space Australia

nothing but posts about humans in space being humans.

[triscribe]

So I have a Thing to offer...

…that I believe the @space-australians and @humans-are-seriously-weird folks may be interested in.

Picture this, if you will: human member of a mostly alien crew enjoys drawing, enough that they brought a sketchbook or three into space with them. They enjoy sharing what they create with others, whether its just a simple sketch of another crewmember or a detailed rendition of that last really cool nebula their ship passed by. Now, some aliens get the concept of drawing like this, some don’t, but just about everyone can appreciate the level of skill and effort that went into rendering a near-perfect likeness of something by hand.

So then we come to a point when the human is encouraged into pulling out an older, already-filled sketchbook to show off other things they’ve done before becoming a member of the crew. As they flip through the pages, allowing various aliens gathered around to admire each one, they come to a sketch of a human riding a horse.

Someone of course asks what kind of animal it is, prompting the artist to explain a bit about the species, after which they add: “I don’t really want to finish this one until I get a good reference picture, since I haven’t seen a horse in a long while and I don’t think I quite got the proportions right…”

Even so, their fellow crewmembers say it is a very well-done drawing, the artist mumbles out a pleased thank-you, and on they continue.

A few pages later, there’s another human-riding-an-Earth-creature drawing. Except, this animal is much larger than a horse, and much scarier looking to boot, with curling horns, a mouth full of jagged teeth, claws on each foot, spines and scales and a dangerous looking mace-like tail - not to mention the fact that it’s flying on massive wings.

“What in the stars is that?!” Someone has to ask.

“Oh, it’s just a dragon,” the human says off-handedly. “I always liked drawing the European style best, since they’ve got the coolest features in my opinion - not that the Asian Lung and American Amphiteres aren’t cool too, though, and I’ll do the occasional African Wyvern or Fae Dragon, but for a portrait of a good old-fashioned dragonrider, I want the kind that started the tradition. Anyway, I really think you botany guys will like this next one, it’s a sketch of the apple grove I used to visit as a kid…”

The human doesn’t notice the silence of their audience, and eventually the aliens recover from their shock and dismay.

After all, that dragon was much more finely detailed than the horse, which leaves many of them with the impression that their human crewmate must have a much greater familiarity with such monsters…

[niqhtlord01]

Humans are weird: Man of the Line, the Navy’s pride.

“What is that ship?”  Ambassador Marvin turned at Ambassador Lizil’s question and looked out the window. He had chosen the orbital cafe for their casual talks as it provided a perfect view of passing spaceships.  It took a moment to distinguish which ship the ambassador was referring to from the schools of vessels passing by but eventually he found the one. “Ah, that would be the “Le Souverain Indomptable” which translates to “The Indomitable Ruler”. I’ll give it to the French, they do know how to pick an imposing name.”  Lizil continued gazing at the vessel as it held orbit by the station while waiting for instructions. “You humans do seem to aggrandize anything. Naming a mere cargo ship something as imposing as that.”  Marvin looked up from his meal. “Ambassador, what makes you think that vessel is a cargo ship?“ Lizil pointed at the large bulges at the bow and stern of the vessel. “It’s it obvious? It has crane units installed all along the length of it.”  Marvin wasn’t sure if the ambassador was being serious at this point. “Those are not crane units ambassador, they are gun emplacements.” “Are you telling me that your space is so dangerous that you must equip cargo vessels with weapons?” Lizil chuckled as he took a bite of the fresh salad on his plate. “Ambassador, that is not a cargo vessel. It is a warship.”  Lizil seemed puzzled at the term as he munched prompting Marvin to explain further. “Technically speaking it is a Orbital Class Battleship, one of our latest designs that was born from a mix of many cultures on Earth that have had decades of naval warfare experience. Their combined knowledge crafted a a ship that implements millennia of naval warfare on our planet as well as what we have learned in recent years in space combat.”  “That’s all well and good,” Lizil spoke as he took another bite, “but wouldn’t those weapons be a major expenditure to remove when reconverting the ship in peace time for other duties?” “It has no other duties but war, ambassador.”  The ambassador looked like he was about to go into another speech when Marvin leaned forward and interwove his fingers. “That ship carries twelve 25 inch guns split evenly at the bow and stern. Her secondary guns include six 20 inch guns divided to port and starboard along with three compact missile launchers which are capable of firing a volley of 65 missiles per 60 seconds. She is also equipped with a magnetic mine placer, anti-missile flak cannons, several energy disbursement launchers that disrupt energy weapons, a single nuclear hull cracker warhead for anything bigger than herself she may stumble across, a-” Marvin stopped when he saw Lizil coughed up his half chewed salad as he had read off the armaments or the warship. “Why the devil would you need such a monster? Why would you need such numerous weaponry dedicated to a single ship?” Marvin chuckled. “All Orbital Class Battleships carry the same weapons ambassador. We currently have five in service including Le Souverain Indomptable and another three are in production and should set sail within the year.”  “Again I must ask why the need?” Lizil repeated the same question and it was beginning to strain Marvin’s patience until he remembered something about Lizil’s people. They had never known large scale naval combat, on their homeworld or in space, and when they did they temporarily converted their merchant fleet into and ad-hoc navy with light weapons which would then be removed once the conflict had ended. “What purpose does your navy serve ambassador?” Marvin queried. Lizil looked upset his question was answered with another question. “To protect our territory in times of crisis but mainly to focus on trade and commerce.” Marvin sliced deep into his steak, the blood spilling out and mixing with his potatoes while he took a bite. “The problem here is that our understandings of what a “Navy” is are entirely different. To you a navy is meant to be traders and merchants and soldiers only in times of war. We have trade fleets that serve that purpose but they are not considered our navy.” He pointed his fork at Le Souverain Indomptable as she began to pull away from the station. “Our navy only has one purpose, war. It doesn’t matter if it’s a defensive war or war of aggression, these ships are built to withstand the ravages of conflict and emerge victorious no matter what the enemy throws at us. That vessel there is a beast, a monster of metal and fire. Her destiny is not to plow the fields and plant the seeds of future generations, her destiny is to soak the fields in the blood of our aggressors and be the hammer and shield that protects those that can not protect themselves. To take such a mighty protector and make her a mere cargo vessel would be the gravest of insults.”  “You keep referring to the ship as a “Her” or “She”. Is it not an “it”?” Marvin finished his plate and wiped his chin before making to stand up. “A sailors life depends entirely on the steadfastness of their vessel. If they do not treat it with the same respect they would their fellow crew then they are already putting their lives at risk.” “And the need for so many weapons?”  “When we march to war, we like to carry the biggest stick.”  

[sixthousandbees]

Thought about “Humans are space orcs/space fae”. There was a line talking about how theres a human working on a ship but no-ones entirely sure if they’re meant to be there, but they didn’t want to like offend the terrifying space orc.

What if the “drifter” archetype continues into space? Like maybe we negotiated for free travel with one of our allies, but because humans come from a death world and are terrfiying, and because humans can be oblivious, we just assume we can board on any ship going anywhere, nbd?

like not as stowaways. we’re not hiding. Like those wolves and wild dogs in russia that use the railways. Are YOU going to tell a wolf they shouldn’t be riding the train?!? Thought not.

[ts-porter]

Captain Diii did not become aware of the… problem until her ship was a full half-cycle out from the resupply station. She was halfway through a standard sweep of the ship, to be sure it was all in good order, when she came across a sort of cocoon constructed of light, sturdy fabric strung up in the end of service corridor alpha. It was not blocking access to anything of even minor importance, it simply was not meant to be there. It had no use she could discern, but it had no place aboard Captain Diii’s ship.

“What is the purpose of this?” Captain Diii asked the young technician assigned to the sector.

Their mood-spots cycled to anxiety-orange as their feet shuffled in discomfort. “The human called it her ‘hammock’ and said it would be out of the way there?”

A human. On Captain Diii’s ship. Her spots flashed from fear to anger to consternation and settled on worry. This had never before happened to her. She’d only been captain for two annuals, and she operated so far from any of the major travel hubs she had hoped she would not have to deal with this.

The problem had started after the war. The terrifying human ‘marines’ had been key to repelling the Kkoin invaders, with their wild recklessness and near-indestructibility. They had put an end to the war very quickly, and the terms of alliance in exchange for this service had been seen as extremely generous. They asked for transportation, mainly, since human FTL drives still lagged behind galactic standard. It had been assumed that by this they meant transporting goods and perhaps colonists by arrangement, but the wording had been ambiguous in translation.

That did happen, but in addition humans would simply… step onto ships going where they wanted to go. And stay. Who would dare contradict a human? Any one of them could turn deadly at a moment’s notice. Their hardiness and ferocity was legend. As of yet, no way of repelling them had been 100% effective. Their comfort range was massive, so keeping a ship hot or cold did not help. Scents designed to be maximally unpleasant to the human sensory array dissuaded some, but others would simply laugh and joke about them as they boarded anyway. It seemed they could acclimate to even the most noxious of scents within a few cycles.

Some humans would uproot their entire families and head for another planet, seemingly on a whim. Other humans would then go visit these families, and go back home, or not. Some humans traveled from planet to planet and station to station to satisfy their near-endless curiosity. Some traveled because to travel and see new things gave them pleasure, and then returned to their homes seemingly refreshed.

Such a strange species.

Captain Diii had been certain she had assigned someone to guard the ship and tell any hopeful humans that there was no space for them if they tried to board. Captain Diii did not have any facilities for humans aboard her ship. She hurried to the nearest communication pod and signaled for her second in command, Taa, to join her.

Taa already had anxiety flashing on her mood spots when she arrived.

“Taa, were you not assigned to inform humans that there was no space?” Captain Diii asked.

“I did, Captain!” Taa protested. “But she answered that she did not need much and walked right past me! What could I do?”

“And where is she now?” Diii asked.

“The kitchens. She… she said she wanted to be added to the duty roster, and that she enjoyed food preparation?”

That was another thing about the humans. They almost all wanted to work on the ships they boarded. Often they threw duty schedules into disarray by simply volunteering themselves to do tasks. At least this one seemed to know to ask the officer in charge of duties.

Diii found the human in the kitchens, as expected. She was very tall and thin for her type, of the morph ‘all bones’, if Diii was remembering the mandatory human-culture lessons that had been recently been added to ships-captain certification classes. She seemed to lack the jiggling bits that were so disconcerting on some humans. She did not reek of artificial fragrances as some humans did, instead scented pleasantly of human natural musk. Her head-covering stands, ‘hair’, was a friendly violet. Diii was certain this was not a natural coloration for the species. Her loose cloth coverings were earthy browns and creams, reminiscent of a child’s camouflage.

The human turned to look at Captain Diii, and showed her white-bone teeth in the body language ‘smile’, a gesture of friendliness and pleasure. Now that she was turned, Diii could see that half of the human’s head was shaved, and an array of electronics were installed directly in her skull. It was testament to their extraordinary healing powers that augmenting themselves with inorganic parts was commonplace in human culture. The humans had the technology to make their implants invisible, but some chose to make them visible because it looked ‘bad posterior’, which was somehow a good thing and aesthetically pleasing to them?

The human’s implants lit up, showing the exact blue of happiness, as she straightened up to give the human ‘salute’–a greeting to a superior. “Captain Diii? It’s good to meet you. I’m Elizabeth, but you can call me Zizi.”

Captain Diii could not help but be somewhat charmed. She must have the latest language-translation chip, Zizi’s speech was near perfect, and that she had something that functioned nearly like mood-spots was comforting. Her chosen name, as well, was easy to pronounce and nonthreateningly low-status.

“A greeting, Zizi,” Captain Diii answered carefully. “May I inquire your purpose aboard my ship?”

“Oh, I’m just a drifter,” Zizi said. “I just love traveling, you know? I heard the moons of Sigma7 were gorgeous, so I’m working my way that-a-ways.” Zizi’s pseudo-mood spot lights switched to anticipation before cycling back to happiness. “I’ll be off your ship at the next supply depot, if I can find someone heading more that direction.”

Ah, the ‘drifter’ type. Captain Diii had heard of them. ‘ship-hoppers’. An entire sub-class of humans who wandered the galaxy simply because they did not want to do anything else. They were famously the most difficult to dissuade from boarding a ship, and most likely to board from strange ports and going strange directions. Clearly it was not Taa’s fault she had been unable to keep Zizi out, and Diii signaled brief apology toward her.

“I won’t be any trouble,” Zizi continued. “I can set my hammock up anywhere to sleep, if it’s in your way?”

“The location you have chosen is… acceptable,” Captain Diii allowed. Zizi’s hair’s constant show of friendly had her own spots heading toward that color in automatic prosocial response. It was somewhat disconcerting. “I will leave you to your work,” Captain Diii said, retreating, and Zizi smiled and threw another quick salute before turning back to the food on the stove. Her implants showed concentration and curiosity, and then Captain Diii was outside the room with her again.

She turned toward Taa, who was still concerned. “I have heard that ships with a human listed on their crew roster have a 30% lower chance of being targeted by pirates?” Taa volunteered.

“Yes, yes,” Captain Diii mused. The risk was very low to begin with, especially for a ship like hers that did not haul valuable cargo, but anything that lowered it further could not be all bad. “It is not your fault in any case, Taa. Nothing could have prevented this human from boarding.”

Taa relaxed some, and Captain Diii returned to her inspection of the ship. Then she went to the helm and transmitted her updated crew roster to the main control base, encrypted only very lightly.

It certainly would not be bad to be known to have a human aboard.

[ts-porter]

Anybody in the mood for another Zizi story?

.

Crew satisfaction with meals increased by ~12% when the human drifter Zizi was working in the kitchens. She had the same base ingredients to work with that were aboard any ship, but her inventiveness with seasonings leant an artificial sense of variety to the meals.

Who would have thought to add sourleaf to a puddingfruit custard, or sweet red spice to a savory stew? And yet the combinations were delicious. When questioned, Zizi claimed to cook ‘by feel’ rather than following recipes. Most curious. Captain Diii’s favorite invention of Zizi’s was a thing she called ‘chai’, a rich spicy infusion in sweetened hot water. She said it was for relaxation, and Diii was not the only one who found themself sipping on a warm cup in the lounge at the end of shift.

Zizi was often in the lounge when she was off duty. She integrated with the crew very easily, making friendly overtures and playing games. She was already a master at Snap and Shuffle, the most popular games among the younger crew, and she also had a ‘pack of cards’, worn rectangles of stiff paper with drawings on them, and taught a few of the crew the human games ‘go fish’ and ‘texas hold ‘em’.

Zizi was even willing to help in duties that were not her own, if requested. When a hard-to-reach relay fuse burnt out, the engineers enlisted the reach of her long arms to replace it without having to take the wall apart. When Lucu, the youngest of the cleaning staff, injured their graspers and was barred from duty for five cycles, Zizi was one of the volunteers to perform their duties, and did so will skill and efficiency. When the algal vats in the air purification and reoxygenation plant needed turning, Zizi joined in, uncomplaining despite the heavy work.

All in all, having a human aboard was not as bad as Captain Diii had feared. It was, in fact, entirely pleasant–though that had more to do with this individual human than humans in general.

“You have many skills, human Zizi,” Captain Diii praised. Both she and Zizi were off their duty shift, and enjoying a cup of ‘chai’ together. Her mood spots were showing a mild violet to match the human’s hair, both of them happy to be sharing friendly companionship.

Zizi rubbed at the back of her neck, ducking a bit and her pseudo-mood-spots showing faint embarrassment. “Well, I’m a jack-of-all-trades, and you know what they say about those. Master of none.”

Ah, yes, Captain Diii had heart of the jack-of-all-trades subtype of human, able to achieve proficiency in a great number of skills. No wonder Zizi was so versatile and creative! This only confirmed to Diii that what she had discussed with Taa was the correct course of action, and her mood spots headed toward both excitement and worry.

“In another three cycles we will reach the supply depot,” Captain Diii began. “You have proven yourself a valuable member of the crew, and all would be sad to see you leave. We as a ship extend to you an offer: will you contract as a paid crew member for a full annual?”

The human Zizi blinked her eyes at Captain Diii several times, which body language she did not know how to interpret. “You’re offering to hire me?”

“Yes. I can offer standard wages and a private space in the crew quarters.” Captain Diii said. Taa had recently pair-bonded with two of the engineers, moving them into her rooms, so there was an available berth. It was not much, but it was all Captain Diii could offer.

“Wow, that would be perfect!” Zizi stated, before Diii could become too worried about her response. She bared her teeth in a wide smile, mood implants lighting up with joy. “I love this ship, and I was about out of money too, haha! Thank you so much Captain, I accept!”

Captain Diii’s mood spots flickered to joy as well, answering Zizi’s happiness with her own. She was absolutely certain she had made the correct decision. Zizi was certainly good for the ship and crew.

And maybe, if they were lucky, having such a high-quality human aboard would keep lower-quality humans from taking up residence.

.

[ts-porter]

The time has come. The time for more Zizi and Diii.

.

Hiring Zizi as a crewmember was an absolute success. Their very own ‘jack-of-all-trades’, able to fill nearly any role with little teaching, and at the standard wages for a single crewmember! Diii was proud to be able to claim her ship’s human as a valuable asset when other captains attempted to commiserate about humans boarding their ships. There was no shortage of jealous captains, but Diii had hired Zizi first.

Should Zizi follow her drifter inclinations to leave Diii’s crew once her contracted annual was over, she would be able to hire on to any number of other ships. Still, Diii was glad to have her while she could.

Zizi was far more aggressive than Taa would dare to be, dissuading other humans from choosing to board the ship. It was convenient to be able to assign her the task, and know that she could keep her species-mates away. Zizi also had a talent for haggling with Yikar merchants, common in some of the supply depots Diii’s ship frequented. With Zizi along, essentials could be purchased at an average of 14% lower price–not a difference to be underestimated!

Not to say that there were not occasional problems. Such was inevitable. Once, Zizi got into a screaming argument with another human who wished to board the ship, which became a physical altercation, which the supply depot’s security bots broke up. How utterly mortifying to have to explain to the security monitors that Zizi had been following orders, and that Diii wished her returned so that they might make an on-schedule departure. Diii’s spots were tinged with anxiety-orange for three full cycles afterward!

Another time, through either malice or inattention, a Yikar merchant sold Zizi an assortment of spices that included deadly poisons! Of course, they would not harm Zizi–some of them came from the human’s own eggworld. It was only luck that one of the senior cooks had been in the kitchen when Zizi happily brought in the spices to experiment with them, and recognized them for the poisons they were. Otherwise, the entire crew might have been lost! Everyone loved Zizi’s cooking. Thankfully, the ‘garlics’ were caught and properly disposed of before they were even opened, and Zizi did not make the same mistake again.

Most distressing was the time when, rather than keeping other humans out, Zizi brought an entire group of them into the ship. The ship had stopped at one of the most major travel hubs they frequented, and Zizi was greeted by a group of humans of assorted morphs, whom she clung to tight with her long arms, and pressed her mouth to in the human ‘kisses’. Her mood implants burned with joy.

They were a very loud group, and Zizi briefly introduced them as ‘my people’ before bringing them into the ship and entirely taking over the crew lounge. Their harsh barks, the human ‘laughter’, echoed through the entire ship at irregular intervals. They had some terrible sound technology, rhythmic beats and discordant screeching, which those few who were able to get close enough to the lounge to observe them reported that they moved their bodies to.

The sound assault never stopped, but it did become quieter as the cycle ended. Diii braved herself to peer into the lounge, to see that they had wires connected to the electronic implants in their skulls, and were manipulating them to effects they seemed to find humorous or pleasurable. It was barbaric, horrifying, and Diii retreated again before they saw her.

Diii had of course heard of the common human practice of altering their mental chemistry, through means both safe and deadly, for the sake of entertainment. She had thought their human was different. Not, it seemed, when she was among her own kind!

There was massive consternation throughout the crew. Of course there was. Humans were known for their pack-bonding, and as much as Zizi had seemed to bond to the crew, she was still human. What if she had chosen to bring all of ‘her people’ into the ship permanently? There might be enough room for them all in Zizi’s crew quarters, should they all have cocoons like her ‘hammock’ for sleeping in.

Thankfully, the group left after a cycle and a half–just before the ship was due to leave port. Zizi moved slowly and wore dark coverings over her eyes for another half cycle after that, claiming to suffer from ‘an overhang of cyberjacking’. She recovered after a single sleep cycle, and all in the ship returned to normal.

Still, as stressful as these few incidents were, Zizi was overall a very useful crew member. She worked hard, and was cheerful, and her good cheer transferred to all the crew. They all loved their Zizi, especially the younger crew, even though she was human.

Her good cheer was so ubiquitous, it became immediately obvious when it left her. This was five and six supply depot stops after the stressful invasion of ‘Zizi’s people’, a little over halfway through Zizi’s annual contract. Zizi requested time away from the ship at the fourth stop, and returned with frustration tinting her pseudo mood spots. She began to show anxiety before the fifth, again requested time away from the ship, and returned with her pseudo-mood-spots glowing with orange anxiety and bleeding into fear. Her anxiety increased before the sixth, and Captain Diii of course granted her the time she needed away from the ship.

None of her careful research could tell her why a previously happy human might become stressed, when nothing in the ship had changed. Truly, there was not much known of them other than their battle prowess and propensity toward boarding ships going the direction they wished to go.

Zizi was furious when she returned. Her long angular limbs moved sharply, pseudo-mood-spots flashing warning, and all the crew scattered away from her in terror. Zizi kicked the wall three times as soon as she was within the ship, her heavy boots leaving dents. She slammed her fists against the wall and screamed, a high and horrible sound. Taa, heavy now with gestating zygotes and so having the strongest protective instincts, fell to the floor, limbs curled in tight as she went catatonic in self-preservation, and she was only the first. Many of the younger crew followed her example. Captain Diii felt the instinct herself, but she straightened her limbs and respirated carefully, drawing on her captain’s training to resist it.

Then Zizi crumpled to the floor, as though mortally wounded. She barked, shoulders heaving. It was only when Diii gathered the presence of mind to realize that her mood implants were showing utter misery that she realized what Zizi was doing was the human ‘crying’, and not ‘laughing’. It was a thing that humans did when very distressed.

Captain Diii approached cautiously. “Crew Zizi? What is the reason for this distress?” she quarried. She reached out, carefully, to pat Zizi’s warm shoulder with one grasper.

Zizi turned to face her, flopping over to sit on the floor rather than kneel. Her eyes were overflowing with water, and she made a loud wet noise with her nose before wiping them with her sleeve. Then she seemed to notice the catatonic crew, and dropped her head down between her knees. Her mood implants looked more miserable than Diii had ever seen, and it only sharpened her own distress.

“Reproduction and excrement, captain. I’m sorry,” Zizi apologized. “I didn’t mean to… I’m ‘distressed’ because I can’t get my girl pills out here. Nowhere’s got them, and my stock’s running out.”

Captain Diii patted Zizi’s shoulder again, more lingeringly this time. It did not feel wrong, to take such a liberty, and it did seem to ease the sharpness of Zizi’s misery. And when Zizi reached up, covering Diii’s grasper with her own to hold it close, that did not feel wrong either.

“You require a ‘pills’?” Diii asked. “May I ask a clarification?”

“Yeah, it’s… reproduction, how would you understand it?” Zizi made the loud wet sound with her nose again, a sharp inhale. “They help me keep the right morph? I’d grow into a different one otherwise.”

“To be honest, human Zizi, it is very difficult to tell your official morphs apart.” The way the humans classified themselves defied all logic.

“Yeah, I know.” Zizi looked up at Diii, her mouth turning up on the edges just a bit, though her eyes were reddened and wet. “That’s part of why I love traveling with you guys. You take me at my word, what morph I am. But… it matters to me that my body doesn’t grow wrong?”

“Then it is a matter of crew wellness,” Captain Diii decided, firmly. She gave Zizi’s shoulder a squeeze. “You must tell me exactly what these ‘pills’ are, and we will send an urgent message ahead to our next depot requisitioning them. It must be paid for from the health and safety budget, of course. You are an important member of the crew.”

Zizi’s mouth fell open, her teeth showing behind her lax lips. She blinked at Captain Diii, mood implants showing shock and then a burst of joy as her eyes began to overflow again.

“I really need to hug you,” she said, and wrapped her long arms around Diii’s middle. She rested her head against Diii’s central bulk, like a hatchling seeking safety, and it felt very natural to Diii to wrap several graspers around her to hold her close.

“You’re the best, Captain. Just the best,” Zizi said. Best based on what rubric, she did not clarify, but human speech was well known to be full of hyperbole.

“You are most satisfactory as a crew member,” Captain Diii assured Zizi. “Now, will you help to revive the catatonic crew? I believe some of your ‘chai’ would go well, after such excitement.”

“Yes, Captain.” Zizi released Diii from the ‘hug’ and levered herself to her feet, then bent down to press one of her human ‘kiss’ to the top of Diii’s head. She wiped her eyes one last time, gave a salute, and headed for the kitchen.

There. The crisis was ended, as quickly as it had begun. Diii had no doubt that Zizi would prove as adept at soothing and reviving catatonic crew as she was everything else she set her hand to.

Though difficulties like this were bound to arise any time different species shared a space, Zizi’s inclusion in the crew could only be calculated to an overall benefit.

Captain Diii was more than lucky to have hired her before some other crew snapped her up.

.

FIN

I hope you enjoyed. I don’t think I have any more Zizi and Diii stories to share.

Love my writing? My first novel has some very fun humans and aliens cohabitating (and loving each other), if that’s your jam. You can preorder it [here]!

[frayedcobweb]

This made me cry it was so awesome!

[sewickedthread]

Medical Officer Ch’ch’tk answered the frantic summons to the communal off-duty room. Call-me-Betty-Jo had come back from visiting home and according to Lrangaka, she was injured. Ch’ch’tk was not in a great hurry as Lrangaka tended to lose fur every time CallMeBettyJo did anything other than eat or sleep. And sometimes then. Xi shuddered at the memory of the C18H27NO3 incident. Xi thought Lrangaka was going to end up bald, not an attractive look.

Xi heard CallMeBettyJo’s adorable utterances, “I’m fine, I’ll be glad to show you as soon as it’s healed up some.” That did sound alarming. Xi hurried a bit more. Lrangaka was shedding fur again as CallMeBettyJo was fending off Xir’s truhands. Xi was wringing xir’s falsehands and reaching for what looked like a bandage on CallMeBettyJo.

“CallMeBettyJo, you are injured! Why was I not informed!”

“I’m not injured. I just got a [no translation]. It just needs a little more time to heal. But to ease y’all’s minds, I’ll show you.”

CallMeBettyJo peeled off part of her bandage; that couldn’t be safe. Her skin was colored underneath it.

“Y’all like it? It’s a [flying avian] on a [mammal plantfiber]. A little touch of home.”

Ch’ch’tk tried to understand. “You painted your epidermis?”

“I did for awhile, to see if I liked it enough to make it permanent. This last trip home, I took the plunge.”

Almost afraid to ask, but bearing up to xi’s responsibility to the health of the crew, “How is it made permanent?”

“Oh, the artist sticks a needle feeding ink into my dermis. Once the skin heals, it’s all good. I can’t wait.”

“Is this a rite of passage? Religious significance? Part of adulthood?”

“Naw, I was just a little homesick.”

With a sigh, Ch’ch’tk began xi’s efforts to soothe Lrangaka and prevent further fur loss.

[disappointingcake]

Humans are unstoppable...Until they aren’t.

I’m not the most eloquent writer, but I’ve had this idea kicking around for a while and figured I’d put it out into the universe.

A lot of the basis for the “humans are space orcs” stuff is the idea that we’re pretty durable compared to many species, yeah? When it comes to physical trauma, we can bounce back from most things that don’t kill us outright, especially given the benefit of hypothetical space-age technology, and adrenaline is one heck of a drug when it comes to functioning under stress. 

But that doesn’t make us unkillable, and even though we can survive debilitating injuries and not die from shock, it doesn’t mean it’s fun. Dying of shock sucks, but at least it’s probably quick.

So - Imagine a ship, adrift in space, slowly being drawn into a star or something. In order to save the ship, someone has to repair the hyper-quantum-relay-majig on the hull or in the engine or whatever. Bit of a problem though- there’s a ton of deadly, deadly radiation (Wrath of Khan style) or poisonous fumes or, I dunno, electrical current, between the crew and the repair. Like, enough to kill most species instantly, so the crew is just like, ‘welp, guess we’ll die then’. But then.

BUT THEN

They ask the human. Because everyone’s heard the stories - you’re basically unkillable, right? Could you survive long enough in there to fix it? And their human goes real quiet for a second, but still says ‘Yeah, I could fix it’. And the rest of the crew is like, ‘Whaaaaaa, it won’t kill you?’ and the human repeats “I can fix it” (which isn’t an answer, but no one catches that, not yet at least), so they send ‘em in. And the human fixes it, they come back, the ship flies to safety, and the crew is thrilled to survive. If the human is a little quiet, well, they’re entitled after pulling off a miracle. Everyone else is just excited to get to the nearest station’s bar to tell their very own human story, cuz, ‘those crazy humans, amiright?’.

The good mood keeps up until the human is late for their next shift. At first it’s just faint unease, but- but they earned a bit of a lie-in, right? No reason to begrudge them some extra rest, even if it is a little weird for them to oversleep. They’ll be fine. Humans are always fine. 

(Right?)

(…Wrong.)

- What is… help. Help!-

- ake up! You have t-

- been days. You need sleep, you-

- nother transfusion. We could-

- out of sedatives!-

A week later, the crew finally reaches the station. They stumble into the bar, haggard and haunted. And over the next months and years a new rumor about humans starts to make its way through space. A rumor unlike any before.

‘Be careful with your humans’ it whispers. ‘Their strength is not always a blessing. Be sure they don’t do something they can’t come back from, because when a human dies… they die slowly.’

[lesbianshepard]

there’s an educational trivia game at the citadel on the exhibits on different planets called “Dog or Not?” that shows pictures of various four legged mammals and asks if they’re a breed of dog.

it was mainly for kids to learn about the diversity of earth’s flora and fauna but it became popular with adult aliens too and had to be shut down after almost causing no less than three diplomatic incidents.

they brought it to the nexus and it’s caused two more so far

[lesbianshepard]

“That’s definitely a dog.” “Incorrect. This is actually an animal called a ‘raccoon’” “What? No! It’s got the ears and the tail!”

“Okay, okay, I got this. That’s not a dog. It’s way too big it’s uhhh I think humans call them bears.” “Incorrect. This is a dog breed called a ‘newfoundland’” 

[thementalconfetti]

And when it becomes such a cultural obsession that they run tournaments and the final rounds are displayed live on the worldswide hologram system …

Somewhat cocky contestant (who heckles the others for wrong answers) looks at the hologram on display: “I’ve read up on a lot of Earth animals, even visited the Earth zoo, so you can’t fool me.  It’s a picture on a farm so that’s the first clue.  It’s white, fluffy, got a sloping forehead and no distinct… muzzle.. if I do remember the term correctly.  It’s most definitely a sheep.”  

Trivia host (attempting to hide their joy at finally being able to tell the contestant they’re wrong):  “I’m sorry, that is a dog called a Bedlington Terrier.  It is actually bred to look like a sheep, but notice the lack of keratinized tissue coverings on the extremities that make contact with the ground.  You missed quite an obvious difference there.”  (after the contestant stutters a bit and protests about dogs made specifically to look like not-dogs) “Let’s take it to the judges then” (after consulting small podium-top hologram of judging panel, now grinning and dripping with sarcasm) “Awwww…unfortunately it is a dog and rules of the game do not allow us to award partial credit… toooooo baaaaaad” (super cheerfully) “aaand… next image please!” 

[jimperbam]

Shepard loves “Dog or Not?”. The human crew never misses a tournament airing. They get it on a vid screen in the mess hall and all crowd around. Some people bring blankets and pillows. Some make snacks to share. Eventually it becomes like a Superbowl party.

Dog or Not becomes a sort of inside joke on the Normandy, one that the non-human crew members still kind of get - they’re always invited to the viewing parties and sometimes sit in - but don’t really understand. Tali especially doesn’t understand when a snickering Shepard elbows her and, pointing to a varren being taken for a walk, asks, “Hey, Tali - dog or not?”

“That’s…that’s a varren, Shepard,” Tali responds, bemused. “You know what a varren is.”

Shepard is still giggling, and Kaidan, who heard the exchange, joins in.

-

Liara, Ashley, and Shepard go to recover the lost data drive at Admiral Hackett’s request. They eventually find themselves surrounded by the strange monkey-looking organisms.

With a straight face, Ashley comments, “Wow, sure are a lot of dogs on this planet.”

Shepard doubles over. Liara isn’t sure whether or not to laugh. She’s watched “Dog or Not?” before, so she knows these creatures aren’t dogs…right?

-

Garrus accidentally joins in on the fun after they discover a new species on a fog-covered planet. They’re bright red, they have carapaces, and they breathe fire. The team is examining one’s corpse when Garrus asks hesitantly, “So…is that a dog?”

Shepard’s head whips up and they stare at him for a full five seconds before breaking down. Garrus has to half-carry a wheezing, crying Shepard back to the shuttle. Jack’s eyelashes are wet from her own mirth.

-

They’re driving full speed over the scorching desert of Tuchanka. They’ve just called Kalros, the mother of all thresher maws, to deal with the Reaper destroyer in their way. All faces are pressed to the windows to see the fight.

Kalros bursts from the sands with an unearthly screech and tackles the Reaper. The two grapple in the sands, both representing the might of organic and synthetic, respectively.

“Garrus,” Shepard says in a low, awed voice.

Garrus has been around Shepard for too long not to know when they’re about to make a joke. “Shepard, I swear on all the spirits of Palaven - “

“That’s the biggest dog I’ve ever seen.”

Garrus quietly regrets all his choices that led him to this moment, then sighs. “Which one?” he returns.

[thehonorablereverendfish]

I have never played a Mass Effect game, yet this was very amusing.

[deffinitelynobody]

I love the idea of shepherd teasing tali about it as a couple thing

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Earth is Space Australia “Storm of Ice.”

“Are you going to bother telling me where we are going?” Krill wondered examining the camera feed from the hull of the ship and out into the vast darkness of space.

Compared to what he was used to, this part of space was relatively empty, no nebulae, no ice fields, and only the distant arm of a spiral galaxy to add light to their movement.

The captain waved a dismissive hand, “Oh, nowhere important.” Krill panned the camera around to face forward watching as the bright yellow of a terribly average star winked at them from the darkness. As fast as they were going, the star ahead slowly began to expand.

“Initiating breaking sequence, Captain.” One of the crewmen announced.

Krill panned the camera a little further to their right and watched in mild awe as the gas giant grew large in his vision dwarfing its moons a thousand times over. Bands of wind spun upon its surface varying from different shades of red and cream. They entered the pull of the gas giant at just the proper angle to cut across its field and around slowing all the while form the resistance of its gravity before continuing off into space and towards that average main sequence star expanding in the camera’s lens. Expanding much slower now that they had decreased their speed.

A couple of ships detached from the hull as they passed the next planet over.

Krill panned the camera over again in time to see the dark side of a planet winking at him with a thousand distant lights.

“Where are we, Captain?”

“Oh, that, just a midsized human colony.”

The ship was forced to turn following in a circular arc around the sun as they raced towards the next planet, a distant speck in the vastness of space barely visible against the light of the sun.

The captain took place at the helm and manually began slowing the ship even further. He wouldn’t have risked doing the same thing as fast as they had been going earlier, but now he was able to bring the ship to a slow drift as they approached the planet. Despite the captain’s wishes, Krill moved over to the navigation console and seated himself bringing up the current statistics on the system.

“Main sequence star eight planets.”

Keep reading

[starr-fall-knight-rise]

Humans are Space Orcs “Hold Your Heart”

Gore warning everyone. Get ready for some blood :)

It is no secret that the human world is a violent one. The things they have done to survive range from disgusting to….. chilling. I have mentioned before, that, despite the human’s natural curiosity towards death, they never accept it so lightly. Stories have been told to me, harrowing stories, of dismemberment, cannibalism, and murder all in the name of survival.

Not just that, humans won’t just let themselves die, but they refuse to let others die as well. Everywhere else in the galaxy, we understand that death is a natural process. We don’t fight it, sometimes things happen. Sometimes the body gets sick, and it’s better to allow death than to continue living. Sometimes accidents happen and the trauma isn’t worth fixing, or at least no one thought it was because to survive something like that is impossible.

Not for humans.

Don’t get me wrong, we don’t completely ignore injuries. Having been a trauma surgeon for most of my life, I can attest to this. I can perform almost any procedure on any species given the correct equipment, but having met human doctors, I’m not sure what to call myself anymore. The things they do and CAN do are chilling and terrible, all in the name of survival.

There are some things you just shouldn’t do, but of course, humans don’t understand that.

***

“F***K F****NG HELL! What kind of ASSHOLE shoots someone in the STUMP?”

Keep reading

[thededfa]

I had not realized how small our worlds must feel to the humans until I walked on one of theirs and realized how small I felt. Their ceilings arched high above even their heads, their buildings rose past the horizon, and their seats could fit me comfortably underneath. When I first arrived, I made the mistake of assuming a chair was a resting hide and settled underneath the sturdy metal to rest before resuming my search for the research lab. The hallways and streets seemed endless, full of looming humans and their unfairly long legs. My tentacles were not meant for this much land travel and they ached. I let my skin fade to the dusty gray of the soft fiber mat as I stretched out my remaining main tentacle. It had to work harder to move me because of the loss of my left main tentacle, and it was beginning to twinge.

A large face suddenly leaned down in front of me. I went blue in fear.

“Hey there, you alright?”

“Yes, I was just resting.”

“Okay, you looked like you were hiding and I wondered if you needed help.”

I hesitated, unsure about showing weakness to another being. But humans were strangely helpful creatures; it should be alright. “I am a bit lost.”

“Yeah? Where you headed?” The human crouched down onto the floor so that they could see me better. I wondered how they had spotted me with my skin matching the floor pattern.

I pulled out the scrap of paper with the address written on it and showed it to the human. “Here. I was told to go there, but I can’t find it.”

The human tapped on their tablet for a moment before baring their teeth. “Oh! I know the place! It’s just four blocks away. I can take you there.”

I contracted nervously. I did not like the reminder that humans were omnivores so close to myself. “Um. If you wouldn’t mind.”

“Not at all!” They slung a pack off of their back and held it out to me. “Hang onto this.”

I hesitantly wrapped my tentacles around the pack and flashed in panic when they swung it up into the air and onto their back.

“You all right up there?”

I gurgled affirmatively as the human started walking, their long limbs eating up the ground far quicker than I would have ever managed. This was… unexpected but very welcome. The fact that their first instinct was to attempt to carry another being was interesting. Sure, I was much smaller than them, but they had no way of knowing how dense I would be. I could weigh 60 pounds for all they knew, but they hadn’t hesitated to try.

“So why are you headed to the research center, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“I was told they would research how to give me a new tentacle if I volunteered.” I clung tighter to the pack as they turned abruptly down the walk.

“Me too! They gave me a new leg!” The human knocked their knuckles against their thigh with a hollow thudding sound.

I flashed in fascination. They were carrying me with no apparent difficulty and without any noticeable change in their walking pattern. “Did it hurt?”

“It took a bit of getting used to, but it doesn’t hurt near as bad as the old ones did. The Center knows their stuff.”

“That is very reassuring. Thank you.” I could probably deal with a little pain if it meant regaining some mobility.

“No problem. Here we are!” he walked through a set of massive automatic glass doors and twisted his neck so he could try to look at me. It must be tiring to have to move ones whole head instead of just eyestalks. “You need any water?”

“Um. Yes, please.” My skin was feeling a bit dry.

“He went to a large, glowing machine and punched a few buttons. The machine groaned and there was a terrible thumping noise before a bottle of water fell into a slot on the bottom. He picked up the bottle and held it over his shoulder so I could reach it. “Here you go.”

“Thank you.” I tucked the bottle against my body with a minor tentacle to absorb later. I didn’t want to risk spilling water on the helpful human.

The humans walked over to a large desk and attracted another human’s attention with an open hand gesture. “Hi! Yeah, my friend here wants to volunteer. Can you set him up an appointment?”

The secretary looked around for a moment before noticing my eyestalks hovering over the human’s shoulder. They bared their teeth. “Hi, My name is Felicia. I can make an appointment for you no problem. For now, would you be willing to accompany me to a waiting room and fill out some paperwork?”

The human carrying waited for my ‘yes’ before slinging the pack off of their back and gently lowering me to the ground. “you good?”

“Yes. Thank you very much for your assistance.”

“No problem, my dude. Hope they can set you up!” The human waved their open hand at me and headed out the front door.

Felicia walked around the desk with a clipboard in hand. “Are there any accommodations we can provide for mobility, comfort, or safety?”

I flashed in confusion. What an odd question. But yet… “Is it far to the waiting room?”

Their eyes glanced between a point far away and then down at me. “Relatively. Would you like a wheelchair?” They spun their clipboard to face me and it’s surface presented a picture of a seat with wheels, and then an illustration of a being using the device to move from one point to another.

“Yes, please.”

They nodded crisply and went back behind their desk, reemerging with a wheelchair rolling in front of them. I managed to slip up onto the seat and settled in. As soon as I was secure, Felicia began pushing the wheel chair along a hallway. We passed maybe eight doors before they stopped and wheeled me into a room with a much lower ceiling than the entrance area. They parked the chair by a table and set the clipboard down in front of me along with a calling device.

“The first few pages are information packets. This room is not monitored and we will not prevent you from leaving at any time. If you wish to contact someone, you may do so. If you wish to speak to a non human representative, we will do our best to accommodate you. After you finish the information packets and make your decision, please fill out the questionnaires.” They bared their teeth and folded their hands behind their back in what I assumed was a nonthreatening gesture. Very contradictory, these humans.

“If you need any assistance, simply press this button and a volunteer will come to assist you. Is there anything you need at this moment?”

“No, thank you.”

They nodded and left the room, closing the door softly behind them. I flattened a portion of my body into a dish shape and poured some of the water into the dip so it could absorb through my skin while I looked through the paper work. Which, apparently ‘paperwork’ didn’t actually mean ‘work on paper’ as I had assumed. The clipboard was actually an industrial grade tablet. The first page on the tablet was a list of questions that asked if I had been coerced, manipulated, or otherwise forced into volunteering by any being, as well as a list of numbers I could call for protection if I felt I had. Humans seemed to realize how terrifying they were, but were strange in that they appeared to not want to scare anybody.

After signing that I was here of my own free will, that I understood my legal rights, and that I agreed to allow them to test experimental prosthetics on me (permission that I could withdraw at anytime, they mentioned this several times), there was yet another list of numbers I could call at any time for help. Finally, they asked if I was comfortable working in close proximity with humans.

I thought hard before I answered that. Yes, they were big, strong, and showed their teeth far too much, but every human I had come across had been shockingly helpful, going out of their path and giving away their own possessions and time to help. I had even seen on the news that a human had legally adopted Murian children as their own to help care for them. Yes, I think I would be comfortable working with humans. Especially if they all had the trait of carrying smaller beings on their backs. I liked seeing things from their perspective.  

Full story on ArchiveofourOwn

[malicemismanager]

Ahh I love these stories!

[cheeseanonioncrisps]

A lot of ‘humans are weird’ posts play with the idea that humans are one of the few species that actually evolved as a predator and, as such, we are unusually strong and fast— but what if we’re not.

What if we’re tiny?

What if, to the majority of species in the galaxy, ten feet tall is unusually short— it basically only happens due to rare genetic conditions— and the average human is basically cat sized or smaller?

Instead of being terrified by our strength, the aliens’ most pressing concern is how exactly they’re going to communicate with us when we’re all the way down on the ground.

There are experiments, with aliens crouching low or humans standing on high platforms— but it usually ends up being either uncomfortable for the alien or dangerous for the human, or both, and just generally impractical for everyone.

But, while the diplomats and politicians are trying to figure out a dignified and simple solution, the ordinary people who actually have to work with the aliens have found one. Humans are, generally, pretty good climbers, and most species have conveniently places scales, feathers, fur or clothing that can act as a hand or foothold. Sure, some humans have a fear of heights, but those aren’t typically the ones going into space. Besides, climbing on a living alien often feels safer than climbing up a rock or something— at least you know you’ve got somebody to catch you.

Soon it becomes accepted that that’s the way humans travel with aliens— up high, easy to see and hard to tread on (there were quite a few… near misses, in the first few meetings between humans and aliens), balanced on somebody’s shoulder like the overgrown monkeys that we are.

Many humans see this as kind of an insult and absolutely refuse to go along with it, but they aren’t the ones who end up spending a lot of time with aliens— it’s just too inconvenient to talk to somebody all the way down on the ground. The ones that do best are the ones who just treat it like it’s normal, allowing themselves to be carried (at least, it’s ‘carrying’ when the aliens are within earshot. Among themselves, most humans jokingly refer to it as 'riding’), and passing on tips to their friends about the best ways to ride on different species without damaging feathers, or stepping on sensitive spots (or, in at least one case, ending up with a foot full of poisonous spines…).

The reason they don’t feel patronised by this is that they know, and they know that nearly everyone else in the galaxy knows, that humans are not just pets.

After all, you’d be surprised when a small size comes in handy.

Need somebody to look at the wiring in a small and fairly inaccessible area of the ship? Ask a human.

Need somebody to fix this fairly small and very detailed piece of machinery? Ask a human, they’re so small that their eyes naturally pick up smaller details.

Trapped under rubble and need somebody to crawl through a small gap and get help? Ask a human— most can wriggle through any gap that they can fit their head and shoulders through.

If you’re a friend, humans can be very useful. If, on the other hand, you’re an enemy…

Rumours spread all around the galaxy, of ships that threatened humans or human allies and started experiencing technical problems. Lights going off, wires being cut— in some cases, the cases where the threats were more than just words and humans or friends of humans were killed, life support lines have been severed, or airlocks have mysteriously malfunctioned and whole crews have been sucked out into space.

If the subject comes up, most humans will blame it on “gremlins” and exchange grim smiles when they’re other species friends aren’t looking.

By this point, most ships have a crew of humans, whether they like it or not. Lots of humans, young ones generally, the ones who want to see a bit of the universe but don’t have the money or connections to make it happen any other way, like to stowaway on ships. They’ll hang around the space ports, wait for a ship’s door to open and dart on in. The average human can have quite a nice time scurrying around in the walls of an alien ship, so long as they’re careful not to dislodge anything important.

Normally nobody notices them, and the ones that do tend not  to say anything— it’s generally recognised that having humans on your ship is good luck.

If there are humans on your ship, they say, then anything you lose will be found within a matter of days, sometimes even in your quarters; any minor task you leave out— some dishes that need to be cleaned, a report that needs to be spellchecked, some calculations that need to be done— will be quickly and quietly completed during the night; any small children on the ship, who are still young enough to start to cry in the night, will be soothed almost before their parents even wake, sometimes even by words in their own tongue, spoken clumsily through human vocal chords. If any of the human are engineers (and a lot of them are, and still more of them aren’t, but have picked up quite a few tricks on their travels from humans who are) then minor malfunctions will be fixed before you even notice them, and your ship is significantly less likely to experience any major problems.

The humans are eager to earn their keep, especially when the more grateful aliens start leaving out dishes of human-safe foods for them.

This, again, is considered good luck— especially since the aliens who aren’t kind to the humans often end up losing things, or waking up to find that their fur has been cut, or the report they spent hours on yesterday has mysteriously been deleted.

To human crew members, who work on alien ships out in the open, and have their names on the crew manifest and everything, these small groups of humans are colloquially referred to as 'ship’s rats’. There’s a sort of uneasy relationship between the two groups. On the one hand, the crew members regard the ship’s rats as spongers and potential nuisances— on the other hand, most human crew members started out as ship’s rats themselves, and now benefit from the respect (and more than a little awe) that the ship’s rats have made most aliens feel for humans. The general arrangement is that ship’s rats try to avoid ships with human crew members and, when they can’t, then they make sure to stay out of the crew members’ way, and the crew members who do see one make sure not to mention them to any alien crew members.

The aliens who know, on the other hand, have gotten into the habit of not calling them by name— mainly because they’re shaky as the legality of this arrangement, and don’t want to admit that anything’s going on. Instead they talk about “the little people” or “the ones in the walls” or, more vaguely, “Them”.

Their human friends— balancing on their shoulders, occasionally scurrying down and arm so as to get to a table, or jumping from one person’s shoulder to another, in order to better follow the conversation— laugh quietly to themselves when they hear this.

Back before the first first contact, lot of people on Earth thought that humans would become space orcs. Little did they know, they’d actually end up as space fae.

[tetrabytesol]

Space orcs Easy To Forget

They forget sometimes that humans are predators it’s easy to do so when they mimic you or startle suddenly. When it’s just one human it’s easy to forget to brush the nagging feeling of THIS IS A PREDATOR to the back of your mind. But sometimes they do something and it comes flying back and it’s so obvious you wonder how you could ever forget. It’s terrifying how easily they blend in how quickly they can get you to drop your guard. Humans are truly terrifying, especially when they try not to be.

[samuraiknitter]

Captain Tonu was quite happy with the three humans he had in his crew; scientists all, they were so curious they could be counted on to investigate anything the rest of his more sane crewmembers were unwilling to go near, and were often found laughing (a most… worrisome sound) over impossible danger. When they all finished their tour, he was delighted that they all signed on for his next planned expedition. So delighted, he allowed them to bring a ‘pet’ on board. 

He had been told of ‘pets’. Humans’ bonding urges were so strong, they would bond with others they barely knew, or animals. Rumor had it they also bonded to plants and rocks, but that couldn’t be true. 

They adopted a small predator native to their home planetc with claws on all four feet, and fangs. They carried it about as if it was a hatchling, cooing to it and patting its fur. It was a species known as ‘cat’ and they named it Snorlax. He was told the snorlax was a great mythical beast in their culture, but from their laughter he had his doubts.

It hunted for fun. 

Never causing harm, it would leap out at crew-members with no warning, lashing its tail, before retreating to a new hiding space. The crew was quietly terrified of it; the humans would smile and laugh and pay it compliments when attacked. When bored, the humans would get the cat to attack things as entertainment. 

It was perhaps halfway through their second voyage, and most of the crew had become comfortable, or at least resigned to the pet predator, when the pirates attacked. They’d entered orbit around a promising M-class world, prepared to map it, when they were taken surprise by the human pirates who’d already claimed it as their own. 

Tonu was trussed up and thrown in the hold with the majority of his crew and a few human pirate guards. His human crew were, of course, not there. Of course they weren’t. Who would expect any beings to fight their own? Especially to defend of a non-human crew? No species would do such a thing. 

The door to the hold opened, and… no one entered. Everyone, humans included, looked around cautiously. Then came a shout that Tonu would never forget, not in his next century. 

“LEEROY JENKINS!” 

Every human captor immediately opened fire on the door, throwing handheld explosives as well. As they did, his three human scientists leaned out of openings in the ceiling and neatly shot all their captors, killing them instantly. 

“Are you all right?” They asked, genuinely concerned for their non-human crew as they cut them loose. “Sorry it took us so long, the rest of the ship had to be secured first.” 

“They… they were human.” Tonu said in shock. They had just killed members of their own species. 

“Human assholes, maybe.” One replied, continuing to cut bindings. “They didn’t have to take the ship, they could have just said the planet was inhabited, for fuck’s sake.”

“You saved us.” Captain Tonu said inelegantly. He was as shocked as he had ever been. 

“Well yeah, you’re our crew, aren’t you?” 

He gently patted each on the head, as he had seen them do to their pet. “Thank you.” 

They all grinned at each other, and did their strange ‘high five’ salute. 

They were terrifying. He began to see why they adopted predators. 

[samuraiknitter]

More Humans are Weird

Because this hash tag is SO FUN and thought-provoking. 

GENDER:  No one can keep up with humans and gender. There are no easy signs to tell who is what, not clothing, not body morphology, not how they paint themselves or their grooming or vestigal hair. The humans themselves argue about how many genders there are. Eventually they quit trying and refer to all humans as ‘they’. Most humans are fine with that, even compliment them on their support (?) and progressive views (??). A few humans are offended, but are shouted down by their other humans. The other beings of the galaxy officially give up. 

SEX:  Some humans want to have sex all the time. Others barely can stand to be touched at all, even casually. Some will have sex with their own gender, which does not produce offspring and is confusing to many. Some will have sex only with certain people, some will have sex with anyone. SOME will have sex with other species, occasionally challenging their own safety and everyone else’s. None of this is considered strange. Anyone saying it is strange is again shouted down and shamed into silence. The other beings of the galaxy officially give up. 

CATS:  Humans adopt small predators as pets and kiss their “widdle faces” and giggle over their clawed toes (???) and fuss and are thrilled when the predators sleep with them (isn’t that UNSAFE? IT IS FULL OF POINTY BITS) and often sport scratches and bite marks inflicted when the animal was ‘playing’.  “When were these ‘cats’ domesticated?” “Oh, we never really domesticated them. We just let them move into the house with us. Aren’t they CUUUUUTE? Come here, baby.” -kissy noises- The other beings of the galaxy again give up. 

RELIGION:  Wars fought. Millions - probably billions, through history - killed. Crew members huffy with each other. Various holidays celebrated, none of which make sense, some of them celebrating events that are physically impossible and could not have happened. All for something that can’t be proved.  The other beings of the galaxy would think this was all an elaborate prank if it wasn’t for the body count. 

GERMS:  Humans get INFECTED and act as if it is a personal affront, and cuss about it. They confine themselves to quarters so they don’t infect the rest of the crew - very kind, in that respect - and otherwise wrap themselves in bedding and bitch about it for three days while doing their work by remote - “It’s fine, just a cold.” followed by horrifying noises they call ‘coughing’ and ‘sneezing’ -  and HOW. HOW DO THEY EVEN.  The other beings of the galaxy, for whom infection is always life-threatening, boggle from a safe distance. With respirators on. 

ALPHA PREDATOR…?  They come from a death planet, these naked apes with no armor, no fangs, no speed. They have the ability to conquer the galaxy, if they only agreed with each other long enough that it was their goal. Instead they poke their noses into other death worlds, ‘exploring’, they call it, adopting horrifying creatures and making friends with other predatory beings, brewing poisonous beverages from whatever they can scrounge, which they then drink for fun. The rest of the galaxy is relieved. If humans had an attention span, they would truly be in trouble. 

No one wants to know what a ‘shark’ is. Humans seem to be afraid of them, and if it frightens the humans, the rest of the galaxy is, to a being, terrified. 

[aelincreativ]

Human Warrior

11-7-18- System 43- Orbit of Planet Kanrea- Crewing Station-

Bethany had a nagging feeling in her stomach. Full of worry and confusion. Before her stood Commander Xcha’lanu. A feared battle Commander of the Kirothian Fleet. A renowned and heavily fear warrior who had led his fleet to many victories. And she was a regular human soldier, preparing and anticipating her journey into space. She had warped out here to meet the vessel she would crew on. She now stood face to face with the Captain and Commander of the ship and fleet he was to serve on. The Commander was a great figure. Over 9 foot tall, bipedal, with hard red skin and a square head to match his appearance. A truly fearsome figure. So why did he look like he wanted to run away from her presence?

“Commander Xcha’lanu, is everything alright sir?”

His eyes shifted away slightly as he answered, “Not at this moment Special Forces Human Warrior Bethany.”

His use of her full descriptive title made her pause and added to the weight in her stomach. He classified her as a Human warrior. Human was being the added descriptor. He must have found something that warranted being addressed as such on their first meeting before she had even boarded the ship.

“Commander Xcha’lanu, what have you seen in my file records?”

The Commander was not even trying to pretend he was avoiding her gaze.

“Brazil Two, Planet Mars, Situation- Android Revolt.”

Bethany cursed. She thought that had been erased from her record. It was obvious what was bothering the Commander now.

“Sir, I promise that I am no threat to the crew of this ship.”

The commander almost seemed insulted at her statement.

“No threat? Not a threat! You destroyed an entire legion of your manufactured soldiers with nothing but a long sword and a rifle! You made scrap metal of three-thousand androids! Androids that had been your people’s first line of offense for colonization and confrontation! How can you not be a threat to this crew and fleet?!”

That feeling in her stomach now was tinged with the bitter taste of annoyance and anger.

“Commander Xcha’lanu. I am classified as a Special Forces Warrior for a reason. I have trained for specific situations. My specialty is in solo onslaught army destruction. Specifically for combat against the androids. Humanity feared and was wary of its own creations, to the extent that before a single android was launched into service, there was an entire battalion of forces at the ready and prepared to combat anything like the Android Revolt of Brazil 2 on Mars. After the thirty years of peaceful androids the force was scaled back to just a few dozen of highly trained fighters like myself. When the revolt took place I answered the call and was transported to Brazil 2 within 24 hours. I was sent along with 9 others. We were dispatched in the primary 8 direction from the landing point with the final two manning the weapons of the station. I was dispatched to the west. With my fellow Warriors on either side of me we progressed. The battle waged for two weeks with little chance for rest. I served Humanity at great risk to my own life. My loyalty to those I swear to protect will hold no bounds as long as I am not betrayed. I swear to you now Commander Xcha’lanu, I am here as a delegation of peace between our two peoples. I will not be a threat to this crew unless I or the Human race are threatened first.”

The gaze Bethany leveled with the feared Kirothian Battle Commander would make any man run scared. But Commander Xcha’lanu was no human man. Yes, he feared the human before him, but his fear was now laced with the respect of a fellow warrior, not of a mindless beast he had feared her to be upon viewing the videos in her file.

His gaze met hers and he felt the atmosphere shift.

“I swear to you now, Special Forces Warrior Bethany Nizdala, Slayer of the Androids and now Delegation of Peace, you shall come to no harm on this ship. Prepare to board and serve.”

A grin lit up her face as she saluted the Commander. He had dropped the Human out of her title. She now stood on an even playing field with him. “Aye-aye, sir.”

Bethany had a nagging feeling in her stomach, but this time she was pretty sure it was just anticipation. The stars were calling her after all.

[prokopetz]

It strikes me that, regardless of what most spacefaring sci fi claims humanity’s Special Thing is, in practice humanity’s Special Thing is being the only adults in the room. Like, consider some of the standard plots that keep cropping up in sci fi serials:

Aliens are doing something willdly self-destructive owing to some easily refuted superstition until the Human comes along and sets them straight with high school physics

Two groups of aliens are embroiled in a millennia-long life or death conflict until the Human comes along and resolves centuries of bloody contention in like an hour

A godlike AI or omnipotent energy being or something is getting up to shenanigans until the Human comes along and beats it in an argument, typically by pointing out something kinda obvious

Aliens are freaking out because somebody violated some microscopic taboo they couldn’t possibly have known about, until a Human comes along and demonstrates a blatant-yet-inexplicably-unnoticed loophole

… and so forth. Doesn’t matter who the aliens in question are, either – even aliens whose own Special Thing is being the clever, rational ones will turn into dogmatic morons at the drop of a hat in order to furnish an opportunity for the Human to save them from themselves.

I’d be tempted to say it’s a reflection of how certain stripes of sci-fi trumpet disinterested rationality as a manly virtue, but there are popular variations of every single one of these plots where the Human saves the day through superior empathy rather than superior reasoning, and they literally play out exactly the same. As near as I can tell, it really does boil down to the notion that Humans are the only functioning adults in the universe.

[prokopetz]

A tip for smutfic writers: the word “sizeable” will never be sexy in any context whatsoever.

[sinriel]

“Idris Elba brought me roses and a sizeable homemade tiramisu.”

[nightfalltwen]

That is the sexiest sentence I have ever read.

[weaselle]

the only thing humans love more than creating arbitrary rules is creatively breaking arbitrary rules. In this essay I will

[impalalord]

[START RECORDING]

“Human? What’s a Human?”

“Not what, who. He’s the most feared bounty hunter in the system.”

“What makes him so special? Cybernetics? Psyonics? Whatever it is, we’ve beaten it before.”

“That’s just it, there is no trick. Nothing. Plain Vanilla biology and no weapons beyond chemically propelled kinetics and edged tools.”

“You’re kidding, right? Then why is he such a big deal?”

“He’s a big deal because he does the job without anything like that. He can track you down and kill you without any net-dives or mind scans, and there’s nothing we’ve got that can shut him down. He’s not cybernetic so we can’t EM him, and he’s got no psychic presence so we can’t psybomb him. There’s almost no way to track him down or get away once he’s found you.”

“Can’t we just kill him?”

“Good luck. First you’ve got to find him, and they say he can disguise himself as anything.”

“Like what, posing as that vending machine?”

“No, I’m posing as the drinking fountain.”

[END RECORDING]

[whatevercomestomymind]

Yep, it do be like that sometimes

[interstellarjukebox]

Humans are Weird: assigning pronouns to random objects/creatures

My sister was carrying a box around, and instead of saying “be careful”, I shouted “don’t drop him! He’s a fragile little man.” All my friends do the same thing to me, taking about moths and plants like sentient creatures: “oh Robert? Yeah, I had to trim his leaves yesterday”. So how would aliens react to this extension of pack bonding?

……

Kara, Arjun, and Do'Kuron were taking turns at the ship’s helm, with Arjun currently at the controls. The debris field meant they had to pilot manually, and since none of the other crew members volunteered to help out, they were the ones chosen to be stuck there for at least the next eight hours.

Kara and Arjun were relatively new, and the first humans Do'Kuron had met. During their first meeting, he was concerned about how they would react to his appearance. Most species were put off by his height, bristly black fur, and clubbed tail.

But not the humans. As soon as they saw him, they introduced themselves, and started asking questions about him, his homeworld, and even his bonded, Do'Fena and Do'Taro. He had never met a race so inquisitive, and so unafraid.

“Oh! Watch out for him!” Kara said to Arjun, snapping Do'Kuron back to the present situation.

“Kara, who do you want Arjun to watch out for? We three are the only sentient creatures within my scope of vision.” Can humans detect life forms unknown to others? Do'Kuron wondered. Kara laughed and bared her teeth, a sign of happiness that Do'Kuron was glad to see at least one other species shared.

“No, I was just referring to the asteroid on our left.”

“Does it have some form of gender marker that I was unaware of?”

“Ha! No, it’s just… I dunno, we just have this thing we do called personification, where you assign sentient traits to non-sentient things. Or that’s how my English teacher explained it anyway, ya know?”

“I believe I understand. Thank you, Kara.”

“No problem!” She replied. Do'Kuron smiled to himself, excited, in a strange way, to make his own first entry to the human manual.