pov. jesse loves you, he wished you knew that. so after you blew up at him earlier, he tries to make his wrongs up to you while he’s still going through his high.
notes. while i’m listening to lil peep this came to my head… i think jesse would love lil peep. anyway i absolutely loved making this. this is my favorite fanfic i’ve made so far
content warnings. ⸝⸝ arguing, drug usage, makeup sex, symptoms of drug usage, heavy angst, addict jesse, no proof read, intimacy, passionate sex, penetration
jesse stands outside the door, his world spinning and feeling as if it was repeating and had reverb because he was high. “baby, i just wanna talk.” he says, pressing his forehead against the door while he listened for you.
his forehead stays pressed against the cool wood, every heartbeat feels like it’s echoing back at him. “baby please.” he pleads. “i know i fucked up, okay? i know.. i was gonna go, i swear i was—"
the door swung open. jesse almost stumbles forward, forehead still pressed where the door had been. his eyes are blown wide, glassy, the world clearly spinning for him. he looks wrecked; hair messy, clothes rumpled, that familiar reverb in the way he moves like everything’s echoing around him.
“baby—” he starts, voice soft and cracked. “don’t ‘baby’ me right now,” you cut him off, voice thick with anger and unshed tears. you step back but keep the door open, arms crossed tight over your chest like armor.
“you were supposed to be in rehab, jesse. you promised me. you looked me in the eyes and said you’d go, and instead you’re standing here high as fuck trying to sweet talk your way back in?” you yell, staring at him.
he winces, rubbing a hand over his face like it hurts to hear it. “i know… i know i fucked up, okay? i was gonna go, i swear, but shit got heavy and i just—i couldn’t. i needed to see you first. i needed to make it right.” he rambles, stumbling on his words as he goes on.
“make it right?” you echo. you laugh, bitter and broken, fresh tears slipping down your cheeks. “this isn’t making it right, jesse! you show up spun out and think that fixes anything? i’m so fucking mad at you. i’m scared for you, and you’re just… doing this again. you always do this.”
jesse’s shoulders slump, eyes glassy and desperate as he reaches out like he wants to touch you but stops himself. “please, i’m sorry. i love you, i do. i just…everything’s repeating and loud and i can’t think straight but i had to come here. i had to tell you i’m gonna get better. for you.” he said to you, his brows furrowed.
you shake your head, scoffing. “you say that every time,” you snap, voice rising even as it cracks. you’re shaking now, livid and emotional all at once, torn between slamming the door and pulling him inside. “and every time you break my heart. i can’t keep doing this with you like this. i love you too, but i’m so goddamn tired of watching you destroy yourself.” you said, trying to maintain a normal volume but you couldn’t help yourself.
he looks crushed, forehead creasing, the high making his movements slow and heavy. “don’t say that… don’t give up on me, please. i’m right here. just talk to me.” he begs, his eyes not leaving yours. you wipe at your tears angrily, staring at him, chest tight with everything unsaid. the argument hangs heavy between you, the air thick with hurt and love and all the ways he keeps letting you down.
you want to believe he’s doing this right now, standing there high and spinning with that same old broken look on his face. “i love you so much, baby,” jesse says, voice thick and desperate, eyes glassy as he sways a little.
“you gotta know that. i love you more than anything. that’s why i’m here. walter… walter’s the reason i can’t relax, man. he’s always in my head, pulling me back into shit. i couldn’t go to rehab because of him, because everything got too heavy again and i needed something to take the edge off. i’m sorry, i swear i’m gonna fix it" he rambles on, over explaining stuff.
“stop,” you cut him off, voice shaking with rage. “just stop with the excuses, jesse. walter? really? you’re blaming him again like you don’t have a choice? like you didn’t choose to get high instead of getting help?” you don’t believe a word of it. not anymore. the hurt and disappointment twist into something sharper, and before you can stop yourself you step forward and shove at his chest, hard.
jesse stumbles back a step, but he doesn’t fight it. “baby, please—”
“no!” you yell, shoving him again, harder this time, your palms slamming into his shoulders. “i’m so fucking sick of this! you love me so much? then why the hell do you keep choosing this over me? over us?” your voice cracks loud in the hallway as you push him once more, tears streaming down your face. “every time it’s the same bullshit! walter this, the world that— i don’t care anymore, jesse! you promised me rehab and you lied!”
your volume gained volume, completely careless on what the neighbors would think of you two.
he reaches for your arms gently, trying to steady himself while the world echoes and spins around him. “i do love you, i love you so fucking much it hurts. i’m not lying, i just… i couldn’t handle it without—”
“shut up!” you shout, pushing him back against the wall now, your hands fisting in his shirt as you yell right in his face. “i don’t believe you! i can’t keep believing you when you show up like this! you’re killing me, jesse. you’re breaking my heart every single time and you don’t even see it!” you yell. your whole body is trembling with fury and love and exhaustion.
you’re still shoving at him even as he takes it, looking wrecked and small under your hands. the argument keeps spilling out, raw and loud, neither of you giving an inch.
you shove him one last time, breath coming in ragged gasps, the yelling finally dying out as the silence crashes over both of you like a wave. your hands are still fisted in his shirt, tears streaming down your face, and everything feels too heavy, too raw.
“i hate you,” you whisper, voice breaking in the quiet. “i hate you, jesse.” you say, your forehead pressing against his sternum as you began to sob. then you back up, staring at him.
he stares at you back, eyes wide and glassy, the high still making the world spin and echo around him. his face crumples for a second before he shakes his head slowly. “you don’t mean that,” jesse says, voice small and cracked, barely above a whisper.
you nod, swallowing hard even as fresh tears spill over. “i do. i hate you right now.” you assure. jesse stands completely still for a couple of seconds, just staring at you with that wrecked, hollow look.
the silence stretches, thick and painful, no more excuses, no more i love yous. then he turns without a word, shoulders slumped, and walks over to the sleeping bag laid out on his living room floor. he lowers himself onto it slowly, curling up on his side, knees drawn toward his chest.
he goes completely non verbal, eyes open but distant, staring at nothing as the reverb in his head keeps looping. no more talking, no movement, just quiet breathing and that empty stare while you stand there, chest tight, the fight drained out of the room but not the hurt.
you stare at him and just accept the end of this argument. you walk back into the room, hips swaying. he doesn’t get up to follow you, he doesn’t even move, he just listens and stays quiet.
you hear movement after what feels like forever, the rustle of the sleeping bag, slow shuffling footsteps. you’re curled up tight on the bed in the bedroom, back to the door, face buried in the pillow that smells like him. your eyes are swollen from crying, body exhausted from the fight, but you don’t turn around when the door creaks open.
jesse stands there for a long moment, still high, the world still spinning and echoing in his head. his eyes are heavy lidded and red, movements loose and unsteady like he’s floating. but he’s trying. even like this, he wants to make it right.
“baby…” his voice comes out soft and hoarse, cracked from earlier. he takes a shaky step closer, then another, until he’s at the edge of the bed. “i woke up and… i still feel like shit. everything’s repeating but i had to come in here. i can’t just lay there knowing you’re in here hurting because of me.” he says gently.
you stay curled up, not answering, your shoulders still so tense now that he’s in the room with you now.
he sinks down slowly onto the bed beside you, careful not to touch you yet even though his hands are twitching like he needs to. “i love you so much. i know i said it before and you’re mad and you hate me right now and i get it. i deserve that. but i’m still here trying… even if i’m fucked up. i don’t wanna lose you. you’re the only good thing i got left.” he begs, brows furrowing.
his voice breaks a little when he sees you still now accepting his apology, let alone even acknowledging him.
he leans forward, pressing his forehead gently against your back through the blanket. “i’m sorry i didn’t go to rehab. walter’s got me all twisted but that’s not your problem, it’s mine. i just… i need you to know i’m gonna try again. for real this time. i’ll do anything, baby. just don’t shut me out forever.” he said, his tone sounding like he had to get something else out.
jesse stays there, breathing shaky, still high and spinning but completely focused on you. his hand finally moves, resting lightly on your arm like he’s scared you’ll pull away. “i love you. i love you. i love you…” he keeps whispering it quietly, like a broken record, trying to make it up to you the only way his messed-up brain knows how right now; by being close, by staying, by repeating the truth he actually means.
you turn around slowly under the blanket, eyes red and puffy as you finally face him. he looks so wrecked, still high with that glassy stare and slow blinking, but the softness in his face almost breaks you all over again. you reach out and push him away gently, palms pressing lightly against his chest, not hard enough to hurt but enough to create space.
you mumble, voice muffled and tired. before he can say anything else you grab the pillow, pulling it over your head to block him out, curling tighter into yourself on the bed. the fabric is damp from your tears and it smells like both of you, which only makes the ache worse.
jesse stays quiet for a second, the bed dipping slightly as he shifts but doesn’t crowd you. his voice comes out gentle and careful, low and hoarse like he’s afraid anything louder might scare you away.
“i’m sorry, baby… i’m so fucking sorry,” he whispers, the words slow and heavy with the high still spinning through him. “i know i keep messing up and i know you’re hurting because of me. i hate that i did this again. i hate that i showed up like this instead of just going to rehab like i promised.” he continues.
he pauses, breathing shaky, and you feel the lightest touch of his fingers brushing over the blanket near your shoulder, barely there, like he’s testing if it’s okay.
“i love you so much. you’re everything to me and i’m still here trying even though my head’s all fucked up and repeating and loud…” he adds, his other hand rubbing his face. “i just wanna make it right. i’ll sleep on the floor if you want, or i’ll leave if that’s what you need, but i’m not giving up on us.” he said.
he looks at the pillow, pausing to see if you’d look at him. but you don’t. “i’m sorry for blaming walter, for not being stronger, for breaking your trust again. i see how tired you are of my shit and i get it. i really do.” he says
his voice cracks softly but he keeps it gentle, patient, staying right there on the edge of the bed without pushing closer. “i’m gonna try harder. for you. even right now while everything’s spinning i mean it. i love you, baby. i’m right here… whenever you’re ready. i’m not going anywhere unless you tell me to.”
he falls quiet again, just sitting there with you, the reverb in his world still echoing but his focus completely soft and careful on making it up to you the only way he knows how.
you stay under the pillow, not moving an inch even as you feel the bed shift. your breathing is still shaky, eyes squeezed shut against the damp fabric, heart aching too much to push him away again or pull him closer.
jesse moves slowly, so carefully it almost hurts. his arm slides under the pillow and under your neck, gentle and hesitant like he’s scared you’ll flinch or tell him to stop. the warmth of him settles in, his skin warm and a little clammy from the high. once his arm is there he lets you rest on it, cradling the back of your neck and head without pulling you in or forcing anything.
“i’m sorry, baby,” he whispers again, voice soft and hoarse, barely louder than a breath. “i love you so much. i’m right here… i’m not leaving you.” he whispers once more.
he doesn’t say much more. the world is still spinning and echoing for him, but he curls up beside you on the bed, careful not to crowd too much. his breathing slowly evens out as he drifts back into another nap, exhausted and high and clinging to this small bit of closeness like it’s the only thing keeping him grounded. his arm stays under your neck the whole time, protective and gentle even while he sleeps.
you don’t move. you just stay under the pillow, letting his arm hold you, tears still silent against the fabric while the room fills with quiet and the heavy weight of everything unsaid.
you stayed under the pillow for a long time, but eventually the warmth of jesse’s arm under your neck and the steady sound of his breathing pulls you in. without thinking you shift closer, turning fully into him. your face finds the crook of his neck, legs wrapping around his as much as they can, arms sliding around his torso and holding on tight. you cling to him like he might disappear, tears drying against his skin.
jesse stirs after a while, eyes fluttering open, still heavy and glassy from the high. the world is still spinning slow with that familiar reverb, everything echoing softly in his head, but the first thing he feels is you wrapped around him completely, warm and close. his breath catches, a quiet, broken sound leaving his throat.
“baby…” he whispers, voice hoarse and thick with sleep and the drugs. his free hand moves slowly, gently rubbing on your back, holding you like you’re the only real thing in his spinning world.
you don’t say anything. instead you press your lips softly to his cheek, once, twice, slow and deliberately. your kisses travel across his skin until they reach his lips. jesse’s eyes close again as he kisses you back, gentle at first, almost scared, but full of everything he’s been trying to say.
the kiss deepens naturally, soft and passionate, mouths moving together with quiet need. your tongue slips against his and he lets out a shaky breath into you, meeting you with the same emotion, slow and heartfelt, tongues gliding warm and tender.
there’s no rush, no heat driven by lust, just pure love and relief and the ache of everything you’ve been through pouring into the kiss. his hand cradles the back of your head, fingers threading gently through your hair as he kisses you like he’s trying to pour every “i’m sorry” and “i love you” straight into your soul.
jesse stays completely wrapped up in you, still high but grounded by your body against his, the kiss lingering long and passionate, full of forgiveness and quiet desperation to make it right.
you keep kissing him, slow and deep, tongues moving together in that same tender rhythm, full of everything unsaid. the kiss is warm and lingering, breaths mingling softly, like you’re trying to breathe life back into each other. your hands move gently over his back, then slide up to his face, cupping his cheeks as you pour all the hurt and love into him.
jesse kisses you back with the same quiet passion, his arm still under your neck, holding you close like you’re the only steady thing in his spinning world. his free hand traces slow circles on your side, reverent and careful. you pull back just enough to look at him, eyes glassy with fresh tears but full of need for closeness.
without a word you reach for the hem of his shirt, tugging it up slowly. he lifts his arms to help, and you peel it off him inch by inch, your fingers brushing over his skin with pure affection. he does the same to you, hands gentle and trembling slightly from the high, lifting your shirt over your head and setting it aside like it’s something precious.
the rest comes off even slower. pants, underwear, both of you helping each other, movements unhurried and soft. every touch is loving, every brush of fingers full of care and quiet apology. no rush, no hunger, just the deep need to be skin to skin, heart to heart, nothing between you anymore.
once you’re both bare you pull him back in, legs wrapping around him again as your mouths find each other. the kissing continues, slow and passionate, tongues gliding warmly, bodies pressed close with nothing but love and tenderness.
his hands roam your back and sides softly, holding you like he’s afraid you’ll slip away, while you cling to him just as tightly, fingers in his hair, kissing him like this is the only way to heal what broke between you.
jesse whispers against your lips between kisses, voice hoarse and full of emotion, “i love you… i love you so much, baby.” the words melt into another deep, lingering kiss, the kind that says everything his high and tired mind can’t put together right now. “i love you” you respond between kisses, sighing softly in the kiss. you stay tangled like that, skin warm against skin, lost in the slow passionate connection, letting the love wrap around the hurt.
the love between you feels heavier than the hurt right now, wrapping around every breath.
jesse shifts carefully, moving over you with that same gentle slowness, never rushing. he settles on top, chest to chest, his weight comforting and close as he holds himself up just enough not to crush you. his forehead rests against yours, eyes half lidded and glassy from the high, the world still spinning softly around him, but all he sees is you.
“i love you,” he whispers against your lips, voice hoarse and full of everything he feels. “so much, baby… i’m right here with you.” he says softly.
you feel him slowly slide into you, inch by inch, deep and careful, filling you completely as your bodies connect in the most intimate way. a soft gasp leaves your lips at the closeness, at how perfectly he fits against and inside you. there’s no rush, just slow, deep movements, him rocking into you with quiet passion, every thrust full of love and apology and need to be as close as humanly possible.
your arms wrap tighter around his back, legs around his waist, holding him there, chest to chest, hearts beating together. you kiss him again, pouring everything into it as he moves inside you, slow and deep and steady.
“i love you,” you whisper back against his mouth, voice breaking with emotion, tears slipping from the corners of your eyes. “i love you, jesse… even when it hurts, i love you.” he add.
he lets out a shaky breath, burying his face in your neck as he keeps that gentle, passionate rhythm, sliding deep and staying close, hips rolling slow so you feel every bit of him. his arms cradle you, one hand tangled in your hair, the other stroking your side with pure tenderness.
a soft, broken sound leaves his throat. the rhythm stays gentle but so much more passionate now, every deep roll of his hips pouring love into you, like he’s trying to heal the cracks between you with every movement.
“i love you,” jesse whispers hotly against your neck, voice thick and trembling. “god, baby, i love you so fucking much. i’m sorry… i’m so sorry for everything. you’re my everything. don’t ever forget that.” he hugs you tighter, burying his face deeper into your neck as he keeps moving, slow and deep and full of emotion, chest pressed so firmly to yours you can feel both your hearts racing together.
you hug him back just as hard, fingers digging into his back, nails pressing gently into his skin as you cling to him. “i love you, jesse,” you breathe, voice cracking with feeling. “i love you… i love you so much.”
he lifts his head just enough to kiss you again, deeper this time, tongues moving together with raw passion and tenderness. the kiss is wet and heartfelt, full of quiet desperation and devotion as he rocks into you steadily, holding you like you’re the only thing keeping him from falling apart. his arms stay locked around you in a tight, protective hug, never letting go, every thrust slow and meaningful, bodies moving as one.
“i’m never letting you go,” he murmurs between kisses, forehead pressed to yours, eyes glassy and full of love even through the high. “you’re my baby… my whole world. i’ll keep trying for you. i swear it.” his voice breaks softly as he hugs you even closer, hips rolling deep and passionate, pouring every ounce of his messed up heart into you.
you kiss him harder, hugging him with all your strength, legs tightening around him as the love and emotion between you swells, raw and beautiful and healing in its own broken way.
the wave hits you both at the same time—soft, intense, and deeply connected. you come with a quiet, shaky cry against his mouth, body trembling under his as he follows right after, burying himself as deep as he can and holding you through it.
his arms stay wrapped tight around you, forehead pressed to yours, breathing ragged and warm as you both ride the feeling together, hearts pounding in sync.
you stay like that for a long moment afterward, tangled and bare, just holding each other. jesse’s still high, eyes glassy and movements slow, but his touch is nothing but gentle as he strokes your hair and back.
after a while he presses a soft kiss to your temple, then your cheek, voice low and careful. “c’mere, baby… let’s go take a shower together. i wanna take care of you. warm water, just us. i don’t wanna let go of you yet.”
he stays on top of you a second longer, hugging you close one more time before slowly pulling out and helping you up, his arm staying around you the whole time, protective and full of quiet love.
you let jesse help you up from the bed, your legs a little shaky as you both stand there naked and raw. he keeps his arm wrapped around your waist the whole way to the bathroom, moving slow and careful like the world is still tilting under his feet. you can tell he’s still high. his eyes glassy, blinking slow, head turning like he’s chasing echoes in the corners of the room.
he turns the water on warm, testing it with his hand before guiding you both inside. the spray hits your skin softly and you both sink down together onto the shower floor, backs against the cool tile, warm water cascading over your tangled bodies. jesse pulls you into his lap, legs wrapped around each other as much as the small space allows, arms locked tight in a full embrace. your head rests against his chest, his chin on top of your head, hearts still beating close.
“baby” he murmurs, voice soft and hoarse over the sound of the water. his hand strokes slowly up and down your back, gentle and loving. “i’m so sorry for everything. you mean the world to me. sitting here with you like this… it’s the only thing that feels real right now. everything else is spinning and echoing but you’re right here.” he rambles, clearly suffering from the high.
you hug him tighter, arms around his neck, fingers gently playing with the wet hair at the nape of his neck. “i love you, jesse. even when i’m so mad and hurt… i still love you more than anything. i just want you to be okay. i want us to be okay.” you mutter.
he nods against you, pressing a slow kiss to your wet hair, then your forehead. the water runs down both of your faces mixing with leftover tears. “i love you too. so fucking much it hurts sometimes. i know i keep letting you down but i swear i’m gonna keep trying. you deserve better than this messed up version of me… but i’m here. i’m not going anywhere unless you tell me to.”
you shift a little closer, nuzzling into the crook of his neck, breathing him in under the warm spray. “i don’t hate you. i was just so scared and angry. i don’t want to lose you.” you respond, sighing quietly and deeply.
“you’re not gonna lose me,” he whispers, voice cracking softly. his arms squeeze you tighter, one hand cradling the back of your head like you’re the most precious thing he’s ever held.
“even when my head’s all fucked up and repeating and loud… you make it quieter. i love you, baby. i love you, i love you, i love you.” he keeps repeating it gently between soft kisses to your temple and cheek, still high but completely focused on you, the reverb in his world fading just a little with every word.
you stay like that for a long time, sitting together under the warm water, holding each other close, talking sweetly and quietly, letting the shower wash away some of the hurt while the love between you feels stronger than ever. jesse’s hands never stop their gentle touches, and you keep hugging him just as tight, hearts healing in the quiet steam.
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