aroace people when we tell you something is bigoted. Listen to touch averse people when we tell you something is bigoted.

Just because it doesn't impact you personally does not mean it's not a problem and that people literally opppressed by it should just be fine with it and let everyone continue to erase our very existance.

These books are actually doing everything right in respecting aroace people and solitaremit people.

Why is it too much to expect the fandom, who claims to love this character, to do the same?

Do you actually care about people when their experiences are not the same as yours, or do you just see our existence as internet discourse that begins and ends on tumblr.com?

If you actually give a shit about aroace people and touch averse people, then stop making posts like this that coddle those who erase us. Actually pick a side instead of trying to play the middle.

This is literal real bigotry we are talking about here. You cannot create representation by taking it away from other people.

The whole main theme of this series is that you need to respect people even when they're different from you. Why is that so hard for people who claim to love this series to accept?

Why is it okay to erase people's sexualities when it's about aroace people?

Why is it okay to overstep and overwrite people's boundaries when it's about touch averse people?

[rjalker]

here's an example of just one of too fucking many to count athiktomisic posts that show up in the touch repulsed and touch averse tags. You know, the places where people who are touch averse are supposed to be able to go to avoid shit like this??

Anonymous said:

Prompt idea: touch repulsed (unless iniciated themselves) aroace and touch starved aroace try and navegate a platonic relationship in a middleground

the post was tagged:

#writing prompt, #prompt, #aromantic, #aroace, #touch repulsed, #touch starved, #friendship, #vaguerel, #submitted

link to original post. Archived link, since I hope the original will be deleted at some point or at least edited to be educational >:(

I am attempting to make this post as short and simple as possible.

Here is the simplest way I can possibly explain why this is ableist as shit:

The only so-called "middleground" between someone who is touch averse and someone who is asking them for touch, is the touch averse person suffering.

There are no ifs, ands, or buts about this.

If you ask touch averse people to "negotiate a middleground" between respecting their boundaries and causing them harm, you are doing nothing but causing harm.

Why is it always touch averse people who are forced to "compromise" on their boundaries?

Why is it always touch averse people who are fucking demonized for having boundaries?

That's what this prompt is doing, intentionally or not. The entire premise of this prompt is "a touch averse person exists, and that causes problems for other people".

Why is it always touch averse people who must negotiate and compromise on their boundaries?

Why is it always the touch averse person who must suffer for the sake of others?

[Plain text: "Why is it always the touch averse person who must suffer for the sake of others?" End plain text.]

Stop writing stories like this. Stop asking others to create stories like this. Stop fucking perpetuating the same ableism touch averse people face their entire fucking lives.

Let touch averse people have boundaries that no one ever fucking asks them to compromise on.

Let's frame it this way:

Say you don't want to be thrown into lava, but someone asks you to "negotiate a middleground" on that boundary.

This compromise, you are told, will still literally involve you being thrown into lava, but apparently, it's okay now, because you're being shamed into agreeing to it. What are they compromising on, you ask? Well, nothing! Literally nothing. They get everything they want, you lose everything you need.

Would you be happy with this arrangement?

Would you feel happy and safe and respected by being thrown into lava, or shamed for refusing? Even shamed even when you are thrown in?

No?

Congratulations! Now you have an idea of the kind of shit touch averse people have to put up their whole life!

If you actually want to respect touch averse people, don't even fucking ask us to compromise on our boundaries. If you wouldn't demand a sex repulsed person have sex with you just because you're horny, don't demand a touch averse person to touch you just because you're touch starved.

[Plain text: "If you actually want to respect touch averse people, don't even fucking ask us to compromise on our boundaries. If you wouldn't demand a sex repulsed person have sex with you just because you're horny, don't demand a touch averse person to touch you just because you're touch starved.". End Plain Text.]

End of fucking line.

[rjalker]

Literally the only time Murderbot is okay with touching people is when it is saving their lives and has no choice but to touch them. It will grab a human and pull them out of a giant fucking space worm's mouth and lose 20% of its body mass while doing so. It will sprint down a fucking hallway and leap up the wall to grab someone who's about to get fucking pulled through a vent in the ceiling.

But it is not fucking okay with that very same human whose life it just saved touching it to try and bandage its wounds.

The only time Murderbot is ever okay with being touched is when lives are at stake.

This is not a fucking problem. This is not something that it needs to overcome. It is allowed to fucking have boundaries.

Touch-aversion does not need to be fucking cured. You do not need to convince touch-averse people that they'll secretly fucking enjoy it if they just let you touch them. I swear to fucking shit.

[rjalker]

if you insist that touch-averse people need to get over it, need to admit they actually enjoy being touched, or think it's something we need to be cured of or something that will be fixed by having friends/a romanctic love interest, think it's something that naturally will go away once we're in a safe environment, you're an ableist piece of shit and you need to shut the fuck up.

Especially when you're pushing this shit so you can ship canonically touch-averse characters and have other characters touching them as a form of affection because you have no fucking respect for touch-averse people.

[rjalker]

[ID: A gif animation of an MS Paint drawing.

The first frame reads, "What it's like being touch averse, a comic".

The second frame shows two stick figures standing a little ways apart. The one on the Left is saying, "I hate being stabbed." The other figure is holding a small knife.

The third frame shows the one with the knife respond, "Really? I hate not being able to stab people!"

The fourth frame shows the figure with the knife moving suddenly across the screen to stand directly in front of the first figure, stabbing them with the knife, which has red scribbles on it for blood.

The fifth frame has the stabber saying, "It's been so long since I stabbed someone, I just have to stab you! I know you said you hate being stabbed, but, come on, admit it, you're just saying that to make me feel bad. Everyone enjoys stabbing!" The victim begins to bleed.

The sixth frame has the stabber step back with the knife bloody in their hand, saying, "Whoo! I really needed that!" "That really hit the spot, I feel so much better now!"

The seventh frame shows the victim now on the ground in a puddle of blood. The stabber begins to walk casually away, saying back over their shoulder, "Thanks for being so accomidating :)" with a smiley face emoticon.

The eighth frame shows a new character stepping into the screen from the Left. The victim continues to bleed.

The ninth frame shows the new figure standing over the bleeding victim, saying, "Oh my gods, will you stop being so dramatic? Everyone likes getting stabbed. Stop being selfish and just admit you enjoy it already. What do you want normal people to do, just suffer? You're so selfish, there's something wrong with you."

The tenth and final frame just has bold text that reads, "Repeat. Endlessly. Forever.".

End ID.]

The GIF animated version of this can be found here. The archived, public domain files can be found here.

This is about being touch averse. Do not derail to talk about being touch starved.

[rjalker]

Here's an apparently radical concept for people to get through their heads:

If you know someone doesn't like being touched, for any reason, and you want to respect their boundaries? You want to actually show them you respect them and care about them?

Don't even ask if you can touch them. Literally just do not ever try to touch them or even ask them to let you touch them. Literally just leave them alone.

[gay-otlc]

[rjalker]

[ID: The meme of a futuristic utipian city, with text that reads "Society if all boundaries were given the same level of importance as respecting boundaries when it comes to sex". End ID.]

[rjalker]

anyways we need more fucking touch-averse characters. I’m sick of characters saying they don’t like hugs and then being hugged always and it’s portrayed as funny or cute. Why does consent stop mattering when it comes to hugging? Because you think it’s funny? Because the character ‘secretly enjoys it’? That doesn’t make it okay. We need to stop acting like people saying they don’t like hugs is an invitation to hug them without their consent.

If someone tells you they don’t like hugs, don’t hug them. Respect their fucking boundaries even if you think it’s silly or ridiculous or stupid. Not everyone likes hugs and I’m really tired of TV shows and movies acting like hugging people without their consent is okay.

And this is not just about autistic people! I’m tagging it that because I am autistic, but this doesn’t just apply to autistic people! You don’t have to be autistic to be touch averse! You don’t have to be anything to be touch averse except not enjoy being touched!

[rjalker]

do I really need to start adding "if you get touch starved do not fucking argue with me" on my posts about not erasing Murderbot's touch aversion when it explicitly does not get touch starved and literally reiterates and strengthens its boundaries after being forced to bend them in the last book?

Yes. There are multiple kinds of touch aversion.

And yours is not the one being represented here. If it were, I would not have a single fucking problem with what people are writing.

Charley Pollard likes holding hands and hugging, but hates sex and kissing. I do not get mad when people write about her holding hands or hugging someone. I do get mad when they write her kissing or worse, having sex with someone.

Murderbot does not enjoy touching. It does not seek out touch. From anyone. Not even people it likes and trusts.

If Murderbot sought out touch and enjoyed being touched and got touch starved, I'd have literally zero problem with people writing about that. But that is the exact opposite of the case, and the fact that that's all everyone fucking writes about is in fact literally bigotry. It's ableism. It's athiktomisia.

How are you all reading a book series with the theme of "respect people even if they're different from you" and immediately leaping to erase everything that makes Murderbot who it is so you can instead make it as much like you as you think you can get away with?

It'd be one thing if you were adding on additional traits that do not conflict with or erase its current character traits, like making it physically disabled, giving it other neurodivergencies, ect.

But no. All you people do is go, "oh? it's ace? Well not anymore!" "Oh, it's aro? Well not anymore!" "Oh, it doesn't want a relationship? Well not anymore!" "Oh, it has no desire for touch? Well not anymore!"

What's next? You're all gonna start insisting it totally loves making eye contact and loves showing off its face?

[rjalker]

Some examples of what touch aversion feels like, for people who can't even imagine not enjoying physical touch:

Reddit link, archived link

for me, (especially if it's sudden and comes without any warning), it feels like someone is branding me with a hot iron. Burning heat, and weight. And even after they stop touching me, the physical sensation of the weight of their hand or arms still remains. I will still be able to feel the literal sensation of them touching me on my skin even half an hour later, accompanied by pins and needles and depending on the circumstances, like if some random stranger came up behind without warning and hugged me, which happened multiple times when I worked at Walmart, a fucking panic attack. (If you've followed me for long enough and we were both awake at the same time, you'll probably remember the day that happened)

Touch aversion is not just "having trust issues" or "having self esteem issues". For many people, it is a physiological reaction that cannot be controlled or mitigated. It doesn't matter who's touching me, whether they're a stranger or a family member, it's all equally distressing.

Other touch averse people can feel free to add on about their own experiences. I'm tired of people in this fandom refusing to listen to touch averse people so they can just pretend Murderbot actually just secretly enjoys being touched, or needs to overcome its self-esteem issues in order to fix it.

People who are not touch averse, do not comment unless you're going to ask actual questions in actual good-faith.

[kuh-boose]

I'm not familiar with the psychology but I'm sure there's different types of touch aversion. Murderbots touch aversion is definitely more a trauma response, I think, especially when it finds it acceptable in certain situations (rescue and medical support/comfort) we see it cope. I 100% think there should be a variety of touch aversion represented, some that does have progression of comfort and some that is not and does not need to be "fixed". I'm my case, it's much more hyperawareness, there's a panic and irritablity that happens with the pressure. I can handle it for a second and then it's...uncomfortable to say the least. Then I feel that uncomfortable pressure for a long times afterwards. However, I'm also pretty touch starved, and at times seek it out from someone I trust or my pets. I've no clue where my touch aversion stems, or honestly if it's even actually considered touch aversion, but I've read Murderbots touch aversion as similar to mine, especially considering its social anxiety. That's why I could see a very select few people who have given murderbot control of how and when it is touched being a fairly comfortable situation for it. Honestly I think it would cap at Mensah and maybe Rhatti and very limited contact, and it would be a very long way off. What's lovely is that we see them respect whatever it's comfortable with (which for me is something that makes me comfortable with someone touching me).

[rjalker]

@kuh-boose okay look.

There is absoluely zero representation for people like me, who are touch averse and do not get touch starved. There is literally zero representation for people like me, who are touch repulsed and do not ever desire touch.

There is plenty of representation for people who are touch averse as a trauma response who eventually heal and learn to enjoy it from people they trust.

Solitaremit people, like me, who are touch averse and do not get touch starved and do not ever desire touch, have literally zero representation.

You can look in plenty of other places for touch averse characters that represent you.

I can't.

This is literally my only option.

This is literally the only series of any kind I have ever seen where someone with touch aversion is treated with respect and never shamed or forced to accept touch anyways.

You can speculate about what Murderbot will be like in the future but as of January 2023, all of the books show far only show Murderbot being consistently touch averse, and explicitly stating that it knows other people desire these things, but it never has, and it still doesn't even now that it has friends.

Murderbot does not want to be touched. But the majority of people in this fandom ignores that and pretends it's literally just an issue of self-esteem. When most of these people are not even touch averse at all.

Yes, I am aware there are different types of touch aversion.

That does not change the fact that this series has six books so far and Murderbot's touch aversion shows absolutely no signs of changing.

Sigh. Sigh.

I think, especially when it finds it acceptable in certain situations (rescue and medical support/comfort) we see it cope.

Just because Murderbot is willing to touch people to save their lives does not mean it's not touch averse. It doesn't mean it's going to someday learn to enjoy being touched. It doesn't mean it's touch starved.

If I saw someone drowning in a pool, I would do my best to rescue them. I'd even attempt CPR, even though I have no idea how that actually works. I would touch someone to try to save their life.

This does not mean I'm not touch averse. This does not mean I secretly enjoy touch or get touch starved.

Just because I am willing to hold a child's hand while we cross the street for safety does not mean I'd ever be willing to hold hands with an adult.

If you get touch starved, then you are the norm. You already can find reprepsentation pretty much anywhere.

I'm solitaremit. I do not get touch starved. In no way do I ever desire touch.

The Murderbot Diaries is the only thing I have ever found in all my years of watching TV, movies, and reading books and audiodramas, where touch aversion is actually treated with respect.

If in the next book, Murderbot starts to experiment with touching and figures out it can enjoy it, then all you gregariable people can all go ahead and throw a party.

But until then, Murderbot remains explicitly undesiring of touch, explicitly solitaremit even if the specific word isn't used, and I do in fact expect people to respect that.

There are different forms of touch aversion. And so far, Murderbot's form of touch aversion means it's solitaremit. It does not get touch starved. It does not have any desire for touch. Erasing that to instead replace it with your own, much less rare and stigmatized form of touch aversion, is ableist.

If you want reprepesentation for people who are touch averse and get touch starved in this fandom, then create an OC, or make one of the other characters so. But you cannot create representation by taking it away from other people, and when you make it so Murderbot, against all canon evidence, touch starved and seeking out touch but too shy or anxious or self-hating to admit so, you are being ableist and taking away representation from people who literally have none.

I can think of plenty of stories with characters who are touch averse due to trauma who learn to heal and trust other people again.

The Murderbot Diaries is the only single thing I have ever found where someone is solitaremit, and actually respected for it and never shamed or punished or turned into a joke.

If you want to see a character like you, look elsewhere. there are plenty of them. Or make an OC.

But do not take away representation from other people so you can represent yourself instead.

Being touch starved is the norm. Being willing to accept touch from people you like and trust is the norm.

Solitaremity is stigmatized so much I have never seen it actually represented without being a joke where the character is constantly being forcibly hugged so them being upset is funny, or used to show that someone's evil.

The very fact that you think it's okay to just switch out one form of touch aversion for another, more normalized ones is proving my very point.

If you get touch starved, then listen to solitaremit people when we tell you that what you are doing is harmful.

Erasing the fact that Murderbot has never had any desire for touch is ableist.

Saying that because Murderbot copes with its discomfort in order to save people's lives, so that means it'll someday learn to accept and enjoy touch, is ableist.

Murderbot being willing to touch people when the alternative is them dying horribly does not mean Murderbot's going to love cuddling or holding hands or hugging someday.

Yes, there are multiple kinds of touch aversion.

And some of them are more represented than others.

Your version has plenty of representation if you look for it. To the point that it probably makes up all of the fics written about Murderbot by people who aren't even touch averse in the first place.

Solitaremity has literally zero representation.

Please do not write Murderbot as anything but solitaremit until any future books prove otherwise.

If in book 7 Murderbot warms up to the idea of touch and learns to enjoy being touched and touching people it likes, I will have no problem with any of you writing about it doing so.

But until then, erasing the fact that it has no desire for touch is ableist. It is wrong. It is cruel.

[rjalker]

[ID: Two versions of the same pride flag. The first is square shaped, the second is wider and shaped like a rectangle.

The flag has six horizontal stripes of, in order from top to bottom: light grey, gold, orange, red, black, and dark wine purple.

End ID.]

November 19th 2022. Here's a PDF, slightly shorter version of this post and HD versions of the flags on the web archive. Here's the archived version of this post.

For everyone else who never experiences the supposedly-universal experience of “touch starvation”, I am coining two terms.

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First I am coining the term "solitaremit", to describe people who are touch averse and do not ever experience touch starvation.

Solitaremit is a combination of "solitary" and "hermit" because it's easy to remember and straight to the point, and doesn't exist anywhere else on the internet yet, so it can't be mixed up with anything else.

Solitary + hermit – the Y and H = Solitaremit

Soll-ih-tair-eh-mit (or met, it doesn't really matter)

_____

I am also coining the term "gregariable" to describe people who do experience touch starvation.

Gregariable is a combination of "gregarious" and "sociable" for people who do experience touch starvation, whether or not they're touch amiable or averse. This word also does not yet exist on the internet, so it can't be confused for anything else.

Gregarious + sociable - the ous and soci = gregariable

greh-gair-ee-uh-bull

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Solitaremit works as an adjective the same way as touch averse/touch repulsed do. IE: "It is solitaremit, it doesn't like being touched and doesn't get touch starved" “they are solitaremit”

Same with gregariable. "They are gregariable, they get touch starved." "I am touch averse and gregariable, I don't like being touched, but I still get touch starved"

_____

Solitaremity would be used to describe the thing...I can't think of the grammar word.

Example:

"Most of the stress 'caused by' solitaremity is caused by gregariable people refusing to respect solitaremit people's boundaries or existence." “I am researching solitaremity for a story I'm writing so I won't be ableist by mistake.”

I have edited tags related to solitaremity into all my posts about touch aversion, so you should, in theory, be able to search my blog for this word right now on the day I'm posting this and find stuff.

I have no doubt these terms will be shortened / streamlined as time goes on. That's perfectly fine, this is just something to give us a fucking foundation to at least stand on.

_____

List of the new terms:

Solitaremit / solitaremity

Gregariable / gregariality

Solitaremit: Someone who does not enjoy being touched, and never gets touch starved. EX: “Murderbot is solitaremit, it never wants to be touched. Solitaremit representation in fiction is very rare, and it's even rarer for it to be handled respectfully.”

Solitaremity: “Solitaremity is treated as something to be ashamed of, because gregariable people are more common, are self-entitled, and have no fucking compassion for others.”

Gregariable: Someone who gets touch starved / desires touch, whether or not they are touch averse and would actually enjoy the touch.

Gregariality: “Gregariality is treated as the universal experience, unfortunately for those who are solitaremit, who are shamed for being solitaremit from the moment they start expressing discomfort with touch.”

_____

What do the flag colors mean?

I picked colors commonly seen on poisonous/venemous animals to ward off attacks. Monarch butterflies and other insects that eat milkweed for the yellow, orange, red, and black, poison dart frogs for the purple, and cottonmouths specifically for the light grey.

_____

Can I use this pride flag for art?

Yes. I'm the one who made it, and I say it's public domain because fuck capitalism. Use it for literally anything you fucking want. Credit is not even necessary, though I will ask that, whenever possible, you include an image description, as well as sharing HD images of the flags with those who don't have them.

_____

Some suggested tags to use or look through are:

solitaremit

actuallysolitaremit

actually solitaremit

solitaremitiy

canonically solitaremit characters

solitaremit characters

solitaremit positivity

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Who can identify with these terms?

Gregariable: Literally anyone who experiences touch starvation.

Solitaremit: Anyone who is touch averse //and never// experiences touch starvation.

_____

This term is //specifically designed// to be //exclusive// to people who do not ever get touch starved, and never have any desire to be touched whatsoever, //specifically// so that we can have tags and other things to search without being overwhelmed by people who are touch starved talking about how touch starved they are.

Other terms can be created for people who only very rarely experience touch starvation or anything like that as a spectrum, but these terms should not include as a whole or as a part any part of the word solitaremit, so that crosstagging will not occur, even by accident.

Please just create an entirely brand new word that is unique, just as solitaremit is unique. I made sure these words didn't exist yet for a reason.

The entire point of the coining of these terms is so that solitaremit people can find posts by others with the same apparently impossibly rare experiences. Who fucking knows, maybe there's more of us than anyone things.

I am EXPLICITY requesting that people further down the line NOT to create a term like “solitaremitspec” or use “solitaremit spectrum” or anything like that using the word solitaremit for anything other than to describe someone who is touch averse and literally never experiences or has ever experienced touch starvation.

Touch aversion and touch repulsion are already spectrum. If you must coin a new term to describe a spectrum of touch averse experiences, do not include the word solitaremit in it. Please. That's literally all I ask.

I am not trying to be mean, I am trying to make sure the voices of people like me are not drowned out in the future as they are right now, when everyone, /including other touch averse people,/ whether intentionally or not, still push the idea that it is a completely universal fact that every single person ever born craves physical touch from other people, and is going to suffer if they don't get it.

If you experience touch starvation, then speak for yourself, and make sure you aren't drowning out the voices of those who don't.

Also, to reiterate from another post - the only requirement for being touch averse is not enjoying being touched. You do not need to be autistic, you do not need to be traumatized, there are no requirements for being touch averse except not enjoying being touched.

I will be tagging this post as "actually autistic" because a lot of autistic people are touch averse, but it is literally not a requirement for being touch averse.

Also, for the record, being touch averse is 100% a disability. There are so many things touch averse people can't do or can't do without suffering that other people do not even think twice about.

TLDR:

Solitaremit describes people who are touch averse and have never experienced touch starvation.

Gregariable describes people who do experience touch starvation.

(Everyone is welcome to reblog this post.)