Soul’Stress

Writer

[soul-stress]

LEO – Crush #1

Do I want to date at this stage in my life? No.

But I’m so bored right now that I’m going to create some CRUSH(s).

 Let’s call him Leo.

 I’m at rehearsals with Leo, I can’t believe that I used to despise this guy. Initially he came across as super arrogant. We were supposed to host the show together, but he took control of the storyline that we were going to be presenting on stage.

 We had access to lighting and staging above the auditorium, and while everyone else started practicing their talent routines on stage bet, Leo’s ex-girlfriend was dancing. He was just dogging her routine. I’m not a pick me girl, so I called him out on his disrespectful behavior. “Don’t be rude, it doesn’t look cute LEO; you dogging her right now makes you look insecure”.

 I’m not sure if that woke something in him, he really became more considerate after that.

 The next day I was walking towards the event space, and I saw Leo waiting for me half-way. He grabbed my heavy books and walked me to the space. He was talking to me about the notes for our performance, and asking me about things I liked.

 It was a cute…

[soul-stress]

Existing

I roll over to check my phone

My room is dark

And it’s 4 pm, on a Saturday.

I don’t know what I was expecting,

Was anyone going to miss me?

Was anyone going to look for me?

And if they did, was that going to change how I feel?

I don’t want to move from this place,

In between pillows, in the middle of my bed.

I feel safe, I don’t have to care about what’s happening outside.

I don’t have to care about feelings, including my own.

My life, the one that I’m living, feels like it’s happening someone that’s not me.

I’m floating, existing, letting be what lives,

The oxygen I breathe feels hollow,

And tight, just like a pair jeans 2 sizes

Too small.

[sweetsourbum]

Nightcap with the boys

[pastel-hazey-dreams]

[soul-stress]

Growth is never linear 

[dropkickwritersblock]

Write a piece about a slow apocalypse

[soul-stress]

The cold air races pass me,

And elicit tears

As I walk quickly through the crowd

Of howling teens,

The sun is well past down,

At four pm,

And it’s a bleak winter evening.

I tried to look as if I knew where

I was going, it’s going be 15 minutes top.

Groceries, only grab things I can carry in my hand,

Try not to catch the attention others.

There has been a shooting out here not too long ago,

Over soda, a “refill” of a soda, I believe.

People wait for the meekest reason

To feel slighted over,

You never know when you’ll trigger someone—

To flip the switch,

There’s been a lot of that lately,

Shootings, stabbings, pushing fellow pedestrians in front of a moving trains,

Like an evil spell has been casted on the country

I see rage in the eyes I happen to meet,

I see danger in the darkness,

between lamp posts,

You can’t go anywhere,

Without being hyper vigilant.

[soul-stress]

Closing a Chapter

Sometimes it’s easier to move on,

When the other person does it first.

I needed that closure,

I needed to know that the chapter is definitely closed.

 I had no more tears left to cry,

I’ve done most of that in three years,

And I was always met with unemphatic eyes.

 You can’t force someone to love you, or have them

see you the way you see them

 It hurts to be rejected

To feel unwanted,

And most importantly to have you worth

Feel depleted.

 But after all these years,

I feel unapologetically free.

[soul-stress]

There are always Surprises

There will be days in your adulthood,

Which you’ll never be prepared for.

 I never thought that we’d ever be woke

Enough to normalize mental health.

 I haven’t been prepared to take medication

For anxiety, and have it had real life impacts on my memory.

 I had blacked out.

 I had apparently appeared normal,

I apparently had a coherent conversation.

 It looked like I showered,

And attempted to clean up my condo.

 But I woke up at 12 am in utter shock.

I had no clue what had happened in the last 6 hours.

 I had hoped that with the passing days,

And “re-counting my steps”

That I would remember,

But no such luck.

 Now I don’t know where I go from here…

All I know is that I struggled,

And I continued, continuing on.

 It’s going to be okay.

We’re all going to be okay.

If you think you can’t make it through something,

This is your sign that you will,

And you’ll come out stronger.

 I don’t know who I’m trying to convince,

But the hope is to impact just one person.

 Sending you so much love,

Endless internet.

[soul-stress]

It’s love actually...

There’s a saying that goes

“One day you went out

With your friends,

without either of you realizing

that it was the last day

you’d go out to play”

Life, work, love

The lessons you’ve learned

Along the way

Marks the next phase in your life

You’ve always talked of attaining with your friends

“When I’m older, I’ll be so happy with

With the love of my life”

Or

“I can’t wait to be a parent”

It all seemed like pipe dreams

To our young and arrogant selves,

The things we’d dream

Would happen in the near or distant futures

Imagine my surprise when I walk into

a restaurant with my boyfriend,

And see my best friend with his wife

(Who happens to be related to me somehow)

And daughter, after three years

Grinning ear-to-ear

We wave across the room;

My boyfriend puzzled, at how

I managed to already make friends

At a date night he planned and a location he chose

I also don’t have immediate family living in Canada,

So I can understand his confusion.

We picked up where we left off,

Like it was yesterday we were at work,

Eating Krispy cream donuts and enjoying coffee;

Imagining up, what our futures would be like.

Except I’m holding his nine-month old baby

(My Niece)!? In my arms,

And introducing him to my significant other.

I’m happy, I’m sad, and I’m extremely proud

Of how far we’ve come,

How we still support each other,

And that after all this time nothing has really changed.

I’ll always miss the friends

I don’t have the luxury of seeing everyday

But they’ll always be in my heart

Where we’ll go out

And play...

[soul-stress]

Dissociative

It doesn’t feel like my life.

I look around and try to settle into

The silence, the calm, and the peace.

Perhaps, that’s my toxic trait.

I chase things that don’t fit,

I like people who hurt,

I need to be needed,

Messy, Chaotic middles

Is my catharsis.

I learn the most about myself,

The heights of my emotional and physical being,

When things aren’t simple.

 I guess this is the messiest middle to be in.

How do I accept unruffled waters?

How do I leave behind the toxicity, and accept love now?

How do I continue to grow, without expecting weeds, thorns, and pits?

 Isn’t this what I wanted?

Am I not the person I need to be, to have this in my life now?

 Questions, all open ended

With no short answers.

 This is as real as it gets endless Internet…

Thank you for listening while I figure it out.

[soul-stress]

Almost, Never.

I Almost didn’t want to write this,

Because I’m feeling uninspired.

 But the important thing, is to start.

Start small,

Take baby steps.

 But let’s talk about the things that I’ve yearned for,

And how they have changed since I’ve last written to you,

Endless Internet.

 I have always been seeking a whirlwind kind of Romance.

The kind of love, which seems to be written in the stars,

And is all consuming.

 And I’ve always been in this state of searching,

For about six years of my life.

 As an introvert, I didn’t hate being alone.

I’ve written, I’ve read, and learned to do social things on my own.

 I’ve gone to the movies without company,

I’ve experience immersive art and culture,

On my time, and in my schedule.

 But there were times, I wish I had company.

 So, like many restless Toronto youth’s,

I did what many people do, to find their significant others.

I joined the dating apps.

 I learned how to date others,

The way I dated myself.

Build shared experiences, and have fun.

 Until I met him,

And he took me by storm.

 There wasn’t a minute,

I wanted to spend away from him.

If I was alone, I wanted him in myspace,

To be a lone with.

 I felt as if I’ve changed,

I’m a couple person now.

 I’ve forgotten about the things,

I used to do alone.

The reading, the writing, the experiences.

 Now I have shared experiences with someone else.

And they’re particular, and inquisitive.

Questing why I do what I do,

How I became the way I am,

 And although reasonable,

It’s feels tedious as explaining my favorite color.

 What it is I need is balance,

An introvert doesn’t do so well,

When they’re constantly on go.

 Anyways I’m still learning to figure it out.

Ttyl.

[aridante]

Aeschylus (trans. Anne Carson), from An Oresteia; “Agamemnon”

[soul-stress]

Pause

The clouds are out,

And it’s raining.

I want to curl up in bed with a bowl of soup –

I’ve set up my candles,

Put up my tweed tea over ice,

Got my depressed ass in the shower

To come out feeling smooth.

 I want to, want, moving on,

I want to, want, not having intrusive thoughts

Of big hugs, kisses, and my one-sided love

 Half of somebody is not better

Then not having them at all

 But rainy days are synonymous with cuddle weather

 I want to want our largest organ

To collide, to intertwine,

And feel the warmth on our skin.

 I can have it all,

If I put in the effort into being present,

And meeting new people.

 But today I slip into their shirt,

And pause.

[soul-stress]

Lessons

It was difficult for me to allow myself

To exist in social spaces

Alone.

I was notorious for having company.

I had a friend who came with me to the movies,

A date for dinner,

Someone to take a stroll with

A date, a friend, a stranger.

I was socially dependent on having a companion.

I’d go out of my way to make others feel comfortable in my presence,

hoping that they’d show me the courtesy.

In my mind…I would, at least have one friendly face

That I can explore the world with.  

Except sometimes they weren’t available when I wanted to go,

Or they’ll be there, and would have to leave.

Sometimes I’ll want to take a glimpse,

But there are times that I’d like to relish in the experiences.

I knew I had to go at it alone.

I can exist, and take up space,

Just as much as anyone else.

I started small, and then I took big steps.

I’m seeing the world on my terms.

Now when I have company,

I am comfortable and confident

All on my own.

[soul-stress]

Stocking the snack drawers

[soul-stress]

Something About Duplicity

When my mom used to argue with me,

she used to say

“I don’t like you right now, but I’ll always love you”.

It’s an accurate description of how I feel…

I don’t like you,

I don’t like the person you are with me,

You’re demeaning, rude, disrespectful, and flakey at best…

But oh, there’s something about the way you look at me,

Which makes me curious… and makes me appreciate,

The strength behind your silence,

Your brooding presence that consumes me whole

In darkness, but sheds some light

On things that aren’t said, but felt.

You don’t deserve my compassion, and trust,

But I respect the decisions you’ve made in the past,

And I will continue to respect the decisions you make,

Just not the ones you’ve made with me,

So no, I don’t like you, and if my mind could control my heart

It would tether my irritation, my disappointment, my hurt,

My uneasiness, my tears,

the broken promises, and the disrespect

With you entirely,

But instead

I write with love,

Because I may not like you, but I’ll always love you.

[soul-stress]

Is anyone out there?

Hi Endless Internet,

It’s been a minute since I’ve scribbled my scattered thoughts

Along your dashboard.

Patience, none.

We’re living in the click bait, fast dates, and endless talking stages era.

I am an unwilling, and reluctant participant.

I have haphazardly created dating profile(s)

With little empathy, care, regard, or love;

And I started to realize that we’re all just floating around

Hoping to find a spark.

“What do you want?

What do I want?”

I hope to figure out,

And I hope you’ll stay tuned…

I’m living in the unknown,

And I’m not sure what I’ll discover.

I’m hoping by the end it will all come together.

 With Lots of Love,

Tor.girl

[bestofjohnnydepp]

I stand with Johnny Depp.