A red flag: "I don't want you to see me as an authority figure"
If your boss or academic advisor says something like âI donât want you to see me as an authority figure,â thatâs a major red flag. It almost always means that they want to get away with breaking the rules about what powerful people are allowed to do. Theyâre probably not treating you as an equal. Theyâre probably trying to exercise more power over you than they should.
Sometimes authority figures say âI donât want you to see me as an authority figureâ because they want you to do free work for them. The logic here works like this:
They want you to do something.
Itâs something that it would be wrong for an authority figure to order you to do.
If they were a peer asking for a favor, it would be ok to ask, and also ok for you to say no.
The authority figure wants you to obey them, but they donât want to accept limits on what itâs acceptable to ask you to do.
For purposes of âwhat requests are ok to makeâ, they donât want to be seen as an authority figure.
They also want you to do what they say. Itâs not really a request, because youâre not really free to say no.
Itâs usually ok to ask your friends if they would be willing to help you move in exchange for pizza. Itâs never ok to ask your employees to do that.
Itâs sometimes ok to ask a friend to lend you money for medical bills (depending on the relationship). Itâs never ok to ask your student to lend you money for a personal emergency.
Sometimes authority figures pretend not to have power because they want to coerce someone into forms of intimacy that require consent. They know that consent isnât really possible given the power imbalance, so they say âI donât want you to see me as an authority figureâ in hopes that you wonât notice the lines theyâre crossing. Sometimes this takes the form of sexual harassment. Sometimes itâs other forms of intimacy. For instance:
Abusive emotional intimacy: Excepting you to share your feelings with them, or receive their feelings in a way thatâs really only appropriate between friends or in consented-to therapy.
Coming to you for ongoing emotional support in dealing with their marital problems.
Trying to direct your trauma recovery or âhelp you overcome disabilityâ.
Asking questions about your body beyond things they need to know for work/school related reasons.
Expecting you to share all your thoughts and feelings about your personal life.
Analyzing you and your life and expecting you to welcome their opinions and find them insightful.
Abusive spiritual intimacy: Presuming the right to an opinion on your spiritual life. (Eg: Trying to get you to convert to their religion, telling you that you need to pray, trying to make you into their disciple, telling you that you need to forgive in order to move on with your life.)
If someone says âI donât want you to see me as an authority figureâ, it probably means that they canât be trusted to maintain good boundaries. (Unless theyâre also saying something like âIâm not actually your boss, and you donât have to do what I sayâ.) Sometimes they are intentionally trying to get away with breaking the rules. Sometimes itâs less intentional. Some people feel awkward about being powerful and donât want to think about it. In either case, unacknowledged power is dangerous. In order to do right by people you have power over, you have to be willing to think about the power youâre have and how youâre using it.
Tl;dr If someone has power they donât want to acknowledge, they probably canât be trusted to use their power ethically.
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