The Wanderer's Curse

Words and poetry sharing the life and dreams of a sailor

[sophiathesailor]

Craving

Why yearn for what is unattainable

Why dream of what is only fantasy

Why torture yourself with hope

Why seek the source of sorrow

Why look through the window

At what will only reject you

Hold yourself apart

Remain cold as stone

Stand up straight

Never let them see you

Truly see you

Beneath your mask

For they will only mock you

Remind you why you’re broken

Why you’re empty

Why you’re alone

Why you’ll never be chosen

Stare back at them with emptiness

Let them believe you’re above them all

When all you really desire

Is for someone

To truly see you

And love you anyway

[sophiathesailor]

my companion

Death holds my hand

I should be scared

I see dawn starting its journey 

Soft colours brushed in the sky

Gentle tweets of awakening birds

Yet my companion entices me

Offering me a rest from it all

Oblivion in darkness

Comfort in finality 

Should I embrace him fully

Or let him remain my companion

Through hope and tragedy

Or joy and love

Best make my decision

Before the dawn snatches away my gloom

And death leaves my side for the day

[sophiathesailor]

art in a form

Words never do justice

To the depth of emotions I feel

The power of my rage

The overwhelming grief that rips me apart

The numbness that stills me to my core

That lets me lie in the cold unable to shiver

The fear of rejection that forces a smile

To hide the bright eyes that want to cry

The love I feel which only wounds me

Allowing me to feel hope and desire

Giving me only inadequacy and nightmares

If only I could write a symphony

That would make you feel my existence 

Or draw a picture of such beauty and pain

Dance a mesmeric journey of emotions

Yet instead you see my eyes

Empty and blank

My smile bland and fake

My body fat and useless

My voice weak and boring

My life inconsequential 

[sophiathesailor]

Endless Cycle

The dreaded emptiness rebounds 

In the hollowness of my existence

Eternity stretches through loneliness

Another dawn of sadness

Another dusk of nothing

Time creeps closer towards the end

The line I ache to cross

Yet the distance is unknown 

A journey where I dare to hope for happiness

Fleeting glimpses of joy tease my hopefulness

Yet reality bites

I only have ghosts

To hold me through the night

To watch me as I wander

Alone in the prison of my making

[sophiathesailor]

Escape

Days start the same and end the same

Awareness creeping into my head

A split second of pleasurable ignorance

Then recollection floods my mind

And the drop of despair

Wears another minuscule thread of my life 

Away from the sands of time

The day passes in an echo of repetition 

Emptiness greets me at the end

A cold embrace I cannot escape from 

Time like a heavy weight on my chest

Light catches on my window

Even as my body lays in bed

Wishing for respite from the yawning quiet

I close my eyes chasing the darkness

Praying for my nightly escape to come

Into the land of dreams where for a moment

I’m free from the dreariness

Loved wholly and fiercely 

But then awareness creeps in

Stealing me from my happiness

Back to the land of the living

Where I wish for death

[sophiathesailor]

Resignation

There was no epiphany 

No ground breaking event that occurred

It was the relentless drip of life 

That one day shattered me

There is no hope for me

No future to wish for

No dream to pursue

Nothing can change the path I’m on

It’s empty and desolate

I’ve passed everyone and everything I was ever going to see

Love passed me by in a daze

Happiness whistled through me

Children laughed as they skipped past

The tinkle of their laughter haunts me

Family hid from me

Death held my hand and whispered sweet promises of a future together

Friends slowed their pace to avoid me

I’m resigned to my fate

And just pray the path before me is short 

[sophiathesailor]

Betrayal

You let me dream of a world with you in it

I lost myself in the beauty of that fantasy

Danced with the grace of love

Sang with the magic of hope

Yet as I span round with joy

I realised your hand was not on mine

Your presence had melted away

The words mouthed softly fading echoes

My feet stumble frantically

Mind focusing on the illusion of hope

I cannot breathe

I’m spiralling without oxygen

My eyes watch as your life continues

Without a beat missed 

Not noticing me crashing down

Dying without the crumbs you gave me

I’m crashing down into darkness

You glance back as I slip away

A slight smile crosses your face

The mask slips as your aim is achieved

[sophiathesailor]

I tried

I left behind the chaos and uncertainty

I sought out predictability and routine

I embraced normality 

I explored new opportunities 

I found new experiences to try 

I conformed to the expectations of life

Yet I’m drowning under the mundane

I long for adventure and unpredictability

Yet I know it won’t heal the pain

I dream of shores far away

Yet I know if my feet touch that reality

I’ll cry into the loneliness of my soul

I seek for love and acceptance 

Yet no matter where I search

It is not to be found for me

The days blur and pass

My smile withers and fades

Hope appears when he is home

Yet is crushed when I’m discarded

My routine and his are not compatible

His door won’t open for me

The hope just a fantasy

I tried to be worth enough to enter 

I want to run away

Yet I’ve been to the corners of the earth

And there was no escape

So I’ll stay in the prison I’ve created

And dream of death saving me

From all that which discarded me

[sophiathesailor]

Perspective 

What do you have to be sad about

They say through laughter 

As the mask of perfection had slipped

Letting through a glimmer of tears 

Perception of reality distorted through 

The mirror of deceptions performance

Raw pain pulses through the numbness 

A million cuts start weeping crimson

The ache of barrenness

The blow of rejection 

The grief of failure

The loss of love

The heartbreak of death

Is that not enough to be broken from

Can anything ever stem the bleeding

I seek for love yet it despises me

I beg for acceptance yet it spits on me

I cry for protection yet it wounds me

I wait instead for death

Yet it won’t find me

Grant me peace from this life 

Let my eyes close to never open again

[sophiathesailor]

Insanity

He very nearly loved me

I said love me always

I wanted him to love me

She said come back to me

She wanted him to stay safe

Inside the insanity of his other life

He very nearly loved me

Nearly threw away the key

Locked inside the insanity with me

But he didn’t love me

Kept the key for his sanity

Left me locked inside

My insanity of life without him

Walked away and threw away the key

[sophiathesailor]

Erasure

The love you feel so deep

One day will be buried

So far beneath the dirt of feelings

That only dreams touch on

Leaving you dazed and curious

As to whether it was real

Or just a fantasy of your mind

Your body shivers from the echo

Of the pleasure felt before from

Fingers caressing your body

Yet when you seek the memory

Only emptiness and darkness responds

The tantalising taste of desire

Has slipped from your reality

Leaving behind only crushed emptiness

Yet how can you be sad

When the memories no longer exist

And the man you loved

You wouldn’t remember

Even if he came and promised you

The world you always dreamed of

Erasure the only way to live

Otherwise those who love you

Would be burying your body

Under the dirt of reality

For only death could contain

The knowledge of you

[sophiathesailor]

I want to die

I am nothing

My future does not exist

For it is empty

Your life is full of love

Your family is your future

I’m so tired of trying to fill this emptiness

Exhausted of being on my own

My life is a prison of nothing

I cannot bear to exist

My days are spent in pain

Yet I cannot find a way to die

Sleep is my only escape

Yet when I wake I still exist

I want to die soon

Yet I’m scared to kill myself

I beg to die young

Yet who listens when you are alone

[sophiathesailor]

Flatlining

You look at me and I know I’m your world

Your laughter makes my heart beat

Our joy together makes all else fade

Our story is madness throughout

Yet together unbreakable

But the days pass by till the madness fades

Leaving each other breaks the heart

Erratic beats pains my body

Emptiness is my life only

Your contact like a drip of rain through a drought

This reality my world to bear

I feel nothing anymore the beat is dead

My heart flatlines yet I am still alive

This living hell bedevils my being

I am nothing yet I cannot pass

Through to the world where peace is given

Allow me my dignity let me pass

My heart is gone forever

Flatlining always without him

My world my being my always

[sophiathesailor]

Future past and present

You’re not my future

Yet you tell me how you love me always

You’re not my past

Yet you haunt my footsteps with your memories

You’re not my present

Yet I cannot disentangle my heart

My life is weaved around yours

However far I am from you

I’m with you yet never there

Our fantasies fuel our blood with fire

I cannot take a breathe without feeling you

Erasing you is impossible

Living without you hell

What is this life if not with you

Every night my spirit roams freely

Finding you in my dreams

Passion ours in the twilight of delusion

My body mind and spirit yours

My future past and present only mine

[sophiathesailor]

Rescue

Will there be any rescue

From this pit of self destruction

Each day I try and lie a little more

A fleeting message of hope

Crashes down like the waves

Of my happiness dashed on

Rocks of hurt and pain

I have no more tears to cry

I’m broken through your lies

Future such a broken mess

There is no future only the past

Once there was joy so bright

Now shades of black encroach

Smother me drowning out

All I ever was

There is no future me

This is me forever more

Broken ashamed and lost

The lies my raft to cling onto

Melt beneath me to the depth

So dark and never ending

[sophiathesailor]

The Song

Solitary note enchants it’s spell upon me

Spirit lifts on the memory so deep

I can feel your caress on my skin

See your lips singing your lullaby

Watch my body rise to your tune

Cold brushes on my cheeks

Eyes focus on reality so cruel

I’m here yet you’re gone

These memories echo and haunt me

I chase your ghost forever

Wake and you’re not there

In my fantasy you’re with me always

Fantasy reality memories entwine

Truth is lost in blurred madness

You’re my addiction forever more

[sophiathesailor]

Empty

The joy one must feel picturing their lives

Future laid out with family abundant

Children growing and loving

Age matures emotions felt so deeply

Yet picture an alternative reality

Life devoid of family

A whisper echoed in your mind forever

You are not worthy of love

Everything you find will never be enough

You capture hearts yet not souls

Eyes worship you yet never pray

For a life with you

Your life is but a passing thought

There is no purpose or destiny

You wander and seek joy

Temporary highs leave you sated

Crashing down reaffirms you’re alone

The future I see is darkness

I run towards her seeking respite

Mockingly she lengthens her void

I’m falling downwards forever

This life’s torturous journey