I want to play Deltarune. Truly, I do!
But I find myself stopped by a quiet sinking fear.
I like to feel needed in the games I play. I like to fix things and solve problems, I like to see stories play out in their entirety, and I like making all the 'right' choices. And I like to think that, in these kind of games, I am nothing but a guiding hand. Maybe I'm a voice to guide. Maybe my presence is a trauma response to aid. Maybe I'm nothing but a ghost of temporary possession, or a simple instinct that's followed.
It's a selfish desire, and perhaps a childish way of thinking. But I want so badly for it to be so.
Deltarune makes me reconsider that. Or, maybe I should say that the content I'm seeing of Deltarune is making me consider that and making me really understand what that means for my own perception of things.
Undertale was one of my first major experiences with a Fandom space, and my first time in a fandom spaces that big. It came to me at a time where I was struggling at home, trying to figure out who I truly was and not who my parents expected and wanted me to be. It helped me learn I liked peace, I liked helping, it reminded me I loved art and creating. It was the first major step towards me realizing that it wanted to create things that made people feel, the kind of feeling that you can't quantify, you can't really explain unless you've felt it.
The fandom was wild back in the day, yes, but the fan works taught me to think more critically about the game and the gaps in stories. Was Chara really evil? Was Frisk really as innocent as so many said? What really constituted evil and good in this world? It gave Frisk a million histories and showed me that even the people from the harshest places didn't have to become violent. It gave me faith I could still choose good, even when everyone tried to take that option away.
And now I find myself faced with a new chapter in life. Because none of those messages and lessons above were wrong. But now I'm older. And now I'm faced with bigger and scarier questions- Perhaps when I'm trying to do good, maybe I'm not helping at all? Will I one day be as forgotten as some of the ghosts within the game, a bare mention across another person's tale? And, perhaps my highest fear- if I let go of my grief and pain if the past, will I be the same person? Or will I have become corrupted. Will I lose my ability to imagine and create? Will I lose any semblance of a story? And if things were different, would I even be anything of note at all? Or would I too have been left behind, just as so many versions of myself have been through my life.
I want to make it clear, I dont think this is a bad thing. And I do think, from what little I've seen, deltarune is a good game. I just find myself....sat. Thinking.
Are we, as the Player, a good thing? Are we controlling and causing harm? Are we simply scared to let go of these games and be left alone again? It seems like Kris doesn't need nor want us so........why are we even there if we can't help? Are we just a seeping infection? Or are we perhaps representative of a gap between childhood and adulthood, that moment of grief and silence that hangs in the mind of someone raised in a world that never chose Mercy like we could?
I don't know. And I'm sure Toby fox never meant to create something so deep. But, once again, his creations just have me sat here. Thinking.
