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@soundscapesystem
okay!!! we finally finished making the special about/moodboard/kin page things for those of us who front the most!!! if you look at our alter page, anyone who has (full page) next to their name you can click it and get to more pages abt them! its taken foreverrrr to get all of us frequent fronters to actually work on em even tho i always bug everyone to do theirsss but the last two hold outs finally made theirs!!! yippie!!!! :D
what doll maker did u use for ur system page? its so cute and versatile
Hello! Its called "EMSelfy"!
Its actually a downloaded version of the old dreamselfy/tinierme dollmaker that closed several years ago. Its only available in Japanese but is still very easy to figure out! And it has a ton of options despite some items being missing or not showing up correctly!
I don't remember the exact link I used to get to it, but I found this one from DA that is most likely the same link I used since I cant find any others!
https://www.deviantart.com/pastelberrysoda/journal/EMSelfy-dreamselfy-download-879150667
weve been using a previous hosts blog for like 3 new hosts now and at no point have we ever changed the name or the theme cuz it feels weird so we just keep like...roleplaying as him and reblogging things he would like. and there is zero reason to keep doing this.
so i guess i am the host now ... i dont really feel very different. memories are fuzzy but intact. i cant tell if im acting how i am because im trying to be who are expected to be, or if its because im afraid that who i am is too big for people to accept me, or we have some sort of shell personality thing going on. or im just genuinely like this. i still feel really dissociated all the time. i hope it goes away soon ... kai is staying close to front to help me. it feels almost like there may be another split and thats why things still feel so shakey and uncertain. i hope its not that but its starting to feel like it could be.
the system is a mess right now... our last host was not really very thrilled with the job so that has been a tension point for a while now, but then we split and he is not prepared for hosting at all especially our current job+school situation. so ive had to come back out of my very much appreciated hibernation to host again. im not exactly upset, but it always seems like when things are particularly busy and stressful the boys disappear and leave it on me...go figure lol but thats alright, i get it, we have to spend all day in a Girl Costume so that is undoubtedly the main reason theyre all avoiding it, and my temperament does suit this work better anyhow. the new split is mostly just around while we are at home or otherwise not actively engaged with school or our job, although at this point school is just a second job that i dont get paid for. its exhausting. everytime i think "i dont know how im going to get through this" the new split is at least nearby and encouraging which seems to be his main purpose. i am thankful for him for that. it is odd hes another fictive though because we have historically had very few but i think he is the third in a row now. im not sure why were getting more fictives recently? i mean they all make sense given the situations that caused them but it just unusual for us so i wonder if theres a reason or if its just a coincidence.
anyway, thats a lot to say that things are somewhat chaotic and i am very very very tired. im very stressed. but im here and ill get through it somehow.
-Kai
oh to have foxes play where I've laid to rest
I look at ppl who are "anti medication" the same way i look at anti vaxxers tbh.
Like I'm sorry to sound "we can't all be neurotypical, karen" but. some people actually genuinely need medication. like cannot function or even be alive without it. I get that the psychiatry field has a lot of abuse but saying that no one should use it is insane.
Hope this isn't derailing but I've genuinely had people tell me (e.g. my mom's friend) to stop taking my rheumatoism medication because "big pharma" and "they are poisoning us" and should instead take globuli and pray 💀
You know. The medication. That medication my joints and tendons would ERODE AWAY without.
Anti-medication people are so fucking stupid it's insane.
Anti medication people scared me away from trying antipsychotics as an adult (rather than being forcibly sedated as a kid) for like a decade, until I got a psych willing to start me on a microdose and go up from there.
And it turns out, I spent that decade in a constant state of crisis for no fucking reason other than fearmongering about how I would lose my entire sense of self, stop being able to make art or even read books, would be functionally lobotomized and unable to even understand how broken I'd become, etc etc.
Medication can be misused, especially in high control settings like psychiatric institutions. But if you're living under your own care, medication may be what lets you go from struggling to survive, to actually living a life.
It's worth trying.
This is, IMO, true of all medication, doubly true of psych meds, and triply true of pain meds, which people are notoriously afraid to take.
A (now ex) boyfriend convinced me to stop my antidepressants. I wound up in the psych ward for a week.
Medication is really important.
Take your meds for the next 1,288 days
hm. i dont feel like myself. not in a switchy way...just. i think i get what logan meant when he said that he feels more like himself now that he isnt host. i guess i just feel like i cant be myself, im just a collection of things people expect from me, and those expectations are just a big jumble of other alters traits. they expect me to be quiet but a little snarky at work, so i am. my friends expect me to laugh at certain jokes and enjoy certain things so i go along with it. my classmates expect me to be pessimistic and blunt and sarcastic so i am. but i dont know how much of that is actually me. one friend expects me to enjoy eating out and watching horror movies together and i dont know if i like either of those things. every day feels like im taking a test and every hour i have to correctly guess the expected response to my surroundings and i dont know if any of those are actually me. i dont know what i like, what i dislike, almost anything. i dont know how much im even actively fronting at this point cuz the day is so blurry. i feel like im on autopilot i guess. i dont know how to find out what i like and what i dislike because im scared about what happens if its too different from whats expected of me? what if im too different and everyone leaves me? its scary and i dont know what to do. the singular thing i know i genuinely enjoy myself for sure is anything to do with aliens! i really do love watching x files. i rlly do love listening the alien episodes of lpotl. i like watching documentaries about abductions and stuff! but thats basically it. maybe thats why i feel like a shell of a person. maybe thats my only real personality trait and everything else is...just...empty. so it gets filled w everyone elses traits to make up for me not being a complete person. but if thats true why in the fuck did our brain make me host? can i Make myself into a full person or am i just stuck like this? i dont even know how i would Start doing that.
@wyattxplores
...i try so hard to avoid arguing abt shit these days but i just saw a post that used the phrase "dsm 5 cult" seemingly to refer to people who believe in like...idk the concept of psychiatry in general??? and insisted that. like. everyone in the wide world is a system. and i kinda wanna beat myself in the head with hammers. i unfollowed a blog weve followed for years now over it cuz christ how stupid and ignorant and also just plain cruel can u be lmao "claiming ppl who dont fit the diagnostic criteria for osdd/did are fake is bad" like...u just said the concept of my diagnosis as a whole is fake cuz my brains response to life ending trauma is the exact same as having a customer service voice i am going to explode.
I learned about how other DID systems experience amnesia and one description has hit the nail on the head. We experience black-out amnesia, but not how it is commonly portrayed online or in media. We do not get confused about where we are, find ourselves in places we do not remember going. We do not notice our amnesia unless we are reminded of it.
Amnesia to us is like digging through sand trying to find the memory in our brain.
I do not recall forgetting something until i am supposed to remember the events. It feels to me like i have experienced every second of every day. I find it difficult to notice memory gaps on my own, and i believe that is partly the point of DID.
cant go to sleep. too anxious. dont wanna take. sleeping pill. need to sleep but hwat if it storms again and i dont wake up in time what do i do then
its storming out and i got a tornado warning earlier and all i can hear is the rain and im scared to go to sleep. sleeping during a storm used to be comforting, but since helene its terrifying. im afraid if i go to sleep ill wake up to my house flooded again.
every day i gotta learn new bullshit abt how my own damn brain works and im like whoa thats crazy! and some fuck whos been here exactly as long as i have is like "oh yeah i knew that already we all already knew that it was super obvious and youre just stupid" like ok whatever fine.
anyway, disregard previous posts abt ryan changing his name to ezra. ryan and ezra are whole ass different dudes? and both of them + jack + lisa are a semi-subsystem? according to jack? as far as i know that isnt like a real system term i think jack made it up to describe them but like. whatever. ok. jack does more than just hang out inside and front once every six months to fuck that random commie he likes and whine abt how im not taking college seriously (i have a 4.0) (im on the deans list) (how much more seriously do i need to take it) (nerd)
anyway im reverting the changes to ryans alter entry, personal page, and the last few tags on posts. then im gonna make ezras entry.
um ok so can i be crazy now? like is my detachment from reality a positive quality now :3 itd be waaaaay easier to live in a world of our making with aliens and ghosts n stuff than whats Actually happening ya know~
sometimes i just wanna be a little crazy again ): im too medicated now to feel crazy and i miss it? is that weird? i wish it wasnt snowing so i could go lay in my yard in the dark and stare at the sky and pretend i can see a ufo and then lie abt getting abducted by aliens on tumblr.
