Call me whatever you want~

I am very traumatised, tired and will be posting a lot of vents (Which has basically become about me writing about my thoughts, trauma, mood swings and such). My relapse of really toxic behaviours and thoughts is very bad now, so there are potentially triggering posts ahead. So please consider this a trigger warning (basically it's self destructive behaviour and a lot of childhood trauma. I'll be tagging that sorta stuff with #toxic rambles) / They-Them / Current song on repeat, last updated on the 24th of December 2021: https://youtu.be/7sbPXEdtWBQ ("Kareshi no Kanojo cover by 拡散NG originally by syudou) (Other Artists I often listen to: MARETU, Kikuo TOOBOE, Kirai Hiragi, Kururingo, Mothy-P, Peg, Neru, Mafumafu, Niru Kajitsu, Syudou, Kenshi Yonezu, Miy_yuu and Hachi )

[someonewholikesautumn]

Guess who came crawling back

Hi, to whoever reads this. It has been about 3 years since I´ve last been active. A lot has changed over the years but I´m still struggling with my mental health.

I´ve moved into a type of residential unit, so away from my parents now, however, I don´t really feel safe here either.

Not in the physical sense, that I may be beaten or something like that. It´s more in the direction of not feeling safe enough to show the care takers who I really am.

Whenever I tried to express myself, they have misunderstood me and they just come up with their own theories and why I am the way I am. Even though I have told them. Repeatedly.

They say that they care, but when it comes to me struggling with my mental health, they react ignorantly/ as though I´m just some moody teenager. They are only really nice to me when I am functional. And if I´m not functional, they basically say I´m not trying hard enough or just put pressure on me to be functional.

All in all I find the residential unit: eh. There is a lot to be wished but I know that realistically they won´t change. The main thing is that I´m not living with my parents.

[someonewholikesautumn]

Update about my life:

I'm in therapy again and am doing much better than before. I still have my bad days but it's been a few months since I went into the bad child headspace/mentality.

I also remember pretty much everything from my childhood/Grundschule except things about my mother. My head feels like there's something pressing on the front part of my brain when I try to think about her.

Just wanted to say that I'll be uninstallling Tumblr to try and get enough storage space for Genshin Impact~

(I gotta see though if that would be enough tho >~>. I need like 13885 MB, which is a lot...)

[someonewholikesautumn]

Toxic rambles:

So I've been doing pretty well recently because I went on a school trip for two weeks where I had zero contact with my mother.

I've been back for a while and my mental health has been kinda declining.

I've been self harm free for a while now. I don't remember how long but more than a month I think.

I just had a pretty long nightmare but I only woke up when my mother touched my shoulder. The area where she touched in dream felt so horribly filthy that I almost puked in reality out of disgust. I ended up cutting the area because it would otherwise not feel clean. They weren't deep cuts but I angled the cutter so that it would hurt more.

I don't know why but my brain is now associating self harm with being clean. This is probably a very big red flag for something.

My head is getting empty, so I'm gonna end this post here.

[someonewholikesautumn]

Pretty toxic rambles

Trigger warnings: self destructive behaviour, tw good and bad child behaviour stuff/ childhood trauma, tw dissociation

I feel weird.

I just hit my own head with force because I was being a stupid and bad child.( The thing that made me see myself as a stupid and bad child was that, I was too scared to get water because my mother is in the kitchen. But she's acting nice now, so that means she wasn't mean before and that I'm just remembering things wrong. Which then means that I should punish myself for thinking and feeling such stupid things like being scared of my mother. I'm just being overreactive/childish and am making my mother to be a villain when she has bought so many things for my school trip.)

But I also made a rule that hurting myself is bad and that I shouldn't do that.

So it was bad child behaviour for me to hurt myself but it also would have been bad child behaviour if I didn't punish myself.

There's no possible good child behaviour in this, and that then means I'm just a bad child.

I'm starting to feel light headed after writing this down.

I don't know if it's the dehydration and lack of sleep.

It probably is both.

[someonewholikesautumn]

So something slightly concerning is happening again.

My head is usually just empty here and there over the course of the week, but it isn't solely just empty for a week.

The last time where my head was empty for such a long time, was when I had temporary memory loss.

My head has been feeling empty for almost a week straight and I'm starting to get concerned.

I can't remember anything clearly from my childhood, not even my emotions, which I typically remember even if the rest is foggy.

It also could just be that my head so empty that my perception of time is off and it actually hasn't been almost a week.

But my gut feeling is telling me it almost has been.

My head being empty doesn't pose a physical threat, it actually helps make sure that I take care of my body, but it isn't good for my mental health long term.

[someonewholikesautumn]

Vent/rant:

Please just leave me be.

I was doing so much better without you.

Please don't look at me, don't go through my things, don't yell at me, don't put me under pressure, don't make passive aggressive remarks und please stop gaslighting me.

I'm so tired. Please just let me rest. I'm begging you. Treat me as though I'm non existent.

[someonewholikesautumn]

Toxic rambles tw childhood trauma and self harm:

The thoughts of me being a bad child, is slowly integrating itself with my mind.

Because I often think that I'm a bad child, it feels like I have to punish myself. So I cut myself. At the beginning it hurt to the point where the area where I did it would feel physically weak, but now it barely hurts.

Though, I think that's mainly because I'm heavily dissociating.

Lately my mood swings range from being a bad child who should be punished, to a person who has never experienced the trauma, to a person willing to grow and heal and lastly to a person whose head is so empty that they can't even breathe properly.

I'm just tired. All of this is so much and I just want to rest.

[someonewholikesautumn]

I had trouble breathing today and I thought it was because of the stuffy air in my room.

It turns out that I'm dissociating so hard that I don't breathe for a good minute before I have to actively force myself to.

That isn't so rad.

[someonewholikesautumn]

Kind of toxic rambles but it isn't as bad as my last post:

I'm still in the "good child" and "bad child" headspace but it feels more casual.

I'm allowing myself to use the electricity and I ate more food today. It still was only a little but at least it wasn't just a small piece of fruit like yesterday.

So I think I may be slowly going out of that headspace, which is probably for the best.

[furiousgoldfish]

abusive parents: have a baby

baby: needs food, clothes, energy, attention, care, warmth

abusive parents: how dare. unforgivable. this is all child's fault. the nerve. the child will pay for this. we are the VICTIMS!!

[someonewholikesautumn]

It feels like my parents wanted children for the aesthetic rather than raising and caring for living beings.

[someonewholikesautumn]

Toxic rambles, tw disordered eating and toxic family dynamic:

I'm the head space of "good and bad child behaviour", after my mother was angry at me and my father called me selfish and needy because I asked to not have my trigger foods in the house for a month.

For over a day now. I've been trying to do good child behaviour to not be a burden to the family.

Good children shouldn't waste the family's resources no matter what it may be. So I'm not allowed to use the lights, take longer showers, speak unless spoken to and the such.

I also should only eat ca. 500 calories because I'm overweight. Only when I'm thin enough do I deserve to have enough calories and nutrition.

Adding on, I shouldn't burden my parents with my presence because I feel like it would annoy them, so I'm only allowed to leave my room for the bathroom and when they are sleeping.

There's more "good child behaviour" like basically living independently. So I make my own separate food, wash my own dishes, do my own laundry, make my own doctor's appointments and such.

I just don't want to be a bad child

[someonewholikesautumn]

Toxic rambles with some pretty negative thoughts;

I just had a pretty bad night terror where everything felt like as though it were reality.

I only managed to comfort myself after imagining that I would take the bus to go to a more isolate place and most importantly a place where my mother wouldn't be able to find me.

Realistically speaking, I can't do that. Since I am a minor I have to tell my parents at least that I'm going out or they will probably call the police.

So the second best option is to get a hug from my brother to comfort myself. But he is studying for his finals and I don't want to disturb him. He stops studying at 12 and it's only an hour until then. So I should wait and let him study in peace.

My thoughts quickly turned negative and were:

"You're a needy child, who only takes and takes. Why are you so burdensome?"

I only wanted a hug from my brother, but now I'm second guessing if I even have the right to do that.

Tw self harm:

I wanted to cut the words "needy child" into my arms but then a memory came to mind where I went to an urgent care mental health place. With what they said, it indicated that me cutting myself is something I shouldn't do.

I feel very confused and my head feels heavy.

Isn't it only right for a bad child to punish themselves?

I'm being serious when I say this. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone else, it's just me who's the bad child and who should punish themselves like this.

My head is starting to feel weird again. I think it will feel empty again soon.

[catgirlapologist]

math is RED. math is NOT green. literally WHAT are you guys talking about

[someonewholikesautumn]

Math is blue and you can't change that

[someonewholikesautumn]

My memory is being weird again.

I can't remember my past clearly unless something reminds me of a very specific moment. Similar to being triggered, but it isn't only unpleasant things.

For example, I had this long dream where I was back in this fantasy world where I left in the middle of a quest a few years ago. I forgot that world existed in my dreams until I dreamed of it again.

Another example would be that I listened to a song from The Untamed and I remembered in vivid detail a scene, this is in reality, where I casually listened to the soundtrack from it found on my recommended late at night and I was trying to draw something. I don't really remember more but I felt those specific emotions from the past again.

This memory and the present day was blurred to me and it felt like I was experiencing both at the same time.

This is really confusing.

[maternalscars]

[someonewholikesautumn]

I've listened to a few songs that I used to obsess over to try and calm myself and now my head feels weird. It's not like some sort of headache but more heavy? The front part of my brain feels like there's something squishing it. I can't really describe it.

[someonewholikesautumn]

Toxic rambles:

(I basically feel invalidated)

I made an appointment with a therapy place and they said that the wouldn't do an autism diagnosis because I've already done one at a different place.

It feels like others think I'm doing it for attention when I say I think I'm autistic and they don't take me seriously.

The time where I was at the Diagnostic appointment, I couldn't think about my answers. I don't mean this as an excuse, I mean this more as a legitimate reason as to why I didn't seem to hit the criteria. This is what happens when my head is empty. I get stressed, then I passively filter out my emotions and thoughts and then I behave automatically in order to please others and not to somehow make them angry.

One of the questions was if my relationship with others is stable, I said yes when it's actually the furthest thing from it.

I've literally been isolating myself from my friends for almost two years now because doing social interactions with them, since I put on a front to be more normal and entertaining, is too tiresome for me to continue.

Not to mention that I didn't feel safe with the person doing the diagnosis. I really can't stress enough on how extreme my experience is with not fitting in with others and their reactions to that. I've been taken advantage of by older people, been hit multiple times and have been out casted by others because I was too weird.

I also don't stim in front of other's because I'm terrified on what their reactions may be. It's to the point where I don't even know what my stims are because I've been repressing them so much.

My body completely shuts down when I'm overwhelmed. When I reach this state, I can't move my body, I can't speak and I can't think clearly.

My thoughts are in vibes and have no words in them. I have to actively put a layer of words over them.

Also the entire fact that I researched social interactions so that I wouldn't stand out.

It's just all so invalidating...

It also doesn't help that this feeds a lot into my craving for self destructive behaviour. It feels like I'm not enough, which is exactly what the traumatised child in me wants.