Seemed like I should move this outta drafts, rambly and unedited as it may be. Because, well, itâs unexpectedly relevant to a night filled with many unexpected events.
Moving the hell on from hell introspective doubt.
Being an animal-person is probably the hardest topic I could ever hope to write about. Itâs ludicrously nuanced and individual and so prone to misinterpretation that being succinct feels impossible.Â
Iâm a bat therianthrope. Not spiritual, not psychological, if you asked me what I felt the origin of my therianthropy is Iâd tell you to ask something more interesting. After fifteen years, the beginning seems irrelevant and if I took a guess at what exists organically/ without thought⊠no explanation would feel reflective of reality. Why am I a bat-person? Because Iâm living it and Iâm feeling it. Where did it come from? I donât know. Itâs just there. There might be no cause at all, just a strange collection of feelings with no discernible beginning.Â
I didnât always feel this way about the whys.Â
When I looked up âreal werewolvesâ years ago, wanting to know if my feelings were real and more importantly shared, and learned that therianthropy was a thing with a thriving community I spent the better part of ten years exploring not just how I was a therian or the experiences I had or if a bat was what I was. But how ârealâ I was. And how could I escape doubt and stigma and worries I was making things up? The answer seemed to lie in vigorous introspection. Like many people from the 2000s crowd, I threw myself into the deep end.
I read every bit of writing I could about what therianthropy was. I talked with friends and debated with forum-mates (got into plenty of drama, no surprise). I journaled sporadically but rambled often⊠much of it being cringy nonsense on Livejournal. Because I still thought my identity might be linked with spirituality or because the feeling that a theriotype could be truly random, I looked into dozens of animals, and countless bats. That sounds good on paper, right? It wasnât. It was laced with unnecessary pressure and stress that didnât relax for years.
Bat was screaming in my face, but so was a community focused on being sure in your theriotype and your ârealnessâ. How could I do that without being sure in myself? If I couldnât trust myself, then how could I get anywhere? That was what I needed most. That trust.
Looking back, a lot of that feels like such utter nonsense. Like I was looking at things in completely the wrong way. Itâs still the framework I would use on my old blog, when I was talking with anti-kin, before accepting talking to them was a pointless drain. Always it was about justifying my feelings existed, rather than simply existing and exercising mindfulness about what those feelings were and why were they important to me.
Not only that, but I was desperate for a community and knowing if I fit the current (at the time) definition of therianthrope was more important than it probably should have been. When now fitting in isnât important at all.Â
I believe that in the end we integrally know who we are, even when we cannot put it to words and so much of our community interaction pivots on our ability to be articulate. And the best way to introspect might not always be alone with our thoughts, but to simply share others what weâre experiencing. That itself is a form of mindness and critical thinking, but it comes with the (hopefully!) relaxed environment of a community of friends.Â
Our motivation is just as important as introspection and honesty. In many ways (with community involved which is key here) a portion of introspection can be, âDo I fit this term? Am I a therianthrope?â Rather than an exploration of ourselves and our relationship with the world around us.Â
If fitting a definition is meaningful to you, then by all means explore, learn as much as you can about it, interact with people who seem to have a similar experience. Youâll figure out if âtherianthropeâ fits you or if it doesnât. Eventually. Thatâs different than just knowing who you are though. And who we are needs no words and no articulate essay, braised under the heat of a fresh grilling.
If just living is important, then just live. Just experience your own existence for yourself.
Living and not putting value or weight into what precisely we are and why we are isnât criminal. Not everyone needs to walk the same path. And I know there are (and it happened recently) many people who are more than happy to flame me for that, like Iâm enabling people in jumping to conclusions about their identity. Iâm not responsible for other people.Â
If you donât care about fitting a definition perfectly, if you just want to talk to other people who seem very similar, do it. Just do whatever is most meaningful to you. Discover whatever is most meaningful. Donât smother yourself between the lines other people draw.
Ten years from now, what do you want to be looking back on? Hopefully youâll see a life lived in the way you loved best.
