And if they do step out of line, it just takes one or two brutal examples to remind everyone else of their place. I'm not a tyrant, I do care for their well-being, I just can't afford to show weakness.

if i look back, i am lost

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@spawnbeneath
And if they do step out of line, it just takes one or two brutal examples to remind everyone else of their place. I'm not a tyrant, I do care for their well-being, I just can't afford to show weakness.
“I was cast into it” - Astarion
Astarion before his vampire days! I love the head canon that he had golden/amber eyes.
I do feel a little bad keeping you all to myself. After all, I get to see you every night. I'll be here when you're ready. I'll always be here, my love
...then I realised - these shadows, this darkness - it's all part of me
The Star and Death
To be touched
Astarion Lord of the Underdark
What might be hiding in the tangled caverns of the Underdark? What can’t be hidden even there?
After the heroic story, Astarion didn’t get better in a couple of months — maybe not even in a few years — but he was sincerely trying, both for himself and for you. Over time, it became an internal struggle: “Did I say the right thing?” “Would you like that?” The slave mentality his former Master had instilled in him still lingered. But now he was loved. You wanted the best for him. But his desire to keep it forever turned into constant mimicry. Sometimes he would say something arrogant, or act angry — just to make it all seem more “natural.” But his real problems? He wanted to solve them on his own. Maybe even prove to himself that he could handle them now. The truth, in his mind, still felt too wrong thing to say out loud — especially since this was just the beginning. It would have to pass.
He had a long way to go among the shadows—both outside and within. Time passed, and the closer he grew to you, the more he feared losing you — just as he had once lost his sun. Astarion couldn’t stand it when you left the Underdark. He would lock himself away in his room, wrestling with panic attacks and flashes of rage. No one knew.
One day, while you were gone, some spawns attacked a group of peaceful mushroom hunters — and tried to cover it up. Astarion knew what he was. Still a spawn. No stronger than the rest. He hadn’t faced Cazador alone — and if he had, he would have been nothing more than a lamb to slaughter.
He couldn’t allow weakness. And he couldn’t forgive something like that. He killed them — and mounted their heads on stakes at the far edge of the territory. A warning. A message. An example of what disobedience would cost. You never knew.
And in that moment, he realized something unsettling: showing his power made him feel safer. Feel like... There was something in it. Something his heart might have known, long before it ever stopped beating. And so he buried that feeling as deeply as he could.
Vampire spawns are always drawn toward something dark — such is the price of their eternal. Tormented by constant hunger and a craving for brutal power, they inevitably turn into rivals. And so, in time, their cruel Masters dispose of them. Astarion knew that, out of thousands, someone would eventually try to challenge him. Showing weakness was dangerous.
Astarion began to walk more often among the small dwellings of the spawns, hunting alongside them, letting them see his skill — his precision, his mastery as an assassin. He also formed a quiet network of personal spies, feeding him whispers of everything that stirred beneath the surface — every rumor, every careless word. “Unfortunately,” he thought, “there’s no guarantee they won’t betray me.”
And then he remembered his greatest weakness. You. You were still mortal, even if the years in the Underdark had left you almost as pale as he was. The absence of light had changed you. What would happen if someone chose you as a target? He would tear through everything in his path in blind agony — until someone finally drove a stake through his poor heart.
So Astarion began to watch you more closely — where you went, who you spoke to. His fear grew, twisting into something... He started ordering the spawns into trouble — baiting wild beasts, even luring paladins toward their territory. And every time, he would claim he couldn’t handle it alone. That he needed you by his side.
That way, you would always stay close. And he'll always be here with you, too
You began to notice something was wrong. Your beloved was too tense, too watchful. Why did he insist on taking you with him everywhere? Why wouldn’t he even let you finish reading in peace? It nearly turned into an argument.
Astarion had been preparing for this for a long time. During one hunt, he let a beast wound him — not enough to kill, but enough to leave a mark. Enough for you to see. Enough for you to remember just how fragile, how precious what you both had truly was.
You still went to see the sun — to walk the city streets, see friends and family. One week every three months. This time, Astarion tried to convince you to skip it. But the more he pressed, the more it began to bother you. And then one day, you didn’t come back. Later, he learned why — you had fallen ill, too weak to endure the journey. When you finally returned, you brought gifts. You smiled, promised that next time you would call on your friends — that they could watch over the lands and the spawns in your absence.
But by then… everything had already been set in motion. In absolute secrecy, Astarion had gathered twenty spawns and staged an attack — on himself, on you. A performance. He told you the unrest was worse than it seemed. That someone had sensed weakness after he’d been wounded during the hunt. That until the culprits were found and dealt with, you would be safer staying here.
He locked the door. And once again, he felt it — deep within in his cold heart with many tangled caverns like the Underdark itself — that same sense. That feel... refreshingly true inside.
Something else crept in. Fear. Because Astarion knew — this wasn’t what you loved about him. Still… you would be here. You would see him, care for him. Stay. And that meant safety. That meant he wouldn’t lose it. He will always keep it.
It hurt to lie to you. And that's wrong. He told himself it wouldn’t be for long. Just this once. Just until everything was secure. After that… you would never want to leave him again.
The spawns who had taken part in a performance for you all killed. It was too dangerous to let them live — they could talk. Or worse, decide to truly betray him. Days passed. You still couldn’t leave. You wanted to help him. Tried to reach him. Astarion was closing up and tried to leave when the conversation started. He was convincing himself that he was doing the right thing.
He did everything he could to make it the “right thing to do”. You will know that it's the right thing to do
A month later, a note in children's handwriting was slipped under under the slit of the locked cell door. And with it — the truth.
Now you knew everything. Something inside you burned — slow, painful, turning to ash. Even under the darkness, no truth can be hidden.
Last Lines
Thanks to @litsenn for the tag.
Eh, writing has been really hard for me lately—I just can’t seem to focus. My mind wanders everywhere except where it should.
Anyway, I’ll share the latest lines I’ve written in the two different fics I’ve left on hold (and that I’m continuing at the pace of a limping sloth with asthma—which, as I’ve said before, is my spirit animal when it comes to writing).
Here’s a little excerpt from the Astarion x Reader (Tav) piece I’m writing. It doesn’t have a definitive title yet—I think it will take shape once the draft is finished.
You tilt your head to the side and find shelter in the hollow of his neck. The scent of bergamot—and of him—fills your lungs. His pale curls brush against your forehead, soft and ticklish.
For a moment, you are exactly where you’re meant to be. Where you want to be.
Home, you think.
And you hope it feels the same for him. At least a little.
His fingers shift faintly against yours, restless, as if your words had found something inside him—a place he didn’t know was there.
“Mm,” he murmurs after a moment, tilting his head just enough to rest lightly against yours.
An intimate touch.
And yet… something pure.
These, on the other hand, are the latest lines I’ve written for the fic “The Day Astarion Found Himself Saddled with Parenthood”, a Karlach x Astarion / Astarion & Halsin. I’m mentioning it because it’s been about 48326548364583460860425 years since I last updated it, and I’m not sure anyone even remembers it anymore. oo’
The insolent bear shrugged.
“I’ll ask Karlach to come by,” he finally said; and the mere mention of the barbarian wiped the annoyed expression off Astarion’s face. However, he didn’t have time to dwell on it, because the druid’s next words struck him even more.
“In any case, I’ll look for the child’s relatives. But, Astarion, don’t be in a hurry to let her go. Some bonds are stronger than logic. Or will. Even common sense.”
He turned to leave, then hesitated at the entrance of the tent and added, “You don’t have to be her father—you just have to be there. And remember: nature never makes mistakes. Not everything you have to offer is poison.”
No pressure tags: @missfortunetherogue, @roguishcat, @a-tangled-mermaid, @elceewunjo, @et-augury, @sabrinawrites, @spawnbeneath.
This is something that is a little difficult for me to write about. But I still want to share my thoughts about this particular Spawn Astarion breakup ending dialogue. Warning: may include triggering topics As you read this, I want you to remember Astarion is Radiant Hopeful. I don’t really think this option was meant for a player who continues a romantic relationship with Spawn Astarion. But that doesn’t make Astarion’s reaction or his words any less important. If anything, the scene shows how Spawn Astarion might react in a relationship conflict. Maybe even in some possible future.
“I wish you well out there. Just don't come knocking on my door - I'll have a lot of hungry mouths to feed”
The developers clearly put a lot of effort into this scene. Astarion only says these lines if the player chooses to give the spawns their freedom and the ability to choose their own fate. If that never happens, he never makes the threat. But interestingly, that’s not because he has better self-control. It’s because he doesn’t have the means to invoke fear. Once there are “hungry mouths” and “waiting for a leader,” suddenly he does.
Even the camera angle reinforces this moment. The camera moves closer, emphasizing his face and his emotions. And his voice — full of hurt and sharp anger — makes the scene genuinely intimidating. Even when he barely manages to pull himself together (which is a huge relief to me) that quiet “good luck” still carries a burning kind of hatred and disgust.
For personal reasons, this moment really crosses a line for me. I’m very sensitive to threats like that. I also see this scene as a possible direction his character could take.
And what hurts the most to watch is his behavior in that moment. He doesn’t criticize us. He doesn’t focus on how sudden or confusing the breakup is. He doesn’t try to understand. Instead, he immediately turns to accusations and then tries to provoke fear. Real actions are not the subject of discussion here - it is an emotional lever of fear that is pressed again and again in the moment, causing pain - and Astarion pressed it.
The way the character reacts... the camera shows irritation and anger, but at first, her emotions seem more like pain, a hint of fear, and anxiety… My girl's anger is just a facade here.
And it’s painful to see that, because it feels like all of his growth just evaporates. As if it never existed...
The truth is that the most important kind of personal growth reveals itself during conflict. In the moment when you’re hurting, when you want to strike back — but instead you clench your fists and say: I won’t do that. You won’t threaten. You won’t try to force fear or pain out of someone, even if you believe they’re wrong.
It’s also difficult to hear Astarion refer to those spawn as “hungry mouths.” As tools for intimidation. Instead of people who were just given a chance to find their own small happiness.
Moreover, before he breaks down, Astarion says, “I would understand if you wanted to go your own way” — and that line is literally empty. Astarion is devaluing himself and his own feelings here, pretending he’ll be fine — all for the sake of some image he thinks would suit me.
Seriously, who would be okay with something like that? After years of loneliness, you finally find love, you trust that person with the most important decisions in your life — and then lose them? No one. No one should have to pretend that this doesn’t hurt, that it’s somehow “normal” to lose someone like that. But Astarion pretends. Right in front of me. This is another version of his facade… No one said it would be easy when all he knew was how to pretend.
This scene is very emotionally heavy.
But at the same time, I understand the roots of his reaction — and that makes it easier to process. In some ways, it even feels right. Because the scene reminds us that his journey has only just begun. This isn’t a perfect fairytale of rescue. It’s a story about survival.
Astarion still has a long and thorny path ahead of him. Expecting him to never stumble again, to never hurt anyone again, would be unrealistic. He can. And he will. Healing from trauma is not a simple story.
And in that sense, there is something honest and deeply human about it.
After all, it is a salvation from himself. That part of himself from which he needed to be saved.
For Astarion, this is a every single day fight. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. And accepting that this will always exist somewhere inside him… is painful, but truthful and real. It will always be in Astarion.
And also Astarion - Radiant Hopeful.
Fractured
„I’ve been dead in the ground for long enough. It’s time to try living again.”
wow. I love it.
walking red flag
Headcanons: Astarion and his beloved in search of the sun ☀
You went through countless parchments together in the libraries of Baldur’s Gate, where of course you were welcomed as the saviors of the city. Your fingers felt all kinds of paper — newly copied spells and truly ancient forgotten ones that had to be handled with extreme care. There were even some that could not be touched at all.
Astarion felt it too with his fingertips — thin, almost silky sheets, stiff ones smelled of alchemical oils, and ancient pages that rustle like dry leaves.
You sneezed a couple of times, halfway through some clever word, causing Astarion to quietly chuckle, contagious laughter spreading to you
It turned out the sun fascinated many wizards. Some saw it as a source of energy. Others as the embodiment of beauty. Some as a danger that brings drought. A few tried to bend the sun to their will, while others learned how to adapt to it.
One wizard conducted experiments on the undead while writing a scholarly work about which creatures perish under solar magic. The methods were… rather cruel. Paladins, however, made eager use of the results.
The Library of Baldur's Gate gave no answer - but the world was full of libraries and scrolls. You set off on a journey.
Your quest for the sun became filled with many other little adventures — the kind that deserved their own names: “The Lost Harp of the Wandering Musician,” “The Cursed Crossroads,” “Three Bags of Clay.” Behind each of them stood a small story — sometimes not so small.
One day a strange elderly Gur man, whom you helped repair an old cart, told you about a wizard from the south… “Astarion… Astarion…” he stretched the name thoughtfully. His face, lit by a dim lantern, changed noticeably. “The same vampire spawn I heard about recently. You… truly give hope that this world might become something... Where I would like to live” He rode slowly toward the horizon. That night was warm and fresh.
The landscapes kept changing. A lively little river, an oak grove, a ploughed field belonging to a cozy nearby village. A swamp you had to walk around. Old signposts… In a small fishing village by the River Esmel, staring at the silver ripples of the water under the moon, Astarion whispered: “You know… I’d almost forgotten the world was this big.”
Even after reaching the city, it took many nights to find the wizard. And it’s not like you were in a hurry — you enjoyed the new city and its night life after so long on the road through quiet villages and fields. You only began searching seriously after three days.
Though in the end you ran into the wizard in a tavern, when you decided to try their much-praised cider.
The wizard turned out to be a real braggart. No wonder people remembered him — it’s hard to forget someone so chatty. Your new acquaintance was delighted that the saviors of Baldur’s Gate — and in truth all of Faerûn — had come to him.
Preparing the spell took a month. During that time you and Astarion explored the area, killed a couple of monsters, and somehow became local celebrities.
The day finally came. The wizard seemed a little different that day — more serious. He warned that the spell would not last forever. Most likely it would be fleeting. But even half a minute would mean that anything was possible.
Just before dawn. On the balcony of the wizard’s house, everything was prepared in case they had to retreat. The sun touched Astarion’s hand. The wizard flipped the hourglass.
“Fifty-one seconds!” he exclaimed, quickly drawing the curtains and grabbing a quill. He spoke aloud everything he wrote, thrilled to prove that this was truly something unique.
Meanwhile you and Astarion sat deeper in the room, holding hands. “If there can be fifty-one seconds… then there could be an hour. Or two. Or three,” you whispered.
This wizard talked and talked, it seems that something was meant for you, about how he needed black sapphires, something about the new moon, and you had to find a friend of his from another city who…
You and Astarion huddled together, quietly
The wizard awkwardly said something about the cellar and wine to celebrate. And left you two alone at that moment.
Behind the thick curtain, the room was dark despite the single candle, but you both still radiated light.
Traveling from city to city — to Waterdeep, then somewhere else by ship, meeting all kinds of people — filled your lives with adventures. You found the sun every time. And most of all, you always found it in each other.
Tall gf struggles
Little bit of a stylised redraw of something I did ages ago. Still a WIP :)
Two years since BG3 release and here I am with Astarion sketches 🐌🐌🐌
Astarion talking with his hands
Baldur's Gate 3 (2023)