unfinished art is art with potential

[songstobefinished]

using and being used

we all use other people. it’s a fact everyone denies and most of us know we are lying. even i use people. but HOW do you use them ?

do you use them to ease your loneliness? have sex? tell a joke? eat dinner with?

i use them to distract myself. i dont want to sound like some snobbish moron who watches too much sherlock and mumbles ‘sheeple’ under his breath. but i don’t really need them THAT much. its nice to have people who care and stuff because it makes me feel important and like im a nice person. but if im alone ( which i mostly am), i dont really mind it. in fact, it is kind of pleasant.

but what has been annoying me recently, is how much OTHER people use me. for everything. mostly because im a fucking good audience to them. i listen. and i don’t mind, because i like listening. it’s fun. i like knowing about other people and their habits and what makes them sad and what makes them happy.

but what if people start thinking of you as the ’therapist friend’ ? i got 5 different notes from 5 different people saying im a good listener, which is good. but do people actually care whether i talk or not?

its easy to get most people to talk. its not easy to talk to them. people build up so much of a fucking monologue within their throats. just say ‘hi’ and erupts out like a volcano of words. i don’t mind. but just stop and see if the other person has something to say too.

also i feel like im a lot of people’s back-up. if they fought with friend A and friend B, im the shoulder to cry on/ear to shout on because im friend C. and THAT gets to me. i honestly dont give a fuck if this unfortunate person doesn’t ever talk to me again,  but please - at least be consistent.

i dont know why im feeling this way. im still going to listen and smile and nod. but i feel like im going to have one of my ‘people suck leave me the fuck alone’ phases soon, and it’s not something to look forward to.

[songstobefinished]

poetry for people you met a week ago.

i don’t remember much,

there isn’t much to remember.

but your eyes flickered.

and in that moment,

i knew this would hurt.

it was a long night.

but we had lights,

both above us,

and in your eyes.

i like the way

you part your hair.

no one can part,

like you do.

the noise in your head,

it leaks.

i can hear it,

it is music.

[songstobefinished]

content but not happy ?

okay so i havent written anything for a long time, but here goes.

i made a new ‘friend’ and she’s a girl and i know my imaginary blog readership probably knows this, but i really like weird people. and here’s the thing. she is weird SO WEIRD.

but also, i don’t feel like things click with her. i am silent most of the time i am with her. she thinks im hiding shit. i just dont have anything to say. ITS ALL EMPTY.

and she’s really pretty and all (really pretty) and has a real nice personality. BUT i feel like we will eventually run out of things to talk about. which is scary af because she seems really interest in me. ( she has explicitly told me this).

im not desperate for a relationship or anything and that is probably the ONLY thing which is stopping me from jumping into this hot piping mess of a maybe relationship. but i feel like if i take too long to make a decision, she might get over this very misplaced crush she has on me (why the fuck does she even like me?????????)

a few things she has said/done which are unprecedented : 

1) told me she finds me fascinating

2) thinks my voice is sexy

3) very open about how much she likes me

4) tells me she cares about me a LOT

okay these could be really good signs, or she could be a psychopath. i do not know. i am very afraid to commit to her because im very sure this might be a sinking ship. but i dont what i am basing these fears on. life is beautiful.

[songstobefinished]

avoiding people

I've been thinking about not spending a lot of time with people of a certain kind. these kinds include : 1) people who act like their time is more valuable than mine 2) people who all they do is grumble and complain about things I legitimately don't care about 3) people who don't make as much as effort to talk to me as I do with them it gets tiring and I really want to save my energy for things and people I care about. I'll see how this experiment goes.

[songstobefinished]

on belonging and being a furry

i was talking to a friend recently and told her ‘i wish i was a furry’.

just in case i become famous some day and someone digs up this blog and publishes this to stir up some controvery, let me clarify that i am neither attracted to anthropomorphic animals nor do i wish to dress up like one.

its just that ive always had a want of belonging. i mean, really DIE for each other kind of belonging. the kind where those people are everything i’ve ever wanted in people but never got. i think that would be epic. maybe i’ve been spoilt by movies and books about inseparable friendships, romantic relationships that end only with death, and yet continue in heaven. but i have yet to see such a thing in real life.

furries seem cool because itspeople who come together with similar minded people. they are free from fear of judgement and act true to themselves. i cant remember the last time i was myself in front of other people. it always seems like an imitation. im being what i want them to think of me, or i act like what their expectation of me is. it’s not an exhausting job, and perhaps that is the reason why i don’t stop doing this.

is it a fear judgement? maybe people won’t like who i am. having been called a ‘weirdo’ most of my life, i’ve grown used to it. but i think people actually mean eccentric or idiosyncratic when they call you a weirdo. but what if the real me is the sad kind of weirdo? the kind that doesn’t have friends ? the kind that is forced to enjoy their own company because no one else does? i dont know if i am such a person, but it would be great to be with people who would accept me even if i was.

[songstobefinished]

a bittersweet ending

Oh, in five years time I might not know you In five years time we might not speak Oh, in five years time we might not get along In five years time you might just prove me wrong - 5 years time, Noah and the whale 

how do you stop feeling what you’re feeling? as someone who often feels things he doesn’t want to feel, i continue my quest for the perfect answer to this question. but then the question arises, should you be able to control what you feel?

i dont fucking know. how do you stop liking someone you had a gigantic crush on ? you don’t talk to them for a really long time? check. you make a list of all their cons as a person? check. ( very demeaning, but it is a very personal exercise and the existence of that list is known to noone but me) but the next time you see THEM LAUGH AT SOMETHING SILLY YOU FUCKING LOSE IT OKAY.

so for now, let us see if the maintaining a distance thing works cause it brought it down from 100 to 10%. i really really want it to be down to 0% for my well being. (and hers, probably)

[songstobefinished]

I think we all just want someone to tell our fears to without fear of judgement

[songstobefinished]

better than others, you and themselves.

a pattern/cycle i noticed recently in the behaviour of a few people i was disillusioned with. bordering on narcissistic personality tendencies, these people are dangerous and emotional contact should be as little as possible.

step #1 : better than others.

sort of like how you engage with a mark in a con, this is to reel in the fish. they’ll make you feel like you really are different from everyone else. you’re special to them. you’re better than others. and just like that, you’re sucked in. and you want to live up to these expectations. so you give it everything : your time, your energy. especially hard to break this pattern if your’re a people-pleaser.

step #2 : better than you.

you’ll notice how they don’t really reciprocate the amount of effort you’re putting in. nor do they appreciate it. but because of the events having taken place at step#1, you don’t realize this. you keep giving. they’ll ignore you, respond in monosyllabic sentences, and in general, make you feel like crap. often giving out signals that they are better than you. step#2 can really make you feel like shit, quite the opposite of step#1, which feels like a garden of roses.

step #3 : better than themselves.

you might confront the aggravator about their behaviour. how they keep you waiting. they’ll either plead innocence, leading you to believe you’re imagining things/ insecure. ( a mild form of gaslighting). or they’ll ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS have an excuse for their behaviour. they’ll tell you their story, and it’ll be really hard to not sympathize with them. you’ll come out of the experience feeling like you are the villain in this story. you are not. but they’ll assure you that this is not their best behaviour and they are better than this.

and repeat the cycle. they’ll try to make up for their shitty behaviour by going through step#1 again, and you, none the wiser, will follow.

p.s. im not saying these are bad people, its just that they have their own stuff to sort out, and their thought patterns might need a little work because they harm those who are around them. don’t ostracize them, but keep this pattern in mind the next time you feel ignored by someone on purpose.

[songstobefinished]

it's 1 am and I've been listening to one direction for the past hour and I really get the appeal

[songstobefinished]

dreams

I'm having waaaaay too many weird dreams. I don't usually even have dreams. 18th July 2018

[songstobefinished]

a friend sent me this and said this was me to him and I almost cried. I don't think I deserve this and what the fuck how are people so good to each other

[songstobefinished]

the dream

I had a dream Will Toledo shot me in the forehead with a gun. what the fuck

[songstobefinished]

WHY

I DON’T KNOW WHY SHE’S DOING THIS. IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OVER, YOU CAN’T CALL SOMEONE WHEN IT’S OVER !!!!!!!!

[songstobefinished]

I regret

all the time i spent with people when all they were doing is bringing me down/ telling me I'm not worth their time. I'm going to be a lot more conscious of who spend my time with now. I've been giving it away to anyone who asked. it's a valuable commodity. 16th July 2018, 2 months and three days since summer vacation. New semester starts on 1 August.

[songstobefinished]

persian rugs and an inability to get A’s

there is this thing that persian rug-makers do. they make an intentional wrong stitch in their rugs, or a pattern. they believe only god is allowed to make perfect things. anyone else doing that, is making a blasphemous statement.

how does this relate to me? ( if it didn’t , i really wouldn’t bother writing about it) well i think i suffer from the same thing. there are so many limitations i/we put on myself/ourselves. you can’t be this happy, only achievers are allowed to be this happy. you can’t get an A in this course, that’s only for smart people. you can’t talk to that person, they’re cool.

who is the blasphemy against in this case? there is no god here. it’s against the images we make up in our minds. we classify people as achievers, smart or cool. and label ourselves as being (or more commonly not being) these things. it’s weird how we limits ourselves with our own thinking. 

[songstobefinished]

who is a good friend ?

anyone who remembers your birthday is a good friend

[songstobefinished]

I read Anthony bourdians book kitchen confidential and I REALLY REALLY want to visit Tokyo soon.