I come back to this account and the first thing that smacks me in the face was the post about my own failed flan...
Jules of Nature
Cosmic Funnies
Sade Olutola
i don't do bad sauce passes

Origami Around
$LAYYYTER
Sweet Seals For You, Always

JBB: An Artblog!
Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
noise dept.
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year

No title available
YOU ARE THE REASON
AnasAbdin
Peter Solarz

Product Placement
trying on a metaphor
Show & Tell
hello vonnie

★
seen from Sweden
seen from China

seen from Australia
seen from Argentina

seen from Italy

seen from United States
seen from Türkiye

seen from Türkiye

seen from Malaysia
seen from Canada
seen from United States
seen from Romania
seen from Brazil

seen from Canada

seen from Poland
seen from Australia

seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Morocco
@somaliiii
I come back to this account and the first thing that smacks me in the face was the post about my own failed flan...
The World Cup said Gay Rights: Kiss Edition
Thank you
End tweet: “…I would probably be somewhere in the middle” and like. WHAT.”
Here’s the source, it’s from his biography “The Good Neighbor”
COME THROUGH MS TWENTYBITEEN
Jesus, after coming back from the dead: hey guys it’s me Jesus, just look at the scars on my hands
Thomas, a known freak: show us the feet as well please
It really is the year of Minecraft
some dude used mcedit so he’d get flatland
tiktok? vine? NO!! AMERICAS FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS ONLY!!
i’m simple….this is my fav character dynamic
alternatively
Both great, but may I add another variation
but have y’all considered-
@xenon-draws-undertale
lets not forget
All of these are an accurate representation of my last two brain cells
Reporter: We’re here with thirteen-year old Five who fended off a kidnapper earlier today. How did you do it, Five?
Five: Well, thank ya for askin’. I used the Bittenbinder method. When I saw the perp approachin’, I chewed up a tab of Alka-Seltzer I carry with me at all times. This created a foaming-at-the-mouth appearance that made it look like I had rabies. Now I’ve thrown him off his rhythm.
Five: Then I reach into his jacket pocket where I had planted a gram of coke and I went, ‘Whoa! What the fuck is this?’ And he goes, ‘That’s not mine. I never seen that before.’ I go, ‘Boo-hoo, it’s in your jacket. You’re doing two to ten and ya kids are going into Social Services.’ Now he’s cryin’!
Five: Then I grab a telephone book and I beat him on the torso with it. ‘Cause as any Chicago cop will tell ya, a phone book doesn’t leave bruises.
Reporter: …Well, that was thirteen-year old Five, currently being sued for police brutality.
I’m losing my fucking mind.
oh my god
my favorite part is that the guys just go along with it in spite of confusion/misgivings because they don’t want to miss out on stickers.
BRO, how the fuck you gonna be an upper middle class white boy that walked straight out of high school into Umass Amherst for a four year degree, walk straight out of college into a 55k/year job as a WINE CRITIC for your DADS COMPANY with NO EXPENSES and think you’re the fuckin same as these working class kids that make 12-20k/year that have bills and rent to pay.
The audacity of these lying ass internet entrepreneurs to go public, claiming they had no advantage and make videos that essentially amount to “poor people are actually just poor because they’re dumb and lazy and not smart risk takers like me” is just so fucking astonishing to me.
Would you accept this round warm girl into your life?
yes
Someone in my neighborhood
has given thier child
an airhorn.
why.
Update: It is not, in fact, the Richards, who don’t actually have the surname Richard, that’s just the name of the eldest boy that I hear screamed over the fence all the time. Richard is probably nine, maybe 10 and his younger borthers are twins of seven becuase I happened to run into them on thier birthday. They pointedly refused to tell me thier names, instead giggling ominously after I introduced myself and running away. This is the gang of boys that I’ve had to stop from torturing small animals on more than one occasion, and whose mother is the one that gets crying-drunk on the front porch late at night.
Lovely family.
Around this time last year thier grandmother came to visit and gave them honest-to-goodness home-made black-powder Cherry bombs direct from Texas, which the boys immediately took to the most flammable patch of chaparral in the neighborhood and set off six of them at once, resulting in a small wildfire, seven emergency response units and a helicopter, a Long Stern talk from the fire department and Karen getting in a screaming match with Child Protective Services and a sizeable crater in the middle of the field.
At least according to Olivia the ER nurse and neighborhood gossip. I was out of town at the time and believe about 80% of that becuase I saw the crater where there had not been a crater a week before, and becuase karen threw a shoe at me the one time I asked if she was alright when she was having her weekly drunk-cry on the porch.
But I Digress.
The Airhorn in fact belongs to one of the ladies at the Old Folks Home. Diane is very excited about the upcoming NBA playoffs and was having a bit of a pre-celebration in the park with her family and hadn’t realized the noise would carry. She’s rooting for Golden State becuase that’s where her grandson goes.
We gon need more stories on that crazy ass family
I don’t have more stories about the Richards specifically, but now that I’ve moved out of that Extremely Strange Neighborhood, I feel free to relate some more of the Wierd Shit that went on there. Some anwers to commonly asked questions:
1. It’s been pointed out to me that Golden State is an NBA franchise and not an institution of higher learning. To be fair, Diane is 84 and in an Alzheimer’s unit, and I know fuck all about sportsball. Perhaps her grandson lives in San Francisco. Regardless, we all had a good time and I was sent home with leftover bean dip.
2. I sometimes misspell things becuase I have multiple learning/reading disorders and Public Education in the US is terrible. I’m funny anyway.
3. Last I heard, Richard had gone to live with the other, less pyrotastic set of grandparents, so maybe there is hope for them yet.
(As always, all names have been changed to protect people’s privacy):
The neighborhood consists of a 206 pallette-swapped versions of the same three houses surrounding the largest hospital in the next six counties in any direction, surrounded immediately by three ranches on one side and roughly 100 miles of uninterrupted rocky mountain wildreness on the other. It’s seperated from the main city (If you can call a city with only the bars and Denny’s open after 9PM a city. Which you can’t) by a large mountain ridge and connected via a small canyon highway. Hence, the neighborhood consists primarily of:
Middle-Class Suburban White People ™
People who’d be too poor to afford this neighborhood normally, but are subsidized by the hospital. Olivia the ER nurse, for instance. They’re terrific.
People with Major Medical Conditions and Their familes, who live nearby, also subsidized by The Hospital.
Old Rural People who remember when Durango had only the train track and no paved roads and was mostly populated by cattle and will tell you they were present at the Alamo if you let them keep talking.
Wildlife that was here first and has no intention of moving.
This is a story about the first learning about the last.
Staci-With-An-I-From-Ventura-California introduced herself to me as that while I was walking the dog by the playground, as I tried to keep her preschooler twins (there are SO MANY goddamn twins in the neighborhood. I mean, we’re right next door to an IVF clinic BUT STILL) from jamming thier fingers up Charlie’s nose but fortunately he thinks children are hilarous and decided to lick what I sincerely hoped was jam off thier faces.
“Hi I’m [Gallus]. Hey, kids, be gentle with dogs-”
“Do you live here?” She asks in what I would find out later is her normal interrogative voice, but sounded to my untrained ear like a member of the spanish inquisition had reccived operatic training then took up chain smoking.
“Yeah?”
Keep reading
Whoof
michael cohen stating in court that donald trump is an antiblack racist and then saying he continued to work for him after trump said horrific shit about black people.
this is our political system
our politicians aren’t ignorant to other politicians racism, they’re complicit in it.
All this shit michael cohen is testifying on trump is fucking horrifying. I encourage you to watch this video if you have time, it’s currently the live court case on feb 27th 2019 10:47am EST
Some quotes:
“He had no desire or intention to lead this nation only to market himself and to build his wealth and power. Mr. Trump would often say “This campaign was going to be greatest infomercial in political history”
he never expected to win the primary. He never expected to win the general election. The campaign for him was always a marketing opportunity.”
“I knew early on that Mr. Trump would direct me to lie for him … Lying for Mr. Trump was normalized and no one around him questioned it and in fairness no one around today questions it.”
“Mr. Assange assured Mr. Trump that there would be a massive dump of emails that would damage Hillary Clintons campaign. Mr. Trump responded by stating to the effect “Wouldn’t that be great””
“Mr. Trump is a racist. … In private he is even worse. He once asked me if I could name a country that wasn’t a shithole ran by a black person, this was when Barack Obama was president.”
“When we were driving through an impoverished area of Chicago he commented that “Only black people could live that way.”
These quotes just get worse yall. Again I encourage you to watch for yourself.
“Mr. Trump is a conman, he asked me to pay off an adult film star with whom he had an affair and to lie about it to his wife. Which I did. And lying to the first lady is one of my biggest regrets.”
“I am giving the committee today a copy of the 130k wire transfer from me to miss Clifford’s attorney the closing day of the campaign that was demanded by miss Clifford to maintain her silence.”
“Mr. Trump directed me to use my own funds … to avoid anything being traced back to him. … I am going to jail in part because I did this to the american people before they voted”
“Other checks to reimburse me for the hush money were signed by donald trump jr.”
“He says to me, don’t worry Michael your january and february [reimbursement] checks are coming in the mail”
“He directed me to threaten his high school, his colleges, his college board to never release his grades and his SAT scores”
“Mr. Trump had strongly criticized President Obama for not releasing his grades … after calling Obama a terrible student.”
The republicans keep stating that Michael Cohen has lied to congress, but refuse to say WHY and for WHO he lied to congress
Michael Cohen lied to PROTECT Donald Trump when he was still under the financial coverage of Donald Trump.
the republicans repeatedly keep trying to prove Michael Cohen has some financial incentive to lie currently, but cannot prove this to be the case.
Michael Cohen has no income, has no book deals, has NOTHING to give him incentive to continue being in court.
All he is doing is making himself look bad to the public to clear up his previous lie.
The republicans in this case do not care about the truth, and they do not care about Michael Cohen’s lies, what they care about is the fact that he’s told the truth AFTER THE FACT.
Also so funny how conservatives are going “Cohen’s a liar. He lied to Congress. We can’t trust him!” as if it’s inconceivable Trump would ever lie, as if we don’t all have public access to his twitter account where he is constantly lying to the world about everything from his personal life to serious policy matters & statistics.
I raised my eyes up to the heavens and only the moon looked down
fun fact the garfield figure on the left is made entirely out of bubble gum
so yknow how some people are calling Elsa in frozen 2 butch even though she totally isn’t
man like what if huh
oh wait I’m an artist
I don’t know if this is butch so much as something that’s closer to my personal style but anyway here’s Gay Elsa with long and short hair flavors cause I couldn’t decide
My hip new communications theory is actually that millennial/gen z/internet native humor is so weird and abstract because of the sheer amount of words we’re exposed to daily. we’ve heard a lot of words in a lot of different orders so if you wanna get a reaction out of us you usually gotta put words in an order we haven’t seen before
So like normally structured jokes aren’t as funny anymore but “lemon lime spine” is a one-hit K.O.
you know i wanna disagree with you on principle, because it can’t be that simple, but “lemon lime spine” just made me crack up for the first time all day.